Story Vicious spiral - pointless life

[Soylent]

Hello,

Sorry for the sad story / rant … and for my writing. I'm very weak and English is not my native tongue.

Since 8 months I live in pure agony. I was a happy dude, very fit and had a lot of hope for the futur and lots of projects. It all start with a breakup and a car accident, then I had an injury in the gym and develop neck/shoulder/arms issues.

I completely went crazy because I couldn't do the thing I love in life. Then, I took to much Benzo and sleeping pills and fall down the stairs one night, and injured my lower back. My body started to decompose because of lack of activity, did not want to live anymore. I was barely eating, did not go out except for groceries. Spend all the summer inside my flat, could not sleep because of the chronic pain. Ex I still love came back to me saying she lost a baby who was mine after the breakup but did not have the courage to tell me before that, knowing that is killing me.

I tried to commit suicide by jumping in late August … drove 500km to the highest place in Europe but could not do it.

Since then my life consist of watching TV I don't enjoy, laying in bed all day, eating benzo & strong Pain killer when I have some just to numb the physical / emotional pain.

I'm so angry at life, I lost my purpose. I lost everything. I'm letting myself rote in my flat. Since 10 day I have drink like 15 bottles of whine and 3/4 bottles of rhum just to pass the time and feel nothing and now I have gastritis or some inflammation in my stomach. I'm literally a junky right now, in pain from toes to head and I hate life. I'm usually someone who take great care of my flat, belonging and myself but now I fucking don't care anymore.

I was a very strong, good looking and happy man before and everything is shit right now because of how I reacted to the injuries/pain. I could have done better with the cards I had maybe, but now it's all done.

I can barely walk, I feel dizzy, my vision is blurry and I have pain everywhere for the fuck sack. I have told my family that I tried to commit suicide, they are all angry at me, saying that I need to find a new purpose in life, in my job or somewhere else BUT I don't want to !! I want my life back … but I can't !

I tried a new job (somewhat a job made for me in a gym) but it was to difficult …

I'm to weak to drive back to the place I wanted to jump and even if I was there right now I know I could not make it because I'm scare of the pain, the after for my family and what will happen to them.

You know when you see a horse in western movie and they shot him in the head if he can't ride anymore. I feel the same for me.. I should have done it in late august. I have waisted time and energy for nothing except pain / lack of sleep.

Thank you for reading me.

 

[carac]

In my amateur opinion, you went through some extreme mental trauma, then you went through some physical trauma that should have healed by now. The reason it hasn't is because of what is happening mentally, you need to address this. Think about your pain, is it worse when something mentally triggering is going on, does not being able to do the things you want to do make you anxious? Your physical pain is real and the origins are real but it is being exacerbated and prolonged by not resolving the battle and frustrations in your head

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so horrible what you've been through, I just find it so incredibly hellish how there's no limit as to how much people can suffer in this existence, it's just too cruel.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Welcome to the forum.
Sorry you've been through such a dreadful time.
I can relate on some level.
I fucked my knees and hip up after a very nasty mountain bike crash.
I've never been the same since.

 

[Soylent]

In my amateur opinion, you went through some extreme mental trauma, then you went through some physical trauma that should have healed by now. The reason it hasn't is because of what is happening mentally, you need to address this. Think about your pain, is it worse when something mentally triggering is going on, does not being able to do the things you want to do make you anxious? Your physical pain is real and the origins are real but it is being exacerbated and prolonged by not resolving the battle and frustrations in your head

I have tried to go that route, even searching about TMS or asking myself is it the chicken or the eggs but I had 3 physical traumas this year. The thing is I already had a condition (chronic back pain) before and made it through with a lot of work, therapy and such after months of seeking the cause of what I was in pain.

It was a similar situation (breakup, no job, alone, chronic pain) and boy it was hard, very traumatic for me. So you are right I lived in pure frustrationI because it's like I have done all the past efforts for nothing.

My past condition is worse and I have some new one on top of that, nerves pain, sensitives and motor problems. I can't bear the state of my body. I know it will be a shitty life, not the one I wanted … I can't sleep, relax or enjoy things. I don't have the strength, not anymore. My past lifestyle (sport, outdoor activity) was also a way to cope with a childhood trauma and without it I'm in hell.

That must be so horrible what you've been through, I just find it so incredibly hellish how there's no limit as to how much people can suffer in this existence, it's just too cruel.

Well I did not tell you all the others things I have like massive tinnitus, auto-immune disease and such. I thought I had enough before my life changed for the worst. In fact I was happy with my life because I could still live a good life. But now … not so much. I have cried a lot, shout my anger like a dam foul. Now I am like « what the point ? » and just scare of killing myself because of pain, the judgement of others, things not in order, family and friend.

Welcome to the forum.
Sorry you've been through such a dreadful time.
I can relate on some level.
I fucked my knees and hip up after a very nasty mountain bike crash.
I've never been the same since.

Thank you and sorry for your accident :(

 

[carac]

I have tried to go that route, even searching about TMS or asking myself is it the chicken or the eggs but I had 3 physical traumas this year. The thing is I already had a condition (chronic back pain) before and made it through with a lot of work, therapy and such after months of seeking the cause of what I was in pain.

It was a similar situation (breakup, no job, alone, chronic pain) and boy it was hard, very traumatic for me. So you are right I lived in pure frustrationI because it's like I have done all the past efforts for nothing.

My past condition is worse and I have some new one on top of that, nerves pain, sensitives and motor problems. I can't bear the state of my body. I know it will be a shitty life, not the one I wanted … I can't sleep, relax or enjoy things. I don't have the strength, not anymore. My past lifestyle (sport, outdoor activity) was also a way to cope with a childhood trauma and without it I'm in hell.

That's cool that you already know about TMS and have worked at it, that shit gave me my life back. I went from being almost bedbound in constant pain to living a full and active life. Obviously you need to make sure you havent got anything else going on and be cleared by a doctor. Have you tried reading Healing Back Pain by Dr Sarno? That's was what really reached me and convinced me I could heal. You can get a free audio copy on youtube or I can send you a link if you can't find it.

Added; Also some of those symtoms you mentioned such as never pain, sensitivity and not being able to sleep could be related to medication. Have you started or stopped taking anti deppressants or anything like that?

 

[Soylent]

I hate my life so fucking much. I have drive 3000km in the last days in the night after work, drinking energy drinks after energy drinks to stay awake. I find peace when I drive to my jumping place but always chicken out a couple of kilometers from it. FFS this is torture … today after a sleepless night in my bed I went to my parents house, asking for meds and I have drink alcohol behind their back just to numb my feeling. This is not me !!! I used to wake up early and do sport, not drinking any sort of alcohol. staying active all day and enjoying life. Now it's a fucking shit show every minutes of it. I have express my feeling to some close relatives but what the point, they can't take my physical pain away. I'm not lazy, if I did not had the pain I would have not be in this fucking place. I would live a happy life with up and down like every one else but not this freaking tourment … When I had troubles, I always ressort on my sport to stay in control of my body, futur, goals. Now I want to scream, to let go my anger … haaaaaaaa I HATE THE WAY I AM NOW AND MY FUCKING FUTUR ! If only it was just mental illness I would have moove my ass to be better but what the point of living a life that will get worst and wort !!!!

Ps: sorry if my langage is not tolerate in the forum, but I can't hold it anymore.

 

[Soylent]

My car is fucked up … because of all the back and forth I have done in the last couples of months. I can't go to my place anymore and the only one here are 30/35m in height. I don't think it's worth the risk. There is a couples of news on google who say that some people had success on those place but when I go there I don't feel « secure ».