waking up and checking my empty text messages .·°՞(≧□≦)՞°·.

[monetpompo]

good morning!!!​

i'm still finding it very hard to cope with the fact that i can't seem to kill myself with anything besides hanging when i get so scared when i do it. i can't pass out from partial hanging so i'll pretty much always have to step off my stool until i get my license and can drive to a bridge downtown. every morning turns out the same where i feel guilty that i'm alive and reconsider overdosing on tylenol again even though i'd just go to the hospital and make my parents angry with me. it's cheaper to kill myself than end up in a ward again. it's just a waste of money if i could be dead instead. i just feel tired about feeling like a financial burden because i'm depressed and am at risk of going to the hospital all of the time because of my stupid urges. every day i think about hurting myself but then i think about how my parents would need to take me to the hospital if i didn't die. they would just be disappointed in me if i lived.

my period ended 2 days ago so my anguish is simmering down a bit compared to saturday. these past few days i've just been crying aimlessly and thinking about death. but i still feel so self conscious and lonely that it's hard for me to want to get out of my headspace, because it feels like my isolation is reinforcing my belief that i'm just not important to anyone. it's just kind of painful having nothing positive i can say to anyone. i know that i shouldn't talk to people if i'm just going to talk about being depressed or killing myself. no one needs or wants a person like me in their life, they just want me to talk to a suicide hotline or not have to worry about me because i'm not talking to them.

i feel like such a burden to everyone. i'm trapped in my head and i feel like no one wants to be my friend because i'm so boring. i know my personality still exists, but it feels like there's nothing behind my words anymore. it feels like i just became my depression and stopped being myself at one point. all i want to do is see this out and have it end rather than watch it keep going, because it makes me feel so pathetic. i feel like i'm on this site even when i'm not thinking about it. i'm still trying to find an excuse to not hang myself, but i know i won't find it no matter how much i try to find it. yesterday night i thought about stabbing myself. realized i'd just go to the hospital if i did that. sometimes i think feeling so desperate for a way to die is what's killing me, and my suicide is the only thing people on the outside will see. it'll be the last part of this torturous process.

i wish i didn't still think about my best friend in the morning. i only hurt him by talking about how i want to kill myself. it doesn't matter if he was the closest person in my life anymore, because he doesn't want to listen to me talk about how depressed i am. it's all i think about anymore. i don't care about anything else. i don't want to bum him out and keep talking about how lonely i feel without him here with me. i think that he must regret still letting me talk to him for so long. he expects me to go back to the way things were when i've only gotten more depressed. i can't really be happy for his own happiness because i can't see my life beyond the next hour. sometimes my first thought after waking up is attempting hanging in my closet, but i know that only makes me cry when i try to do it. the guilt of still being here will eat me alive eventually. i miss my friend but i can't be who i used to be anymore.

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

I know that feeling very well. Do you also wake up, check your 3-4 apps, see that theres nothing exciting and then ask yourself: "should I just continue sleeping?"

 

[-Link-]

it's just kind of painful having nothing positive i can say to anyone.

Sometimes it's not so much in what you say as it is in the presence you have with them.

For instance, what general effect do you think you have on people on the forum here? Positive? Negative? Neutral? To me, you have a warm presence here. Are your words negative? Do you do more venting than supporting? I wouldn't know the answers to those questions because that's not how I vibe with other members here. But what I have registered is that you strike me as a warm, positive presence here.

If your friend or anyone else in your life can't/won't engage you amidst your depression, that is much more a reflection on them than it is on you. It certainly affects you, yes. But their inability to be there for you in a way that you need, isn't your fault. Maybe they're dealing with too much of their own stress, maybe they were raised in a way where emotions aren't meant to be talked about, maybe they're worried about having a worsening effect on you, maybe they don't have faith in their own ability to be emotionally supportive, maybe they're a fair weather friend, etc.

But to think of yourself as a burden in the situation (as natural as it is to feel this way -- surely I relate to this as well) is to take personal responsibility for another person's shortcomings. You have enough of your own problems, I'm sure, without taking ownership of someone else's as well.

This isn't to totally absolve you of potential negative effects on another person. Ideally you always want to be mindful of the give-and-take balance in any relationship. But I get the sense that a lot of people here (self included, and perhaps you too) take more ownership in that balance than what's actually fair for ourselves given the reality.

i don't want to bum him out and keep talking about how lonely i feel without him here with me. i think that he must regret still letting me talk to him for so long. he expects me to go back to the way things were when i've only gotten more depressed.

In those conversations with your friend, I'm wondering what kind of position he's in, as far as whether he knows what to do or say, or how to best support you. Generally speaking, if you're in a bad mental space and want to talk to a friend about it, and assuming that friend is inexperienced with mental illness or lacking knowledge about navigating those challenges, then they could probably use some guidance on how to best meet your needs. "Helping them, help you."

Maybe you just need them to be present with you (eg. "no talking necessary"). Or a listening ear without judgement. Or maybe they could help just by talking to you about something ("something, anything") just so that you feel less alone. Or maybe you'd like their feedback or advice. Or maybe you'd like their help in engaging the healthcare system. There would be a wide spectrum of possibilities, and someone who's inexperienced with mental illness may not even know what that spectrum looks like at all, much less have any sense of what the other person might need of them. Also, if your needs are on the low end of this spectrum, then you may do well to specifically tell them what you're not looking for (eg. "support without advice"; "advice without expectations").

I don't know if that applies at all in your situation, or how helpful or fruitful it would be -- that's just something that came to mind as I read what you shared here.

One way or another, I do hope for you that you and your friend reconnect. Wishing you well with this.