Want to die, but too much of a coward

[bigtiredoflife]

I'm a 28 year old man, but I don't feel my age. I don't even feel like I have a coherent personality. I watch anime, and like romance, but am interested in guns and gave up a well paying office job so I can work with my hands. I have only one actual friend in this world, everyone else felt like a tourist and came and left. My mood can be erratic. Normally I feel empty but will alternate between absolute giddiness and complete hatred/misery. I'm pushing away my one friend because my mind has twisted it that she's only a tourist in my life too, even though she's the sweetest and most thoughtful and fun person. I'm tired of feeling like an alien in this world, never belonging anywhere, unable to relate or interact with most people besides the scripted personality I've learned to develop. I used to love trying to learn a language, even if adhd made me jump between them. I loved getting absorbed in a video games or niche topic but now nothing brings me dopamine or happiness. If I disappeared I'd quickly be forgotten, and my parents would get over it. I'm a loser; despite trying to better myself I'm still lonely, and still struggling even though all the people I've known are financially stable and have friends, hobbies, and real lives.

I hate being mentally ill and a prisoner of my mind, and despite the fact that I've tried to hang myself twice, and have a couple of guns that would be perfect to ctb with, I'm still too much of a pussy to just do it, so now I'm trying to mix adderall and alcohol to see if the mixture can compel me to go through with blowing my brains out. I'm still nervous because my friend/roommate is home and I don't want her to have to deal with it but I can't stand wasting my life being a failure.

I'm sorry for the nonsensical rant, but I feel like this site where I feel people can relate to the struggle. I can't even describe the feeling of abject isolation I feel despite being around people all the time

 

[y'ffre]

Committing suicide is hard simply. If it wasn't, many people who are alive right now would be dead, me included.

 

[hamvil]

I'm a 28 year old man, but I don't feel my age. I don't even feel like I have a coherent personality. I watch anime, and like romance, but am interested in guns and gave up a well paying office job so I can work with my hands. I have only one actual friend in this world, everyone else felt like a tourist and came and left. My mood can be erratic. Normally I feel empty but will alternate between absolute giddiness and complete hatred/misery. I'm pushing away my one friend because my mind has twisted it that she's only a tourist in my life too, even though she's the sweetest and most thoughtful and fun person. I'm tired of feeling like an alien in this world, never belonging anywhere, unable to relate or interact with most people besides the scripted personality I've learned to develop. I used to love trying to learn a language, even if adhd made me jump between them. I loved getting absorbed in a video games or niche topic but now nothing brings me dopamine or happiness. If I disappeared I'd quickly be forgotten, and my parents would get over it. I'm a loser; despite trying to better myself I'm still lonely, and still struggling even though all the people I've known are financially stable and have friends, hobbies, and real lives.

I hate being mentally ill and a prisoner of my mind, and despite the fact that I've tried to hang myself twice, and have a couple of guns that would be perfect to ctb with, I'm still too much of a pussy to just do it, so now I'm trying to mix adderall and alcohol to see if the mixture can compel me to go through with blowing my brains out. I'm still nervous because my friend/roommate is home and I don't want her to have to deal with it but I can't stand wasting my life being a failure.

I'm sorry for the nonsensical rant, but I feel like this site where I feel people can relate to the struggle. I can't even describe the feeling of abject isolation I feel despite being around people all the time

I sympathise with you. I have also pushed away all my friends because of my personality quirks. I feel my days watching youtube videos. I used to play videogames a lot but my wife got annoyed by that because she says that they make me violent. Soon I will have to start working again in a silly workplace with boring colleagues.

You do not sound nonsensical to me. Being afraid to commit suicide is not a good reason to call yourself coward. On the contrary it take courage to overcome the natural instinct for self-preservation. Some times I think that if I had access to gun it would be easier but probably it is just because I do not have guns.

 

[theboy]

If I had a gun, I would shoot myself without thinking.
It is difficult to make the decision. I hope you find peace. you shouldn't suffer like this

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide really can be so difficult. All humans are programmed to survive after all and feeling like you are unable to go through with it doesn't mean that you are cowardly. Of course suicide should be much easier, none of us should have to resort to methods like hanging in the first place, we all deserve the option of a peaceful exit. I wish you relief from your suffering.

 

[gimzero]

Who program us for survive this life is a jungle and where i live u can die from car accident which is more common this is torture.

 

[bigtiredoflife]

Thank you everyone. It feels fucked up in a way to have people on this site relating to and comforting me, but in another more personal sense it's nice. Like I feel less alone knowing I want to embark on my final journey with kindred souls. If and when I gather the strength to die, I hope I can meet you all in the afterlife, if there is one

 

[obafgkm]

Who program us for survive this life is a jungle and where i live u can die from car accident which is more common this is torture.

If animals can evolve and adapt to environmental changes without becoming extinct, it seems those changes are already anticipated. The animals are programmed to have the ability to adjust accordingly. Species won't waste energy copying useless DNA. Every bit is useful and expecting something. Only what can ultimately kill a species is unexpected by DNA. If human can survive in cities, maybe city is actually nothing new to human.