Help Wanting to recover, but struggling to find a reason to do so. How can I find my own reason to live?

[Azzuree]

I have been depressed for over a year now, and the things happening in my life has only been making it worse. After lockdown had ended, I had hoped to finally enjoy life again, but the things I've experienced in school have only made everything worse. Eventually, after something horrible happened in school, I started having anxiety attacks whenever I see certain people. They have been gradually becoming worse, and I had no choice but to force myself to be homeschooled for the meanwhile just to pass this grading. Sadly, things have only gone worse and nothing has changed. Ever since then, I've felt lost and hopeless for the future. I've lost my reason to live and keep going.

And yet, I still want to recover. I have my reasons not to CTB or harm myself, but I have yet to find a reason to continue living. I'm living a life without direction or motivation because I have no idea what I want to achieve. I have no long term goal, and because of that, I've been stuck in a hole of hopelessness.

I know that this is a problem that only I can fix. I know that everyone's reasons to live and die are different. I know how bitchy and pathetic this all sounds. And yet, I want to ask for help. Therapy has failed to give me a reason to keep going and now I'm desperate for other answers.

How did you guys find a reason to keep going? How did you guys find a goal in your lives? To those people who are fighting to recover, how can I find my own reason and motivation to live?

 

[uniqueusername39]

how about a pet, if you're fit enough to take care of one? my dog is one of the reasons i hesitate to take my life.

is there anything you enjoy doing? i enjoy sewing while watching some anime. it's what i look forward to during the weekends while i suffer during the weekdays for work.

i don't have any big goals either. once, i wanted to become a doctor, save people's lives, make my parents proud, yada yada. now all i want is to spend what free time i do have attempting to be happy about existing. eating good food, taking care of myself and showering with the best soap and shampoo, stuff like that, which, granted i could only afford by suffering through work.

do you think you can accept suffering just a bit longer through school, so you could one day get a job that you don't necessarily have to love but at least sustains you? i promise school will eventually be over. it felt like i was never going to get out of being a student, it felt like eternity, but it's over now. im still depressed and ideating suicide, but... im at least comfortable.

 

[noonipie]

how about a pet, if you're fit enough to take care of one? my dog is one of the reasons i hesitate to take my life.

is there anything you enjoy doing? i enjoy sewing while watching some anime. it's what i look forward to during the weekends while i suffer during the weekdays for work.

i don't have any big goals either. once, i wanted to become a doctor, save people's lives, make my parents proud, yada yada. now all i want is to spend what free time i do have attempting to be happy about existing. eating good food, taking care of myself and showering with the best soap and shampoo, stuff like that, which, granted i could only afford by suffering through work.

do you think you can accept suffering just a bit longer through school, so you could one day get a job that you don't necessarily have to love but at least sustains you? i promise school will eventually be over. it felt like i was never going to get out of being a student, it felt like eternity, but it's over now. im still depressed and ideating suicide, but... im at least comfortable.

Yes i agree! pets can make you feel needed as well and are just such great company too...

 

[Mord.]

Well, i have no goals or motivation to keep living, and sometimes everything feels meaningless, but the first step for me was realising that i don't really want to ctb, i just want to heal and recover from my depression. I used to do things with the expectation that it's going to make me feel better, but my expectations were too high and unrealistic because i was too depressed and eventually i lost interest in everything. So for me one important thing was to change my mindset about my daily routine, lowering my expectations and accept that this is a proccess that takes time. Not everything in life is meant to make me happy, and that's fine. I've been through a lot of pain in my life, but yet i'm still here, of course i haven't healed yet, but now that i have experienced that pain i know that how much that pain hurts depends on my attitude and how i choose to deal with it, some days i have enough strength to overcome it and sometimes i don't and everything feels worse. So at the end of the day i chose to give it a chance because sh and self-destructive habits lead me to nowhere. Maybe tomorrow or someday i'll feel worse and ctb, or maybe not, i don't know, meanwhile i just live one day at the time

 

[Bleedingheartbeat]

I have been depressed for over a year now, and the things happening in my life has only been making it worse. After lockdown had ended, I had hoped to finally enjoy life again, but the things I've experienced in school have only made everything worse. Eventually, after something horrible happened in school, I started having anxiety attacks whenever I see certain people. They have been gradually becoming worse, and I had no choice but to force myself to be homeschooled for the meanwhile just to pass this grading. Sadly, things have only gone worse and nothing has changed. Ever since then, I've felt lost and hopeless for the future. I've lost my reason to live and keep going.

And yet, I still want to recover. I have my reasons not to CTB or harm myself, but I have yet to find a reason to continue living. I'm living a life without direction or motivation because I have no idea what I want to achieve. I have no long term goal, and because of that, I've been stuck in a hole of hopelessness.

I know that this is a problem that only I can fix. I know that everyone's reasons to live and die are different. I know how bitchy and pathetic this all sounds. And yet, I want to ask for help. Therapy has failed to give me a reason to keep going and now I'm desperate for other answers.

How did you guys find a reason to keep going? How did you guys find a goal in your lives? To those people who are fighting to recover, how can I find my own reason and motivation to live?

I understand how you feel because for a long time I felt this way.Right now my biggest motivation is my family. Even though our relationship isn't perfect and we all have our demons, still I know they've sacrificed so much for me and it wouldn't be right for me to throw that all away. For some weird reason these people believe in me no matter how many times I've fucked up. I just want to see myself from their point of view. So I'm trying to get better . And I want to help people who are struggling with their mental health too. If I can help make someone's life 10% better, I'd know I did my part. I think we're here on earth to support each other. And as idealistic as this response may sound, it's the only thing I can think of to keep me going.