Venting Wanting to CTB even when I'm happy

[FallenForestry]

Having friends I've met through theraputic enviroments and the TTI (troubled teen industry) means the people I have found myself surrounded with are no stranger to mental health struggles and thoughts / attempts CTB. However, sometimes I wish I could explain to them what it was like for me becuase it just feels so different. It could be any time of day, and if someone offered me a quick and painless way to CTB I would say yes without a moments hesitation. I could be at my own univeristy graduation, my wedding day, or at my favorite place. I could be the happiest I've been in years but the crushing knowledge of everything life has already dealt me is inescapable. Every good moment will be followed by something infinitely worse. I don't say this to be pessimistic. It's been this way for my entire life. I wish I could reassure people that there isn't anything anyone can do, or anything anyone could have done. I was dealt a bad hand at birth surrounded by people who convinced me that if I kept laying all my cards on the table eventually I must win. Until I lost so much of myself I can't even discern if there was something to gamble away to begin with.
I want to tell them sometimes. That yes, I can go on living my life. I can respond to a text and go to work and make plans for a trip a year from now. I can be hopeful and optimistic. But if I had the chance to CTB. If I had it in my hands, I wouldn't think for a moment. It would be peacful and easy and I could finally just let go. I wish I could.

There's a lot of personal reasons as to why it will likely never happen, and why I'll simply continue floating through life wearing a facade of a person to blend in until something takes me from this world. I barely eat when I'm alone and I can feel my heart beginning to slow. I continue to make wreckless decisions which my friends see as hilarious stories and I see as desperate attempts to destory and rebuild a life where I can be even marginally happier. I'll likely continue to attempt to CTB occasionally as well, and maybe one day I'll succeed. Or maybe I, as I am, will simply cease to exist. And some other part of me that is better and stronger will slide over like a mask and make this life into a life worth living in a way I'll never get to see.

 

[lessthanperfect]

Having friends I've met through theraputic enviroments and the TTI (troubled teen industry) means the people I have found myself surrounded with are no stranger to mental health struggles and thoughts / attempts CTB. However, sometimes I wish I could explain to them what it was like for me becuase it just feels so different. It could be any time of day, and if someone offered me a quick and painless way to CTB I would say yes without a moments hesitation. I could be at my own univeristy graduation, my wedding day, or at my favorite place. I could be the happiest I've been in years but the crushing knowledge of everything life has already dealt me is inescapable. Every good moment will be followed by something infinitely worse. I don't say this to be pessimistic. It's been this way for my entire life. I wish I could reassure people that there isn't anything anyone can do, or anything anyone could have done. I was dealt a bad hand at birth surrounded by people who convinced me that if I kept laying all my cards on the table eventually I must win. Until I lost so much of myself I can't even discern if there was something to gamble away to begin with.
I want to tell them sometimes. That yes, I can go on living my life. I can respond to a text and go to work and make plans for a trip a year from now. I can be hopeful and optimistic. But if I had the chance to CTB. If I had it in my hands, I wouldn't think for a moment. It would be peacful and easy and I could finally just let go. I wish I could.

There's a lot of personal reasons as to why it will likely never happen, and why I'll simply continue floating through life wearing a facade of a person to blend in until something takes me from this world. I barely eat when I'm alone and I can feel my heart beginning to slow. I continue to make wreckless decisions which my friends see as hilarious stories and I see as desperate attempts to destory and rebuild a life where I can be even marginally happier. I'll likely continue to attempt to CTB occasionally as well, and maybe one day I'll succeed. Or maybe I, as I am, will simply cease to exist. And some other part of me that is better and stronger will slide over like a mask and make this life into a life worth living in a way I'll never get to see.

I relate so much and I also hardly find someone who can understand. I meet other people who are suicidal and then they start talking about "episodes", "spikes", and "good days" and I stop relating to them.

My suicidal thoughts don't come and go. I haven't been truly happy since middle school.

Sometimes I have "good days", but what I mean by a good day is one where I'm not having panic attacks or public meltdowns (I have ASD). Not days when I didn't feel suicidal. The last time a day like that happened, I was 13.

I don't even feel suicidal "once a day" or "twice a day". Feeling not suicidal for 20 minutes would be an achievement.

The only thing that's keeping me from agreeing about the "if I had the opportunity, I wouldn't hesitate" is that I haven't finished my suicide note to my sister and I refuse to let myself die without giving her a little bit of closure.

I'd like to recover (in theory) but the likelihood of that happening is very slim. Most people's recovery starts with decreasing the amount of bad days among the good days. Mine would have to start with having a single good day in the first place.