want to ctb but is a big scaredy cat whos terrified of death

[nolifezzz]

does it make sense? like im a big scaredy cat in general when it comes to topic like these, i browse this website with images disabled, i explore the methods threads VERY carefully and whenever i accidentally saw examples/links of dead people my heart jumps out of my chest. like death, dead bodies, dead people, dead people faces, gores etc. in general terrify me so much. id even go as far and say that some terrible ones, terrible images would give me ptsd. will visit me in my nightmares for days. made me lose sleep, etc. is squeamish the right word? maybe because the reason i want to ctb is because i just want to not exist in the first place, as in ill do anything to stop myself from existing (for example ive been isolating myself from my family & extended family for years now, never showed up for any family photos, family meetings, pushed them all away, barely talk to any of them, barely left my room, asked to not be talked about or to not mention my name at all in any conversations basically trying to erase myself from their lifes & making them forget about my existence i guess). and death is one if not the only option. but whenever i was faced with the reality of it and how terrifying it is and how terrifying it looks it scares me to death (ha). because of this i think the only chance ill ever have the guts to finally go through with it is when i do it without thinking & impulsively and i think thats not a good idea. i even try to get over my fear by watching some gore, death clips/videos on youtube talking about the popular ones in details, reads detailed description of torture gore movies (cause i dont have the guts to watch an entire movie) to try getting myself used to it and well....uh i can at least browse this site more often than i used to i guess. its one of those cases where the more you think about it the more youre afraid of it you know? now that i think about it doing things without thinking might not be all that bad after all

 

[The Burning Fool]

I hated nightmares for many years, but I've grown to accept them since. They're just normal. Getting PTSD is also normal if you're exposed to horrible stuff. It's just a side of life that most of us label as wrong. But I wouldn't attempt to ctb impulsively. Ending up as a vegetable, a torture doll bound to a bed would be a nightmare even I'd have a hard time getting used to. Imo considering plans of ctb can also be a useful cope mechanism. My suicidal ideation is helping to keep me alive. If I repressed it, that would probably be a danger factor, but I cherish these thoughts, and this way I'm at relative peace. Does that make any sense?

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish there's the option to just disappear and permanently erase our existence, it certainly would prevent so much unnecessary suffering.

 

[nolifezzz]

I hated nightmares for many years, but I've grown to accept them since. They're just normal. Getting PTSD is also normal if you're exposed to horrible stuff. It's just a side of life that most of us label as wrong. But I wouldn't attempt to ctb impulsively. Ending up as a vegetable, a torture doll bound to a bed would be a nightmare even I'd have a hard time getting used to. Imo considering plans of ctb can also be a useful cope mechanism. My suicidal ideation is helping to keep me alive. If I repressed it, that would probably be a danger factor, but I cherish these thoughts, and this way I'm at relative peace. Does that make any sense?

it makes sense! youre very right about considering plans can be a useful cope mechanism, im guessing its mostly the reason why im here too despite not seeing myself actually having the guts to do it anytime soon (unless impulsively or something shockingly bad happen in my life) while theres some sides of it that terrifies me browsing this site gives me comfort & validation. also helps me to consider things further & actually think things through before doing anything rash & irreversible. people telling their own stories & their own POVs on things & life helps me see all sorts of options too. just having the knowledge on how to exit this world properly & less painfully (i hope) is comforting. like a safe plan, secret card you can fall back on anytime youre having difficulties deciding/about to do something crucial in your life. as in "if this one thing fail, i can always do x so its okay"