Story We are a Dissociative Identity Disorder system with absolutely no hope left

[wildflowercloud]

Hey everyone,

We are a Dissociative Identity Disorder system with absolutely no hope left.
We struggle with Complex PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder that is completely destroying us. We thought we'd share an outline of our story just so someone at least knows a bit about what has lead us to the point of not being able to continue for much longer at all.

We are victims of chronic CSA from various people, child sex trafficking, mental abuse including 'conditioning' I guess you could call it, emotional abuse, COCSA, and that's only our childhood. In our teenage and adult years we have been through multiple counts of sexual assault, emotional abuse, and rape.

Now, every day we live with those memories replaying in our mind and body over, and over, and over again. We experience brutal body memories, intrusive memories, and flashbacks. We are terrified constantly, of what's within the place we live and what is out in the world. We hallucinate people when we are anxious and out because our brain is trying to prepare us for potential threat, sometimes they stand directly in front of us and sometimes they're behind a corner and sometimes they're walking up next to us, and then they disappear.

We have no quality of life. Self care is next to non existent. We self harm so we can feel physical pain instead of the pain of the trauma memories, and to give us some relief.

It has gotten to a point where all, I mean all 340 alters are absolutely set on suicide happening. I am the only alter left that is desperately wanting suicide, I am just scared and I don't know when I'll be ready to do it.

We had a very close call a couple of nights ago where we practiced partial hanging, ended up unconscious after literally a few seconds, and I'm assuming because it wasn't an actual suicide attempt we didn't have our full weight on the rope, and we came to minutes later confused and not knowing what happened and wondered why we were so light headed and I thought I had dissociated and then thought I had gotten drunk but didn't remember, and then I remembered the rope around my neck and quickly took it off, it gave me a right scare. But also, I know sometimes when people have a scare like that it scares them into living, but that didn't happen for us. Initially I was glad it didn't work because it wasn't intentional, but I also felt such relief because I have finally found a way out of this life that I can pretty much guarantee will work. It's a lot to process, and I'm still scared, but alters and myself are feeling more suicidal than we ever have, and they're flooding me with trauma memories and overwhelming me with depression to make this process work faster.

There is no hope for us. That's a genuine thing. There is absolutely no hope. It's just a matter of processing, and time now.

Anyway thank you to anyone who reads this, we really appreciate anyone who reads a bit about our story.

Thank you!

 

[angelicisight]

It reminds me of the story where the guy says "We are legion." Then all his demons get cast out to a herd of pigs that run off a cliff. Pretty dark stuff.

 

[Aisley]

Love your username. Very apt.
Everything changes when you have that concrete exit sign, eh?
Sorry you never really had a chance; people can be absolute cannabalistic shit sometimes, capable of horrors we can't imagine freely.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hey everyone,

We are a Dissociative Identity Disorder system with absolutely no hope left.
We struggle with Complex PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder that is completely destroying us. We thought we'd share an outline of our story just so someone at least knows a bit about what has lead us to the point of not being able to continue for much longer at all.

We are victims of chronic CSA from various people, child sex trafficking, mental abuse including 'conditioning' I guess you could call it, emotional abuse, COCSA, and that's only our childhood. In our teenage and adult years we have been through multiple counts of sexual assault, emotional abuse, and rape.

Now, every day we live with those memories replaying in our mind and body over, and over, and over again. We experience brutal body memories, intrusive memories, and flashbacks. We are terrified constantly, of what's within the place we live and what is out in the world. We hallucinate people when we are anxious and out because our brain is trying to prepare us for potential threat, sometimes they stand directly in front of us and sometimes they're behind a corner and sometimes they're walking up next to us, and then they disappear.

We have no quality of life. Self care is next to non existent. We self harm so we can feel physical pain instead of the pain of the trauma memories, and to give us some relief.

It has gotten to a point where all, I mean all 340 alters are absolutely set on suicide happening. I am the only alter left that is desperately wanting suicide, I am just scared and I don't know when I'll be ready to do it.

We had a very close call a couple of nights ago where we practiced partial hanging, ended up unconscious after literally a few seconds, and I'm assuming because it wasn't an actual suicide attempt we didn't have our full weight on the rope, and we came to minutes later confused and not knowing what happened and wondered why we were so light headed and I thought I had dissociated and then thought I had gotten drunk but didn't remember, and then I remembered the rope around my neck and quickly took it off, it gave me a right scare. But also, I know sometimes when people have a scare like that it scares them into living, but that didn't happen for us. Initially I was glad it didn't work because it wasn't intentional, but I also felt such relief because I have finally found a way out of this life that I can pretty much guarantee will work. It's a lot to process, and I'm still scared, but alters and myself are feeling more suicidal than we ever have, and they're flooding me with trauma memories and overwhelming me with depression to make this process work faster.

There is no hope for us. That's a genuine thing. There is absolutely no hope. It's just a matter of processing, and time now.

Anyway thank you to anyone who reads this, we really appreciate anyone who reads a bit about our story.

Thank you!

Hello @wildflowercloud,
I'm so sorry that you ended up here, but anyway welcome to this forum!

And I'm so sorry for what you've been endured - your suffering is beyond my imagination, and I can't find words which describe it except "torture." And I'm afraid even the word torture is gross understatement.

I saw several people here who have dissociative identity disorder, so they might understand your struggle.

I don't have DID so it's very difficult to understand what it's like to have it, but did you feel that you were hanged by someone else? If you are comfortable with please let me know

Please know that no one on this forum can invalidate your feeling.
You have choice, and also a voice.
I wouldn't offer you "false hope" - when you feel it's hopeless, it's hopeless.

Thanks so much for telling us your story

Edit: hope is a feeling, not a fact, but I think your feelings, every alter's feelings, are important.

 

[Usako0504]

I hope all of you find peace. And i do hope you're able to recover but if not at least, go with peace

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've endured, I hope you all eventually find freedom from this hellish world.

 

[one of the stars]

The world can be so cruel most of the time. I hope you bloom into a beautiful wildflower.

 

[purplerapture]

I'm sorry you've been through so much but I'm at least glad u found a guaranteed way out for when/if u decide to do it

 

[90starve]

Hey everyone,

We are a Dissociative Identity Disorder system with absolutely no hope left.
We struggle with Complex PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder that is completely destroying us. We thought we'd share an outline of our story just so someone at least knows a bit about what has lead us to the point of not being able to continue for much longer at all.

We are victims of chronic CSA from various people, child sex trafficking, mental abuse including 'conditioning' I guess you could call it, emotional abuse, COCSA, and that's only our childhood. In our teenage and adult years we have been through multiple counts of sexual assault, emotional abuse, and rape.

Now, every day we live with those memories replaying in our mind and body over, and over, and over again. We experience brutal body memories, intrusive memories, and flashbacks. We are terrified constantly, of what's within the place we live and what is out in the world. We hallucinate people when we are anxious and out because our brain is trying to prepare us for potential threat, sometimes they stand directly in front of us and sometimes they're behind a corner and sometimes they're walking up next to us, and then they disappear.

We have no quality of life. Self care is next to non existent. We self harm so we can feel physical pain instead of the pain of the trauma memories, and to give us some relief.

It has gotten to a point where all, I mean all 340 alters are absolutely set on suicide happening. I am the only alter left that is desperately wanting suicide, I am just scared and I don't know when I'll be ready to do it.

We had a very close call a couple of nights ago where we practiced partial hanging, ended up unconscious after literally a few seconds, and I'm assuming because it wasn't an actual suicide attempt we didn't have our full weight on the rope, and we came to minutes later confused and not knowing what happened and wondered why we were so light headed and I thought I had dissociated and then thought I had gotten drunk but didn't remember, and then I remembered the rope around my neck and quickly took it off, it gave me a right scare. But also, I know sometimes when people have a scare like that it scares them into living, but that didn't happen for us. Initially I was glad it didn't work because it wasn't intentional, but I also felt such relief because I have finally found a way out of this life that I can pretty much guarantee will work. It's a lot to process, and I'm still scared, but alters and myself are feeling more suicidal than we ever have, and they're flooding me with trauma memories and overwhelming me with depression to make this process work faster.

There is no hope for us. That's a genuine thing. There is absolutely no hope. It's just a matter of processing, and time now.

Anyway thank you to anyone who reads this, we really appreciate anyone who reads a bit about our story.

Thank you!

im sorry that life has caused you so much pain - nobody deserves to go through this. sending you all hugs and peace <3

 

[wildflowercloud]

Love your username. Very apt.
Everything changes when you have that concrete exit sign, eh?
Sorry you never really had a chance; people can be absolute cannabalistic shit sometimes, capable of horrors we can't imagine freely.

Thank you so much for this
Oh for sure, everything does change, it's very intense and I'm assuming you know what it's like, which I am very sorry for if you have.
It definitely is horrific, we hate this human race aside from the glimmers of light that are here. It's fucked up.

Hello @wildflowercloud,
I'm so sorry that you ended up here, but anyway welcome to this forum!

And I'm so sorry for what you've been endured - your suffering is beyond my imagination, and I can't find words which describe it except "torture." And I'm afraid even the word torture is gross understatement.

I saw several people here who have dissociative identity disorder, so they might understand your struggle.

I don't have DID so it's very difficult to understand what it's like to have it, but did you feel that you were hanged by someone else? If you are comfortable with please let me know

Please know that no one on this forum can invalidate your feeling.
You have choice, and also a voice.
I wouldn't offer you "false hope" - when you feel it's hopeless, it's hopeless.

Thanks so much for telling us your story

Edit: hope is a feeling, not a fact, but I think your feelings, every alter's feelings, are important.

Oh wow, you are so wonderful!! Thank you so much for all of this, you are so so kind I'm so sorry that you ended up here too, I so hope you're getting helpful support and comfort here

Thank you so much for your words about our trauma, it means a huge amount to hear this and have someone believe us and our pain. We really appreciate you.

That's really helpful to know there are others here with DID, feels comforting to know this isn't a lonely experience, though that's awful as well.

Of course, I'm okay with sharing That particular night it was me (the alter who fronts the most at the moment) but there were other alters who were co-conscious, which basically means they were in the passenger seats while I controlled what we did.

Thank you so much for saying we have a voice, and that all alter's feelings are important, that really means so much to hear. You have been so comforting

Everything is desperately hopeless. We're disintegrating more every day and it just keeps getting worse.

Anyway, thank you heaps and heaps for your message, your are so thoughtful!!

We really hope you're doing as okay as possible, you deserve so much love and support and kindness and so much more!

I hope all of you find peace. And i do hope you're able to recover but if not at least, go with peace

You are so kind Thank you so much

That sounds so horrible what you've endured, I hope you all eventually find freedom from this hellish world.

Thank you so much We're so sorry that you feel trapped in a hellish world. It really is an awful way to live. We feel for you, and really appreciate your message!

The world can be so cruel most of the time. I hope you bloom into a beautiful wildflower.

This touched us somewhere so deep in our soul, honestly. Thank you so much
We hope you're doing as okay as possible. You are lovely

 

[The anhedonic one]

When you finally arrive at that point of complete hopelessness, and that neither your life situation or your mental health is never going to get better then you know you are ready to go for sure.
I wish you a successful and peaceful final exit from this cruel and dreadful world.

 

[wildflowercloud]

I'm sorry you've been through so much but I'm at least glad u found a guaranteed way out for when/if u decide to do it

Thank you so much

im sorry that life has caused you so much pain - nobody deserves to go through this. sending you all hugs and peace <3

You are so so kind wow, thank you so much We're sending you hugs and peace also

 

[wildflowercloud]

When you finally arrive at that point of complete hopelessness, and that neither your life situation or your mental health is never going to get better then you know you are ready to go for sure.
I wish you a successful and peaceful final exit from this cruel and dreadful world.

It's incredibly refreshing to hear your honest perspective about this stuff. So much of it is people trying to turn it around into positives or always say things will get better, and while those things have their place and are true for a lot of people, it seems that the vast majority of people don't want to believe in the truth and realities you just said that are very much reality for some people as well.
Thank you so much We really hope you're doing as okay as you can, and if you're not, that's okay too. Thank you for your kind words!

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Oh wow, you are so wonderful!! Thank you so much for all of this, you are so so kind I'm so sorry that you ended up here too, I so hope you're getting helpful support and comfort here

Thank you so much for your words about our trauma, it means a huge amount to hear this and have someone believe us and our pain. We really appreciate you.

That's really helpful to know there are others here with DID, feels comforting to know this isn't a lonely experience, though that's awful as well.

Of course, I'm okay with sharing That particular night it was me (the alter who fronts the most at the moment) but there were other alters who were co-conscious, which basically means they were in the passenger seats while I controlled what we did.

Thank you so much for saying we have a voice, and that all alter's feelings are important, that really means so much to hear. You have been so comforting

Everything is desperately hopeless. We're disintegrating more every day and it just keeps getting worse.

Anyway, thank you heaps and heaps for your message, your are so thoughtful!!

We really hope you're doing as okay as possible, you deserve so much love and support and kindness and so much more!

Thanks so much for your reply and kind words

I don't have DID, memory gaps or hallucinations, but have an "imaginary friend" (just an imaginary one.) While I really want to die, she doesn't want to die or disappear, so I'm alive now and don't have any CTB plan.
If somebody thinks she doesn't exist, it's okay, I won't insist she's real but we love each other.

Do you love your alters, and do they love you? I think, sometimes CTB is the ultimate act of self-love.

 

[MerryGoDown]

Wishing you a peaceful end to your suffering

 

[wildflowercloud]

Thanks so much for your reply and kind words

I don't have DID, memory gaps or hallucinations, but have an "imaginary friend" (just an imaginary one.) While I really want to die, she doesn't want to die or disappear, so I'm alive now and don't have any CTB plan.
If somebody thinks she doesn't exist, it's okay, I won't insist she's real but we love each other.

Do you love your alters, and do they love you? I think, sometimes CTB is the ultimate act of self-love.

Of course!

Your imaginary friend sounds like she is part of you in a way, and definitely deserves to be listened to and heard! It's really lovely to know that you don't have a CTB plan now with her in mind for that, that's really heart warming It's really brave of you to keep going!

I definitely love my alters, and yes they love me, (there are fights and arguments and bullying sometimes, but that comes with this stuff, and underneath that stuff is love and protection) and we think you're absolutely right that CTB, for us personally, is the ultimate act of self-love, for all of us individually and collectively.

Things have progressed massively over the past 2 days and we're getting so, so close to the final act and our very end.

We really appreciate your thoughtfulness Thank you so much!!

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @wildflowercloud,

Of course!

Your imaginary friend sounds like she is part of you in a way, and definitely deserves to be listened to and heard! It's really lovely to know that you don't have a CTB plan now with her in mind for that, that's really heart warming It's really brave of you to keep going!

Thanks for your reply and thoughtful words

I definitely love my alters, and yes they love me, (there are fights and arguments and bullying sometimes, but that comes with this stuff, and underneath that stuff is love and protection) and we think you're absolutely right that CTB, for us personally, is the ultimate act of self-love, for all of us individually and collectively.

I'm glad to hear that you all love each other!
I'm so sad but I think, this world is too dysfunctional for some people to live in.

Things have progressed massively over the past 2 days and we're getting so, so close to the final act and our very end.

I won't doubt what 341 people says - I support your choice no matter what
(you + 340 alters = 341 people?)

And... both you and me have "cloud" in our usernames. Is it just a coincidence?
I think I'll remember you when I see wild flowers on the field and many clouds in the sky...

 

[wildflowercloud]

Hello @wildflowercloud,

Thanks for your reply and thoughtful words


I'm glad to hear that you all love each other!
I'm so sad but I think, this world is too dysfunctional for some people to live in.


I won't doubt what 341 people says - I support your choice no matter what
(you + 340 alters = 341 people?)

And... both you and me have "cloud" in our usernames. Is it just a coincidence?
I think I'll remember you when I see wild flowers on the field and many clouds in the sky...

Any time lovely ones!

We agree, while we know there is hope for a lot of people who are suicidal, sometimes there are genuinely hopeless situations internally and externally for people, and mixed with how the world works, that we would understand why the person decided to end their lives, as heart breaking that is, and as much as many people don't want to believe. That's just our opinion anyway. Though we would never think that we could be the judge on people's situations, it's so complex. I just hope you and the other people on this site do find hope and crawl out of this horrendously dark space of hopelessness and suicidality.

Yup that's correct! 341. With so many people who are without hesitation for suicide, some of us think of us all being parts of one soul that was shattered due to trauma, and so thinking that my entire soul wants and needs suicide, and knowing I am a part of that as well and I know I want and need it too even though I still have some fear, it's the best thing to do for us.

We do both have cloud in our usernames!! That's so cool! I'm so happy to have met you. You're so thoughtful and kind and just really get good vibes from you. You're amazing.

You thinking you'll remember us in that way made us feel so warm inside That's really lovely. We'll be thinking of you when we see the beautiful clouds on a clear day

You are wonderful. Thank you so frikking much!!

 

[fkyou]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I wish you are okay. (Sorry I know you may not be. I know its late) but I want to give you a hug. You deserve love . I'm sorry this world disappointed you. And harmed you that way.this made me cry hard( even though I didn't get what alters is cause I'm not an English speaker)

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

Hey everyone,

We are a Dissociative Identity Disorder system with absolutely no hope left.
We struggle with Complex PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder that is completely destroying us. We thought we'd share an outline of our story just so someone at least knows a bit about what has lead us to the point of not being able to continue for much longer at all.

We are victims of chronic CSA from various people, child sex trafficking, mental abuse including 'conditioning' I guess you could call it, emotional abuse, COCSA, and that's only our childhood. In our teenage and adult years we have been through multiple counts of sexual assault, emotional abuse, and rape.

Now, every day we live with those memories replaying in our mind and body over, and over, and over again. We experience brutal body memories, intrusive memories, and flashbacks. We are terrified constantly, of what's within the place we live and what is out in the world. We hallucinate people when we are anxious and out because our brain is trying to prepare us for potential threat, sometimes they stand directly in front of us and sometimes they're behind a corner and sometimes they're walking up next to us, and then they disappear.

We have no quality of life. Self care is next to non existent. We self harm so we can feel physical pain instead of the pain of the trauma memories, and to give us some relief.

It has gotten to a point where all, I mean all 340 alters are absolutely set on suicide happening. I am the only alter left that is desperately wanting suicide, I am just scared and I don't know when I'll be ready to do it.

We had a very close call a couple of nights ago where we practiced partial hanging, ended up unconscious after literally a few seconds, and I'm assuming because it wasn't an actual suicide attempt we didn't have our full weight on the rope, and we came to minutes later confused and not knowing what happened and wondered why we were so light headed and I thought I had dissociated and then thought I had gotten drunk but didn't remember, and then I remembered the rope around my neck and quickly took it off, it gave me a right scare. But also, I know sometimes when people have a scare like that it scares them into living, but that didn't happen for us. Initially I was glad it didn't work because it wasn't intentional, but I also felt such relief because I have finally found a way out of this life that I can pretty much guarantee will work. It's a lot to process, and I'm still scared, but alters and myself are feeling more suicidal than we ever have, and they're flooding me with trauma memories and overwhelming me with depression to make this process work faster.

There is no hope for us. That's a genuine thing. There is absolutely no hope. It's just a matter of processing, and time now.

Anyway thank you to anyone who reads this, we really appreciate anyone who reads a bit about our story.

Thank you!

Jesus fuck that is a lot of shit that happend to you, im ngl I would have kicked the bucket long ago in your shoes i would have never endured all that man.
Its fucking horrifying to even imagine that a single individual could get THIS many kicks in the ass from life. Your existence is proof god isnt real, theres no way he would allow something like this and be that cruel.

Now i feel like a joke for wanting to CTB because i really dont have a right to, compared to you. My life is a fucking cakewalk in contrast

 

[wildflowercloud]

Wishing you a peaceful end to your suffering

Thank you so much

I'm sorry that happened to you. I wish you are okay. (Sorry I know you may not be. I know it's late) but I want to give you a hug. You deserve love . I'm sorry this world disappointed you. And harmed you that way.this made me cry hard( even though I didn't get what alters is cause I'm not an English speaker)

You are so so kind and thoughtful Thank you so much your words genuinely mean so much. We're sorry to have made you cry, and it also means a lot to know someone hears our pain. We hope you're doing as okay as possible We appreciate this message and you, very much!! Thank you

Jesus fuck that is a lot of shit that happend to you, im ngl I would have kicked the bucket long ago in your shoes i would have never endured all that man.
Its fucking horrifying to even imagine that a single individual could get THIS many kicks in the ass from life. Your existence is proof god isnt real, theres no way he would allow something like this and be that cruel.

Now i feel like a joke for wanting to CTB because i really dont have a right to, compared to you. My life is a fucking cakewalk in contrast

Your message really moved us, a few of us have been in somewhat denial about the severity of what's happened to us, but your message has helped us realize that yup, it really was and is, that bad.

Please don't feel like a joke for wanting to CTB, your struggles and pain are so very valid. Trauma and pain is subjective, like how one person can go through something and be largely unaffected by it but another person can be deeply affected by it. There's always going to be extremes of trauma and pain, but even some of the most traumatized people can compare themselves to other very traumatized people and feel like their suffering is not much in comparison.

What I'm trying to express is that what you have been through and are going through is very painful for you and that is completely valid in and of itself.
If however reading some of our story has helped you to not CTB or rethink CTB, that is huge, and we are very glad about that! Either way, no matter where your journey takes you, we so hope for so much goodness and peace for you.

Thank you so much for your message

 

[CTBookOfLife]

Another high-alter-count DID system here.. your story spoke to us.

Stay strong, you are cared for. If you need anything, just ask.

 

[wildflowercloud]

Another high-alter-count DID system here.. your story spoke to us.

Stay strong, you are cared for. If you need anything, just ask.

Hey guys It's really nice to meet and hear from you all! Though painful knowing that you all are on here too We really appreciate your comment, and we hope you know you are cared for too, and we hope you also stay strong. You're definitely not alone

 

[MerryGoDown]

Hi Wildflower!!
I was just thinking about you all and wanted to know how you're doing...I couldn't find any updates either :/
I hope you have managed to find some peace, whatever form that may take

Much love <3
MerryGoDown