Venting wanting to die but questioning if it's the right choice

[stripey]

i think about killing myself numerous times every single day
the thought of dying calms me
but i haven't attempted in awhile
"what ifs" keep holding me back
what if staying alive pays off?
what if i end up happy?
what if i finally get the help i need?
i keep wishing that my previous attempts worked
or that somebody else could make the decision for me
it feels like too big of a decision to make
even so, the thoughts never go away
i feel a genuine want for death
but what if?

 

[itsgone2]

If you're asking what if you wind up happy then I don't think you should do it. I'm out of luck I will not end up happy regardless of how I die. But if you're not certain then idk I think you should wait.
I don't know your story though

 

[Zyntkalla]

With myself I am probably not going to get what I want & I have tried a few different ways now I still have that what if. I find it hard to let go of the hope I have still even though it is very highly unlikely the hope will come true.