Venting Wanting to be hospitalized??

[Someonetired]

Okay sorry guys this post is a mess and i sound like an idiot, and I can't rly express myself well either but what fucking ever.

I'm going fucking insane. This is some of the thoughts I've had for years and years now but I can't say it to anybody, because if I admitted this to the mental health services they would never take me seriously (they're not Giving a fuck about me either way, even when I was begging for help and didn't really want to die.)

for years and years I've only ever felt at peace in hospital, hooked to tubes and machines so my physical body fun at reflected how I felt on the inside. My eating disorder was another way of connecting my mental state to my body, because when I was severely underweight my outside matched my insides, and I felt strangely at peace.Now I'm no longer that underweight (tried to get better yay)and the disconnection between my body and my mind is making me insane. I keep daydreaming of ways I could land myself in hospital, just to get a few hours of peace. I could overdose again, but I'm afraid of ending up in a vegetative state and not being able to off myself for real lol I could go outside and get hypothermia, but I don't actually think anybody would find me in time, and I Don't want to die yet because I haven't made the right preparations. Thinking about getting black out drunk (I just end up home puking no matter what, seems like my mind is set on getting me home no matter how wasted I am). If I cut myself they just patch me up and send me home. ugh I dont even know why I'm writing this here tbh, this sounds so damn pathetic. I'm so ashamed of this longing for a safe hospital room, this longing of being physically unable to function, when I know that so many people have terrible illnesses and need to be in hospital, hating every bit of them. I feel like a fraud, a faker. But I don't rly have munchausens syndrome either (Ik that's not the correct way of spelling it but I just can't be bothered to look it up rn.) I don't believe I am sick or think everything is a sign of an illness, and I don't pretend to have symptoms I doNot have. I just fucking wish my physical self would reflect how I feel on the inside, and I want a break from having to think, to live, to move or do anything. And I've only ever got that feeling when I've almost died and landed myself In hospital.

 

[UninformedLover]

It's interesting to see someone who shares the similar thoughts as me. Most people loathe hospitals but I kinda liked my stay inpatient wise.

In high school I was forced to be committed due to my selfharm. I couldn't come back until I did that. But there I had such a good time unfortunately. I made some friends and just had an overall good time. Some things sucked like the bed situation and the food was gross but I kinda liked it. It was peaceful to me. I had my own room too. I didn't have to deal with my mom for almost two whole weeks as well. Which is a blessing I half hoped they would send me to a different ward far away indefinitely but instead I got discharged and returned home.

Expressing your thoughts doesn't make you pathetic and you writing this is not pathetic at all.

 

[Squiddy]

It's interesting to see someone who shares the similar thoughts as me. Most people loathe hospitals but I kinda liked my stay inpatient wise.

In high school I was forced to be committed due to my selfharm. I couldn't come back until I did that. But there I had such a good time unfortunately. I made some friends and just had an overall good time. Some things sucked like the bed situation and the food was gross but I kinda liked it. It was peaceful to me. I had my own room too. I didn't have to deal with my mom for almost two whole weeks as well. Which is a blessing I half hoped they would send me to a different ward far away indefinitely but instead I got discharged and returned home.

Expressing your thoughts doesn't make you pathetic and you writing this is not pathetic at all.

I also don't mind my hospital stays and meet some cool people when I go

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

But also think if as you a get a break from your life, those problems will be sorted one less thing to thing think about, you will be who share same ideology as you in place you feel at home, your with people that share the same conditions who you can sit and talk to, share a fag with and who get you and you are not fake, it's society as hell sees mental health in the same way as something that to be ashamed of with so many fakers out it's hard to tell difference between someone whose had a break down and needs support vs some jobby who think he/she is depressed like it's cool fashion word just so they go10+ years watching Jezza Kyle.