Discussion Wanting companionship

[hwaiting]

More or less the title; everyone wants to be loved, loneliness isn't a unique thing. It is like by far the most universal experience that humans share. Mine has been exacerbated by years of living with abusive parents and siblings, both physical and emotional, and at some point I convinced myself that I would rather be alone. Of course, while there are times when I need to decompress, being alone is pretty trash. But, the experiences I've had and mistakes I've made have caused me to be extremely averse to closeness. No matter how much my friends tell me that they want to spend time with me, and how much I believe it (which I do), there's always this compulsion to self-isolate. It's kind of like entropy in a way, where isolating myself is the natural state of being.

For a long time, I've almost romanticized the idea of companionship. Beyond physical intimacy, it's more just wanting to share the presence of someone that I love, be it romantic or platonic. Just being in the same room as them and enjoying each other's company. All my life I haven't had someone close that I could trust, that they wouldn't hurt or leave me. With my sibling, I still stuck to them like glue because I had nobody else, and for someone so young, being completely alone is legitimately debilitating. Just, I want to feel safe, comforted, and loved.

I've heard everywhere that you should be able to love yourself before seeking that from someone else. Daniel Sloss has this great comedy special called 'Jigsaw' that explores that. The more years that pass, my mental health either stagnating or getting worse, the more I start to believe that this is just what life will be. The last thing I want to do is to become this codependent burden on somebody else. No one should ever be responsible for another person's wellbeing; everyone has enough going on in their own lives. It's also unreasonable to expect somebody to literally be there all the time, because people have lives.

It's just a whole mess of conflicting feelings, of rejecting closeness when closeness is all I've ever wanted. I took an attachment test recently (I got dismissive-avoidant—shocker), and the ideal is 'secure attachment.' I guess that's what I've been chasing, but I don't see how that's possible when one side will always be broken.

 

[CloudyNight]

I gotta say the same it's come to a point where I don't want to talk to my friends anymore cause of my anxiety that I'm bugging them or my inability to ask for help I will un knowingly push friends away not knowing how to talk to them cause I have already got it through my head that we haven't talked in awhile they must not like me or they moved on from me so now my 'friend group' is just me and some people I have known all my life I enjoy listening to people talk but when it comes to me I just can't so even with that friend group it doesn't even feel like I'm a part of it like I'm already forgotten

 

[bearcareunknown]

I agree entirely, I want companionship so bad. I have friends and a lover but none of them want to listen to my feelings. I'm drowned out by their voices and lives of happiness that they will not understand what I am going through in my thoughts. The idea of somebody that wants to be there for me is so comforting. I sound like a spoiled brat but I have no idea why I feel so lonely all the time despite having these close relationships.

 

[Stylite]

Nothing I want more than companionship. A friendship strong enough to trust each other with the deepest secrets, with our very lives. The romantic camaraderie ala Achilles and Patroclus, or Alexander and Hephaestion. The ideal would be that it's not a burden to your friend for them to care for you, nor a burden to you to care for them. I hold friendship and camaraderie in such a high degree that I internally think of almost everyone I am friendly with as acquaintances only, even after many years of speaking to them. It's hard to make friendships when you're so afraid of it being shallow; when your hands have been singed and burnt.