Was there a single event that changed your life?

[noname223]

My life was already destroyed when I was a child. My mom abused me since the age of 5. I think I showed the first signs of mental illness at the age 5-6. In primary school I cried very single day. And my teachers considered my mom a saint. But I think many people could have intervened. They looked away.
So it is not really a single moment that changed my life. But there cetainly were two life changing events. My two psychotic episodes. And when the next one happnes I probably/ might kill myself. At least I have tried to prepare myself for it.

I think the most life changing thing was my first psychosis. It is true I already was suicidal for several years before my psychosis happened. But noone knew. I was so alone with it. I cannot really say how I could do this. For me now it seems almsot impossible. For example writing in this forum helps me a lot. Or when I talk with close friends about it. I think my coping mechanisms were very bad. Studying for school every day more than 10 hours. My mom always hit me for not being eager enough as a child and teenager. This really shaped me. Though later she also hit me for studying too much. I was manic as a teenager. It started 3 years before my first psychosis. I did not know what a mania was. I was not self-aware. This manic epsiode lead to extreme exhaustion. I spent more and more time on studying for school. The amount of time was ridiculous. I hated my life but I was too obsessed in order to stop it. All my behavior was very pathological.

I felt very ashamed after my first psychosis. And I could not explain myself why it happened. It was so insane. Before my psychosis I thought I had a great career ahead of me. But instead I felt extremely suicidal and hopeless. I realized I was mentally ill. And it is a very stigmatized one. It was very hard to carry. After the psychosis I was extremely depressed for almost a year. With extremely severe psychosomatic pain.


But the depression ended with another manic epsiode which my incompetent therapists did not diagnose. The game just re-started. I thought I was healed forever. Deep inside I had the feeling there was still something off. But my willingness to face the truth was not there. My manai felt amazing. I was hypomanic for 1 year. It was the greatest time of my life. Though my manias always end with a psychosis. And after the psychosis I got extremely suicidal and had to endure unimaginable psychosomatic pain. It is not worth it. After my second psychosis I understood what happened. I understood I was manic. And that this is often a chronic condition. This was the moment I realized my life will probably end with my suicide. I cannot endure more psychotic episodes. I think my suicidality has an inner logic. I get more and more serious concerning suicide the more major depressive episodes will happen. Also my plans to kill myself get more and more concrete.

After my second psychosis I tried to play it save. Invested a lot of energy in order not to get manic again. Being manic feels amazing but it has deadly consequences. I was very depressive for more than 2,5 years after my second psychosis. It was very painful. Taking medication has helped to reduce the pain. I think I have way way more education about my illness now. Which is really important. Because my conditions more or less want to drive me into self-destruction. I have many hurtful pathological behavior. I am kind of proud how self-aware I am. But sometimes I over-analyze situations. My therapist was really impressed by my ability to assess situations and my illness. Though it does not really change that my problems are not really solved. I will probably commit suicide in the future. I cannot change the fact I am probably unable to get a stable income. And often my illness proceeds in cycles. I think in the future I will have to pay the price for my current (somewhat) stability. I think this will lead to a new manic/psychotic epsiode.

To sum it up. After my first psychosis I realized I am severely mentally ill, I was abused, I admitted suicidal thoughts, had to endure severe trauamatizing pain.

After my second psychosis I realized my life will probably end with my suicide. That there is probably no escape for me. That the game is rigged against me and that the game was rigged right from the start. Moreover extreme pain once again for a long time.

 

[FuneralCry]

The thing that I fear is something really awful happening and making my life much worse. It's horrifying how a single event can impact peoples lives so much, and make them suffer so much more. Life is unpredictable and uncertain and we don't know what is waiting for us in the future if we stay alive. I really don't like the sound of life changing events, anyone can end up in the worst pain possible and it's terrifying how there is no limit as to how much we can suffer. This is why non existence is always preferable to living, the dead cannot suffer, only the living can. Dying would remove the cause of my pain, which is life itself. I wouldn't say that a single event has hugely impacted my life, but I really hope that one doesn't.

 

[Rational man]

I became profoundly familiar with your story sometime ago. What struck me is the intensity of your pain, overwhelming to the point of manifesting into other forms.of pain. Yours like so many others is a truly shocking story. I only wish that the perpetrator of abuse is held to account in the law courts!. But we know it rarely happens. Abusers ruin lives. Narcissistic parents are liars.They destroyed mine, though i salvaged some happiness. Im sorry that we cannot choose our parents, many of us have been handed a bad situation. We've done nothing wrong. It makes me angry that someone as intelligent as you has been subjected to this horror. I wish i could protect you. Despite this, know that we love you here for sharing your sensitivity. You need to be loved because you are ve ry capable of love, something that you had little of as a younger person. Take care.❤❤

 

[noname223]

I became profoundly familiar with your story sometime ago. What struck me is the intensity of your pain, overwhelming to the point of manifesting into other forms.of pain. Yours like so many others is a truly shocking story. I only wish that the perpetrator of abuse is held to account in the law courts!. But we know it rarely happens. Abusers ruin lives. They destroyed mine, though i salvaged some happiness. Im sorry that we cannot choose our parents, many of us have been handed a bad situation. We've done nothing wrong. It makes me angry that someone as intelligent as you has been subjected to this horror. I wish i could protect you. Despite this, know that we love you here for sharing your sensitivity. You need to be loved because you are ve ry capable of love, something that you had little of as a younger person. Take care.❤❤

Thank you very much @Rational man ! These swords really mean much to me. I know you are also going through a lot. The intense pain you describe sounds also very horrifying. It must be pretty hard not being able to change your illness. Feeling powerless can make you feel very desperate. At least this is what I imagine.

I wish I could help you more. Life can be so cruel and unfair. You made me smile for sure with your reply. Thank you very much!

Sending a lot of love!

 

[Lily (Osako)]

The only memory I have of my parents and I in the same room as a family was when I was around 4 yo. They were choking each other, trying to kill one another. I was in the rocking chair screaming for them to stop.
My dad died of pancreatic cancer in my arms.
I spent 30 years in a mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive marriage. After giving up my life to follow him around the world in the military, he retired, divorced me, married the woman he was having an affair with all in less than a year.
I was left with nothing.
I had also just been diagnosed with a terminal autoimmune disease. He left me when I needed him most.
None of which seems like life altering/ending reasons. But the effect they've had on me on top of my illness has left me depleted and just done with life.
I no longer feel sorry for myself.
I recognize the bigger episodes in my life that have made me who and what I am today. I can now acknowledge them from the outside and understand why I am where I am.

 

[Rational man]

The only memory I have of my parents and I in the same room as a family was when I was around 4 yo. They were choking each other, trying to kill one another. I was in the rocking chair screaming for them to stop.
My dad died of pancreatic cancer in my arms.
I spent 30 years in a mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive marriage. After giving up my life to follow him around the world in the military, he retired, divorced me, married the woman he was having an affair with all in less than a year.
I was left with nothing.
I had also just been diagnosed with a terminal autoimmune disease. He left me when I needed him most.
None of which seems like life altering/ending reasons. But the effect they've had on me on top of my illness has left me depleted and just done with life.
I no longer feel sorry for myself.
I recognize the bigger episodes in my life that have made me who and what I am today. I can now acknowledge them from the outside and understand why I am where I am.

its horrifyingly awful, what you've been through. I often wonder if my autoimmune disease was linked to childhood. I was always stressed later in life. Perhaps my body became depleted. I wish you peace❤

 

[Lily (Osako)]

its horrifyingly awful, what you've been through. I often wonder if my autoimmune disease was linked to childhood. I was always stressed later in life. Perhaps my body became depleted. I wish you peace❤

Thank you.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with health issues, too.
Wishing you peace and comfort.

 

[western_heart]

one day after school in 1997, my dad hurt me, it wasn't the only time but it was the one that broke me. I started dissociating, I have never been the same since. I am diagnosed with (c)PTSD and I think I have DID.

 

[Astronauta]

Sim, infelizmente! Minha vida era normal, sem nada muito extraordinário. Mas tudo corria muito bem ....até o fatídico dia...
Não minha ouvi bem intuição.
Pensado que está fazendo a "coisa certa"...
E hj isso é o motivo do ctb.
Fico pensando em como minha vida poderia ter sido diferente!

Sinto Tanto!

 

[Astronauta]

um dia depois da escola em 1997, meu pai me machucou, não foi a única vez, mas foi a que me quebrou. Comecei a me dissociar, nunca mais fui a mesma desde então. Sou diagnosticado com (c)TEPT e acho que tenho TID.

Sinto muito por isso! Ninguém deveria passar por isso!

O que eu temo é que algo realmente terrível esteja acontecendo e tornando minha vida muito pior. É horrível como um único evento pode impactar tanto a vida das pessoas e fazê-las sofrer muito mais. A vida é imprevisível e incerta e não sabemos o que nos espera no futuro se continuarmos vivos. Eu realmente não gosto do som de eventos que mudam a vida, qualquer um pode acabar com a pior dor possível e é aterrorizante como não há limite para o quanto podemos sofrer. É por isso que a não existência é sempre preferível à vida, os mortos não podem sofrer, só os vivos podem. Morrer removeria a causa da minha dor, que é a própria vida. Eu não diria que um único evento teve um impacto enorme na minha vida, mas eu realmente espero que isso não aconteça.

É triste como a vida pode ser uma coleção de acontecimentos trágicos.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

My first experience with extreme depression… Basically fried my brain just before graduating from college… The years that followed were a haze of of confusion and wandering… Which led to anti-depressants which allowed me to be marginally more functional But masked deeper problems… It's unfortunate when you're psychologically fragile… Everything becomes a lot more difficult… Feels like dragging around a bag of boulders

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's terrible that your Mum abused you. That people never saw it too must have been incredibly lonely. It must be hard to trust anyone when you are let down so badly when so young.

My Mum died when I was 3. Think that was the first big turning point for me. My Grandma and Grandpa then took over my upbringing (although, my Grandpa died a year later). I was lucky that my Grandma was very loving and things were actually OK until my Dad remarried when I was 10, my Nana died (my Mum's Mum) and I had just awful problems with a step sibling. That was the first time I contemplated suicide and the idea/appeal has never left me.

 

[again_noidea]

My life was difficult from birth on, but the event that changed everything was an accident where i "broke!" my knee, followed by a botched surgery. I was 18 at the time. I have a hard time walking and standing, i can't run or do physical labor for more than an hour. That is not so bad, but the thing is, that i'm a very outdoorsy person and i really like to work physically and i always had a great thirst for adventures. In hindsight, it is this event that broke me, but it also taught me a lot about myself and the world. But it seems to me that the consequences of that accident (and the 8 operation that followed over the years) hindered me to build a life for myself. Of course, it was compounded with my miserable childhood and dysfunctioning "family" But who knows, maybe i would have failed in building a life even without that event. Human lives are fragile things...

 

[Leech]

I can imagine you felt very lonely and helpless while going through that as a child, and then your subsequent psychoses. I definitely did feel that way through what I went to, that being witnessed by many but no one doing anything about this.

I was always subject to judgment and comments on my body from my family but it's something that I kind of just coped with. Things didn't really start to go very bad until I was 14. My school friend had an adult friend he made through Smash Melee tournaments. Him and I started speaking over Skype and eventually dating just before my 15th birthday. He was 21. The first month was very perfect, but after that he became progressively more abusive and possessive. I wasn't allowed to have male friends, he'd search through my phone daily, he'd make comments about me, sexually abuse me, threaten me, start hitting himself any time I called him out or tried to break up with him. This went on for two years. Over that two years, I gained a lot of weight which made the comments from my family worse. But what felt even worse, was that no one intervened. So many people knew that this adult fucking man was involved with a 15 year old child. Teachers, my parents, extended family, friends, friends parents, he would literally grope me inappropriately in public it wasn't a secret. No one did anything. Years later now, my mom says how she wished she ran him over but she literally didn't have to do that all she had to do was go to the fucking police down the block. So anyways, the abuse I suffered in that relationship made me very unstable for many years, and I constantly had nightmares and dayterrors about him. I was afraid everywhere I'd go that he would be there. I still freeze up any time I see someone who looks even vaguely like him. He is the source of a lot of my mental illness now. I used to be a straight A student and the sickness that stemmed from us being together had me barely scraping at C+'s by the end of high school. My whole life I wanted to be a psychiatrist so after high school I went into pre-med, ended up dropping out. I couldn't handle anything anymore, I just wanted to lay in my bed forever and die. Now, I wish I had stuck through because I would have been nearly finished med school now but I know I wouldn't have been able to. He ruined me.

So basically yeah, I'd call that the single event that changed my life.

 

[Tiger]

My life was already destroyed when I was a child. My mom abused me since the age of 5. I think I showed the first signs of mental illness at the age 5-6. In primary school I cried very single day. And my teachers considered my mom a saint. But I think many people could have intervened. They looked away.
So it is not really a single moment that changed my life. But there cetainly were two life changing events. My two psychotic episodes. And when the next one happnes I probably/ might kill myself. At least I have tried to prepare myself for it.

I think the most life changing thing was my first psychosis. It is true I already was suicidal for several years before my psychosis happened. But noone knew. I was so alone with it. I cannot really say how I could do this. For me now it seems almsot impossible. For example writing in this forum helps me a lot. Or when I talk with close friends about it. I think my coping mechanisms were very bad. Studying for school every day more than 10 hours. My mom always hit me for not being eager enough as a child and teenager. This really shaped me. Though later she also hit me for studying too much. I was manic as a teenager. It started 3 years before my first psychosis. I did not know what a mania was. I was not self-aware. This manic epsiode lead to extreme exhaustion. I spent more and more time on studying for school. The amount of time was ridiculous. I hated my life but I was too obsessed in order to stop it. All my behavior was very pathological.

I felt very ashamed after my first psychosis. And I could not explain myself why it happened. It was so insane. Before my psychosis I thought I had a great career ahead of me. But instead I felt extremely suicidal and hopeless. I realized I was mentally ill. And it is a very stigmatized one. It was very hard to carry. After the psychosis I was extremely depressed for almost a year. With extremely severe psychosomatic pain.


But the depression ended with another manic epsiode which my incompetent therapists did not diagnose. The game just re-started. I thought I was healed forever. Deep inside I had the feeling there was still something off. But my willingness to face the truth was not there. My manai felt amazing. I was hypomanic for 1 year. It was the greatest time of my life. Though my manias always end with a psychosis. And after the psychosis I got extremely suicidal and had to endure unimaginable psychosomatic pain. It is not worth it. After my second psychosis I understood what happened. I understood I was manic. And that this is often a chronic condition. This was the moment I realized my life will probably end with my suicide. I cannot endure more psychotic episodes. I think my suicidality has an inner logic. I get more and more serious concerning suicide the more major depressive episodes will happen. Also my plans to kill myself get more and more concrete.

After my second psychosis I tried to play it save. Invested a lot of energy in order not to get manic again. Being manic feels amazing but it has deadly consequences. I was very depressive for more than 2,5 years after my second psychosis. It was very painful. Taking medication has helped to reduce the pain. I think I have way way more education about my illness now. Which is really important. Because my conditions more or less want to drive me into self-destruction. I have many hurtful pathological behavior. I am kind of proud how self-aware I am. But sometimes I over-analyze situations. My therapist was really impressed by my ability to assess situations and my illness. Though it does not really change that my problems are not really solved. I will probably commit suicide in the future. I cannot change the fact I am probably unable to get a stable income. And often my illness proceeds in cycles. I think in the future I will have to pay the price for my current (somewhat) stability. I think this will lead to a new manic/psychotic epsiode.

To sum it up. After my first psychosis I realized I am severely mentally ill, I was abused, I admitted suicidal thoughts, had to endure severe trauamatizing pain.

After my second psychosis I realized my life will probably end with my suicide. That there is probably no escape for me. That the game is rigged against me and that the game was rigged right from the start. Moreover extreme pain once again for a long time.

AS someone who suffers from bipolar 2 i can relate so much to you. but small difference is i have decided to leave little early ( 11 days from now i will take SN and end it all ). my medicines make me every weak the medicine used to control manic episode also limits my cerebral activity which in turn effect my ability to think logically. i have severe hand tremors and i cant even hold my phone without shaking it. people see me as freeloader without realizing how many jobs either i was kicked out from or i had to leave because i could not meet their basic expectations. now i have to end all before something of me still left in me, i can't continue living life life like this. only thing i pray now is to give my mom strength to bear the news knowing that when time comes will i have the strength to tell my mom i will be back and leave home and never come back the thought of my mom waiting for me thinking i will come back is so frightening. she was my angel she did everything she could keep happy and alive, now that i'm failing her. it's not easy for me it either but i got to do what i need to do. what they have to realize is this disease is eating me alive. thanks for giving me opportunity to express my feelings. i wish you good my friend.

 

[blueclover_.]

My dad's long-ago acciddent.

My life was perfect up until 7th grade when my dad changed his behavior to be abusive due to him getting severe headaches from an accident that happened in his youth. He used to be the kindest person ever until he started getting violent because of the headaches. Literally my life turned upside down. I began feeling depressed around 7th grade, and my rock bottom was in 8th grade. If my ex gf wasn't there, i would've ctb'ed a long time ago. But now i'm cured, sorta, thanks to her. It's still not perfect right now, but it's much better than how it felt years ago. This site truly brings me comfort and i feel for the people who have been going through the same.

 

[ojinzo]

My life was already destroyed when I was a child. My mom abused me since the age of 5. I think I showed the first signs of mental illness at the age 5-6. In primary school I cried very single day. And my teachers considered my mom a saint. But I think many people could have intervened. They looked away.
So it is not really a single moment that changed my life. But there cetainly were two life changing events. My two psychotic episodes. And when the next one happnes I probably/ might kill myself. At least I have tried to prepare myself for it.

I think the most life changing thing was my first psychosis. It is true I already was suicidal for several years before my psychosis happened. But noone knew. I was so alone with it. I cannot really say how I could do this. For me now it seems almsot impossible. For example writing in this forum helps me a lot. Or when I talk with close friends about it. I think my coping mechanisms were very bad. Studying for school every day more than 10 hours. My mom always hit me for not being eager enough as a child and teenager. This really shaped me. Though later she also hit me for studying too much. I was manic as a teenager. It started 3 years before my first psychosis. I did not know what a mania was. I was not self-aware. This manic epsiode lead to extreme exhaustion. I spent more and more time on studying for school. The amount of time was ridiculous. I hated my life but I was too obsessed in order to stop it. All my behavior was very pathological.

I felt very ashamed after my first psychosis. And I could not explain myself why it happened. It was so insane. Before my psychosis I thought I had a great career ahead of me. But instead I felt extremely suicidal and hopeless. I realized I was mentally ill. And it is a very stigmatized one. It was very hard to carry. After the psychosis I was extremely depressed for almost a year. With extremely severe psychosomatic pain.


But the depression ended with another manic epsiode which my incompetent therapists did not diagnose. The game just re-started. I thought I was healed forever. Deep inside I had the feeling there was still something off. But my willingness to face the truth was not there. My manai felt amazing. I was hypomanic for 1 year. It was the greatest time of my life. Though my manias always end with a psychosis. And after the psychosis I got extremely suicidal and had to endure unimaginable psychosomatic pain. It is not worth it. After my second psychosis I understood what happened. I understood I was manic. And that this is often a chronic condition. This was the moment I realized my life will probably end with my suicide. I cannot endure more psychotic episodes. I think my suicidality has an inner logic. I get more and more serious concerning suicide the more major depressive episodes will happen. Also my plans to kill myself get more and more concrete.

After my second psychosis I tried to play it save. Invested a lot of energy in order not to get manic again. Being manic feels amazing but it has deadly consequences. I was very depressive for more than 2,5 years after my second psychosis. It was very painful. Taking medication has helped to reduce the pain. I think I have way way more education about my illness now. Which is really important. Because my conditions more or less want to drive me into self-destruction. I have many hurtful pathological behavior. I am kind of proud how self-aware I am. But sometimes I over-analyze situations. My therapist was really impressed by my ability to assess situations and my illness. Though it does not really change that my problems are not really solved. I will probably commit suicide in the future. I cannot change the fact I am probably unable to get a stable income. And often my illness proceeds in cycles. I think in the future I will have to pay the price for my current (somewhat) stability. I think this will lead to a new manic/psychotic epsiode.

To sum it up. After my first psychosis I realized I am severely mentally ill, I was abused, I admitted suicidal thoughts, had to endure severe trauamatizing pain.

After my second psychosis I realized my life will probably end with my suicide. That there is probably no escape for me. That the game is rigged against me and that the game was rigged right from the start. Moreover extreme pain once again for a long time.

Becoming homeless. It broke me and changed me mentally. Homeless shelters in the USA are havens for criminals. Every since, I've never been the same. Now, I live on my own, with roommates, but my life will never ever be the same after that experience.

 

[nys]

I don't think it was just one event that changed my life and made me want to ctb. It was more of a combination of a lot of things- mostly it was that I was abused as a child, but the general state of the world and my unique philosophy for life also probably played a part in me getting to this point

 

[Brianiskillingme]

Losing my husband in 2015 was the biggest hit I have taken. Then came along Brian who was a narcissist. He sent me further downward. I developed PTSD, MDD and was already cursed with BPD. I have one suicide attempt, one hospitalization on my resume. I have my SN but am waiting for that final tipping point to finally do it.

 

[Zeus35]

When I learnt how to masterbate. That was a game changer in a good way

 

[dabestrn]

No! Definitely no single event. Mostly a combination of extremely rough/poor upbringing and bad genetics. Started experiencing depression in my early teens, first attempt at 16. Now, several decades later, it's only worsened with a long series of bad life events. Very cumulative!

 

[TheManIllNeverBe]

My life was already destroyed when I was a child. My mom abused me since the age of 5. I think I showed the first signs of mental illness at the age 5-6. In primary school I cried very single day. And my teachers considered my mom a saint. But I think many people could have intervened. They looked away.
So it is not really a single moment that changed my life. But there cetainly were two life changing events. My two psychotic episodes. And when the next one happnes I probably/ might kill myself. At least I have tried to prepare myself for it.

I think the most life changing thing was my first psychosis. It is true I already was suicidal for several years before my psychosis happened. But noone knew. I was so alone with it. I cannot really say how I could do this. For me now it seems almsot impossible. For example writing in this forum helps me a lot. Or when I talk with close friends about it. I think my coping mechanisms were very bad. Studying for school every day more than 10 hours. My mom always hit me for not being eager enough as a child and teenager. This really shaped me. Though later she also hit me for studying too much. I was manic as a teenager. It started 3 years before my first psychosis. I did not know what a mania was. I was not self-aware. This manic epsiode lead to extreme exhaustion. I spent more and more time on studying for school. The amount of time was ridiculous. I hated my life but I was too obsessed in order to stop it. All my behavior was very pathological.

I felt very ashamed after my first psychosis. And I could not explain myself why it happened. It was so insane. Before my psychosis I thought I had a great career ahead of me. But instead I felt extremely suicidal and hopeless. I realized I was mentally ill. And it is a very stigmatized one. It was very hard to carry. After the psychosis I was extremely depressed for almost a year. With extremely severe psychosomatic pain.


But the depression ended with another manic epsiode which my incompetent therapists did not diagnose. The game just re-started. I thought I was healed forever. Deep inside I had the feeling there was still something off. But my willingness to face the truth was not there. My manai felt amazing. I was hypomanic for 1 year. It was the greatest time of my life. Though my manias always end with a psychosis. And after the psychosis I got extremely suicidal and had to endure unimaginable psychosomatic pain. It is not worth it. After my second psychosis I understood what happened. I understood I was manic. And that this is often a chronic condition. This was the moment I realized my life will probably end with my suicide. I cannot endure more psychotic episodes. I think my suicidality has an inner logic. I get more and more serious concerning suicide the more major depressive episodes will happen. Also my plans to kill myself get more and more concrete.

After my second psychosis I tried to play it save. Invested a lot of energy in order not to get manic again. Being manic feels amazing but it has deadly consequences. I was very depressive for more than 2,5 years after my second psychosis. It was very painful. Taking medication has helped to reduce the pain. I think I have way way more education about my illness now. Which is really important. Because my conditions more or less want to drive me into self-destruction. I have many hurtful pathological behavior. I am kind of proud how self-aware I am. But sometimes I over-analyze situations. My therapist was really impressed by my ability to assess situations and my illness. Though it does not really change that my problems are not really solved. I will probably commit suicide in the future. I cannot change the fact I am probably unable to get a stable income. And often my illness proceeds in cycles. I think in the future I will have to pay the price for my current (somewhat) stability. I think this will lead to a new manic/psychotic epsiode.

To sum it up. After my first psychosis I realized I am severely mentally ill, I was abused, I admitted suicidal thoughts, had to endure severe trauamatizing pain.

After my second psychosis I realized my life will probably end with my suicide. That there is probably no escape for me. That the game is rigged against me and that the game was rigged right from the start. Moreover extreme pain once again for a long time.

I was in a serious car accident a little over 10 years ago that resulted in a traumatic brain injury. I already had issues with anxiety and depression stemming from childhood abuse before this, but the accident and TBI kicked it into overdrive. Hit from behind by a pickup truck at 60mph while I was stopped waiting to make a left turn, then pushed into oncoming traffic and hit again in the driver-side door at 60. My anxiety and depression went crazy after the accident, and I was diagnosed with PTSD among other things as well, so I saw a series of psychiatrists after this and got put on an ever increasing series of stronger and stronger psychiatric meds. Ended up losing my job because I couldn't think clearly (from the meds or the TBI, I don't really know), and spent years trying to get back to where I was before. Still not there. Nowhere close in fact. Which is probably how I found my way to this forum. My first post here, BTW.

 

[atonofdespair24]

When I read all of yours, I feel like a bitch to put it bluntly.

My heart goes out to all of you, I don't think I've been through anything remotely close to some of the replies in here.

A switch just kind of flipped when I was in 10th grade or so, I was a lonely kid even though I had a good amount of friends and support. I didn't get a ton of affection from mom and dad since they worked so much. I always felt like I was trying to fill a hole from this time on. With sex, a little bit of dr*gs, and media consumption.

I honestly don't think life is for me, simple. Nothing makes me happy, the things that did are gone or out of reach.

 

[Poor Stargazer]

Iraq, 2003. I got myself into that mess with the best of intentions

 

[Mountaingirl]

Yes, it was April 14 this year, when I had a bad pain in my stomach and went to see the doctor. He immediately knew there's something badly wrong

 

[y'ffre]

Being hospitalized for my suicidal tendencies. Staying there with some psychotic patients trying many useless meds and having 7 sessions of ECT. It was a remarkable experience probably I won't forget for the rest of my life.
But all the experience wasn't bad it was fun I am glad to have had that kind of experience!