caught between wanting to disappear and wanting to try to mend the connections ive broken from trying to disappear before...
im emotionally dead and i just want to be dead in other ways too. going offline is kinda like dying, killing my digital self. but when the illusion of that wears off and im left empty in self-imposed loneliness, i'll just seek further forms of death, until im gone completely.
fuck waiting for a slow death as i exhaust my energy to depletion. i'd rather implode instantly. if i only could, if only i didnt have to wait and everything could just end now. instead im stuck living a life i never asked for, in a body i never got to choose and can at best only modify. i can never accept that. there's no way i could ever be at peace with this painful existence when i am trapped in it. for as long as death is not an option, how could i ever choose life? i merely resign myself to fate, but i do not choose to continue living. maybe if i truly had the option, there's a possible world where im masochistic enough that i'd choose to live even if only for self-harm. instead i can only wait and hope for a chance at death, and if/when that chance comes i will not hesitate to take it.
im emotionally dead and i just want to be dead in other ways too. going offline is kinda like dying, killing my digital self. but when the illusion of that wears off and im left empty in self-imposed loneliness, i'll just seek further forms of death, until im gone completely.
fuck waiting for a slow death as i exhaust my energy to depletion. i'd rather implode instantly. if i only could, if only i didnt have to wait and everything could just end now. instead im stuck living a life i never asked for, in a body i never got to choose and can at best only modify. i can never accept that. there's no way i could ever be at peace with this painful existence when i am trapped in it. for as long as death is not an option, how could i ever choose life? i merely resign myself to fate, but i do not choose to continue living. maybe if i truly had the option, there's a possible world where im masochistic enough that i'd choose to live even if only for self-harm. instead i can only wait and hope for a chance at death, and if/when that chance comes i will not hesitate to take it.
