Graham.N
Euthanasia is the greatest form of compassion
- Aug 5, 2020
- 12
It's been over four months since the fires were here in Los Angeles. The day before the fires broke out, I was in Malibu. I spent the day on the beach, lying in the sand. Many would have considered this an ideal day, but I felt nothing for me. The evening came around, and I gave a couple a ride out further in Malibu to a nice restaurant. I dropped them off and pulled off on the side of the road, not too far away. I sat in my car for close to an hour.
I would watch the bus drive by. It didn't run very frequently, allowing me to contemplate my decision longer. A 40ft 40,000 lb. vehicle going at the speed limit of 55 MPH would pass by with such force I could feel the wind inside my car with the windows up. The outcome would be certain, I told myself. I was ready. My seatbelt was unbuckled, and I watched from my sideview mirror, ready to jump out. I couldn't do it.
Like back in 2019, when I had a rope around my neck in my bedroom while sitting in a desk chair in my apartment, something told me to wait and stay another day. This was before the sight of constant suffering, neglect, and euthanized animals consumed my weeks and, consequently, my mind. It would always be an option. I feel like that was a lie.
The next day, all the major fires broke out here. The Palisades went ablaze. Seeing it in person was fear-inducing. Having grown up here in Los Angeles, seeing this town on fire with smoke so thick you couldn't see 20 feet in front of you was a lot to process.
Malibu along PCH burned, too, and the surrounding mountains were also impacted. The rains came later, too. Before the rains, PCH was briefly opened, but traffic was so heavy that it was a nice, free-flowing road with cars traveling at a high-speed rate dropped to a crawl like the 10 at peak rush hour. Traffic flowed at no more than 20 MPH.
After the rains, PCH is now mostly closed, and I can only imagine the speeds being even slower. I heard one secondhand report that someone made the trek from Malibu to Santa Monica, which took almost 3 hours. So, even if the bus is still running, it will not be at a speed that is effective enough to provide the desired results. So there goes that option.
Life continually loses meaning and has been increasingly absent for the better part of 6 years, hence the continuous consideration. Admittedly, some periods were better than others, but these periods were fleeting. During that time, I have been on multiple different medications, had a few different jobs with none of which providing any type of long term relief and all of which felt like a chore in the end.
The work was fun but I never felt I would make enough money to do anything other than work. I felt like a rat stuck on a wheel.
I started back on medications about a week ago and during the day the medications numb me into oblivion, kind of and for brief moments only, and at night when they wear off I am out of the fog and go back to wanting to die. Usually stronger than it was in the morning. Remembering all the missed opportunities, mistakes of my past, and time wasted pursuing endeavors that proved to be fruitless.
One would think that if that feeling is so persistent and that much time has gone by with the feeling not only remaining the same, but progressively worsening over time that the choice would not only be me that is rational but one that is to be expected. It should not matter other aspects of my life like health, finances, or familiar relationships. It's quite simple, I don't want to be alive and I want to get out of this world. Plain and simple. I don't understand the world.
I feel like a lot people have an agenda. They are trying to get you to do something or buy something, and most of the time the things they are trying to get you to do may not even be in your best interest. There are people out there that I like, but going out into the world is generally not something I look forward too.
This is even worse when spending time on the internet. Everything I do now just feels like a distraction. Something that makes me forget how I really feel. I don't watch TV anymore because after about 10 to 15 minutes I begin to feel worse than I did before I started. TikTok has lost its appeal because 90 percent of the videos are trying to sell you something. YouTube is very limited for the same reason but they also use click bate captions and titles that are over played and heavily scripted, and the music I put on I tend the mentally tune out entirely or listen to for brief periods before tuning out.
Running away seem like the best option currently. Leaving everything behind so no one can find me. No phone no electronics, and no car too. All I need to do is find a cave far away from everyone and every thing and hide in it for as long as possible. I won't need food or water where I am going.
Running off in to the woods and disappearing while still being alive is at least in societies perspective, is not suicide, but ultimately has the same effect. I am just MIA. Maybe I'll come back and maybe I will not. At least there is hope.
I would watch the bus drive by. It didn't run very frequently, allowing me to contemplate my decision longer. A 40ft 40,000 lb. vehicle going at the speed limit of 55 MPH would pass by with such force I could feel the wind inside my car with the windows up. The outcome would be certain, I told myself. I was ready. My seatbelt was unbuckled, and I watched from my sideview mirror, ready to jump out. I couldn't do it.
Like back in 2019, when I had a rope around my neck in my bedroom while sitting in a desk chair in my apartment, something told me to wait and stay another day. This was before the sight of constant suffering, neglect, and euthanized animals consumed my weeks and, consequently, my mind. It would always be an option. I feel like that was a lie.
The next day, all the major fires broke out here. The Palisades went ablaze. Seeing it in person was fear-inducing. Having grown up here in Los Angeles, seeing this town on fire with smoke so thick you couldn't see 20 feet in front of you was a lot to process.
Malibu along PCH burned, too, and the surrounding mountains were also impacted. The rains came later, too. Before the rains, PCH was briefly opened, but traffic was so heavy that it was a nice, free-flowing road with cars traveling at a high-speed rate dropped to a crawl like the 10 at peak rush hour. Traffic flowed at no more than 20 MPH.
After the rains, PCH is now mostly closed, and I can only imagine the speeds being even slower. I heard one secondhand report that someone made the trek from Malibu to Santa Monica, which took almost 3 hours. So, even if the bus is still running, it will not be at a speed that is effective enough to provide the desired results. So there goes that option.
Life continually loses meaning and has been increasingly absent for the better part of 6 years, hence the continuous consideration. Admittedly, some periods were better than others, but these periods were fleeting. During that time, I have been on multiple different medications, had a few different jobs with none of which providing any type of long term relief and all of which felt like a chore in the end.
The work was fun but I never felt I would make enough money to do anything other than work. I felt like a rat stuck on a wheel.
I started back on medications about a week ago and during the day the medications numb me into oblivion, kind of and for brief moments only, and at night when they wear off I am out of the fog and go back to wanting to die. Usually stronger than it was in the morning. Remembering all the missed opportunities, mistakes of my past, and time wasted pursuing endeavors that proved to be fruitless.
One would think that if that feeling is so persistent and that much time has gone by with the feeling not only remaining the same, but progressively worsening over time that the choice would not only be me that is rational but one that is to be expected. It should not matter other aspects of my life like health, finances, or familiar relationships. It's quite simple, I don't want to be alive and I want to get out of this world. Plain and simple. I don't understand the world.
I feel like a lot people have an agenda. They are trying to get you to do something or buy something, and most of the time the things they are trying to get you to do may not even be in your best interest. There are people out there that I like, but going out into the world is generally not something I look forward too.
This is even worse when spending time on the internet. Everything I do now just feels like a distraction. Something that makes me forget how I really feel. I don't watch TV anymore because after about 10 to 15 minutes I begin to feel worse than I did before I started. TikTok has lost its appeal because 90 percent of the videos are trying to sell you something. YouTube is very limited for the same reason but they also use click bate captions and titles that are over played and heavily scripted, and the music I put on I tend the mentally tune out entirely or listen to for brief periods before tuning out.
Running away seem like the best option currently. Leaving everything behind so no one can find me. No phone no electronics, and no car too. All I need to do is find a cave far away from everyone and every thing and hide in it for as long as possible. I won't need food or water where I am going.
Running off in to the woods and disappearing while still being alive is at least in societies perspective, is not suicide, but ultimately has the same effect. I am just MIA. Maybe I'll come back and maybe I will not. At least there is hope.
