KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,740
I am one of those people who has never been suited for survival anyway- always too sensitive, too in-tune with the suffering going on in the world, and unable to cope with the crushing demands that have only continued to pile up since I matured from adolescence into adulthood.
Even as a teenager, I knew I was living on borrowed time. When I'd hear my family fighting, screaming, and insulting each other, and I was powerless to do anything except rot alone in my room, I'd tell myself I didn't want to live to see my 15th birthday. Then, the day came and passed, and I pondered the matter some more, to which I concluded that I definitely did not want to still be around at age 16. This repeated every year, until lo and behold, I'm 23 and somehow still stuck on this fucking rock, unable to commit that final act that would free me from all of this suffering.
Yet, I am so painfully aware of how much all of this has aged me. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of a thousand burdens on my shoulders, after all I've been through, and the losses and pain that have accumulated over time have made me feel more akin to a withered old man waiting for the end of a tumultuous journey rather than a young adult woman who is constantly told by unassuming strangers that they should be full of life and raring to go for 5 or 6 more decades.
Multiple attempts to live were fruitless, and after one too many times of getting one's hopes up that x problem can be fixed, only to be met with no solutions, I came to the rational conclusion that I don't want to fight a losing battle anymore. Especially as my situation WILL deteriorate with time, and it already has, but people have some sort of wool over their eyes, some impenetrable sense of disbelief, since they think the 20s are a magical time full of freedom and choice (perhaps if you are healthy and neurotypical with loads of resources.) For some people, our lives were decided for us long ago, during the bygone days of childhood, and there is no salve to remedy those wounds.
As time has marched on, I have lost everything. It's been 6 years now of living with chronic fatigue and basically becoming a walking zombie with impaired cognitive abilities and permanent heaviness all over my body. When you lose your mind, your ability to escape from the horrors life throws at you rapidly disintegrates. I have had to watch the majority of my family members die, childhood friends abandon me as if years of friendship meant nothing, I've lost many skills and talents that I never got a chance to hone because I was so young when I started having issues with learning, memory, attention, etc, and I've experienced nothing but gaslighting or, "that sucks, not my problem!" from others.
The one thing that solidified my transition into adulthood for me was that everything I knew started to wither and die. While others are perky, full of life, and boundless energy, eager to go have grand adventures and savor their newfound freedom, I was being groomed by a man in his late twenties when I was 17, and working a low wage food service job which killed my body and where I was slung constant insults by others because I'm autistic. While others were out partying with friends or studying, I got to spend the months after my 18th birthday watching my grandfather who raised me die slowly and painfully in a horrible way which scarred me mentally.
I know I can't function in the world, and aging has been a painful reminder of that. I have been through too much sexual abuse, too much emotional and mental abuse, and on top of that have witnessed so many horrific and life changing things that can never be recovered from. Even right now, I am watching the last family member I have, my grandmother, succumb to illness. I've spent every night the past few weeks crying because she's brushed close to death and I've had to watch her have episodes that have nearly landed her in the hospital, and I have to leave her in a few days to finish my worthless degree.
All I receive from continuing to live is more pain and eventual destitution, since I cannot hold a job, and have no one to care for me. I think many people truly believe that everyone can cope with constant sorrow and loss, because there is always some compensatory mechanism in which you will eventually gain something of equivalent value to fill the void left by the absence of what is no more. My youth is gone, lost to time and utterly wasted, and I can never get it back. Likewise, there is no bright future to look forward to, only more and more decay.
Yet, that could not be further from the truth in my experience. I've lost everything, and gained nothing. I will never marry, have children, or build a career. Neither will I ever have a skill that I can become talented in, and none of this is me being defeatist, but a raw, realistic assessment of my current situation now that I have been impaired by health problems for many years that there is no cure or treatment for, as well as being autistic and suffering from complex PTSD.
I really am just living on borrowed time, waiting for death, and I wish I would have the courage to just do it myself because I can't bear with the soul crushing despair of yet another impending loss. Why can't it all just be over. I don't want to be stuck on this slope of slow decline anymore, simply waiting for the inevitable- homelessness and destitution.
Even as a teenager, I knew I was living on borrowed time. When I'd hear my family fighting, screaming, and insulting each other, and I was powerless to do anything except rot alone in my room, I'd tell myself I didn't want to live to see my 15th birthday. Then, the day came and passed, and I pondered the matter some more, to which I concluded that I definitely did not want to still be around at age 16. This repeated every year, until lo and behold, I'm 23 and somehow still stuck on this fucking rock, unable to commit that final act that would free me from all of this suffering.
Yet, I am so painfully aware of how much all of this has aged me. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of a thousand burdens on my shoulders, after all I've been through, and the losses and pain that have accumulated over time have made me feel more akin to a withered old man waiting for the end of a tumultuous journey rather than a young adult woman who is constantly told by unassuming strangers that they should be full of life and raring to go for 5 or 6 more decades.
Multiple attempts to live were fruitless, and after one too many times of getting one's hopes up that x problem can be fixed, only to be met with no solutions, I came to the rational conclusion that I don't want to fight a losing battle anymore. Especially as my situation WILL deteriorate with time, and it already has, but people have some sort of wool over their eyes, some impenetrable sense of disbelief, since they think the 20s are a magical time full of freedom and choice (perhaps if you are healthy and neurotypical with loads of resources.) For some people, our lives were decided for us long ago, during the bygone days of childhood, and there is no salve to remedy those wounds.
As time has marched on, I have lost everything. It's been 6 years now of living with chronic fatigue and basically becoming a walking zombie with impaired cognitive abilities and permanent heaviness all over my body. When you lose your mind, your ability to escape from the horrors life throws at you rapidly disintegrates. I have had to watch the majority of my family members die, childhood friends abandon me as if years of friendship meant nothing, I've lost many skills and talents that I never got a chance to hone because I was so young when I started having issues with learning, memory, attention, etc, and I've experienced nothing but gaslighting or, "that sucks, not my problem!" from others.
The one thing that solidified my transition into adulthood for me was that everything I knew started to wither and die. While others are perky, full of life, and boundless energy, eager to go have grand adventures and savor their newfound freedom, I was being groomed by a man in his late twenties when I was 17, and working a low wage food service job which killed my body and where I was slung constant insults by others because I'm autistic. While others were out partying with friends or studying, I got to spend the months after my 18th birthday watching my grandfather who raised me die slowly and painfully in a horrible way which scarred me mentally.
I know I can't function in the world, and aging has been a painful reminder of that. I have been through too much sexual abuse, too much emotional and mental abuse, and on top of that have witnessed so many horrific and life changing things that can never be recovered from. Even right now, I am watching the last family member I have, my grandmother, succumb to illness. I've spent every night the past few weeks crying because she's brushed close to death and I've had to watch her have episodes that have nearly landed her in the hospital, and I have to leave her in a few days to finish my worthless degree.
All I receive from continuing to live is more pain and eventual destitution, since I cannot hold a job, and have no one to care for me. I think many people truly believe that everyone can cope with constant sorrow and loss, because there is always some compensatory mechanism in which you will eventually gain something of equivalent value to fill the void left by the absence of what is no more. My youth is gone, lost to time and utterly wasted, and I can never get it back. Likewise, there is no bright future to look forward to, only more and more decay.
Yet, that could not be further from the truth in my experience. I've lost everything, and gained nothing. I will never marry, have children, or build a career. Neither will I ever have a skill that I can become talented in, and none of this is me being defeatist, but a raw, realistic assessment of my current situation now that I have been impaired by health problems for many years that there is no cure or treatment for, as well as being autistic and suffering from complex PTSD.
I really am just living on borrowed time, waiting for death, and I wish I would have the courage to just do it myself because I can't bear with the soul crushing despair of yet another impending loss. Why can't it all just be over. I don't want to be stuck on this slope of slow decline anymore, simply waiting for the inevitable- homelessness and destitution.
Last edited:
