Imaginos
Full-time layabout
- Apr 7, 2018
- 638
Personally speaking, the only good thing about my past was that the novelty attached to escapism was much higher than it is now. Having a shred of blissful ignorance about the world is something that's long lost to me as well. Age, anhedonia, and general overexposure, have all done their part in largely destroying such things. In my case, I was mentally ill from a very young age and could never socialize properly with other children. I was pretty lucky in that I was never bullied (except for by my brother), but that didn't stop me from suffering intense anxiety/alienation, which eventually led to a nervous breakdown that put into motion my eventual dropping out of school, and just society altogether. My family life has always been rife with chaos, financial insecurity, or corrosively morbid stagnancy (not going anywhere, not doing anything, not having any kind of future to look forward to, et cetera).
When I think back on my past, I can only cringe at how mind numbingly awful it all was. Even as I sit here, I'm hard pressed to think of one good memory I have of the past, that isn't just how much better consuming media was back then. I enjoyed a couple nice holidays here and there (like Halloween, Christmas, Birthdays, et cetera), but that's about it. Right up until now, 99.9% of my memories are of my parents fighting with each other and suffering through a completely loveless marriage, being isolated and totally out of touch with life, all the pain and struggling just to tread water financially and barely get by, all the physical abuse/neglect from my dad and the sometimes vicious emotional abuse from my mom, all the catastrophes, cringey moments, disappointments, and just sheer crushing emptiness.
Honestly, I can't really wrap my head around how other people have actually had good lives with many memories that they cherish, or that they even still lead good lives now. Even if they're not doing so well right now, a lot of people who are depressed/suicidal tend to have good memories/experiences to look back on, but that's equally inconceivable for me. My life has literally been a complete pile of shit right up until this very moment, and the future is looking no different. If anything, it's looking much, much, much worse. When it comes right down to it, I'm the kind of person who really should never have been born x1000 of most other people, since what I've gotten from being alive hasn't even amounted to even the slightest residue of anything good.
The only silver lining to my existence is that I don't have to participate in society and am free to literally sleep 24/7 if I want to, but that's hardly much a fulfilling/enriching existence. Most people are ready to kill themselves after just 1.5 years of covid, yet I've been in a personal lockdown for going on 15 years. Most would regard my existence as being as equally nightmarish as it is pathetic, and to that I can only really shrug and say "yeah, fair enough, because it basically is". With the way things are, I can expect to spend the rest of my "life", for what little that amounts to, stuck in the exact same predicament. It's really unfair that there are some people, like me, who are just programmed to be dissatisfied and, on top of this, completely fucked over with a neverending series of unfortunate events, but, then again, maybe I'm a worthless loser too weak to make his life better, I don't know.
When I think back on my past, I can only cringe at how mind numbingly awful it all was. Even as I sit here, I'm hard pressed to think of one good memory I have of the past, that isn't just how much better consuming media was back then. I enjoyed a couple nice holidays here and there (like Halloween, Christmas, Birthdays, et cetera), but that's about it. Right up until now, 99.9% of my memories are of my parents fighting with each other and suffering through a completely loveless marriage, being isolated and totally out of touch with life, all the pain and struggling just to tread water financially and barely get by, all the physical abuse/neglect from my dad and the sometimes vicious emotional abuse from my mom, all the catastrophes, cringey moments, disappointments, and just sheer crushing emptiness.
Honestly, I can't really wrap my head around how other people have actually had good lives with many memories that they cherish, or that they even still lead good lives now. Even if they're not doing so well right now, a lot of people who are depressed/suicidal tend to have good memories/experiences to look back on, but that's equally inconceivable for me. My life has literally been a complete pile of shit right up until this very moment, and the future is looking no different. If anything, it's looking much, much, much worse. When it comes right down to it, I'm the kind of person who really should never have been born x1000 of most other people, since what I've gotten from being alive hasn't even amounted to even the slightest residue of anything good.
The only silver lining to my existence is that I don't have to participate in society and am free to literally sleep 24/7 if I want to, but that's hardly much a fulfilling/enriching existence. Most people are ready to kill themselves after just 1.5 years of covid, yet I've been in a personal lockdown for going on 15 years. Most would regard my existence as being as equally nightmarish as it is pathetic, and to that I can only really shrug and say "yeah, fair enough, because it basically is". With the way things are, I can expect to spend the rest of my "life", for what little that amounts to, stuck in the exact same predicament. It's really unfair that there are some people, like me, who are just programmed to be dissatisfied and, on top of this, completely fucked over with a neverending series of unfortunate events, but, then again, maybe I'm a worthless loser too weak to make his life better, I don't know.
