Venting want and don’t want to be remembered

[savoytruffle]

on the one hand i want to completely disappear from everyone's memory like i never existed. but a very selfish narcissistic part of me wants to go through with it mainly so i can be absolved of any criticism in people's minds. i completely messed up my life by never taking any initiative, never telling anybody about my broken brain and just letting wave after wave take me under, and now im trapped with no way out. anybody that knows me thinks of me as a failure. but not if im dead. then they can't say shit. then im just a tragedy

i have a very distinct thought of people i know finding out about my funeral and i wish i could see their faces when they do. i chose when my final day is gonna be and i only feel giddiness and relief with it coming up. im so tired i can't anymore, i feel like im gonna have a heart attack

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I'm not in anybodies thoughts because i'm viewed as a depressed loser who nobody wants around, so I doubt I'll be remembered when I've gone.
I don't want be remembered anyway, I don't see the point of remembering dead people, yet it would be kinda surreal if we could see people's faces at our funeral.