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AnyWonderBR

Member
Mar 22, 2024
30
I have been in therapy since I was three years old. I remember being in a room, a living room, the Hall, an apartment, where I sort of just stood still, and looked around in my environment...and all of it was just wrong. An ontological incompatibly, with an axiom, whose sole premise is pain and suffering.

But that's not why I was made to go to therapy. From birth until roughly the age of 20 I have had many traumas. I have been molested and raped. I have been subject to horrific amounts of poverty. I have gone nights and days starving, unable to eat. I would be beaten, emotionally and psychologically tortured, and I would endure all of this in a chaotic neighborhood.

School wasn't any better when I was young. I was bullied and beaten at school for being me I suppose. Not sure what I did wrong. I was also abused by teachers. One of my earliest memories, in Kindergarten, was hiding in a cabinet like structure, nails inside, sharp and painful. Still, it was preferable to being in a classroom.

Abuse isn't special, evil is redundant, so as a result I ended up being in much the same abuses until after high school. Still poor and dejected.

Therapy throughout this period was terrible. Up until my current therapist (who I am thankful for), not a single therapist or psychiatrist was willing to acknowledge the environment I was in...it was if being molested, and covered in my own feces and blood and urine was my fault. That it was all in my head... cognitive distortions. Medications given, nothing more than chemical straightjackets.

I was diagoned as autistic...I am not. I was not diagnosed with cptsd, or even ptsd, until literally my current therapist.

I was in linguistics for Grad school, but had a change of Heart, and I thought about the fact that I like helping people more. It feels good. I feel a sort of niche, even though i still believe I don't belong here.

I would be studying for a MSW (is this the correct degree?) and I would be doing so potentially this fall. I just...have doubts about it all.

It literally wasn't until I heard about cptsd on Reddit, by chance, and that I decided to read the Body keeps the Score, by Bessel Van der Kolk. At that moment...my heart sank. For 20 years...I haven't even been alive, cognizant of what was going on. It was as if I was behind the curtains of a grand strange...to then have them open to a live audience...many.

Gabor Maté and some readings later...I finally realized what was wrong with me...but then...is it me?

Is it depression, when I can't afford to eat, struggle to pay bills, and can't feed My children?

Is it anxiety when I worry about the rape and violation of the natural world, finite resources expected to yield Infinite profits?

Is it being delusional when I worry about not being taken seriously as a rape and child molestation victim, simply because I am a man (a poor Mexican American man at that)?

Is any of this really mental illness...or is it natural reactions, to an unnatural Monster, incapable of ever being satisfied with what it has cannibalized?

I don't know. Part of me wants to, in my own small way, to make right what was made wrong, to take revenge by fighting back against gaslighting, and victim blaming mentality, that seeks to justify evil unto itself.

Part of me wonders what's the point. So many choose this evil. They worship it. They glorify it. They would give their life for it. A system that destroys and leads to suicide.

I don't know. I'm tired, I am 25 years old, a POC (Am I? I don't feel like it. Sometimes in mental health discourse I feel like a monster for simply being a man. Even if I did become a therapist, there is the awkward reality that I would be a minority, since most are mainly women here in the United States), and...just tired.

What is your advice fellow individuals of the Internet? What should I do? I don't know.

If I did become a therapist, I would be interested in modalities such as EMDR, IFS, somatic experiencing, among others. To treat trauma, to find ways of healing the environment, and to end the alienation of damnation, by a mental health and pharmaceutical industry that ultimately justifies its own pollutions...all of this I would hope to do... hopefully.
 
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Kimlett

Kimlett

Member
Jan 7, 2024
58
If you really want to help people and are interested in therapy, yeah, go for it. I think the world needs more therapists who have been through hell and can emphasize deeply with their patients and teach them about the territory. Also you can give people the kind of help you would have needed back then and make their journey less painful than yours. Yes, this may sound a bit utopical, because on the other hand you always deal with your own struggles and it may be overwhelming to handle other people's issues too. But maybe it's worth it, maybe it's the best way to make sense out of a life full of pain.
 
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B

biasedregret

Member
Feb 23, 2024
34
You could also look into social work! Government agencies do a tremendous amount of good for others, especially those tasked with administering things like SNAP, Medicaid, etc (in the US).

Being a kind and patient social worker or agency employee could be a really solid way to help others.
 
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A

AnyWonderBR

Member
Mar 22, 2024
30
You could also look into social work! Government agencies do a tremendous amount of good for others, especially those tasked with administering things like SNAP, Medicaid, etc (in the US).

Being a kind and patient social worker or agency employee could be a really solid way to help others.

I'll think about it. Feeding into a system I don't like is something I Will have to consider.
If you really want to help people and are interested in therapy, yeah, go for it. I think the world needs more therapists who have been through hell and can emphasize deeply with their patients and teach them about the territory. Also you can give people the kind of help you would have needed back then and make their journey less painful than yours. Yes, this may sound a bit utopical, because on the other hand you always deal with your own struggles and it may be overwhelming to handle other people's issues too. But maybe it's worth it, maybe it's the best way to make sense out of a life full of pain.

I'll think about it some more.
 
lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
396
it honestly sounds like youre still healing from and processing your own immense trauma issues. im not saying you cant help others, youd probably be great at it just because you want to earnestly try so much, but you need to look after yourself first and foremost to be an effective healer/assistant for others
 
A

AnyWonderBR

Member
Mar 22, 2024
30
it honestly sounds like youre still healing from and processing your own immense trauma issues. im not saying you cant help others, youd probably be great at it just because you want to earnestly try so much, but you need to look after yourself first and foremost to be an effective healer/assistant for others

Already have been. Also I don't know if You know this, but every therapist has a therapist. And many of them got in while they themselves were unwell.

If I follow you advice I'll be dead, homeless and under a bridge, because it's either that or work. CPTSD will never Go away, save for only death. I appreciate your concerns, but they aren't really helpful to my situation.
 
lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
396
Already have been. Also I don't know if You know this, but every therapist has a therapist. And many of them got in while they themselves were unwell.

If I follow you advice I'll be dead, homeless and under a bridge, because it's either that or work. CPTSD will never Go away, save for only death. I appreciate your concerns, but they aren't really helpful to my situation.
im well aware, i worked in social work, special needs and medical for a long time. if you think youre recovered enough to help others, great go do it and try to help, please. i wasnt saying dont do it but you have an obligation in that field to make sure youre safe enough to help others and your post sounded like youre struggling with your past still. if youre not, congrats
 
A

AnyWonderBR

Member
Mar 22, 2024
30
im well aware, i worked in social work, special needs and medical for a long time. if you think youre recovered enough to help others, great go do it and try to help, please. i wasnt saying dont do it but you have an obligation in that field to make sure youre safe enough to help others and your post sounded like youre struggling with your past still. if youre not, congrats

Yup, take care.
 

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