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ShatteredQueen
Member
- Jun 27, 2022
- 23
I have tried so hard to do the right thing, yet life keeps on battering me down. Now, it looks as if I may lose everything I worked so hard for... And all through no fault of my own.
After enduring sexual abuse when I was young, followed by not one but two abusive relationships, I was at my wit's end. I wasn't sure I could keep going, keep struggling forward, but I did anyway. Despite struggling with depression and autism, I fought, tooth and nail, to pull myself back up out of the soul-devouring darkness. I moved back home. I started grad school. I pushed myself hard, through hundreds of sleepless nights, and I managed to earn nearly all A's in my courses. (There was one B, which I still beat myself up about.) I did this while also working as a TA for the university and teaching undergrad classes. I planned to become a professor. I was starting to feel like I was actually getting somewhere... Like maybe, just maybe, there might be hope after all.
I've worked so hard, put everything I was into rebuilding my life. And now it is all going to be taken from me. My life is crumbling to pieces once again.
Someone has stolen my identity. I started getting phone calls from debt collectors about debts I never incurred. I filled out forms, tried desperately to figure out what to do. Tonight, I was served with legal papers. This is it, isn't it? I am going to end up in prison, which means I cannot be a college instructor now. I am only two classes--two damned classes--away from my Masters Degree. I was invited to join Honors societies, for fuck's sake--Me! A stupid autistic girl with the cards stacked against me! It doesn't matter. Everything I've worked so hard for is going to be snatched away. My new life? Gone. My self-respect? Gone. My future career? GONE. My life will be ruined, over, worthless.
I have tried so hard. I have struggled to do all the things you're supposed to do to build a decent life. But it doesn't matter. Everything is falling apart again despite my best efforts. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically, and I will be left with less than nothing to show for it. I will be left in an even worse position than before. All of my struggles have ended in misery and disaster.
I don't know why I tried. It was pointless. And so am I. I've run out of hope and out of options. There seems to be no path left open to me now except to catch the bus.
Is that what I was meant to do in the first place? Was I wrong to try to reconstruct my life into something better? Did continuing to live make me unforgivably selfish? Is that why I'm being punished this way?
After enduring sexual abuse when I was young, followed by not one but two abusive relationships, I was at my wit's end. I wasn't sure I could keep going, keep struggling forward, but I did anyway. Despite struggling with depression and autism, I fought, tooth and nail, to pull myself back up out of the soul-devouring darkness. I moved back home. I started grad school. I pushed myself hard, through hundreds of sleepless nights, and I managed to earn nearly all A's in my courses. (There was one B, which I still beat myself up about.) I did this while also working as a TA for the university and teaching undergrad classes. I planned to become a professor. I was starting to feel like I was actually getting somewhere... Like maybe, just maybe, there might be hope after all.
I've worked so hard, put everything I was into rebuilding my life. And now it is all going to be taken from me. My life is crumbling to pieces once again.
Someone has stolen my identity. I started getting phone calls from debt collectors about debts I never incurred. I filled out forms, tried desperately to figure out what to do. Tonight, I was served with legal papers. This is it, isn't it? I am going to end up in prison, which means I cannot be a college instructor now. I am only two classes--two damned classes--away from my Masters Degree. I was invited to join Honors societies, for fuck's sake--Me! A stupid autistic girl with the cards stacked against me! It doesn't matter. Everything I've worked so hard for is going to be snatched away. My new life? Gone. My self-respect? Gone. My future career? GONE. My life will be ruined, over, worthless.
I have tried so hard. I have struggled to do all the things you're supposed to do to build a decent life. But it doesn't matter. Everything is falling apart again despite my best efforts. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically, and I will be left with less than nothing to show for it. I will be left in an even worse position than before. All of my struggles have ended in misery and disaster.
I don't know why I tried. It was pointless. And so am I. I've run out of hope and out of options. There seems to be no path left open to me now except to catch the bus.
Is that what I was meant to do in the first place? Was I wrong to try to reconstruct my life into something better? Did continuing to live make me unforgivably selfish? Is that why I'm being punished this way?
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