Discussion Was I wrong/selfish for saving my wife after she tried to ctb?

[BonnieH]

My wife attempted to ctb 3 weeks ago. I took her to hospital where she was very close but was brought back. She has since been sectioned in a hospital and if anything it's been bringing her down more.

I love and cherish my wife and hope to spend my life with her as in her I've found my soulmate, but I'm wondering after reading some posts on here if I'm doing more harm than good by stopping her when she is clearly unhappy and wants to ctb. I want what is best for my wife and I don't want her to suffer in this life or in any other way.

I'm wondering if it isn't worth ctb together as I don't want to be in a world without her, but I don't want to keep her in this world if she is truly unhappy as that would be cruel and selfish of me.

Am I in the wrong for saving my wife? Was that me being selfish because I want to spend my life with her?

 

[sincerelysad]

i don't think it's selfish. i think forcing someone to stay and disregarding their reasoning, refusing to understand for your own sake, etc is very selfish. you didn't do any of those things.
as for the rest of your post, i'm not sure what advice to give. someone else may be better equipped for that. but i don't think you're selfish for saving your wife.

 

[Seekingawayout]

I think it's human instinct to intervene if you see someone on the brink of death. You aren't thinking of the moral dilemma in that moment. You go into panic mode.
Did you know before she attempted that she was suicidal? Has she tried to get help before?

 

[BonnieH]

I think it's human instinct to intervene if you see someone on the brink of death. You aren't thinking of the moral dilemma in that moment. You go into panic mode.
Did you know before she attempted that she was suicidal? Has she tried to get help before?

My wife has attempted to end her life on occasions previously, but not for the last 2 years. I thought she was doing good so the attempt was a shock. She has tried many different avenues for help through the NHS and private healthcare and seemingly none have worked.

 

[MidnightDream]

Oh this is heartbreaking :( bless your heart for what you've both been through. The fact you're asking at all leads me to fully believe that no, you aren't selfish at all. You've taken the time to understand and respect her perspective despite being in pain, and you're willing to let her go her regardless of your wishes. That's the absolute opposite of selfish, in fact I think you're a wonderful person and the world needs more like you. As for going with her.. that has to be entirely your decision to make. And it's one you need to make as rationally as possible. I don't envy your position at all and I'm sending you both so much love and luck moving forward, I hope you're able to find a way through this whatever that looks like for you both.

 

[No longer suicidal😁]

I voted selfish only because that's what I would describe someone keeping me alive when I'm very close to be over with life. However, the only opinion that matter is your wife's. If she's okay with what you did then it's all good.

It's just like what @Seekingawayout said, it's an instinct to act and try to save someone dying. I, however, believe that saving people who are almost dead can be a dangerous act. Some ctb methods can cause severe brain damage if the person is saved before they die. This can lead to them ending up in a vegetable state.

I bet that if I were in your shoes I will end up doing the same. Don't feel ashamed.

 

[conflagration]

If your wife wanted to be truly dead she would probably try to CTB so you won't find her.
I don't think your decision was selfish.

 

[whywere]

100% you are NOT EVER selfish EVER! You are a loving and caring person and husband who loves and cherishes your wife greatly, just so wonderful.

Every day is new and also with a new perspective on not only life but so, so many things. Now I am NOT pro anything, but ctb is one and done, and with that said the opportunity to at least have the chance to hold hands, look into each other's eyes and then go forward is so precious.

What the future holds no one knows and should never have the chance to know as there in again things change in a flash and walking on a beach looking at a beautiful sunset with a person that one loves is one of life's true pleasures.

All my best to you, my friend.

Walter

 

[MideonNViscera]

Nah, you tried to save the life of someone you love. Sometimes people on this forum, just like everywhere else on the internet, are too far up their own asses with extremist views, and have lost sight of how normal people actually function.

Again, there's nothing wrong with wanting the person you love to keep living.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, you were so incredibly selfish and you were definitely in the wrong. It's disgusting to stop someone's suicide attempt when they want to die, and after all suicide is a human right and the decision of an individual to leave this world should always be respected. Nobody else should have any right to interfere with this no matter what and nobody should be expected to suffer endlessly against their wishes.

But at least you recognise the fact that it's harmful doing such a thing which is the most compassionate way to view this situation. But if people don't see it as being wrong and selfish to stop someone's ctb attempt then it confuses me why they are on this website in the first place, it's not a pro life website, it's a pro choice website respecting individuals personal decisions. Pro lifers shouldn't be allowed on here, those types of people disturb me.

 

[MideonNViscera]

Case in point.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sad for you. It must be a heartbreaking position to be in. I agree with what most people are saying- you are not selfish at all. It's clear you love your wife deeply and sincerely want the best for her. It's very touching to read.

As for stopping her- you were acting in the moment. It would be a knee jerk reaction to try and save a person you love. I've even contemplated whether I would try to stop a stranger say jumping and I likely would try and at least talk to them- and that's feeling the way I do. Sounds like you were in shock- so had no time to think. Have you had a chance to speak to her yet?

I would put it this way to you- if you knew your wife was suffering terribly with an illness and felt like she couldn't go on- it sounds like- to me- you might find it in your heart to let her go. What you were faced with was more of a split second decision by the sounds of it.

With regards to CTB with her- like others have said- that has to be your choice. Perhaps this experience will allow you to talk more openly about things. I hope you can find a way through it- whatever the outcome and wish you all the very best. You sound like such a compassionate person. I'm sorry.

 

[spoiledsick]

you were not selfish, you had a natural response to the situation, as many have said. but now maybe you can see things from her point of view.

maybe you can help her leave next time, if she wants. for me, that would be a dream come true - to have the person who loves me most in this world to truly see the depth of my suffering and let me go in peace. i have pleaded with my husband for him to k me / support my plans to kms at times of extreme pain. no success there yet, but it won't be a secret or a surprise to anyone in my life when i get it right and get out of here.

obviously, your wife is her own person and her mindset is very likely not exactly the same as mine or anyone else's on here, but hear her out. if she wants to recover, help her recovery. if she wants to ctb, help her go. as to weather you want to go with her, that is your personal choice as well. maybe discuss with her what she would want you to do if you found her in such a situation again. understand she may prefer to go alone, that is her decision. could be beautiful to support her and be by her side when she leaves, though, if she is open to the idea. either way, there is something lovely to me about going out with your closest loved ones blessing.

anyway, i think it's more about her than you, and if you really love someone, sometimes all you can do is let them leave and help them do so.

 

[MidnightDream]

Yes, you were so incredibly selfish and you were definitely in the wrong. It's disgusting to stop someone's suicide attempt when they want to die, and after all suicide is a human right and the decision of an individual to leave this world should always be respected. Nobody else should have any right to interfere with this no matter what and nobody should be expected to suffer endlessly against their wishes.

But at least you recognise the fact that it's harmful doing such a thing which is the most compassionate way to view this situation. But if people don't see it as being wrong and selfish to stop someone's ctb attempt then it confuses me why they are on this website in the first place, it's not a pro life website, it's a pro choice website respecting individuals personal decisions. Pro lifers shouldn't be allowed on here, those types of people disturb me.

I've never replied to one of your comments before because you're so heavily opinionated I tend to figure it simply isn't worth it. But like, can't you take a day off? Give the OP a break. It's all well and good telling them they're in the wrong and disgusting bla bla bla but if somebody you loved was dying right in front of you, I struggle to believe you would simply stand there and watch. OP clearly stated that they didn't expect this and obviously didn't have much time to think on their actions - It's literally human nature to panic and act instinctively in that kind of situation. Was what they did the best thing they could have done? Maybe not, and that's your opinion to have, but to call them disgusting for responding in a way that literally reflects human nature is just a bit ridiculous.

I'm starting to think you want to be the only person on this site, since apparently everyone who doesn't blindly agree with your extremist ideology is pro-life this and pro-life that and shouldn't be on here. Christ, if you had your way there'd be no website at all. Have some empathy and compassion and maybe take some time to consider that life really isn't as black and white as you so clearly believe it to be.

 

[peacetime]

1. You were selfish
2. I think you were wrong, but for an understandable reason
3. You should not CTB with her just because you dislike the idea of living without her
4. If she tries to CTB again, if it was me I'd let her. But this is because I am close to CTBing myself and wouldn't want people to stop me.

 

[FuneralCry]

Oh, I don't need to be lectured about this, and I seriously don't care how others view my posts, I'm just being honest in what I write. I'm pretty sure that I'm the compassionate one here as I don't believe in torturing others against their wishes. It's just wrong and people need to realise that so they don't stop the suicide attempts of others. People have ended up with brain damage because someone else interfered with their suicide attempt, like seriously it should be a crime to stop an attempt if the person ends up disabled because of it. But seriously go ahead and justify what the op did with your disgusting pro life views if it all makes you feel better. You all wouldn't be saying those things if you ended up brain damaged yourself now would you.

 

[stermc]

I have been thinking about this for some time. I was talking to my mom and she said she would understand if I killed myself, but if she could do something to prevent it, she would. I, myself, am totally pro-choice (obviously), but if a friend of mine, or anyone I love, said they were thinking about suicide, I would do my best to help them and make them change their mind. I would certainly intervene.
I really want people to be happy. To love life the way I do not (even if I see no reason to love it lol).
Anyway, I don't think you were selfish. You acted as a human. It's ok. Don't punish yourself.

 

[Givenuponlife]

My wife attempted to ctb 3 weeks ago. I took her to hospital where she was very close but was brought back. She has since been sectioned in a hospital and if anything it's been bringing her down more.

I love and cherish my wife and hope to spend my life with her as in her I've found my soulmate, but I'm wondering after reading some posts on here if I'm doing more harm than good by stopping her when she is clearly unhappy and wants to ctb. I want what is best for my wife and I don't want her to suffer in this life or in any other way.

I'm wondering if it isn't worth ctb together as I don't want to be in a world without her, but I don't want to keep her in this world if she is truly unhappy as that would be cruel and seilfish of me.

Am I in the wrong for saving my wife? Was that me being selfish because I want to spend my life with her?

I don't see selfishness its modern meaning as inherently bad, but if you did that out of concern for your wife, as opposed to solely yourself, then I'd not say you were. Even if you were selfish, I couldn't exactly judge without learning more about your situation, even if it were in my position to judge, which it isn't.

I would like to know this though. Has your wife expressed a desire to CTB before this event, and for how long? I ask this because situations involving, along with the reasons for, suicide differ amongst people, as I'd rather learn more before jumping to some rash conclusion.

 

[Lost Magic]

I have never been in a position where I had to save someone (let alone a spouse) from a suicide attempt. It sounds really scary to have had to go through that. I hope you both can work something out and get the support you need. I am in no position to judge tbh.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Even though I am a firm believer in someone's right to die and would hope no one would intervene if/when i make an attempt, it is understandable that you did it simply because you love her. That being said, she is still probably suffering from whatever drove her to doing that.

I will say yes and no to your question. I don't think you should be hard on yourself for it.

 

[BonnieH]

I don't see selfishness its modern meaning as inherently bad, but if you did that out of concern for your wife, as opposed to solely yourself, then I'd not say you were. Even if you were selfish, I couldn't exactly judge without learning more about your situation, even if it were in my position to judge, which it isn't.

I would like to know this though. Has your wife expressed a desire to CTB before this event, and for how long? I ask this because situations involving, along with the reasons for, suicide differ amongst people, as I'd rather learn more before jumping to some rash conclusion.

To answer your question around my wife's desire to ctb she attempted to ctb quite a few times a few years ago, but hadn't made any attempts for around 2 years up until this latest attempt. She hadn't expressed any desire to ctb for the last 2 years to me.

 

[Rogue Proxy]

Between disregarding your wife's wishes, the forced institutionalization traumatizing and exacerbating her suffering; and the high risk of brain damage, there's also the financial and social consequences of interfering with someone's suicide. Forced hospitalization can rack up to hundreds of thousands of dollars, and many health insurance policies do not (fully) cover behavioral and mental health treatments. This can result in medical debt. On a related note, most employers are very intolerant of mentally ill and suicidal employees, and will often fire or lay them off. Unpaid medical costs and/or unemployment compound the costs and accessibility of basic needs like food, clothing, utilities, and shelter - and that's not taking inflation and the ramshackle economy into account. Inability to pay housing costs leads to eviction and even homelessness.

There are social consequences if others learning about your wife's suicide attempt. Most humans have anti-suicide narratives deeply entrenched in their psyches via enculturation. Unfortunately, this results in the negative attitudes and actions towards those who desire to end their lives. Suicidal individuals are usually invalidated, shamed, guilt-tripped, silenced, degraded, infantilized, ignored, shunned, criminalized, and/or verbally, psychologically, and/or medically abused. Of course, this cruel treatment further worsens their mental health along with engendering and enforcing isolation, and even losing any support they might have.

If your wife is experiencing, or will face, any of the listed financial and social issues, they will definitely aggravate her suffering.

It is valid and acceptable to experience the emotional and psychological pain of losing a loved one. However, it doesn't justify or excuse you of meddling with her existential exit without her consent. No one should be forced into continuing existence against their will. To quote the adage: "If you truly love someone, you must let them go." This applies to suicide as well.

You have taken the right steps in reflecting and acknowledging the negative outcomes of interfering your wife's suicide. To echo @spoiledsick 's advice, pay close attention to, take seriously, and respect your wife's wishes. Likewise, your own end-of-life plans should be entirely up to you.

 

[Givenuponlife]

To answer your question around my wife's desire to ctb she attempted to ctb quite a few times a few years ago, but hadn't made any attempts for around 2 years up until this latest attempt. She hadn't expressed any desire to ctb for the last 2 years to me.

I see. In any case, coming from someone who has never married, I can only say to be a good supporting husband to her and stay by her side.

I wish both yourself and her well.

 

[lionetta12]

My wife attempted to ctb 3 weeks ago. I took her to hospital where she was very close but was brought back. She has since been sectioned in a hospital and if anything it's been bringing her down more.

I love and cherish my wife and hope to spend my life with her as in her I've found my soulmate, but I'm wondering after reading some posts on here if I'm doing more harm than good by stopping her when she is clearly unhappy and wants to ctb. I want what is best for my wife and I don't want her to suffer in this life or in any other way.

I'm wondering if it isn't worth ctb together as I don't want to be in a world without her, but I don't want to keep her in this world if she is truly unhappy as that would be cruel and selfish of me.

Am I in the wrong for saving my wife? Was that me being selfish because I want to spend my life with her?

I've pretty much saved everyone I've been with romantically from suicide and done all I could to keep them alive every time they'd attempt to end their life, and often being with me was enough for them to stay away from CTB. But I'd be aware of and listen to how unhappy they are with life and how they just want to be dead. It's a tough situation to be in, especially when I know too well how it is like and what they experience.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Between disregarding your wife's wishes, the forced institutionalization traumatizing and exacerbating her suffering; and the high risk of brain damage, there's also the financial and social consequences of interfering with someone's suicide. Forced hospitalization can rack up to hundreds of thousands of dollars, and many health insurance policies do not (fully) cover behavioral and mental health treatments. This can result in medical debt. On a related note, most employers are very intolerant of mentally ill and suicidal employees, and will often fire or lay them off. Unpaid medical costs and/or unemployment compound the costs and accessibility of basic needs like food, clothing, utilities, and shelter - and that's not taking inflation and the ramshackle economy into account. Inability to pay housing costs leads to eviction and even homelessness.

There are social consequences if others learning about your wife's suicide attempt. Most humans have anti-suicide narratives deeply entrenched in their psyches via enculturation. Unfortunately, this results in the negative attitudes and actions towards those who desire to end their lives. Suicidal individuals are usually invalidated, shamed, guilt-tripped, silenced, degraded, infantilized, ignored, shunned, criminalized, and/or verbally, psychologically, and/or medically abused. Of course, this cruel treatment further worsens their mental health along with engendering and enforcing isolation, and even losing any support they might have.

If your wife is experiencing, or will face, any of the listed financial and social issues, they will definitely aggravate her suffering.

It is valid and acceptable to experience the emotional and psychological pain of losing a loved one. However, it doesn't justify or excuse you of meddling with her existential exit without her consent. No one should be forced into continuing existence against their will. To quote the adage: "If you truly love someone, you must let them go." This applies to suicide as well.

You have taken the right steps in reflecting and acknowledging the negative outcomes of interfering your wife's suicide. To echo @spoiledsick 's advice, pay close attention to, take seriously, and respect your wife's wishes. Likewise, your own end-of-life plans should be entirely up to you.

These are all really good points but I doubt the OP had much time to think about them. It sounds to me like he happened upon her mid attempt. She had given no indication that she was suicidal by the sounds of it. I imagine it was a shock decision- not a thought out one when he saved her.

I don't want to rake up the memory for him but we don't know what condition she was in when he found her. Still- I would say- if you found your spouse possibly unconscious, possibly having a violent reaction to whatever method they had chosen- WITHOUT prior knowledge that they were in fact suicidal- would you really just leave them- or- wait with them and watch them die? Maybe you would- I don't know. I think a lot of people would struggle doing that though. It's a VERY different situation to an assisted suicide where everyone knows beforehand.

 

[SamTam33]

Based solely on the information you've provided, I'd say yes. It sounds like she wants to die but you want her to live because you like being with her.

If she were feeling sick at a party and wanted to go home, but you forced her to stay because you were having fun - would that be selfish?

In the heat of the moment, I doubt there's time to wax philosophical and ponder the answers to these questions. But it's commendable that you're taking the time to reflect on it and maybe prepare for the next time.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Well my guy did same to me... Maybe he was selfish, but I don't think it's bad thing... Even I still hope he could let me die, because here I am suffering still. So yes maybe you was selfish, but it's very understandable and I think (almost, depends situation) everyone would do same what you did in same situation if they see their loved one is going to die.

 

[wait.what]

First of all, I commend you for even asking that question. It's not everyone who loves somebody enough to consider letting them go.

When your wife attempted recently, it sounds like you did the things every suicide PSA insists you must do: move heaven and earth to prolong the suicidal person's life, full stop. It doesn't sound as if there was a lot of time to sit around and reflect on whether that course of action made sense in your wife's particular case. You probably didn't have enough information to make that evaluation even if you'd had time, since it sounds like your wife has concealed her recent suffering from you. So no, I don't think your actions were selfish. I think getting medical help was a natural reaction to finding a loved one who might be dying.

I hope you can have some very honest conversations with your wife from here on out, though. There will probably need to be some trust-rebuilding, since involuntary hospitalization is often pretty traumatic. What I hope can happen is that your wife can honestly express her feelings and wishes, which may indeed include a desire to end her life. If so, the two of you will have to come up with some boundaries that will hopefully allow you to give one another the support you want and need, without betraying yourselves or your values. Perhaps you can commit to not calling the authorities if she expresses a desire to die, but you draw the line at helping her acquire supplies for a suicide. Just an example.

Whatever the negotiations look like, I hope that your wife feels that you are her ally, and that she doesn't have to shut you out of her life, especially if it's her life's final chapter. What really sticks a knife in the heart of loved ones after a suicide is the secrecy of the act. Those left behind will always wonder why the choice was made, and whether things could have been different. The solution is not necessarily to make every person on earth live as long as the medical profession and their own bank accounts can force them to. It may be better to have honest conversations with a person who is thinking about ending their life—not with an end to gathering info for a "gotcha" commitment from a judge—but rather with an aim to reduce the suicidal person's suffering, with all options on the table.

I can't make promises, but your wife may feel comforted enough by your willingness to listen nonjudgmentally that she will no longer feel so much pressure to leave the world.

 

[whywere]

Oh, I don't need to be lectured about this, and I seriously don't care how others view my posts, I'm just being honest in what I write. I'm pretty sure that I'm the compassionate one here as I don't believe in torturing others against their wishes. It's just wrong and people need to realise that so they don't stop the suicide attempts of others. People have ended up with brain damage because someone else interfered with their suicide attempt, like seriously it should be a crime to stop an attempt if the person ends up disabled because of it. But seriously go ahead and justify what the op did with your disgusting pro life views if it all makes you feel better. You all wouldn't be saying those things if you ended up brain damaged yourself now would you.

First time EVER since I have been on this site, but @MidnightDream is spot on. I have been on this site since June 2020, 2 attempts, lock ups, court ordered everything and YES, I have been there and also, I am almost 67, so yep been around the block more than once and to what it seems to paint and almost stark one-society of thinking is so not only depressing BUT giving your thoughts and/or opinions that everything is about a suicide attempt and if it goes wrong shame on society REALLY?

Now if you have had ctb attempts then you might have something to stand on opinion wise, but still darn it show compassion. Compassion is NOT purely ctb and have a safe journey, heavens no.

Get my age, see a lot more of good AND bad aspects of life, BUT like you said in your post that it is disgusting to stop someone's suicide attempt. REALLY?!

Yes, everyone has their own right to their own thoughts and opinions, but to be more on the aspect of ctb than compassion makes me sad. Absolutely some folks have a desire to move on, but hopefully one would be more balanced in one's approach as far as I have seen suicides, and I have also seen folks who were on the tipping point of ctb and recovered and had wonderful lives. Want one example? me, Walter. Yes, I have chronic 24/7 pain and almost every conceivable mental health issue and if I live long enough i might go into a wheelchair, from an accident that was caused by a teenager who blew through a stop sign and I t-boned him and he did not get a scratch. So is life fair, HELL NO and yes ctb might be a piece of the puzzle for me if I get bed ridden, but only after very long contemplation.

After my 2 attempts, one thing that stands out for me is the knee jerk reaction that I did in the spur of the moment, without taking a HUGE step back and take everything into consideration.

Am I against ctb, HELL NO, but there is a time and place for everything.

I am NOT being mean and /or nasty to you at all, as I consider you a friend, I just wish that you would be more balanced, sometimes, as it, at least to me. seems slanted towards I wish you the best, instead of giving thoughts, ideas and/or at least so hope for said person to take a huge step back and think.

On my 2nd attempt, I sure wish I had someone to talk to calm me down and just be a good friend. I may still have tried going through with it, but at least I would have had a few ducks in a row and felt some compassion.

Always remember ctb is one and done, NO repeats, and maybe , jsut maybe a few times a step backmight give the poor soul some time to get helpo, think, whatever. Then if they do ctb, at least it is with all ducks in a row.

BUT I wonder also, if some take a step back from the brink and think of a loved one, pet, hell anything, maybe, just maybe things might either be different or at least more in focus.

I have had Gall Bladder cancer out of the blue, surgery and treatments for it, 2 ctb attempts, car crash, not my fault and 24/7 chronic pain and losing movement on the right side of my body for good, massive depression, BPD, heck everything and I say all of this just as a reminder, that everyone, everywhere has ups and downs and we should work together and love one another without question.

@FuneralCry, I truly consider you a good friend, and please do NOT take this the wrong way, as I am NOT raining down on you at all, just the flip side of the coin.

Walter

 

[whitefeather]

My wife attempted to ctb 3 weeks ago. I took her to hospital where she was very close but was brought back. She has since been sectioned in a hospital and if anything it's been bringing her down more.

I love and cherish my wife and hope to spend my life with her as in her I've found my soulmate, but I'm wondering after reading some posts on here if I'm doing more harm than good by stopping her when she is clearly unhappy and wants to ctb. I want what is best for my wife and I don't want her to suffer in this life or in any other way.

I'm wondering if it isn't worth ctb together as I don't want to be in a world without her, but I don't want to keep her in this world if she is truly unhappy as that would be cruel and selfish of me.

Am I in the wrong for saving my wife? Was that me being selfish because I want to spend my life with her?

Pegasos Association even accepts couples for assisted death together ! > www.pegasos-association.org . Click on their 'Media' tab for the article about an Italian couple who died together at Pegasos.