I did and I remember seeing it as advice to help stay alive when you have ideation (thinking about something you're looking forward to the future and want to stay for such as an event like a concert or a TV show season, etc.)
Unfortunately, my disability got worse and it's very difficult for me to watch any TV shows now. I also was hoping to finish certain TV shows, but my nervous system is dysfunction at a high level and so watching a show is not a level of relaxing for me anymore and action and emotion can trigger my nervous system dysfunction and fear worse now instead of helping distract me. I have also started having extremely scary OCD intrusive thoughts because a lot of the shows I was following were light horror, but my derealization and disconnection became way worse again which makes regular/IRL reality scary already and makes it feel like the events in the TV shows are happening to me.
I am also possibly being forced to move into a care place soon even though my disability is rare and most people are not aware of the correct way to treat people with it. And it can be made worse by treating it like regular disorders that require care. And it also causes extreme sensory sensitivity to normal sounds which trigger fear. And if I move there will be even more sounds that I can't control or ask to turn off because of roommates, workers, etc. I also have additional mental disorders and my longest lasting ones were never treated. The first treatment I tried caused permanent worse mental health symptoms. And could be made worse if I'm forced to take additional medications which is a possibility of something that could happen to me which I would have no control over, but it's complicated to explain. I have never had a fear of being trapped in a mental hospital long term while they force me to take medications that make mental symptoms worse and cause long term negative mental side effects to extreme levels that are way worse than even severe level original mental illnesses & symptoms before medication.
Everyone told me that things would get better. And even with decades of ideation, I stayed because I had hope that things would be different when I was able to change certain things in my life & make more of my own decisions. Instead, I found out that there were many more responsibilities than I realized to be independent after my family prevented me from being able to develop any life skills. And that all of my mental illnesses became worse trying to do more things on my own and socialize more and that my lack of social skills wasn't just because I needed to practice to improve.
And I still stayed because I hadn't been allowed to find treatment yet or taught how to figure that out. And then the very first treatment I tried and had to seek on my own gave me many long-lasting negative side effects and multiple new additional mental disorders that also made my anxiety & depression worse and I wasn't able to return to my regular life and lost a lot of my hope about improving. But I still stayed because other people said they had been able to improve. Which took years. And then I wasn't sure what to do because of how unbearable that first reaction was or how to figure out what to do anymore because my plan was to find something that helped me improve and reduced some mental symptoms even if I still had ideation. And the goal was also to find something so I would feel capable of being able to handle my life plans and able to function and socialize with less anxiety & depression. Instead, it affected my entire life plans & took them more out of my control.
And after years of waiting for improving from the negative side effects & disorders, I was finally close to baseline but without a regular schedule which is part of how I was able to still function pre-treatment with severe untreated mental illness that I guess would be labeled high functioning even though it didn't feel like it was. And then another traumatic event happened and it caused a cascade of worsening physical & mental conditions that I didn't realize/know that I had because of neglect. And that basically cause even more severe mental disability & symptoms.
And I lived at home for a long time because of how all of this affected my ability to keep a regular schedule. But the reason I had hope previously was because of thinking about how I'd be able to move out & get away one day. Which I realized I couldn't handle/continue doing without mental health treatment to help. But instead of helping, that basically ruined my life to an extreme level.
And then, the worst of the negative symptoms that took years to improve came back at an even more extreme level and got even worse than they were the first time instead of improving. And also prevent me from even being able to go out at all without extreme suffering. Even though the whole point of trying treatment was because I wanted to be able to figure out how to stay/be more independent and better at socializing and going out. I now have a type of agoraphobia, but it's because of how much worse going out in public makes my new symptoms. They are also embarrassing when I already had anxiety about going out which was why I tried a mental health treatment in the first place. And its effects stunted me from being able to develop life skills & independence even more than my family already had during the most important part of life development when those skills are formed. And caused disorders connected to mental health that are even worse than the ones I started with pre-treatment and that have taken almost all of my independence. Plus my ability to take much needed long breaks from socializing and have almost any privacy & freedom & independence which I wasn't allowed to have the entire time I was at home either. The symptoms I'm describing are similar to CFS.
And it has affected all the small things that used to give me a small amount of joy & also help me concentrate such as dressing up, putting together outfits, creating, listening to music, watching TV shows, attending art events, ability to talk to friends even on videocall, ability to read. It has also greatly affected & worsened my communication and cognitive skills/abilities which you can see in my flair, I already struggled with to a greatly high level. And now even more difficulties in the same areas have been added/piled on to all of the areas that I already deeply struggled in. And my coping skills that used to help cause even more anxiety now :(
Sorry for the rambling rant.
There were also other life development milestones that I never really got a chance to try out and probably could have tried a little bit if I had pushed myself, but now my mentioned issues make it impossible for me to do those things anymore.
![[Lord Void]](/data/avatars/l/115/115302.jpg?1757877360){kind=avatar}
(i think even my poor mom knows this, lol).
