Help Want to ctb but have a partner what I love

[spectraltease]

I feel very bad talking about this but I have to. I have a great relationship with my gf and I love her very very much but I want really to ctb but dont want to hurt her, what should I do?
She doesent know about this side of me and I will never tell her. I love her but im too much empty for all of this here.
I love her too much and my heart cant take it anymore anyways because im too much empty and dead.
I want to try to stay alive till the summer and if it wont get better, I will kill myself.
Is this so bad? Am I a bad boyfriend for doing this? I dont know but I really cant take it anymore, I wish she could understand me.

 

[Monkeyman]

You're not a bad boyfriend for this (IMO), it's not your fault for having those feelings. This is a difficult situation because someone's going to get hurt no matter what you do. If she cares that much for you, she's going to feel bad whether you tell her or CTB without saying anything to her, so anyway you're going to leave her feeling pretty terrible and maybe even traumatized - unless you end up deciding not to CTB, but of course that's going to be a strain on yourself, since you already sound like you really want to do it.

I don't know what your relationship's like, but consider talking to her about it - she's probably going to get really worried, but also might be able to help you in some way. Sometimes lack of communication ends up just making things worse (and it's happened to me before in the same kind of situation).

 

[Lifeless mindset]

I can relate in a sense. The only difference is my partner wants to CTB too. It hurts because i asked her if she wanted to CTB together and she said she wouldn't. As of now we're holding onto whatever this shitty life still has to offer but it's most definitely a struggle for the both of us. She thinks I'm trying to better my situation and I guess to an extent I am but some things are just out of my control and i still feel like no progress has been made.

 

[spectraltease]

Man, I think I cant do it fr. I really want to do it but I will try not to. I dont want to hurt her or even traumatize her. Im her first boyfriend, I don't want to end it like that.
Thanks for your anwser

I can relate in a sense. The only difference is my partner wants to CTB too. It hurts because i asked her if she wanted to CTB together and she said she wouldn't. As of now we're holding onto whatever this shitty life still has to offer but it's most definitely a struggle for the both of us. She thinks I'm trying to better my situation and I guess to an extent I am but some things are just out of my control and i still feel like no progress has been made.

I would ask my partner the same if she woule be suicidal. Do you know why she dosent want to ctb with you? if you dont mind.
Life has not much to say if you want to cbt, everything is just meaningless.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you even let on that you are deeply depressed? Do you think there is anything you could do to change how you feel? Do you know exactly why you feel like you do? Sorry for the bombardment of questions!

I think a lot of us here are in a similar position- holding off CTB so as not to hurt loved ones. For me- it's my Dad. I don't want to do that to him. I also think there's nothing he can do to help me- so, it doesn't feel right to tell him just how badly I feel- because he will only worry. For me, I just feel like I have to keep treading water.

I guess it really hinges on WHY you feel like you do- and whether she could do anything to help. If you think she can- maybe it would be worth breaking it to her that you're in a really bad place. Maybe not just HOW bad right now. But you could say you have been troubled by suicidal thoughts in the past.

Still- if you feel like you're Absolutely destined and determined to CTB- I'm not so sure there's anything you could say before that's going to make it easier- I think it may just worry her till you do it.

I don't think you're a bad person by the way. I think we all just get through life as best we can. That can involve forming relationships. It's just really unfortunate then when we find ourselves in this dark place. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide to do.

 

[sneakyninjapantalon]

This is pretty much my story too. I deeply love my gf and our relationship has been the thing that kept me going so far. We're a bit over 5 years together. I was ready last night but she staid home and I couldn't. My mind is set now, though, as I've come to a point that I can't take it anymore. Stay strong and if there's hope, just keep going.

 

[spectraltease]

Do you even let on that you are deeply depressed? Do you think there is anything you could do to change how you feel? Do you know exactly why you feel like you do? Sorry for the bombardment of questions!

I think a lot of us here are in a similar position- holding off CTB so as not to hurt loved ones. For me- it's my Dad. I don't want to do that to him. I also think there's nothing he can do to help me- so, it doesn't feel right to tell him just how badly I feel- because he will only worry. For me, I just feel like I have to keep treading water.

I guess it really hinges on WHY you feel like you do- and whether she could do anything to help. If you think she can- maybe it would be worth breaking it to her that you're in a really bad place. Maybe not just HOW bad right now. But you could say you have been troubled by suicidal thoughts in the past.

Still- if you feel like you're Absolutely destined and determined to CTB- I'm not so sure there's anything you could say before that's going to make it easier- I think it may just worry her till you do it.

I don't think you're a bad person by the way. I think we all just get through life as best we can. That can involve forming relationships. It's just really unfortunate then when we find ourselves in this dark place. I wish you all the best- whatever you decide to do.

Yeah I think I know why I feel like that but I cant change anything about it.
I try therapy this month, that could help. And it will be my first summer with her, maybe its my first good summer.
Thats why I want to survive till the summer. Right now im at my lowest in months, I feel so depressed and so so empty everyday, I cant handle it for much longer.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

This is me too. I love my wife so much and I don't want to hurt her. If I didn't have her I would be gone. She makes me have second thoughts about ctbing every single day. It's hard.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah I think I know why I feel like that but I cant change anything about it.
I try therapy this month, that could help. And it will be my first summer with her, maybe its my first good summer.
Thats why I want to survive till the summer. Right now im at my lowest in months, I feel so depressed and so so empty everyday, I cant handle it for much longer.

I REALLY hope the therapy helps. It's a good and brave step to take. I guess none of us really knows what lies ahead. I really hope things improve for you.

 

[spectraltease]

This is pretty much my story too. I deeply love my gf and our relationship has been the thing that kept me going so far. We're a bit over 5 years together. I was ready last night but she staid home and I couldn't. My mind is set now, though, as I've come to a point that I can't take it anymore. Stay strong and if there's hope, just keep going.

Thank you very much and yes, I understand you. I really cant take it much longer.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do think that unfortunately it would be very difficult to try to make someone who isn't suicidal themselves see things from your point of view. But anyway the way that I see it, deciding to ctb could never be wrong in any way no matter the circumstances, it's a personal decision when to free ourselves from an existence that we never even asked for in the first place. It does sound like a difficult situation to be in, but after all grief and loss are a part of life and are simply an inevitable consequence of bringing life here. We will all die and lose everything someday no matter what even if we don't ctb.

 

[Lifeless mindset]

Man, I think I cant do it fr. I really want to do it but I will try not to. I dont want to hurt her or even traumatize her. Im her first boyfriend, I don't want to end it like that.
Thanks for your anwser

I would ask my partner the same if she woule be suicidal. Do you know why she dosent want to ctb with you? if you dont mind.
Life has not much to say if you want to cbt, everything is just meaningless.

She said she didn't want to CTB with me because she didn't want to be involved in the pain my family would go through.