Unsure and Useless
Dreaming Endlessly, not Wanting to Wake Up
- Feb 7, 2023
- 540
Forgive me if I sound borderline incoherent. I'm extremely erratic right now, so it's having an effect on my ability to properly articulate myself
Throughout my life, my parents have sacrificed a lot for me, and to this day, my parents—particularly my father—still do their best to support me. Yet, I keep letting them down. My academic performance is significantly below average, and I have nothing to my name. For all intents and purposes, I am a waste of space and resources, which is why I want to CTB. That way, they won't have to sink anymore resources into me. Hell, even with my corpse, they could just dump me in some random place, and the thought of that doesn't disturb me at all. If anything, I hope they just dump by body somewhere for cheap
However, going through with CTB doesn't erase the resources they already spent on me. I don't know what to do. I keep being given lessons, yet I just never learn for some reason. Even when everything's on the line, it's like I can't muster up any energy to do anything about it. I'm aware that this is depression or at least some form of it, but I can't get support. Not only is therapy ludicrously expensive, but my parents, for all the things that they do for me, aren't willing to waste money on pseudoscience that religion can do better in. Tangent aside, if I CTB, then what will happen to the money that they've spent on me? The debts they took out in my stead? It'll still be there, but if I die, they won't have to spend anymore money on me
I'm torn. Already, I'm trying to find a method to CTB to the best of my ability. For the longest time, I've been deadset on SN since that seemed like the easiest one to go through with, but the more I try to find a source, the more I realize that the odds of me actually acquiring it and keeping it on my person long enough to find a proper location and antiemetics are extremely slim to none. I'm doing more research in the night-night and ligature method since those seem more feasible for me—though I'm extremely nervous I'll mess up. (Because, really, what constitutes as "enough research"?)
This is the most autonomy I feel like I've been given. It stresses me out to no end. These are the highest stakes in my entire life, and I'm risking homelessness due to being kicked out (lol)
Throughout my life, my parents have sacrificed a lot for me, and to this day, my parents—particularly my father—still do their best to support me. Yet, I keep letting them down. My academic performance is significantly below average, and I have nothing to my name. For all intents and purposes, I am a waste of space and resources, which is why I want to CTB. That way, they won't have to sink anymore resources into me. Hell, even with my corpse, they could just dump me in some random place, and the thought of that doesn't disturb me at all. If anything, I hope they just dump by body somewhere for cheap
However, going through with CTB doesn't erase the resources they already spent on me. I don't know what to do. I keep being given lessons, yet I just never learn for some reason. Even when everything's on the line, it's like I can't muster up any energy to do anything about it. I'm aware that this is depression or at least some form of it, but I can't get support. Not only is therapy ludicrously expensive, but my parents, for all the things that they do for me, aren't willing to waste money on pseudoscience that religion can do better in. Tangent aside, if I CTB, then what will happen to the money that they've spent on me? The debts they took out in my stead? It'll still be there, but if I die, they won't have to spend anymore money on me
I'm torn. Already, I'm trying to find a method to CTB to the best of my ability. For the longest time, I've been deadset on SN since that seemed like the easiest one to go through with, but the more I try to find a source, the more I realize that the odds of me actually acquiring it and keeping it on my person long enough to find a proper location and antiemetics are extremely slim to none. I'm doing more research in the night-night and ligature method since those seem more feasible for me—though I'm extremely nervous I'll mess up. (Because, really, what constitutes as "enough research"?)
This is the most autonomy I feel like I've been given. It stresses me out to no end. These are the highest stakes in my entire life, and I'm risking homelessness due to being kicked out (lol)
