Wanting to die because I feel fulfilled with life

[Aeselle]

I don't know if this is weird or not but I had a realization on the reason I don't want to live anymore. Yes, there may have been struggles that made me want to die more especially recently such as distancing further from friends, feeling alone a lot of the times and feeling worthless compared to my peers in college but ending my life has always been at the back of my mind just hidden away even when life was good to me.

I used to believe that there's so much more to do in life and I believed that truly. I'm 20 now, I feel like I've done all the things I want to do in life (Going to college, traveling, making friends and doing the activities that friends do, going to a party, going on a date, working a job, having a dog), maybe I'm just a very simple person but I feel fulfilled with life. I never had any goals in particular. I never wanted a family of my own, I honestly wanted to be single for the rest of my life, I don't enjoy traveling, I don't enjoy working especially thinking about having to do it for the rest of my life to continue a life where I don't have a purpose.

I never thought I wanted to live that long maybe till 30? That still honestly feels like an eternity to me and I just want to go as soon as possible. Life has not been awful to me, I have a very loving and supportive family, I have friends (sort of?) that come by every once in a while, my family owns a house in a moderately big neighborhood and I live with them, they pay for my tuition and housing in college, basically all my expenses, I don't have any illnesses (other than major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder) or pain. I can tell I'm very privileged compared to a lot of people here who struggle with chronic pain, untreatable illnesses, and other devastating situations. I can't compare at all and I really respect people who go through those things. I don't even know if I deserve to die when my reasoning is so simple. Sorry if it's too long, just wanted to express how I've been feeling recently.

Thank you for reading !

 

[derpyderpins]

purposelessness is definitely a growing issue. The fact that you are privileged doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. What you posted made me think about when celebrities who've seemingly accomplished everything attempt suicide . . . what's left for them?

If you ever were to ctb, you don't owe anyone an explanation. It's your choice. But when you say "I don't even know if I deserve to die when my reasoning is so simple" that could just be your brain's way of saying "wait, wait, wait, let's try looking for reasons to live a little longer." I said for a long time I wanted to be dead by 30 and here I am still ticking at 31.

You're still in college. Maybe you enjoy a simple life but there could be something to having your own home that becomes your own space that gives you a little more purpose?

 

[Adûnâi]

Interesting. So your reason is not exactly a fear of losing it? Because I had a vague idea that it might make sense to die before our emotions go even drier and more jaded, in a romantic & epic fashion.

But if you're just bored, maybe you haven't uncovered an avenue that would truly interest you? Such as maybe reading different books - be it the classics of antiquity, or the sci-fi/fantasy of the 1970s? (I've just learned of Gene Wolfe, sounds like something I could read myself).

Alternatively, if you don't feel a specific pressure to kill yourself, you could wait out a year or two and check whether artificial intelligence reaches singularity - it promises to be a crazy change that would definitely offer something exciting to live through!

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are understandable and should never be invalidated/dismissed. Suicide is a personal decision after all, it's up to the individual when to leave this existence and not anybody else, one shouldn't be forced to continue in this existence if they don't wish to. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[acephale]

God is dead, and we had killed him, thus we need sacredness back, what adult content themselves with, it has to become sacred, he has to find himself, the passion and joy stir up from intriguing moments, where there's deep emotional commitment fuels and paves our endeavor and experience.

To me, I found it in beloved people who reflect my personality, but sadly some are died and others live in other countries, if they were around me it will be another story.

Main point is just found something that really grounds you passionately to life. Not just mere activities.

 

[escape_from_hell]

I agree with @derpyderpins on the bit about purposelessness being a growing issue and being privileged not invalidating feelings.

It raises the frightening question about what our world would look like if we got rid of all the big issues everyone is aware of: hunger, housing, equity, opportunity, and so on for all. How many would just end up feeling as the OP?

It's not a bad thing to feel fulfilled! I am a bit older and feel similar in that I have a sufficient collection of experiences and try to be grateful for them. In my case mild chronic pain and loneliness make just chilling each day a bit impractical. A nice relationship (which I've already had and am grateful for) would help but the energy and motivation needed to go through the gauntlet again just is not there.

Since you are young, maybe you can more effectively try and focus on gratitude and appreciating the little things each day, like a coffee in the morning or whatever. From my own experience forcing gratitude is tough though. Without pain and maybe a bit of energy to maintain some friendly relations, why be in a hurry? Maybe revisit the idea when the effects of aging become noticeable. It sounds like your primary challenge is fighting ennui, which can be offset by moderate novelty seeking and fruitful relations.

You could also take on a difficult life by giving up some things and taking on big challenges. But, it won't really be all it's hyped up to be aside from enhancing your appreciation for the good things which I've found to be temporary. Even those coming from poverty acclimate to the nice life pretty quickly.

Other than that there's not a lot I can suggest that would be wholesome.
Just wanted to say your reasons are valid. If you feel you've seen enough and going out early makes sense, it is your choice. It's just a matter of dealing with any nagging thoughts of what you might be missing (FOMO) and overcoming the inherent fear/SI.
But do not feel guilty at your privilege. Or, at the very least, do not let your privileges make you feel obligated to continue living.

 

[wsx-rt]

Your feelings are understandable and should never be invalidated/dismissed. Suicide is a personal decision after all, it's up to the individual when to leave this existence and not anybody else, one shouldn't be forced to continue in this existence if they don't wish to. But anyway I wish you the best.

There should always be freedom of choice for a person

 

[SMmetalhead36]

purposelessness is definitely a growing issue. The fact that you are privileged doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. What you posted made me think about when celebrities who've seemingly accomplished everything attempt suicide . . . what's left for them?

If you ever were to ctb, you don't owe anyone an explanation. It's your choice. But when you say "I don't even know if I deserve to die when my reasoning is so simple" that could just be your brain's way of saying "wait, wait, wait, let's try looking for reasons to live a little longer." I said for a long time I wanted to be dead by 30 and here I am still ticking at 31.

You're still in college. Maybe you enjoy a simple life but there could be something to having your own home that becomes your own space that gives you a little more purpose?

Exactly

 

[Aeselle]

Thanks everyone for the advice !!

I'm glad that there's a community that won't just tell me things will get better and that I have a choice in my life. I feel more free believing in that thought.