Wanting other people to hurt me physically

[stargazingalone]

This is probably going to get pretty detailed, if thats to much please dont read lmao
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I dont really want to die at the moment, I just want to suffer as much as mentally and physically possible. And I dont want any of the suffering to be by illness or something, I want to be hurt by others, preferably people close to me, the closer the better (and best if its my partner since it involves sexual fantasies). I just want to be someones punching bag, them hitting me until my entire body is full of bruises and maybe even with a few broken bones. I want someone to slit my wrists to the point I get dizzy because of blood loss. I want someone who tells me how useless I am as a person, and that Im only good for either fucking or letting out your own frustrations.
As its probably already obvious, I want people to hurt me in sexual contexts aswell. Not as in SA, more like cutting up my body until blood flows down everywhere getting fucked, or like getting hickeys to the point it looks like someone beat me up. I just want to be miserable but also in some sort of high at the same time, and I wish I could take drugs to achieve this feeling more easily, but thats out of the picture since I still have to function in everyday life. I can hide bruises or cuts with clothes, so thats not a problem.
I cant talk with anyone irl about this, for quite obvious reasons, I cant risk getting hospitalized right now, and since nobody is going to do the things I want to me I also wont get hospitalized through that. I wish I could talk to my partner about that without them thinking Im sick, I just want my fantasies to be fulfilled, just like they want theirs to be fulfilled. I get that they worry, and its probably for a good reason, but I still want to be miserable..

 

[landminegirl]

i understand wanting to be miserable. id sabotage relationships for the sake of my suffering. imo it isn't really worth it, at least for me. this kind of thinking attracts the worst people. you might not want to hear this but be grateful that your partner wants what's best for you.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Definitely not saying to describe the entire fantasy to your partner, but have you at least explored the parts of the kink that are not completely unheard of (domineering talk, choking, biting, etc.)?

 

[stargazingalone]

Definitely not saying to describe the entire fantasy to your partner, but have you at least explored the parts of the kink that are not completely unheard of (domineering talk, choking, biting, etc.)?

I already did, problem is that they are very vanilla, since they dont have a lot of sexual attraction anyway. And another thing is that theyre really scared of hurting me, and I dont want to put them under any stress for my own pleasure yk? I still enjoy our sexual encounters, and wouldnt want to make anyone uncomfortable. Its just a little sad that I cant experience my kinks the way I want

i understand wanting to be miserable. id sabotage relationships for the sake of my suffering. imo it isn't really worth it, at least for me. this kind of thinking attracts the worst people. you might not want to hear this but be grateful that your partner wants what's best for you.

Dont get me wrong, Im more than grateful that they care so much about me, and dont want to hurt me. Its just that my mentally ill brain thinks it needs to be hurt to exist normally (if that makes sense). And Ive already had the experience of meeting interesting individuals so Im kind if keeping myself safe by not talking about irl, no matter how sad it is for me lmao

 

[anhedonya]

I say this with kindness because I've met a lot of people who have been in your shoes and had a period in life as well where I would put myself into dangerous situations just because I felt I deserved it.

I do not think your feelings on this stem from any sort of healthy, understandable BDSM kind of thing. Like again not trying to be rude, but it doesn't sound like you are in the safe mental state that such types of encounters are actually about- yes many people have used this stuff to "heal" but, and I get some might disagree but it's true, it can also be another form of self harm and re traumatizing the self.

It sounds like you're in a really rough spot right now. I'm sorry for everything you've gone through especially those horrible encounters you had. You are not alone and these feelings of self loathing are very common, people just don't usually bring them up because they don't want to sound "crazy"- which you don't.

You don't deserve anything that has happened to you nor do you deserve to be hurt again. At this time, I firmly believe that you acting anything involving pain out would just be a way for you to retraumatize and hurt yourself. I promise you deserve kindness, though I know that's easier said than believed by the self.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[stargazingalone]

I say this with kindness because I've met a lot of people who have been in your shoes and had a period in life as well where I would put myself into dangerous situations just because I felt I deserved it.

I do not think your feelings on this stem from any sort of healthy, understandable BDSM kind of thing. Like again not trying to be rude, but it doesn't sound like you are in the safe mental state that such types of encounters are actually about- yes many people have used this stuff to "heal" but, and I get some might disagree but it's true, it can also be another form of self harm and re traumatizing the self.

It sounds like you're in a really rough spot right now. I'm sorry for everything you've gone through especially those horrible encounters you had. You are not alone and these feelings of self loathing are very common, people just don't usually bring them up because they don't want to sound "crazy"- which you don't.

You don't deserve anything that has happened to you nor do you deserve to be hurt again. At this time, I firmly believe that you acting anything involving pain out would just be a way for you to retraumatize and hurt yourself. I promise you deserve kindness, though I know that's easier said than believed by the self.

I wish you the best of luck.

I know that Im in an unhealthy mindset, I get reminded of this since Ive actually managed to find people that are good for me (shoutout to my partner on that note lmao) and Ive realized how "unhinged" my brain is sometimes. People know to an extend that I have these kind of thoughts and tried to either help me with coping mechanisms or try to encourage these kinks in a non harmful way, which sadly didnt work yet.
This all sounds really positive right now, but the biggest problem is that Ive romanticized this mindset way to much and its been really hard to get out. But thank you for believing in me <3

 

[anhedonya]

I know that Im in an unhealthy mindset, I get reminded of this since Ive actually managed to find people that are good for me (shoutout to my partner on that note lmao) and Ive realized how "unhinged" my brain is sometimes. People know to an extend that I have these kind of thoughts and tried to either help me with coping mechanisms or try to encourage these kinks in a non harmful way, which sadly didnt work yet.
This all sounds really positive right now, but the biggest problem is that Ive romanticized this mindset way to much and its been really hard to get out. But thank you for believing in me <3

I'm glad you're around good people, you deserve the healthiness they bring to you. I understand what you mean about romanticization- if by chance you feel your mental state is strong enough for it, there's a book that really
helped me when I was going through this. It's called My Dark Vanessa and was written by a survivor. She was forced to come out and admit it after being accused of plagiarizing parts of the book from another survivor.

I think when I was in your shoes, it felt so comfortable to stay in that place of seeking pain. It was all I'd known for so long, so the idea of not being treated as anything since I was single for the first time in a while was very strange. I'll be really honest and say that to this day, I have my moments where I put on Smarty by Lana Del Rey and still romanticize what happened to me with a certain someone in my head a little. So this might sound SUPER cliche and bullshit- but time does make it easier and it is something you can learn to manage. I can't promise the feelings will go away forever, but it can be managed and I place full faith in you. If you ever need to talk to someone, I am here.

 

[halleyscomet]

I am also in this mindset and it is not a good place to be in. It's like I have one side of me that wants to get better and live a good life, while the other side of me wants to get so badly beaten I fade away into illness. I think this is because when you spend such a long time ill, it's comforting to get sicker. In a fucked up way it makes you feel validated and peaceful. I really do relate and feel for you, it's sad how we've gotten to this point.

The way I am trying to prevent myself from doing something I'll regret is by doing a couple of things in these steps:

1) Think about how I'm most likely going to regret this tomorrow, or in the near future.
2) If that doesn't work, I try to distract myself with something I like.
3) If I can't be distracted, I remove myself from anything unsafe and go out somewhere where I know I will be okay. Like I go to my friends or my parents, I don't tell them what I'm feeling, but I just surround myself with people so I can't get myself hurt without being stopped.
4) If all else fails I nap or go on here to vent about it.

I know this sounds super preachy or something, but this is how I stop myself from doing impulsive things. I hope this helps you as much as it does for me.

Whatever happens, I hope you will be okay!

I'll be really honest and say that to this day, I have my moments where I put on Smarty by Lana Del Rey and still romanticize what happened to me with a certain someone in my head a little.

Not the lana del rey! God I had to stop listening to her music, I love her and all but her songs fuel my unhealthy coping mechanisms.