We all have our reasons... CTB

[GentleJerk]

So I'll share my mine.

I was poisoned by my best friend's brother. Needless to say we aren't friends anymore!

This ruined my life in many ways, I went from being happy and healthy, skating everyday and looking after my daughter- to becoming bedridden and almost unable to think or do the simplest things. Along with a lot of other terrible health effects over the last year which are too lengthy to go into.

Now internal organ and CNS damage is causing my intestines to stop working, basically food goes in but is beginning to not come out. I'm postponing the need for surgery as much as possible by barely eating and taking drugs that artificially stimulate peristalsis. The drugs are not working very well and slowly becoming more useless.

I am still eating for now, only barely. I appreciate every little bite. What I would give to just be able to eat and crap normally.

Best case scenario I might need my colon removed, and have some kind of ostomy bag or j-pouch for the rest of my life- something I might be ok with as long as I could still eat. Crohn's disease and IBD patients do it all the time!

But it's more likely that I might need my small intestine completely removed, and then end up getting all my nutrition through an IV drip and no longer eating food orally whatsoever. Like this girl https://www.inflamedanduntamed.org/my-life-with-chronic-intestinal-pseudo-obstruction/ ...and I thought just having depression was bad enough!

I have always considered food to be a major enjoyment in life. Cooking for others was always one of my greatest joys.

The auto-immune like action of this damage is also starting to affect my eyes, causing some issue that is similar to mild scleritis. I may start to lose vision.

Shitting into a bag connected to my stomach and maybe losing eyesight aswell? Or a lifetime of no eating, dangerous medications and all my food through an IV drip?

No thanks. I've decided I would rather ctb. I would rather be dead!

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Someone who I still remain in contact with, following one of my sectionings, has and still is battling cancer.

He has a colonoscopy bag, and he manages.

I feel your pain.

But what the f**k did this person poison you for? I hope they paid for what they did to you?

I'm here if you want to PM me x.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I am sorry you have to go through this. There are no words to accurately describe the horrific injustice and bitter resentment one feels having to endure this miserable existence.

I am sorry I don't have any cheerful words to offer. I think we all would prefer to be dead than to drag this on for any longer. But ctb is really hard. Even with the best plans and peaceful methods SI will always try to interfere.

 

[Belljar]

He should get life in prison for this. I'm so sorry.

 

[GentleJerk]

Thank you for your kind words, you guys understand and know what it means to need suicide as an option and that's why I love this forum. One person might be happy to live under certain conditions and that's great, but another may not. And I think people really need to start accepting this.

Someone who I still remain in contact with, following one of my sectionings, has and still is battling cancer.

He has a colonoscopy bag, and he manages.

I feel your pain.

But what the f**k did this person poison you for? I hope they paid for what they did to you?

I'm here if you want to PM me x.

My heart goes out to your friend, I've heard ostomy bags are something people eventually learn to adapt to, and they often say it isn't as bad as they thought it would be. That's one reason why if this is an option, I might be ok with it.

But the main concern with an ostomy would be my other health issues, on top of other things I have such terrible fatigue and difficulty focusing that I barely look after myself and the house anymore. If I had to deal with the constant maintenance of an ostomy on top of all that it might be too much. I'd at least be open to seeing how it goes first.

As for why this person poisoned me, he might have had specific reasons but I don't know. I think unfortunately It's a sad fact of life that there's some people on this planet who are just sick in the head and plain evil. People who gain others trust and wish to inflict pain and suffering. Murderers. All sorts. There were even a few warning signs but I ignored them all because I'm too trusting.

Thank you @Cockney_Rebel

I am sorry you have to go through this. There are no words to accurately describe the horrific injustice and bitter resentment one feels having to endure this miserable existence.

I am sorry I don't have any cheerful words to offer. I think we all would prefer to be dead than to drag this on for any longer. But ctb is really hard. Even with the best plans and peaceful methods SI will always try to interfere.

@eternalmelancholy there's no need to be sorry, but I really appreciate your empathy and kind words. Thank you.

I've gone through many emotions and felt indifferent, angry, scared, thinking I can somehow fix it, you name it. But as bad as it sounds, after doing everything to heal and only getting worse I have to try to accept it, and remind myself that I've had a decent run and there are 9 year olds out there with brain cancer.

Ctb would have seemed like an impossibility to me before this happened. Never in a million years would I have even dreamed of it, no way. Now I understand how important having it as an option really is.

He should get life in prison for this. I'm so sorry.

@Belljar I've struggled a lot with my belief in the law of karma. It sucks because it's a belief that I don't even like or understand, but I seem to have it regardless.

On one hand, it implies that we deserve what happens to us. And it seems to give immunity to injustice- oh, that evil person lives a comfy decent life because of some merit they gained over previous lives.. or oh, that innocent childs suffering is balancing something they did in a previous life/lives. This is very hard to accept.

Each person can think what they like. But the way I look at it is, if theres no law of karma then theres no reason for suffering. Innocent children suffer greatly for no reason, evil people can live long healthy lives and do whatever they like, cause as much suffering as they want without any consequences or repercussions. As long as a person doesnt get caught then its all good and nothing happens.

If that was the case- I might have a long list of names that I would be crossing off!

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I've gone through many emotions and felt indifferent, angry, scared, thinking I can somehow fix it, you name it. But as bad as it sounds, after doing everything to heal and only getting worse I have to try to accept it, and remind myself that I've had a decent run and there are 9 year olds out there with brain cancer.

It really angers me that the world can be so cruel. Whenever I read these stories I end up visualizing it in my mind like a movie. Which can be very traumatic even as an outsider looking in. I can't even begin to imagine the horror and pain that people on here have to face on a daily basis.

I have gone through the gamut of emotions like everyone else. I am just really tired by this point. I have nothing else left to give. I am glad that you shared your story with us. I think it helps to air out all your thoughts, although the resentment and despair never fully goes away.

Sometimes I feel really stupid for posting all this nonsense. I can barely figure out how to mange my own life let alone try to give advice to others.

 

[GentleJerk]

It really angers me that the world can be so cruel. Whenever I read these stories I end up visualizing it in my mind like a movie. Which can be very traumatic even as an outsider looking in. I can't even begin to imagine the horror and pain that people on here have to face on a daily basis.

I have gone through the gamut of emotions like everyone else. I am just really tired by this point. I have nothing else left to give. I am glad that you shared your story with us. I think it helps to air out all your thoughts, although the resentment and despair never fully goes away.

Sometimes I feel really stupid for posting all this nonsense. I can barely figure out how to mange my own life let alone try to give advice to others.

Honestly people here have no idea how much it means to me that you are simply there, reading what I've written and offering understanding and support.

Don't feel like that because I'm grateful for your input, and people like you who get it are rare in this world so we're pretty lucky here at SS!

 

[WearyHSP]

Gentle Soul, I'm touched by your post. I find some of your challenges relatable but in a minor way in comparison. In fact, you seem optimistic given the challenges that appear to be at your doorstep. Horrifying that you were poisoned!

For what it's worth, I believe in reincarnation and karma. I think the typical beliefs about karma are oversimplified.

For instance, The victimization that's happened in this lifetime, I believe has been a thread from other lifetimes with similar victimization. I don't believe that's happening to me because I was bad and deserved punishment, rather, I believe that after the first incident it changed how I viewed myself and the world and everything that's come up for several lifetimes since has been my trying to get back to the clean slate and clearing whatever energetic baggage that attracts the repeating trauma. (when I say "attracts" to be clear, I'm not blaming myself for this phenomenon, as if I could just "think" it away.)

As for your poisoner, I do think it'll come back to him. Maybe not this lifetime.

Just my opinion.

 

[GentleJerk]

Gentle Soul, I'm touched by your post. I find some of your challenges relatable but in a minor way in comparison. In fact, you seem optimistic given the challenges that appear to be at your doorstep. Horrifying that you were poisoned!

For what it's worth, I believe in reincarnation and karma. I think the typical beliefs about karma are oversimplified.

For instance, The victimization that's happened in this lifetime, I believe has been a thread from other lifetimes with similar victimization. I don't believe that's happening to me because I was bad and deserved punishment, rather, I believe that after the first incident it changed how I viewed myself and the world and everything that's come up for several lifetimes since has been my trying to get back to the clean slate and clearing whatever energetic baggage that attracts the repeating trauma. (when I say "attracts" to be clear, I'm not blaming myself for this phenomenon, as if I could just "think" it away.)

As for your poisoner, I do think it'll come back to him. Maybe not this lifetime.

Just my opinion.

Always a funny feeling when I realize plenty of people relate to what I'm going through. Its a mix of comfort knowing that I'm not alone, and frustration that I have lived most of my entire life totally carefree and unaware of all this suffering, until it started happening to me. No wonder people feel so alone. And most of society at large lives in a cozy bubble that's so small they can easily ignore/deny that other people have to live this reality.

Same. I first came to know reincarnation when I was a child, before I ever heard about it. There was a sudden realization when I was playing with my cat, like a soft underground boom... "This person isn't human"... Sounds silly but it always stuck with me and I still see animals this way.

That's very interesting, and such a unique way of looking at it. They say that the wise see karma but to completely understand how it works would be maddening.

As for your opinion about my poisoner, I agree

Thank you @WearyHSP

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you are going through. Some people are just so cruel and awful. No one should have to suffer like that. I wish you the best.

 

[GentleJerk]

That sounds so horrible what you are going through. Some people are just so cruel and awful. No one should have to suffer like that. I wish you the best.

Thank you @FuneralCry , it's good to see you posting again.

 

[GentleJerk]

But i am curious about the specifics of the poisoning story. How, why it happened. Again only if you are comfortable to share

Yeah sure, It's a bit of a long story but I don't mind sharing some of what happened for whoever wants to know.

How? I used to have a close friend I'd often catch up with and we'd hang out when I was younger, he lived with his older brother who I'll refer to as JM. I've known them for a while.

JM looks a bit like a biker version of Hagred from harry potter, and has always had an obvious interest in morbid stuff. He's got these magazines of nasty gore material and loves his Cannibal Corpse. Every horror movie ever made in the lounge room. But I like the occasional horror flick and have listened to my share of metal, so I never really thought anything of it. I always liked him. He loved to smoke weed and drink but was always friendly enough.

My friend became badly addicted to meth, ending up in jail for a while and I lost contact with them for years. But over a year ago he got out and moved back in with his older brother. He got off meth and I started hanging out and skating with him again. When I visited, his brother would sometimes offer me home-made food and drinks, banana bread, pizza, jams and other things when I would visit. He made them all from scratch.

One day my daughter's mum started seeing another man behind my back and when I found out about it, I went to my friends place and asked if I could maybe stay there on the couch if I needed to. I was very upset and we had been having problems for a while. Since it was JM's place, I asked him about the possibility of staying, I opened up to him about everything that was going on.

He disappeared for a while into the shed, which was always sort of off-limits and no one would ever go in there except him. He came back about a half hour later, with a quarter of a cup full of some yellow alcoholic beverage and offered it to me.

He told me it was 'mead' fermented from honey and very much wanted me to try it, but I don't like to drink so I kindly refused. But he kept insisting, saying he wanted to know what I think of it, and suggested a little drink would help me relax. So after a while I agreed.

I was actually a bit skeptical about it, I asked if he would have some with me but he said he doesn't like mead and prefers beer. He would not drink this stuff with me and there should have been alarm bells ringing by this point but I let myself trust him. It smelled fine, and when I took a tiny sip, it tasted ok. Even though it did not look at all like the mead another friend of mine had once, I finished it and slept there for the night.

The next day, I woke up and had lesions around my eyes, with abdominal pain and some sores and small red spots on my lips and in my mouth. I knew straight away it was from the drink. When I spoke to JM about it, he said that his mother was allergic to mead too and would get rashes sometimes but that it would go away eventually. I took his word for it and went home.

Thats when this nightmare started. Over the next few weeks the abdominal pain grew worse, I went to multiple doctors who dismissed and ignored me, told me to just take otc painkillers, or even suggested it was all in my head until I found one that agreed to order all different tests, but nothing was showing up.

I spoke to one of JM's friends down the track and he mentioned that when asking about me, JM said I 'was sick' and going to 'end up on immunosupressant drugs' but didn't explain. When I told my friend that his brothers mead had made me unwell, he denied it. He messaged me a few months ago wanting to catch up but I told him I know for a fact the mead made me unwell, and that I strongly suspect JM did it on purpose and now I don't trust either of them. He had the guts to say he thinks I'm crazy and then said he doesn't want to have any more contact. That's fine by me as I cut off all contact with them when it first happened.

He tried to message me again recently saying that he misses me and that if JM is the problem, he has moved to a new house and wants to catch up- but I can't bring myself to do it. The damage done has essentially killed me.

As for why? JM might have had some specific reason but I don't really know why. I have come to the conclusion that there are some despicable, evil people in the world. Those who will gain a persons trust just to harm them. Sick in the head. Murderers.... It happens.

Sorry for lengthiness of the post and if you read through it all, thank you.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Yeah sure, It's a bit of a long story but I don't mind sharing some of what happened for whoever wants to know.

How? I used to have a close friend I'd often catch up with and we'd hang out when I was younger, he lived with his older brother who I'll refer to as JM. I've known them for a while.

JM looks a bit like a biker version of Hagred from harry potter, and has always had an obvious interest in morbid stuff. He's got these magazines of nasty gore material and loves his Cannibal Corpse. Every horror movie ever made in the lounge room. But I like the occasional horror flick and have listened to my share of metal, so I never really thought anything of it. I always liked him. He loved to smoke weed and drink but was always friendly enough.

My friend became badly addicted to meth, ending up in jail for a while and I lost contact with them for years. But over a year ago he got out and moved back in with his older brother. He got off meth and I started hanging out and skating with him again. When I visited, his brother would sometimes offer me home-made food and drinks, banana bread, pizza, jams and other things when I would visit. He made them all from scratch.

One day my daughter's mum started seeing another man behind my back and when I found out about it, I went to my friends place and asked if I could maybe stay there on the couch if I needed to. I was very upset and we had been having problems for a while. Since it was JM's place, I asked him about the possibility of staying, I opened up to him about everything that was going on.

He disappeared for a while into the shed, which was always sort of off-limits and no one would ever go in there except him. He came back about a half hour later, with a quarter of a cup full of some yellow alcoholic beverage and offered it to me.

He told me it was 'mead' fermented from honey and very much wanted me to try it, but I don't like to drink so I kindly refused. But he kept insisting, saying he wanted to know what I think of it, and suggested a little drink would help me relax. So after a while I agreed.

I was actually a bit skeptical about it, I asked if he would have some with me but he said he doesn't like mead and prefers beer. He would not drink this stuff with me and there should have been alarm bells ringing by this point but I let myself trust him. It smelled fine, and when I took a tiny sip, it tasted ok. Even though it did not look at all like the mead another friend of mine had once, I finished it and slept there for the night.

The next day, I woke up and had lesions around my eyes, with abdominal pain and some sores and small red spots on my lips and in my mouth. I knew straight away it was from the drink. When I spoke to JM about it, he said that his mother was allergic to mead too and would get rashes sometimes but that it would go away eventually. I took his word for it and went home.

Thats when this nightmare started. Over the next few weeks the abdominal pain grew worse, I went to multiple doctors who dismissed and ignored me, told me to just take otc painkillers, or even suggested it was all in my head until I found one that agreed to order all different tests, but nothing was showing up.

I spoke to one of JM's friends down the track and he mentioned that when asking about me, JM said I 'was sick' and going to 'end up on immunosupressant drugs' but didn't explain. When I told my friend that his brothers mead had made me unwell, he denied it. He messaged me a few months ago wanting to catch up but I told him I know for a fact the mead made me unwell, and that I strongly suspect JM did it on purpose and now I don't trust either of them. He had the guts to say he thinks I'm crazy and then said he doesn't want to have any more contact. That's fine by me as I cut off all contact with them when it first happened.

He tried to message me again recently saying that he misses me and that if JM is the problem, he has moved to a new house and wants to catch up- but I can't bring myself to do it. The damage done has essentially killed me.

As for why? JM might have had some specific reason but I don't really know why. I have come to the conclusion that there are some despicable, evil people in the world. Those who will gain a persons trust just to harm them. Sick in the head. Murderers.... It happens.

Sorry for lengthiness of the post and if you read through it all, thank you.

Thats really crazy story. Im so sorry you went through that experience. I bet the worst part mentally for you is your inability to understand why someone would do something like that. You may even doubt your own sanity because of such incident because it is just so morbidly unbelievable.

 

[TooConscious]

Gentle Soul, I'm touched by your post. I find some of your challenges relatable but in a minor way in comparison. In fact, you seem optimistic given the challenges that appear to be at your doorstep. Horrifying that you were poisoned!

For what it's worth, I believe in reincarnation and karma. I think the typical beliefs about karma are oversimplified.

For instance, The victimization that's happened in this lifetime, I believe has been a thread from other lifetimes with similar victimization. I don't believe that's happening to me because I was bad and deserved punishment, rather, I believe that after the first incident it changed how I viewed myself and the world and everything that's come up for several lifetimes since has been my trying to get back to the clean slate and clearing whatever energetic baggage that attracts the repeating trauma. (when I say "attracts" to be clear, I'm not blaming myself for this phenomenon, as if I could just "think" it away.)

As for your poisoner, I do think it'll come back to him. Maybe not this lifetime.

Just my opinion.

You've worded my dilemma very well attracting the trauma etc.

It really can be a lousy gig for some of us. The injustice is horrific.

Gentle Soul I'm sorry this happened to you, you sound to have kept your empathy which is good. Most wouldn't.

 

[rationaltake]

This is absolutely atrocious. I'm so sorry @GentleSoul that you are suffering like this. Some people are just evil.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Sorry if this is a dumb question, but if nothing is showing up on your medical tests, how do you know you're going to need all of this surgery eventually?

 

[WearyHSP]

You've worded my dilemma very well attracting the trauma etc.

really? I know of almost nobody who understands repeat trauma, which in my case is like science-fiction, it's so weird.
It's a sad phenomenon when the victim just keeps getting victimized and sometimes even blamed for being a victim.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

So I'll share my mine.

What the fuck dude. Thats an awful story.

 

[GentleJerk]

Thats really crazy story. Im so sorry you went through that experience. I bet the worst part mentally for you is your inability to understand why someone would do something like that. You may even doubt your own sanity because of such incident because it is just so morbidly unbelievable.

I don't struggle with trying to understand why, It doesn't matter anyway, only that he did it. He's just that type of person who enjoys violence, disease, death, putrefaction and suffering. He'd always joke about those things but I thought it was just a weird obsession and never really thought he would do anything to harm me.

What I have struggled with are the ongoing abdo pains that have slowly kept getting worse, and all the new symptoms that have started in the past 8 months. Burning pain in the stomach. Constant headaches. Dry burning red eyes. Fatigue and weakness. Extremely dry mouth and throat. Difficulty focusing and declining mental function. Sore joints. And now intestinal and bowel function starting to fail.

EDIT: I do struggle a lot with other people especially doctors not believing me. But at the same time I don't care if people believe it or not, I know what happened and I am 100% sure. Whatever it was I drank that night, I woke up the next day with pain and illness from it, that has continued to progress and I have never recovered.

You've worded my dilemma very well attracting the trauma etc.

It really can be a lousy gig for some of us. The injustice is horrific.

Gentle Soul I'm sorry this happened to you, you sound to have kept your empathy which is good. Most wouldn't.

Thank you. Always been an empathetic person I don't think that will ever change. I've definitely struggled with it, in the end sometimes we have to accept things. I used to want revenge, justice or something of the sort but it won't change what has happened and holding on to these feelings takes a toll. I just want to let go.

This is absolutely atrocious. I'm so sorry @GentleSoul that you are suffering like this. Some people are just evil.

Thanks rationaltake. I agree, normal people find it hard to wrap their head around until they themselves experience evil. it's definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.

Sorry if this is a dumb question, but if nothing is showing up on your medical tests, how do you know you're going to need all of this surgery eventually?

So far there has been no cause identified from simple blood tests and scans. So some of the symptoms are labeled as idiopathic, or of no known cause. But there is autoimmune pathology, meaning that my body's immune system is apparently attacking itself, this can happen because of a possible unidentified infection or a persistent inflammatory response to damage somewhere in the body.

The pain and debilitating effects are still present, the function of my GI organs have started to fail. Maybe TMI but In the past few weeks my bowels have completely stopped moving on their own, and I am completely reliant on medication just to use the bathroom. These are not long term solutions and if food keeps going in but not out, eventually there will be serious complications. Surgery is the final option for intestinal failure, but obviously they want to postpone having to do that as much as possible.

 

[Messgram]

everything you said made me so angry with this freak that poisoned you, if it were me I don't know what I would do to him/her. It also makes me realize how there are people in situations far worse than mine... and yet I consider my life hell. There is no limit to how bad suffering can get and it terrifies me a lot. Horrible things happen to people who never deserved it, life is so unfair and cruel. I just hope something really good happens and you get better.

 

[_Seeking]

It could be some kind of pesticide poisoning, you might want to ask your doctor for an RBC cholinesterase test. There are some truly evil people out there.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

This really struck a chord with me. I know there's nothing much I can say, but I read it all, and it is truly disgusting that someone would do this. I'm so sorry.

The fact that no one believed you, including the doctors, is horrific.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Onthe29th]

You're a very strong person and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I know people on feeding tubes, and people who have had ostomies (none on tpn though) but they all handle it differently. Some learn to live with it and others are embarrassed about (which is understandable). Just know that there's no right answer for what you're going through and no matter what you decide, I respect your decision.

 

[GentleJerk]

everything you said made me so angry with this freak that poisoned you, if it were me I don't know what I would do to him/her. It also makes me realize how there are people in situations far worse than mine... and yet I consider my life hell. There is no limit to how bad suffering can get and it terrifies me a lot. Horrible things happen to people who never deserved it, life is so unfair and cruel. I just hope something really good happens and you get better.

It's definitely not fun and something I wish I wasn't going through... It's funny, even though I'm at the point more than ever where I don't think things will improve, I'm still holding on to some delusional hope that something will happen and things get better.

Just because someone else is suffering in a way that may be perceived as worse than your situation, it doesn't discount what you are going through at all. I guess a personal hell is different for everybody but still hell nonetheless. I hope whatever you are going through gets better too. Thank you Messgram.

It could be some kind of pesticide poisoning, you might want to ask your doctor for an RBC cholinesterase test. There are some truly evil people out there.

Alright, I'm having a look at that right now, thank you heaps _Seeking.

This really struck a chord with me. I know there's nothing much I can say, but I read it all, and it is truly disgusting that someone would do this. I'm so sorry.

The fact that no one believed you, including the doctors, is horrific.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you for the understanding and kind words ColorlessTrees. I very much appreciate it.

Being dismissed, ignored and fobbed off over and over is the worst part, aside from the actual problem itself of course.

You're a very strong person and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I know people on feeding tubes, and people who have had ostomies (none on tpn though) but they all handle it differently. Some learn to live with it and others are embarrassed about (which is understandable). Just know that there's no right answer for what you're going through and no matter what you decide, I respect your decision.

That's what I love about this forum, so much unconditional understanding and support. I have so much respect for people who are enduring those sort of things and still strong and happy. I imagine whether it's TPN or a feeding tube, if it means nil by mouth that would be something I don't think I could handle. Thank you for respecting whatever decision I make.

 

[bigfishlittlefish]

So I'll share my mine.

I was poisoned by my best friend's brother. Needless to say we aren't friends anymore!

This ruined my life in many ways, I went from being happy and healthy, skating everyday and looking after my daughter- to becoming bedridden and almost unable to think or do the simplest things. Along with a lot of other terrible health effects over the last year which are too lengthy to go into.

Now internal organ and CNS damage is causing my intestines to stop working, basically food goes in but is beginning to not come out. I'm postponing the need for surgery as much as possible by barely eating and taking drugs that artificially stimulate peristalsis. The drugs are not working very well and slowly becoming more useless.

I am still eating for now, only barely. I appreciate every little bite. What I would give to just be able to eat and crap normally.

Best case scenario I might need my colon removed, and have some kind of ostomy bag or j-pouch for the rest of my life- something I might be ok with as long as I could still eat. Crohn's disease and IBD patients do it all the time!

But it's more likely that I might need my small intestine completely removed, and then end up getting all my nutrition through an IV drip and no longer eating food orally whatsoever. Like this girl https://www.inflamedanduntamed.org/my-life-with-chronic-intestinal-pseudo-obstruction/ ...and I thought just having depression was bad enough!

I have always considered food to be a major enjoyment in life. Cooking for others was always one of my greatest joys.

The auto-immune like action of this damage is also starting to affect my eyes, causing some issue that is similar to mild scleritis. I may start to lose vision.

Shitting into a bag connected to my stomach and maybe losing eyesight aswell? Or a lifetime of no eating, dangerous medications and all my food through an IV drip?

No thanks. I've decided I would rather ctb. I would rather be dead!

I have very similar gastric medical problems to you and totally understand the way you're feeling.

 

[GentleJerk]

I have very similar gastric medical problems to you and totally understand the way you're feeling.

I'm sorry you're going through it too my friend, you have my full support. I really wish I could magically change things for people suffering through chronic illness.

 

[TooConscious]

I don't struggle with trying to understand why, It doesn't matter anyway, only that he did it. He's just that type of person who enjoys violence, disease, death, putrefaction and suffering. He'd always joke about those things but I thought it was just a weird obsession and never really thought he would do anything to harm me.

What I have struggled with are the ongoing abdo pains that have slowly kept getting worse, and all the new symptoms that have started in the past 8 months. Burning pain in the stomach. Constant headaches. Dry burning red eyes. Fatigue and weakness. Extremely dry mouth and throat. Difficulty focusing and declining mental function. Sore joints. And now intestinal and bowel function starting to fail.

EDIT: I do struggle a lot with other people especially doctors not believing me. But at the same time I don't care if people believe it or not, I know what happened and I am 100% sure. Whatever it was I drank that night, I woke up the next day with pain and illness from it, that has continued to progress and I have never recovered.

Thank you. Always been an empathetic person I don't think that will ever change. I've definitely struggled with it, in the end sometimes we have to accept things. I used to want revenge, justice or something of the sort but it won't change what has happened and holding on to these feelings takes a toll. I just want to let go.

Thanks rationaltake. I agree, normal people find it hard to wrap their head around until they themselves experience evil. it's definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.

So far there has been no cause identified from simple blood tests and scans. So some of the symptoms are labeled as idiopathic, or of no known cause. But there is autoimmune pathology, meaning that my body's immune system is apparently attacking itself, this can happen because of a possible unidentified infection or a persistent inflammatory response to damage somewhere in the body.

The pain and debilitating effects are still present, the function of my GI organs have started to fail. Maybe TMI but In the past few weeks my bowels have completely stopped moving on their own, and I am completely reliant on medication just to use the bathroom. These are not long term solutions and if food keeps going in but not out, eventually there will be serious complications. Surgery is the final option for intestinal failure, but obviously they want to postpone having to do that as much as possible.

The quote about resentment being like swallowing a poison is definitely based in reality... So when you're already poisoned or in my case chronically I'll from disease/genetics its best we don't do that to ourselves too. But it's so fucking hard, so, well done.

really? I know of almost nobody who understands repeat trauma, which in my case is like science-fiction, it's so weird.
It's a sad phenomenon when the victim just keeps getting victimized and sometimes even blamed for being a victim.

Yes you really conveyed a complex subject. It's not easy to put into words and very few of us can even comprehend its happening to us because it just depends on chance... In between that chronic pain do you glimpse it from an outside view to see it for what it is... Unfortunately that state of perception is few and far between, as I said some people don't even become aware and I guess are the biggest suffering cattle pigs, but then again, are they better off not knowing there's a better existence opportunity if only we could grasp those brief ideas of awareness between the agony and nauseation existential crisis. Hope that makes some sense if at all. Good luck