Help wanted to die but what happened to me ?

[thesilentoceans]

yesterday was sunday and i had gone with my family to temple we used to go there probably every sunday and its been like 16 years i guess. so we came home late so i was tried just by sitting in the car. i came home downloaded insta after 2 months and started watching reels which were all suicidal... and i was literally crying in the room watching those reels and how i cant commit suicide even if i want to so much.

my bro send me cat reels a little later i watched a few they were funny and in one reel pigs were killed alive maybe for food i guess it made so fucking angry that i forgot about suicide and wanted to live more and do something in future to stop this torture on innocent animals. and my suicidal intentions were completely wiped out till i went to sleep.

i dont feel suicidal today but i feel a weird thing in my stomach a bit restless about how all those suicidal thoughts just vapourised last night.

and i get a feeling that the suicidal thoughts will reemerge again tonight in my dreams or in the morning.

why is this happening plz someone explain it

 

[hurting]

It sounds like the moment you gave yourself purpose you were better. Have you tried finding a hobby or something that you are passionate about.

 

[thesilentoceans]

It sounds like the moment you gave yourself purpose you were better. Have you tried finding a hobby or something that you are passionate about.

i dont have any hobbies now
i did sketching back in the time just to distract myself but after my sketch was done the thoughts came back and on the next day when i see my sketch again it made me feel that it is a waste even though they were beautiful sketches. so i next day i torn very sketch i made and burned them. i made my last sketch out of the image i saw in my mind it was too dark and i wanted noone in this world to see it so i torn it and decided to never sketch

now the only hobby i have is to listen to depressed suicidal songs they repress my suicidal feelings a bit.

 

[SnakesButNoLadder]

its pretty messed up that instagram caters content like that. they're pushing you to ctb

why is it happening, it's obviously instagram to blame. they pushed you back into rumination

delete instagram again, it doesnt sound helpful

 

[thesilentoceans]

deleting insta and not deleting it doesn't even make any difference now TT

 

[hurting]

Honestly try a hobby out, maybe even try a new hobby. Have you thought about getting involved at your local animal shelter? During my life I found 3 separate hobbies I loved and eventually turned all three into profitable businesses that I sold. I eventually became disabled and could no longer do the things I like but those hobbies gave me purpose and happiness.

 

[a.fool]

yesterday was sunday and i had gone with my family to temple we used to go there probably every sunday and its been like 16 years i guess. so we came home late so i was tried just by sitting in the car. i came home downloaded insta after 2 months and started watching reels which were all suicidal... and i was literally crying in the room watching those reels and how i cant commit suicide even if i want to so much.

my bro send me cat reels a little later i watched a few they were funny and in one reel pigs were killed alive maybe for food i guess it made so fucking angry that i forgot about suicide and wanted to live more and do something in future to stop this torture on innocent animals. and my suicidal intentions were completely wiped out till i went to sleep.

i dont feel suicidal today but i feel a weird thing in my stomach a bit restless about how all those suicidal thoughts just vapourised last night.

and i get a feeling that the suicidal thoughts will reemerge again tonight in my dreams or in the morning.

why is this happening plz someone explain it

I think you have anxiety. I have it so I know. Have you tried getting better like trying to improve by yourself?
Know that everything will get better!
Out of topic, if you don't mind can I ask you something? Are you Indian? I feel like you're an Indian boy aged something around 18 or 20. Just guessed it as I'm an Indian too. Don't take this rudely.

 

[thesilentoceans]

srry but im not indian. and i dont think anxiety can make someone suicidal.

I think you have anxiety. I have it so I know. Have you tried getting better like trying to improve by yourself?
Know that everything will get better!
Out of topic, if you don't mind can I ask you something? Are you Indian? I feel like you're an Indian boy aged something around 18 or 20. Just guessed it as I'm an Indian too. Don't take this rudely.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly try a hobby out, maybe even try a new hobby. Have you thought about getting involved at your local animal shelter? During my life I found 3 separate hobbies I loved and eventually turned all three into profitable businesses that I sold. I eventually became disabled and could no longer do the things I like but those hobbies gave me purpose and happiness.

Yeah- I was going to suggest this. It sounded like it was the animal cruelty that inspired you the most to want to try and do something about it. In a small way, it was also seeing horrible scenes in an abattoir in a documentary on horse racing that turned me vegetarian overnight. So- if you want reasons to stop you CTB- fighting for a cause could be a good one. As @hurting suggested- you could volunteer at an animal shelter. Join organisations that provide sanctuary for unwanted animals. Join organisations that spread awareness.

 

[gggy]

love is what keeping us alive, if you find something or someone you love you will still want to exist just for it. It gives you a purpose and meaning to existence.

 

[a.fool]

srry but im not indian. and i dont think anxiety can make someone suicidal.

Sorry if asking if you're an Indian made it look rude.
Anxiety can make someone suicidal for sure. We never know what someone is going through. Anxiety if not treated can lead to depression and depression can progress over time which can lead to suicidal thoughts. I'm talking about my scenerio here too.

 

[thesilentoceans]

Sorry if asking if you're an Indian made it look rude.
Anxiety can make someone suicidal for sure. We never know what someone is going through. Anxiety if not treated can lead to depression and depression can progress over time which can lead to suicidal thoughts. I'm talking about my scenerio here too.

now what does anxiety means according to you ?

love is what keeping us alive, if you find something or someone you love you will still want to exist just for it. It gives you a purpose and meaning to existence.

i dont love anyone in this world not even my fucking self. and i hate it too

love is what keeping us alive, if you find something or someone you love you will still want to exist just for it. It gives you a purpose and meaning to existence.

i dont love anyone in this world not even my fucking self. and i hate it too

love is what keeping us alive, if you find something or someone you love you will still want to exist just for it. It gives you a purpose and meaning to existence.

i was angry how could someone cry to torture the innocent, for example its so fucking messed to see a scenario where someone is tortured and he/she/ it or whatever, cant even ask somebody for help, and even if people do see, it only makes a diff if they take any action. most people try to stay out of trouble and it is for they best too. it is natural law kind of thing. survive any way no matter what is at stake.

survival of the fittest - thats the only thing this world is working like

 

[pyamu]

This is me.. my emotions switch like crazy and it bothers me so much. For a couple days I could be extremely suicidal and then i randomly get extremely happy for a couple of hrs for no reason, and then the suicidality comes back even harder. Every time I'm not suicidal I'm paranoid of it getting bad again. I can't control my emotions and have no neutral mood.

 

[Kasumi]

my bro send me cat reels a little later i watched a few they were funny and in one reel pigs were killed alive maybe for food i guess it made so fucking angry that i forgot about suicide and wanted to live more and do something in future to stop this torture on innocent animals. and my suicidal intentions were completely wiped out till i went to sleep.

sounds like you literally found something to "live for".
now's the question if that was only something that got you upset temporary or if it was something that you can't give up on.
I think if you happen to find that something you just can't give up on, it'll give you the strength required to keep on living.

 

[thesilentoceans]

sounds like you literally found something to "live for".
now's the question if that was only something that got you upset temporary or if it was something that you can't give up on.
I think if you happen to find that something you just can't give up on, it'll give you the strength required to keep on living.

it was just temporary, and i had a mental breakdown much worse after a day. idk why this cycle keeps on repeating getting suicidal and then non suicidal.

sounds like you literally found something to "live for".
now's the question if that was only something that got you upset temporary or if it was something that you can't give up on.
I think if you happen to find that something you just can't give up on, it'll give you the strength required to keep on living.

same. and i hate this repeating cycles of suicidility and then forgetting about it just of temporary laugh or joke because my body still has those suicidal emotions trapped in it and ik after every distraction gone the depressed thoughts and suicidal tendency are gonna take over me but much worse than before

 

[thesilentoceans]

This is me.. my emotions switch like crazy and it bothers me so much. For a couple days I could be extremely suicidal and then i randomly get extremely happy for a couple of hrs for no reason, and then the suicidality comes back even harder. Every time I'm not suicidal I'm paranoid of it getting bad again. I can't control my emotions and have no neutral mood.

0-0

 

[5nicotine]

I don't think it'll be a solution to your problem, but I do think you should consider getting into doing political activism. I used to do a lot of stuff in my local vegan and animal rights organisations and for a while it really helped me feel like I'm not completely useless. I found a lot of like-minded friends, strengthened my understanding of the arguments and felt like I was a part of developing a culture which could be spread and extended to one that would end animal exploitation. I was also spending time doing stuff instead of just sitting at home. Being passionate about something is a good way to distract yourself is what I'm saying. Animal rights is just an example since it's something that seems to give rise to feelings in you and it's what I'm most familiar with.

I don't really believe in any of that will fix your problems though. I've been suicidal on some level throughout all of what I described above. I never really had any hope that we'd see people understanding or caring enough about arguments for animal rights for them to become vegan en masse. There was a huge surge in veganism (for many sadly only because of ecological reasons) and that's been going on for the last eight years. Veganism is fairly common, but there's just no sign of it becoming common enough to stop animal exploitation on any meaningful scale. Doing activism where you don't see any progress is incredibly depressing and eventually I just gave up. I think it might be something that happens for most things you're going to find yourself being passionate about, especially if you're prone to depression and thoughts of meaninglessness.

I think my point is that getting a hobby won't fix your suicidality long-term.

I don't know how to help you with the fact that you are atm sometimes having obsessive thoughts about suicide. I recommend trying to get on antidepressants. They numb you so the obsessiveness kind of eases up. You might be the kind of person whose mental problems can be helped by doing therapy and staying on antidepressants forever, but that might not happen. Having hobbies, studying something you like and moving your life forwards also helps with that. However I've tried to do that for nine years and I'm probably at the worst point ever in my life even though looking externally things are better than they've ever been.

The obsessiveness can also kind of wax and wane so you might just have to wait a few weeks for your mind to find thoughts that, while maybe still depressing, don't make you want to immediately kill yourself. If you noticed that animal rights videos get you passionate and not thinking about suicide then those would probably be a good way to distract yourself for a few weeks. Getting into activism is a good way to distract yourself until you can get professional help.

I'm sorry. I think the tone of this post might be really condescending towards you and I really didn't want it to be that way. The post is already written though so I'm going to post it. I think there might be something useful under all the condescension. Sorry.

 

[thesilentoceans]

wooooooooahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
seriously woahhhhhhhhh

I don't think it'll be a solution to your problem, but I do think you should consider getting into doing political activism. I used to do a lot of stuff in my local vegan and animal rights organisations and for a while it really helped me feel like I'm not completely useless. I found a lot of like-minded friends, strengthened my understanding of the arguments and felt like I was a part of developing a culture which could be spread and extended to one that would end animal exploitation. I was also spending time doing stuff instead of just sitting at home. Being passionate about something is a good way to distract yourself is what I'm saying. Animal rights is just an example since it's something that seems to give rise to feelings in you and it's what I'm most familiar with.

I don't really believe in any of that will fix your problems though. I've been suicidal on some level throughout all of what I described above. I never really had any hope that we'd see people understanding or caring enough about arguments for animal rights for them to become vegan en masse. There was a huge surge in veganism (for many sadly only because of ecological reasons) and that's been going on for the last eight years. Veganism is fairly common, but there's just no sign of it becoming common enough to stop animal exploitation on any meaningful scale. Doing activism where you don't see any progress is incredibly depressing and eventually I just gave up. I think it might be something that happens for most things you're going to find yourself being passionate about, especially if you're prone to depression and thoughts of meaninglessness.

I think my point is that getting a hobby won't fix your suicidality long-term.

I don't know how to help you with the fact that you are atm sometimes having obsessive thoughts about suicide. I recommend trying to get on antidepressants. They numb you so the obsessiveness kind of eases up. You might be the kind of person whose mental problems can be helped by doing therapy and staying on antidepressants forever, but that might not happen. Having hobbies, studying something you like and moving your life forwards also helps with that. However I've tried to do that for nine years and I'm probably at the worst point ever in my life even though looking externally things are better than they've ever been.

The obsessiveness can also kind of wax and wane so you might just have to wait a few weeks for your mind to find thoughts that, while maybe still depressing, don't make you want to immediately kill yourself. If you noticed that animal rights videos get you passionate and not thinking about suicide then those would probably be a good way to distract yourself for a few weeks. Getting into activism is a good way to distract yourself until you can get professional help.

I'm sorry. I think the tone of this post might be really condescending towards you and I really didn't want it to be that way. The post is already written though so I'm going to post it. I think there might be something useful under all the condescension. Sorry.

i was not condescending. I grateful and thank you for replying i will remember this advice in the future too. again thank you very much.