Story Vipassana 10-day course post-mortem. Advice appreciated.

[latte art]

(Firstly, sorry if this is tagged incorrectly. Please let me know if so. It's a mixture of help, story, and venting.)

My life has been going downhill (self isolating, suicidal thoughts) since going to my second 10 day vipassana meditation course when on bad terms with a friend, and I'm looking for a way upwards. Any advice or shared experience is much appreciated.

My friend had an issue with me that they were unwilling to discuss and resolve, and ultimately declined a way forward in our friendship. Unfortunately the timing of this happened days before my course. Because there was no way forward and I was ready to leave it as-is, I thought it was resolved enough to safely go to the retreat, but I was wrong. At the retreat I was a bit avoidant with other meditators, and in the depths of it I couldn't stop thinking about the unresolvable issue with my friend, and I got uncontrollably angry that my friend had left me with no way forward. (My body was calm, and I remained silent, but I couldn't relax my face at times). Another meditator must have noticed and taken this personally, because they returned my expression with some hostility afterwards, and with some processing later I ended up apologising to them. That apology took a lot of strength and gave me the ability to move on from the unresolved problem with my friend, as it enabled me to notice some subtle flaws of mine that allowed me to forgive them. It also enabled me to not be so controlled by the actions of others. On this point, the experience left me quite apologetic, sensitive and avoidant.

After the retreat I apologised to friends for subtle things I noticed about my behavior through my experience at the retreat, and tried to make amends with the aforementioned friend. This so-called friend maintained a level of superiority and hurt me again, to which I've drawn the line and cut off my interactions with them.

I have controlling parents, and I noticed that most (if not all) of my friends are controlling as well and don't really care about me except where I benefit them. It's conditional love. I've come to hate control. I've noticed that I can be similar as well and am trying to improve this about myself (by, for example, offering to help my remaining friends with things or bringing things to share without asking).

I've now reduced or cut off interactions with most of the people in my life. I only interact with family and some odd friends infrequently now. The isolation had me lonely and fraught with mental images of ways I might die. Thankfully I started feeling good again when I hung out with some of my remaining friends. Unfortunately through that I've noticed controlling behaviour in them too -- putting me on the spot, saying things that make me look bad when we are in a public crowded place, not responding to my messages, suggesting they will hang out only if I travel to them, etc. -- These minor betrayals have been met with further emotional pain and suicidal mental imagery on my part, and I've basically started distancing myself from them as well, though not as distinctly yet.

An undercurrent to this whole thing is that I've been out of work for a while, while I pursue a fleeting dream, and have just about ran out of money and realised it's too much work for me to achieve as things are, so I suppose the combination of financial, social and fulfilment stress / issues have put me in a pretty hopeless place. It has become easy for me to feel like I have nothing going for me anymore, and this makes the suicidal mental imagery flash by.

Any thoughts, advice or experiences are much appreciated.

 

[Pluto]

I relate to having an unresolved issue with a friend. It happened some time ago now, yet remains a source of very dark thoughts on a daily basis. Whether or not I ultimately survive much longer, I want to be in a state of freedom from this situation.

What I am trying to do at the moment is to find the bigger picture perspective. If the goal of advanced meditation is to find and weed out the not-self, interpersonal conflicts which bring out the full fury of 'me' are the perfect teaching. A disguised blessing. In relation to the betrayal, I watch as my ego protests the outcome. It repeats the story of maltreatment, it laments having trusted the untrustworthy, it curses the injustice, it is overwhelmed by shame for its role, it yearns for a positive resolution... this goes on and on.

Now I ask myself, do I want to leave this lifetime carrying the baggage of anger at people from the past? Do I want to be reborn and continue the tit-for-tat dramas until hopefully there is peace in a future lifetime? If not, the only way forward is complete erasure; wishing well for all concerned, giving up the desire for 'justice', discarding my preferences for how others should behave and embracing the resulting void in my identity.

I don't know if this has made any sense at all. I just thought I'd chime in since your situation reminded me of mine.

 

[latte art]

I relate to having an unresolved issue with a friend. It happened some time ago now, yet remains a source of very dark thoughts on a daily basis. Whether or not I ultimately survive much longer, I want to be in a state of freedom from this situation.

What I am trying to do at the moment is to find the bigger picture perspective. If the goal of advanced meditation is to find and weed out the not-self, interpersonal conflicts which bring out the full fury of 'me' are the perfect teaching. A disguised blessing. In relation to the betrayal, I watch as my ego protests the outcome. It repeats the story of maltreatment, it laments having trusted the untrustworthy, it curses the injustice, it is overwhelmed by shame for its role, it yearns for a positive resolution... this goes on and on.

Now I ask myself, do I want to leave this lifetime carrying the baggage of anger at people from the past? Do I want to be reborn and continue the tit-for-tat dramas until hopefully there is peace in a future lifetime? If not, the only way forward is complete erasure; wishing well for all concerned, giving up the desire for 'justice', discarding my preferences for how others should behave and embracing the resulting void in my identity.

I don't know if this has made any sense at all. I just thought I'd chime in since your situation reminded me of mine.

Thanks for sharing, your response is pretty insightful. It's sad that you're going through some unresolved friendship issues, too. I hope you find freedom soon.

You've brought up some pretty good points. Firstly, this is probably a blessing in disguise, and there's something to learn and grow from here. It's an interesting idea that interpersonal conflicts are sources of identifying the "not-self" which should be lifted. Is this what you mean by finding the bigger picture perspective? I think your explanation of the ego protesting the outcome is pretty much what's happening to me.

Thankfully I've moved past tit-for-tat drama and enforcing justice, or at least am conscious of my part in it and want it to stop. The distancing is more about preserving myself - I'm avoiding the pain I anticipate through remaining in contact. Huh... "preserving myself", "avoiding pain". Perhaps this is a clinging to the ego after all... I like your suggestions for complete erasure (I assume of the not-self?). I think that pretty much sums up how I should move forward.

Was this a Goenka retreat?

Yeah. My first time was amazing, so I understand why they have an in-depth screening process now.