WAITING TO DIE

[StarryStarry]

It's me again. I'm sure you're getting tired of me. I'm getting tired of me. I feel like the kid who cried wolf so many times. I wish I could just go to sleep and have a heart attack and not wake up. I'm at a point where I see Sweet Pea and am grateful she is 13 years old and won't live much longer. You see that is who I'm living for - my previous little girl. She has been with me 12 1/2 years - through thick and thin - through all my mistakes, through all my tears. I have no one else. Don't feel sorry for me. I've pushed people away with my depression and suicidal thoughts. No one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. I've cried so many tears in my life I should have drown long ago. So here I am I thought moving would give me a new beginning. I would make friends and have a happier life. But regrettably I feel as if I'm living ground hog's day over and over again. I don't like my job (dealing with evictions and foreclosures) I don't have the heart for it. The person (and I use that term loosely) I work for has expectations I can't meet. New type of law, new laws, new computer system. All new, but she expects me to know everything already. I live in an apartment complex with a bunch of crazy ass old people who constantly tell me how to close my door, close my cupboards, not to flush the cat litter down the toilet (who the hell does this?). I can't stand it. The office manager is a total bitch who is nothing less than a bitch. So now I am up to my eyeballs in debt, broke and unhappy. I took off today. I just couldn't go in. Every time I close my eyes I dream of not waking up. All I think about anymore is dying. I'm so alone but as the weather gets hotter it will be easier for me to drive into the desert and die of dehydration (after Sweet Pea leaves). I'll be close to my little girl and will have my ashes strewn in the desert. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I get up, go to work, get abused verbally, come home, go to bed and do it all again then the weekend comes and I sleep as much as I can. I just can't deal with the world anymore. Thank you for listening.

 

[issei123]

It's me again. I'm sure you're getting tired of me. I'm getting tired of me. I feel like the kid who cried wolf so many times. I wish I could just go to sleep and have a heart attack and not wake up. I'm at a point where I see Sweet Pea and am grateful she is 13 years old and won't live much longer. You see that is who I'm living for - my previous little girl. She has been with me 12 1/2 years - through thick and thin - through all my mistakes, through all my tears. I have no one else. Don't feel sorry for me. I've pushed people away with my depression and suicidal thoughts. No one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. I've cried so many tears in my life I should have drown long ago. So here I am I thought moving would give me a new beginning. I would make friends and have a happier life. But regrettably I feel as if I'm living ground hog's day over and over again. I don't like my job (dealing with evictions and foreclosures) I don't have the heart for it. The person (and I use that term loosely) I work for has expectations I can't meet. New type of law, new laws, new computer system. All new, but she expects me to know everything already. I live in an apartment complex with a bunch of crazy ass old people who constantly tell me how to close my door, close my cupboards, not to flush the cat litter down the toilet (who the hell does this?). I can't stand it. The office manager is a total bitch who is nothing less than a bitch. So now I am up to my eyeballs in debt, broke and unhappy. I took off today. I just couldn't go in. Every time I close my eyes I dream of not waking up. All I think about anymore is dying. I'm so alone but as the weather gets hotter it will be easier for me to drive into the desert and die of dehydration (after Sweet Pea leaves). I'll be close to my little girl and will have my ashes strewn in the desert. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I get up, go to work, get abused verbally, come home, go to bed and do it all again then the weekend comes and I sleep as much as I can. I just can't deal with the world anymore. Thank you for listening.

i hope you find peace

 

[Lullaby]

If you feel like you're being a bother, you're not! You can vent as much as you want and everyone will understand, we're all struggling everyday and we come here for comfort. You're not alone.

You've been through a lot and you're still going battling. I'm really sorry things have been so difficult, I know how you're feeling and it's the absolute worst. Like a nightmare you keep waking up into every day.

I really wish it wasn't like this for some of us, I really wish it wasn't. Really wishing the best for you and Sweet Pea.

 

[StarryStarry]

If you feel like you're being a bother, you're not! You can vent as much as you want and everyone will understand, we're all struggling everyday and we come here for comfort. You're not alone.

You've been through a lot and you're still going battling. I'm really sorry things have been so difficult, I know how you're feeling and it's the absolute worst. Like a nightmare you keep waking up into every day.

I really wish it wasn't like this for some of us, I really wish it wasn't. Really wishing the best for you and Sweet Pea.

THANK YOU.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I'm sorry that nothing seems to work. You deserved a little luck. I love your relationship with sweet pea. I also have a cat who is turning 15 and she is everything to me. I think animals are the best thing in this world. Could you change jobs? And go live somewhere else? Or you can't do it right now because of money issues? Anyway, I really wish you the best and that somehow things get better for you.

 

[Huntfish34]

Fck,. I wish I had something more constructive to tell you. I can't relate to Everything,. But on a Lot of levels I can understand.

Bless you,. Always and forever with whatever may happen.

 

[Red Scare]

Thank you for being there for Sweet Pea. Animals give us so much. When my partner died all I wanted to do was leave, but we had our cat that I was left to care for on my own. Out of desperation I questioned whether or not to try and find her another home. I'm so glad that I didn't. She would only live another 8 months, at the beginning of March she passed way at 18 years old. As much as I wanted to join my husband, I wouldn't have traded those last few months for anything. I able to spend that time comforting her, caring for her. She was also grieving the loss of my partner too, we raised her from a kitten. There was no way I could just leave her with someone else. I owed it to her to stick around and care for her as long as it took. I miss them both every day. With nothing else to keep me here, I'm ready to come home to them.

 

[thedaywillcome]

For me its WANTING not waiting

 

[Pluto]

 

[rationaltake]

I'm sorry your life is awful. So is mine. You've made a big effort. Moving and starting a new job. That takes a lot. I live in a similar sort of place to yours. I hate it and try to avoid the neighbours. I wish life wasn't like this for you and me and lots of others.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been suffering for a long time. This life is just so depressing and I know it is awful when everyday is very miserable. I also wish to fall asleep and never wake, it sounds so peaceful to never experience anything ever again. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[StarryStarry]

Thank you for being there for Sweet Pea. Animals give us so much. When my partner died all I wanted to do was leave, but we had our cat that I was left to care for on my own. Out of desperation I questioned whether or not to try and find her another home. I'm so glad that I didn't. She would only live another 8 months, at the beginning of March she passed way at 18 years old. As much as I wanted to join my husband, I wouldn't have traded those last few months for anything. I able to spend that time comforting her, caring for her. She was also grieving the loss of my partner too, we raised her from a kitten. There was no way I could just leave her with someone else. I owed it to her to stick around and care for her as long as it took. I miss them both every day. With nothing else to keep me here, I'm ready to come home to them.

Exactly the way I feel. Just waiting for Sweet Pea to take her last breathe. I love her more than anything in the world. When she goes I go.