violetforever
Mage
- Dec 24, 2025
- 540
i have an internship opportunity i was going to do but then i ignored when they emailed back because im suicidal and stupid. they emailed me again though. i hate myself for second guessing things and then inconveniencing other peoples lives because i cant make my mind up on my own. i cant make decisions when i feel either ok or suicidal because they contradict themselves. unfortunately im thinking ok right now and considering going to the meeting. i might not even get it anyway. i probably wont since im so socially awkward and clueless. its just an internship after all. i dont have actual work experience with the career im studying so if i got it i could see if it improves how i feel about life and school. im just about ready to give up on everything including school (again) and ctb. maybe i should actually try to do normal things like normal people with normal lives instead of staying in my room and daydreaming myself to tears. part of the reason im so fucked up is the isolation that forces me to be around my family that i hate and only wish to get away from. im aware of that. this along with already being in school will get me out of the house more. i dont know how to live a healthy balanced life but maybe im really not too old to try. i feel like im going to wake up tomorrow and regret all of this when i slip back into suicidal thoughts. even right now i barely believe im saying this.
