Help was i able to do something about it?

[Death is my goal]

hi, I've been depressed for a while and now i gave up on life, i dont believe that i can be happy or anything like that. so i started to wonder, am i the one to blame? please answer objectively, i want to know if it's my fault or not.

it all started with school bullying, it kept going for 12 years, I feel it's partly my fault for not doing something about it, this led me to isolate myself and it caused more problems with my parents, like blaming for not leaving the house and keep comparing me to other people, insulting me.. etc
i have social anxiety and i hate it so much
my parents don't really care what they say in front of me, they blatantly humiliate me and call me worthless.. as if school wasn't enough torture.

back then it was literally hell, the mental abuse was too much, it kept going for more than a decade. my biggest regret is not killing myself at that time,

I'm 21 now and graduated from school a few years ago, thought i can start a new life but i was literally the same. i haven't changed. and somehow I'm much more depressed than before even though my situation back then was a lot worse.
i was too naive thinking i can just ignore all what i went through and start again.

what makes me think that it's my fault is that I didn't ask for help, i held all the pain inside of me and didn't tell anyone. I've been through this alone. i never went to therapy or took any meds. if i asked for help perhaps I wouldn't be here. and I'm still not even willing to try.
for the longest time I've been hiding my feelings and acting that it's fine.


so after reading this... did i bring this to myself by hiding my feelings and not going to therapy? do i not have the right to kill myself without feeling guilty?
was it out of my control?

i have so many questions after losing hope

sorry for the long post

 

[sadjenny]

In your post I see someone who was systematically abused: by their peers, and their own parents. And if even your own parents do this, how are you to feel safe about coming forward with your feelings? Your family is supposed to cultivate a safe space for you. And they didn't. Most families don't, these days, sadly. But what I am trying to say is no, I don't think where you are is your fault. I do not think you need to feel guilty.

But if you have anything in you that might still want to try, please do consider at least medication. I am not a pro-lifer, I believe in radical bodily autonomy. But if you've never tried meds, you might see they give you breathing room to think. Antidepressants sort of numb you, and that can be desirable depending on what's going on.

Just food for thought, friend. We're here for you no matter what you decide!

 

[Death is my goal]

In your post I see someone who was systematically abused: by their peers, and their own parents. And if even your own parents do this, how are you to feel safe about coming forward with your feelings? Your family is supposed to cultivate a safe space for you. And they didn't. Most families don't, these days, sadly. But what I am trying to say is no, I don't think where you are is your fault. I do not think you need to feel guilty.

But if you have anything in you that might still want to try, please do consider at least medication. I am not a pro-lifer, I believe in radical bodily autonomy. But if you've never tried meds, you might see they give you breathing room to think. Antidepressants sort of numb you, and that can be desirable depending on what's going on.

Just food for thought, friend. We're here for you no matter what you decide!

thank you, i already stated that i lost hope
wouldn't be asking these questions if i had a chance

 

[sadjenny]

thank you, i already stated that i lost hope
wouldn't be asking these questions if i had a chance

Then I will say, guilt is a useless emotion. It is your life, you own it. No body else. It is yours to do with as you choose, friend. You could decide to ctb for any reason, or none at all. This is my opinion. I'm sure others will come by soon to talk I am sorry you're in such tremendous pain.

 

[dumbassincharge]

Did you find another place to live or are you still stuck with your parents?

 

[Yahwa]

I know what you feel, I too have been bullied all throughout school and didn't tell anyone. It's not your fault. It will never be. Asking for help is the hardest thing to do when you're in this situation, and sometimes, depending on your environment, it's even best not to (not being believed, repercussions because you told someone...) so if on top of that your parent also had a part in the abuse you've received, then how could you even have thought about asking for help? By not telling anyone, you were protecting yourself from even worse things IMO. So don't feel guilty about it. You didn't choose to receive this abuse. Now that you're an adult, you have the means to ask for help by yourself without telling anyone (if you can afford it, of course). As for the medication, it's not always required, sometimes just therapy helps, because the meds are only here to try to restore a natural chemical balance in your brain (whether it's serotonin, dopamine...) and that's why there are all kinds of meds, and it often takes a while and a few tries before finding the right ones (if you can even find that, it's been 4 years for me and none has helped). But yeah, if you can give a try to therapy, I think it'll help you to not feel as lost as you are now. It's gonna take time, but you can get there. And if you see that CTB is your only solution after trying, at least you'll (hopefully) have come to terms with the fact that you were NOT responsible for any of the abuse you've received. Wishing you the best ♥

 

[Death is my goal]

Did you find another place to live or are you still stuck with your parents?

i still live with them, they're not as an issue right now. it's just the past abuse and trauma affecting me really hard and i don't see a way out, like they still verbally abuse me but even if they stop ill still feel the same, leaving them won't fix what's already been diem

I know what you feel, I too have been bullied all throughout school and didn't tell anyone. It's not your fault. It will never be. Asking for help is the hardest thing to do when you're in this situation, and sometimes, depending on your environment, it's even best not to (not being believed, repercussions because you told someone...) so if on top of that your parent also had a part in the abuse you've received, then how could you even have thought about asking for help? By not telling anyone, you were protecting yourself from even worse things IMO. So don't feel guilty about it. You didn't choose to receive this abuse. Now that you're an adult, you have the means to ask for help by yourself without telling anyone (if you can afford it, of course). As for the medication, it's not always required, sometimes just therapy helps, because the meds are only here to try to restore a natural chemical balance in your brain (whether it's serotonin, dopamine...) and that's why there are all kinds of meds, and it often takes a while and a few tries before finding the right ones (if you can even find that, it's been 4 years for me and none has helped). But yeah, if you can give a try to therapy, I think it'll help you to not feel as lost as you are now. It's gonna take time, but you can get there. And if you see that CTB is your only solution after trying, at least you'll (hopefully) have come to terms with the fact that you were NOT responsible for any of the abuse you've received. Wishing you the best ♥

i went through a lot, i don't see therapy or meds working in the slightest. also i don't have the strength to go through this. i just lay in bed. i honestly don't wanna bother with therapy, at this point i just want to die. not trying to recover.

 

[redbathingduck]

No, it was not your fault. Being bullied and abused by your parents (people that should be there for you) is never someone's own fault. The people that should have helped you were instead berating you. Medication wouldn't have helped anything with the abuse or anything like that either. It's still not too late to try and go for therapy now. It might end up helping you with your trauma and feelings of guilt. I'm sorry all of this happened to you. But no, it's definitely not your fault and you really weren't in a position to reach out for help, with the mental abuse you suffered for 10 years. I'm sorry nobody tried to help you. Hiding your feelings is also something many people try to do and seems like it can be a natural thing to do, but eventually these feelings will build up until there's no way to hide them anymore. I hope you can at least let go of your guilt someday

 

[Danielwc]

I grew up in very similar circumstances to you. I didn't blame the bullies or my parents, just felt an all consuming anger towards them. I harboured a deep resentment towards myself for not behaving differently. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I forgave myself and vowed I would never be bullied or treated badly again. How about you do the same? Forgive yourself, you were a child and reacted how you though best. Forgive the assholes that put you down because you can't carry that shit around all your life. Your going forward in life and if you spend to long looking in the rear view mirror you it won't know where your going.

 

[Forever Sleep]

The way I see it is- we are who we are. Partly genetics I suppose. Partly upbringing too. It's not our 'fault' if we're shy and we don't quite know how to stand up for ourselves. Especially as children- how are we supposed to know the best course of action to take?

I had enormous problems with a step family member growing up but I didn't tell my Dad until things just escalated to an awful point. Perhaps things would have been different if I'd said something ealier on but I don't blame myself. I partly stayed quiet to spare him.

Thing is though- there's no way to change what happened and what you could have done differently. Maybe it would have made a difference- maybe not. It's gone now.

Now- it's just going to depend on how much you're willing to 'put yourself through'- as it were moving forward. I too suffer with social anxiety. For me- I've let it rule a lot of my life and decisions- because I simply didn't want the discomfort of facing it all.

I managed to isolate myself and work freelance the past few years. Now- I can't sustain myself financially- and I don't feel like I can CTB while my Dad is still alive- so- I'm being forced into doing stuff I fear.

All I'd say is- no- I don't think you should blame yourself for who you are. STILL- you do realise that your past and anxiety could really hold you back in your future- it's really going to be up to you how you deal with that. Don't feel bad about it- it's not like you chose this- but just know that it's something you are either going to have to confront, or, try to manage/avoid. I wish you all the very best. I do know to some degree how this kind of thing sets you back in life and I'm sorry.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I don't think it's your fault. It sounds like it's the fault of cruel humans who make the lives of other people much worse. It's certainly so unfair how in this world people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[Gaga786]

I am in the same boat; I was bullied tremendously, and I didn't tell my parents about it that much–although, they were neglecting me so I didn't have them around me that much. I do blame myself for that–partly. I have given up on life, too. So, I can't say that I have much advice, just some support to offer. You're not alone in this situation. Im not sure how much that means, but it is present.