Venting Wanting to end it right now

[Josef2000]

I don't know where else to turn to, I'm incredibly lonely tonight, feeling physically and emotionally shit.

I want to go missing tonight and end it all away from home, however I have my protective factors such as family holding me back so I'm planning on getting drunk too. I have work in the morning, less than 11 hours from now.

I don't know what to do, I've posted many times before here and I know how supportive you all are. I'm just so lost at the moment

 

[Tackingintothewind]

What's so bad about today

 

[Josef2000]

Extra post:

I feel that I have three choices right now.

1. Take some prn, get a shower and go to sleep for work in the morning.
2. Check myself into hospital for the night and ring in sick for the morning.
3. Run from home and take my life.

What's so bad about today

Not just today, I'm just sick and tired of suicidal thoughts, self harm urges, addiction. Dealing with a pointless job, no education. Rape flashbacks, therapy for BPD, no friends, emotional abuse.
It's all too much and I feel so hopeless. I don't see things improving

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Can you do a mixture of 1 and 2. Option 3 without a plan is extremely risky

 

[Josef2000]

Can you do a mixture of 1 and 2. Option 3 without a plan is extremely risky

I have a plan, I have medication that had put me into a coma. If I did not seek medical attention like last time I would have gone unconscious and passed away. Yes it was excruciating but it was reliable

 

[Tackingintothewind]

And if someone finds you and takes you to the hospital? What are the possible side effects of your drug. Do you have somewhere to go where none will find you?

 

[Josef2000]

And if someone finds you and takes you to the hospital? What are the possible side effects of your drug. Do you have somewhere to go where none will find you?

Yeah, there are many mountains and fields where I can go for a few days while the effects kick in. If found, i'll be put on a drip and pass out for a while

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Well then all I can say is think carefully about it I wish you peace either way, it sounds like a substantial part of you wants to live though so I'd take the drugs and call in sick tomorrow if I were you. Then if you still feel the same way tomorrow...

 

[whywere]

You are part of our FAMILY here. When you hurt, so do I. Have 1 drink, relax and have solace in the fact that you are part of us and something much bigger. All my love, caring and SUPPORT goes out to you, my great family member!!! Walter

 

[Josef2000]

Thankyou for the support and kind messages guys I really do appriciate it.

I have decided to tell my mother, ring in sick and take some PRN last night.
I don't feel much better but I guess I'm alive for another day.

 

[Tackingintothewind]

I'm glad you are still with us. How did you mother take it?

 

[Josef2000]

I'm glad you are still with us. How did you mother take it?

She took it well to be honest. I've attempted suicide before so I think she doesn't get as surprised anymore. I'm sure she doesn't like seeing me so low but she understands where it stems from

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Are you feeling a little better today

 

[Josef2000]

Are you feeling a little better today

Honestly I feel the same. It's a Monday tho so I can ring my keyworker and figure something out

 

[Josef2000]

I talked to my keyworker and she's going to get someone to see me tomorrow in person at the hospital.
I know that if I'm honest with them I'll get admitted to a psych ward or hospital overnight.

I want to end all of this. I'm getting really annoyed now about it. I tell myself I do the right thing by telling others but then call myself a coward because I don't really want to die. I don't want to die, I just want this pain to end and if it takes suicide to do that then so be it.

I'm just ranting here if anyone is reading this, I have no friends.

 

[Tackingintothewind]

We are all friends here
As for the pain I cant really comment whilst I was sexually assaulted I was never actually raped. The pain of that I cant imagine.
Re emotional abuse is it possible for you to get away from the people who abuse you. It's not worth keeping them in your life.
As to the other things having an education isn't everything, experience counts for a lot, if you hate your job so much can you try and change it.

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Are you still with us?

 

[Josef2000]

Are you still with us?

Unfortunately. I have a feeling I will end things tonight or atleast try to.

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Whilst I still hope that you will stay with us if you choose to ctb I hope that you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Silver]

Did you see the person at the hospital today @Josef2000 ?

 

[Josef2000]

Did you see the person at the hospital today @Josef2000 ?

I did! :) It was pretty pointless though I was only there for 20 minutes.

My regular keyworker had a baby so she's on maternity leave. So I got this replacement which is nice but she's leaving so I have another replacement for the replacement. I can't create a connection with them.
She told me that I needed sleep, I agree but the problem is that I'm unable to sleep.
She also said I should stop playing video games but that's all I can do during the day, I can't go for walks because I know I won't return home.
I don't have any friends to meet up with and socialise. I feel like her advice was reasonable for the average person but I'm beyond that stage now.

I will probably get drunk tonight and overdose and lay in agony in a field until death takes place

 

[Silver]

Her advice sounds pretty useless. When do you get your original keyworker back? Maybe you will like your replacement's replacement?

Lying in agony in a field doesn't sound good to me

 

[whywere]

You @Josef2000 are a HUGE part of our global family. It really made me sad and hurt that you are so sad. PLEASE let me say this: YOU are part of a large AND growing global family that really does care and love each other. I know, crappy opinion, but try and relax, have a glass or two, no drugs please!, I NEED YOU around!! and try your hardest to think of all of us here sending you vibes and words and thoughts of love, caring and support. I am 65 years young, YIKES!, I know I am old!!, and I need you and your thoughtful input and all the love that you help bring to Sanctioned Suicide! I am sending you all my love, caring, empathy, kindness and SUPPORT, as when one family member hurts we all do period. Walter (yes Walter is my real first name, never ever anything phoney about me ever)

 

[Makko]

I want to go missing tonight and end it all away from home, however I have my protective factors such as family holding me back so I'm planning on getting drunk too. I have work in the morning, less than 11 hours from now.

Reminds me of a joke I know. A down to earth person gets a visit from aliens:
"Come with us, we'll show you distant worlds and teach you all about the universe!"
"Sorry guys, no can do, I've got a shift tomorrow."

 

[Tackingintothewind]

Are you still with us?

 

[notsure04]

hope you still around...

 

[Tackingintothewind]

I guess you decided to ctb. I really hope you find peace and that it wasn't to cold or painful

 

[Josef2000]

I haven't ctb yet, i apologise for the late reply. I checked myself into hospital for a night. still no improvement in my mood yet. Thank you all for checking in on me

 

[Tackingintothewind]

I'm glad you are still with us and sad that you dont feel any better.

 

[Silver]

I haven't ctb yet, i apologise for the late reply. I checked myself into hospital for a night. still no improvement in my mood yet. Thank you all for checking in on me

Nice to hear from you.

Did the hospital offer any help?