Wanting to get better (but always wanting to get worse)

[Leve]

Anyone else have this? I know deep down I want to get better and live a 'happy' life, but I'm not so sure I even believe in that. I know I should be alive for the people in my life and be healthy for them, but self-destruction is all I really want to do. I simultaneously want to get better, but also want to get worse, keep cutting, remove myself more from people and dissociate more, and eventually ctb. I see myself as sort of in an in-between state. Anyone else relate to this? Any advice on how to solve this? I got sent to the hospital the other day and have some recommendations for doctors and therapists, I'm just procrastinating on picking one (or even researching them)

-Leve

 

[qwert3948]

i very much relate. i feel like i just want to stop feeling this way, but i'm too scared to make any choice about it.
i don't want to comit to getting better and get disapointed, but i'm not ready to kill myself either. i just stand on the pain i feel without doing anything significant about it and life just carries me on

 

[angelz08]

heavily relate. I'm not sure where the wanting to get worse part stems from for me but its very present and I feel odd bringing it up to professionals bc I feel like they won't get it.

 

[Leve]

heavily relate. I'm not sure where the wanting to get worse part stems from for me but it's very present and I feel odd bringing it up to professionals bc I feel like they won't get it.

For me I think it's that I'm used to being sick and have become comfortable. Also deep down I think there's a part of me that wants to get worse so that way it's easier to "let go" of life. If that makes sense. I think professionals might get it. I'm not too sure as I haven't brought it up with any, but it doesn't sound too odd

 

[kazatte]

YES. i get you completely. deep down i want to get better but i also don't know if it's possible for me. i also just kind of feel like i deserve to suffer, if that makes sense? like im fine with getting worse because i deserve it. there is a part of me that wants to try and get better but its really scary