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AAE

AAE

Member
Mar 28, 2024
9
First of all: Thanks for existing. Mass media calls it "controversial" to discuss death, the only thing we know 100% sure we'll encounter sooner or later.

Short version / Introduction:

39 year old Swedish guy suffering an awful amount of physical and mental disabilities and illnesses, being tortured with extreme noise and smoke from neighbors almost 24/7, all this for many years and having lost my best friend and other half, the only person who loves me, my dear mother I suffer from complex grief, exhaustion disorder and hypersomnia which nobody cares about. Sweden is a dystopia, "society" is indifferent and they never help people like me. I suffer on such an extreme level daily and nightly that I need a plan to CTB. I will lose my "home" march-april 2025 and really need a plan before then because miracles don't happen, only more suffering, endlessly. Please don't question the situation in my country. It's presented as great in mass media while we're tens if not hundreds of thousands who suffer without help and suicide rates are higher than ever because of this.

So far this is the list of what I can think of that I suffer from:

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobile type (hEDS)
Atypical autism
Asthma and allergies
Highly sensitive
Social phobia
Chronic stress
Stress dreams
Hypersomnia (Periodically)
Exhaustion disorder
Brain fog
Autistic exhaustion
Complicated grief
Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
Panic anxiety (Periodically)
Dysthymia (Chronic depression)
Delayed sleep phase disorder
Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV)
Hyperhidrosis (Excessive sweating)
Fistula which can never heal because of hEDS
Joint pain
Muscular pain
Stiffness
Swallowing issues
Dizziness
Tremor
Tinnitus
Hyperacusis
Misophonia
Phonophobia

(In Sweden they only care about "big diagnoses" so they'll never list all of these officially, only hEDS, autism and asthma/allergies.)

I use lots of medicines daily, including Sertraline, two types of Benzodiazepines, one of which I have to buy myself since doctors think one can "learn to cope" with extreme 24/7 noise and deny me a proper dosage, Antihistamines, Omeprazol for heartburn and a bunch of "lesser" medicines.

I am very tolerant to medicines and things usually require a double dose to have any effect on me.

I have a quite big amount of Alimemazine 20mg capsules left since I don't use sleeping pills anymore and I always split them in 8ths.
From mom I have some pills left that might be helpful or not: Morphine 10mg, 24 pills. Palexia Depot (Tapentadol) 50mg, 30 pills, Propranolol, 10mg, 9 pills.
I once tried one morphine pill for extreme back pain after having tried to work on a friend's laptop. The pill did nothing.

I bet I couldn't afford getting Nembuthal or similar but could any mix of these pills I have access to work?
I know I'd need to get a hold of antiemitics but I have no idea how.

I deserve to have a plan for a peaceful CTB in my bed, the only place where I still feel somewhat safe.





Long version:

I'm a 39 year old Swedish guy suffering multiple disabilities and illnesses. I lived together with my mother who suffered similarly. We only truly had each other left in this world which is why we stuck together. My father died in 2003 and since then it was mostly just me and mom. More and more people left us for dead over the years after that, especially when our health started to really decline in the 2010's.

My mother, who passed away at age 71 in Feb 2022 had Crohn's disease since her early 30's as well as problems with anxiety. She ended up full-time retired in her early 30's because of her health issues. (Sweden had a welfare / public health insurance system that still worked for mere mortals back then.) My father was a gambling addict but because of him being the love of her life she fought through the anxiety this caused as much as she could for many years. Other than that, he was a really good man and the best dad I could ever have wished for.

I was born with food allergies and was diagnosed with the usual bunch of asthma and allergies at the age of 3. Growing up I always knew something was "different" with me. Since mom was always at home, she taught me lots of things and I learned how to read and spell simple words before turning 2. I was always more sensitive in all my senses, leading to lots of pain but also noticing details others would miss. I was hypermobile and had elastic skin but I never ever questioned anything. I trusted my parents, my doctor and what I was taught in school. I've always believed in Jesus and still do but I usually call myself spiritual instead of Christian since I know it's up to God to judge whether I'm "Christian" or not.

I was always bullied in school. When I was a teenager I had a half-time trainee job at a youth center from 2001-2005. I could never work more than 4 hours a day without becoming exhausted but I never quite questioned it. It was in 2008 that I met a doctor who suspected I had a neuropsychological disorder. I went through a lot of tests of all my senses and similar things and was diagnosed with atypical autism in 2010. It explained my sensitivity and why I was thinking differently than others. This was also when I started to question things and find my own answers since I felt that I had never truly known myself.

In the early 2010's, me and my mother ran out of savings that we had left from dad as well as my mother's birth home having been sold in the early 2000's. In 2015 we couldn't afford having a car anymore. That was the year her retirement changed to be based on her age instead of health. She got way less money each month. Myself, I've been retired with doctor certificates since 2008 but never acknowledged as being full-time retired by the public health insurance, ending up with me only getting money through social security since then. (About the equivalent of $350 per month.)

Now that mom is gone I get about the equivalent of $1150 per month. They quit paying my full rent last summer saying I can easily find a cheaper apartment on my own (There are none and I'm too sick to move or handle seeking a home myself) and now they quit paying my monthly medical bills for my medicines which I need to survive. I will also have to try real pain medication since my physical pain has gotten a lot worse the last year but apparently the social office thinks it's not necessary, just like the rent. They say that I "should get my money from public health insurance", which is impossible. I can only stay here thanks to a friend who helps me with money.

It's quite the contrast when looking back in time. The early 1980's when my mother retired: Your doctor declares you unable to work and sends a certificate to the public health insurance who doesn't ask questions. Case settled. Mom and many, many others get the help and money they need to live a worthy life.

Today: 10 doctors, 10 specialists, 10 "work-therapists", 10 people at the employment office, lawyers, whatever, they all declare you unable to work for the rest of your life because of multiple diseases and disabilities. Public health insurance says "you have the right to apply for support". Public health insurance has their own "insurance-medical advisors" who are basically their lawyers. They straight up tell dying cancer patients, people who are unable to move or breathe on their own, you name it, they tell them this exact thing every time: "We conclude that your ability to work is not reduced by at least 25% when compared to the regular job market as well as the tailored job market." There are no frickin custom tailored jobs! Even healthy young people fresh out of a university can't get hired anywhere. Tens if not hundreds of thousands of swedes are getting declined for both sick leave and public health insurance. Countless suicides every year are caused by this. I kept fighting public health insurance, even with the help of a lawyer who used to work for them! This was when we still could afford it. Same thing. I'm 100% able to work, they say. Apparently I've been retired since 2008 just for fun. I've applied again for like the 7th or 8th time and I know what the answer will be after them taking months just to say no. If sending in an appeal afterwards, the authority who handles that always agrees with public health insurance.

There is a joke going around some forums in Sweden where they discuss the matter. It's a cartoon picture of a man standing beside the gravestone of a friend, saying: "You just got a letter from public health insurance; They say you have to work."

Anyway, during this mess, in 2015 our lives were about to be ruined. We have been living in the same apartment since 2000, and in the same neighborhood since I was born in 1984. (My mom since ca 1978.) We had always been happy here and said we'd keep living here until we die. Neighbors were friendly and we never had any troubles with anyone. Our home was our safe haven. I never want to have a family or kids or anything, just love but there's no love for me anymore after mom. Since I'm like a confused and scared child deep inside I'd probably want to be adopted by someone who could take care of me but such things don't exist either. Only animal shelters. Humans are "passively" killed instead.

Anyway, in the summer of 2015 our Swedish neighbors had started moving out one by one. Some were old and sick. Some died. Some were young and had children, needing something larger than an apartment. Or simply safer. Some didn't dare letting their kids play outside because they were bullied by the immigrants who had quickly become the majority of residents in the area. That summer, the young couple living in the apartment above us moved out and in came a family from wherever, who smoked the most foul-smelling cigarettes 24/7, indoors. Since I have allergies and asthma we had to seal all vents since the place was built in 1970 and we basically share air. I was depressed before but this was beyond horrible since according to one part in Sweden's National Law as well as the rental contract, someone renting an apartment is not allowed to do anything that causes health issues for those living next to them. Guess if the landlord cared. (They're owned by the city and can't be touched.) They directed us to what was said in 1970 when Swedes were still smoking indoors. "They are allowed to do it." "Get an air cleaner." "Use medicines." "Open the vents again." (?!) Smoking in the staircase is "forbidden" but of course they all did anyway. Landlord didn't care. We had to get help to better seal our door to the staircase.

My mother has always been a very social people-person and able to really talk to everyone and become friends with everyone. All previous neighbors trusted her 100%. But she was hated by them as soon as they set eyes upon her. Pleading for her son's life, they told her to "never talk to them again".

Then the landlord came with some "good news". "You'll be happy to hear they'll move out on Dec 1." I told mom we still don't know what we'll get. When the day came, a middle-eastern family moved in, the father smoking the same foul-smelling cigarettes as the previous family. That day I cried for the first time since before my father died. I lost my ability to cry when he died and after 12 years, this pain and depression just made me burst open in that way. Since then I've been crying almost every day.

Mom tried to become friends with them. I tried pleading to them myself despite it being insanely difficult for me to be social because of being autistic. They kept lying to us. Mom even convinced the landlord to plead to them and they lied to them too. Once I went up and the "dad" opened the door, I saw a giant waterpipe in the back with men sitting around it and lots of smoke in the air. At the same time he said: "We no smoke. Others smoke. Many living around." Then he closed the door.

The final blow came in the middle of December 2017. All of a sudden, they start walking with shoes indoors. They start stomping and stomping and stomping, throwing stuff around, moving furniture, slamming things into the walls and radiators, slamming the doors, screaming loudly. Almost 24/7. Guess what: The landlord couldn't care less. They told us to move. We, who had basically lived there for all our lives and never done anything wrong. The neighbors broke my mind in 3 weeks. Then I started to be awake only at night when it was just a little less loud. My mom was starting to get really depressed after half a year. For the first time in my life I wanted to kill myself and was truly planning how to do it. I had to raise the dose of my antidepressants x3 to get rid of the suicide thoughts, which also caused me to gain lots of weight. I'm heavier than ever but eating less than ever.

Out of the blue, another thing happened that made me understand myself and my whole life even more. A few years ago my electric shaver broke. I asked social security for a new one and they said: "It's not included in a decent life standard." Nothing is included in their "decent life standard" yet they live in luxury themselves. I searched online on "how to shave elastic skin". (Which I had to practice myself with cheaper razors later.) The first result was a picture of a hand with its fingers wrapped around on top of each other. I thought: "I can do that, but what does that have to do with elastic skin?" Under the picture it said "Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome".

I read up on the subject and found out that I'd always had a genetic disorder known as Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobile Type or hEDS. It causes collagen, the tissue supposed to be more "tight" in the entire body to be elastic as well as joints being more mobile. It explained why I could move in weird ways, bend joints more than others but also why I had increasing joint and back pain the recent years. It usually gets a lot worse in one's 30's with this type and it can affect all organs, basically all tissue.

I demanded to get a doctor's certificate about it and was tested by a local doctor who actually had some of the rare knowledge about it. Guess what: Then public health insurance said it's my autism that's the main issue, which they earlier stated wasn't. Everything to save money by letting the weak and poor suffer. At least I have explanations for almost everything now.

My mother also became weaker as the years passed. Some of her medicines plus the depression and other things made her lose weight. She fell a few times and ended up with a spinal compression and became slightly "hunchbacked". On her 70th birthday she had a stroke. She could only crawl on the floor. Thankfully the ambulance came after quite some wait and they took good care of her in the hospital. But she ended up "brain-tired" as they call it here. She was so weak as if she had aged 15 years in 1 year. She was still kinda sharp-minded but very tired. She couldn't do much and weren't able to stay up for long periods of time or she'd faint.

The smoking mostly disappeared when the "dad" above started working a few years ago. But the noises never stopped. It just got louder and louder. I managed to find earplugs that blocked low frequencies better than most. They didn't exist in Sweden so I have to order them from the US despite the fact that I can't truly afford it. I use them almost 24/7. The smoking came back when the son in the family turned 18...

We both had lots of pain, were extremely tired and exhausted so you probably understand why we couldn't "just move out". First of all, there is an extreme shortage of apartments in Sweden and second: Safer areas cost twice as much and the landlords all price them like that because they know Swedes escape from the chaos and crime in areas like ours and many are ready to pay for it.

I can at least proudly say that I've given my mom all the love that's in my heart for all the 37 years and 3 months I had with her.

I was born with chronic disabilities and illnesses which made her change her life, learn everything she had to and were always there to take care of me. When we lost my dad - who was also an amazing, loving person - to a sudden aortic rupture when I was only 18 years old we started growing closer than ever, taking care of each other, going through the grief together and coming out on the other end as what I can only describe as a unity. One soul split between two human beings. Seeing each other suffer so extremely just made us suffer even more.

Something happened to her stomach on Feb 14, 2022 which gave her extreme pain, an ambulance took her to the hospital and for almost two weeks she was there and the doctors - new doctor every day, all clueless - couldn't find out what was wrong, how to fix it, and when she passed away from having her lungs filled with water on Feb 25 the first thing they told me was that they wouldn't investigate it. Little did they know they had all met a real life angel. An angel who didn't deserve any pain or suffering, yet losing her destroyed the tiny hope and dreams I/we had left.

I was never meant to live alone, I can't properly handle it, and now that both my mental and physical health and grief keeps getting worse and worse, neighbors still torturing me with loud noises and smoke, "society" showed its true colors. They want to put me in some "care-home", the kind of boxes where they put elderly people to suffer and die alone while trying to make them think they're having a good life, crammed into a tiny space until they self-die. They don't give a single F about what I need because of my disabilities either. They say they do but for example, I've been tortured with loud noise around the clock since Dec 2017 and I'm suffering from exhaustion disorder and hypersomnia thanks to the severe trauma of always being stressed from it and having to use earplugs 24/7. The first "apartment" they offered me was in an even louder building with the personnel admitting it was very loud around there. I can't look for apartments or move on my own. I don't have many people around me, just a couple relatives who are also getting old and sick, and they can't do anything to help.

Seeing how people live in the world around me, how the general population are living without any kind of gratitude, spending tons of money on useless things, worrying about things like what they look like, what they wear... Meanwhile I have a 24/7 job to simply survive while in severe pain, grief, exhaustion…

Our greatest wish kept getting reduced year by year. Before mom passed away we only wished to be safe again. We dreamed about being able to get our own house, hire a housekeeper and whatever else we'd need to be able to start recovering and take care of each other again. We didn't care that it would take a miracle to make that financially possible, one is always allowed to have wishes and dreams no matter what "society" tells you. I kept wishing to pursue my two hobbies: PC (Gaming, photo/audio/video editing) and TV (Would've loved to see what movies look like in UHD HDR). Of course I'm not allowed to.

When I'm able to stay awake and take my meds and eat, I'm sometimes sitting at my PC I built in 2009 playing WoW and watching some movies and series to distract myself from the hellish reality I don't want to be a part of. I'm just half a person and the missing half hurts so much, the phantom pain is excruciating. I can't even wish for having a quality upgrade for my hobbies since social security considers a phone to be a phone, PC and TV in one. I was lucky to find a cheap modern phone before I lost mom. Social security only pay a 4th of the internet subscription too and they don't pay the phone sub.

My country - Sweden - still seems to have a reputation of being some kind of welfare heaven, which it was until the beginning of the 2000's or so when the government decided to start tearing it down. There are hundreds of thousands like me, they deny us all economic support from public health insurance telling us we're perfectly healthy and can work, when in reality the politicians ruling the remains of this country simply took the money away from public health insurance two decades ago. (They used it to lower the taxes for the richest.) All of the hundreds of thousands who stand without support are not counted by the Statistics Central Bureau, which means that Sweden keeps presenting a "rising health count". They've done that for two decades or more. We're just numbers to those who rule, numbers who are counted out just so they can have more money.

I may be worthless to their power and money-worshipping "society", I may be an unwanted outcast because I was born with disabilities I didn't ask for, they all think it's ok that I'm being tortured by insane neighbors every day and night and completely ignoring that it ruined mom's health as well as caused her premature death. I will never be allowed to pursue even my little hobbies because they count as "too expensive for a decent life standard", but they will never be able to kill my love or take away my memories of love. And I love my mom and dad. I never say "loved", because love never dies.

Even though in hindsight, I think even mom had some kind of autism spectrum related thing since she could get very angry out of nowhere and so could I, we had fights the last few years where I'd be really cruel, and she was the same in the past but thankfully we believe in forgiveness. I still feel a lot of guilt every now and then because of those fights which were truly caused by the stress of being tortured by the neighbors, but I feel that living over 2 years as "undead" has made me atone for that if such a thing exists. I've even had some very personal signs related to my faith that keeps telling me that it's ok that I can't stand living anymore and that I don't need to feel guilty for wanting to end it.

Most won't be able to read all of this but thanks again for existing and for letting me post this.
Thanks also for any suggestions. I really need an emergency plan.
 
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L

Lifeaffirmingchoice

deserved so much better
Mar 22, 2024
334
This is just truly devastating. I'm so sorry for your loss of your mother. I hope you find peace soon.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
35,287
That sounds really horrible what you are going through, it's certainly such a cruel existence where people suffer so unbearably, it sounds like you've suffered so much. But anyway I hope that you eventually find what you search for, best wishes.
 
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J

Jorms_McGander

Arcanist
Oct 17, 2023
478
First of all: Thanks for existing. Mass media calls it "controversial" to discuss death, the only thing we know 100% sure we'll encounter sooner or later.

Short version / Introduction:

39 year old Swedish guy suffering an awful amount of physical and mental disabilities and illnesses, being tortured with extreme noise and smoke from neighbors almost 24/7, all this for many years and having lost my best friend and other half, the only person who loves me, my dear mother I suffer from complex grief, exhaustion disorder and hypersomnia which nobody cares about. Sweden is a dystopia, "society" is indifferent and they never help people like me. I suffer on such an extreme level daily and nightly that I need a plan to CTB. I will lose my "home" march-april 2025 and really need a plan before then because miracles don't happen, only more suffering, endlessly. Please don't question the situation in my country. It's presented as great in mass media while we're tens if not hundreds of thousands who suffer without help and suicide rates are higher than ever because of this.

So far this is the list of what I can think of that I suffer from:

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobile type (hEDS)
Atypical autism
Asthma and allergies
Highly sensitive
Social phobia
Chronic stress
Stress dreams
Hypersomnia (Periodically)
Exhaustion disorder
Brain fog
Autistic exhaustion
Complicated grief
Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
Panic anxiety (Periodically)
Dysthymia (Chronic depression)
Delayed sleep phase disorder
Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV)
Hyperhidrosis (Excessive sweating)
Fistula which can never heal because of hEDS
Joint pain
Muscular pain
Stiffness
Swallowing issues
Dizziness
Tremor
Tinnitus
Hyperacusis
Misophonia
Phonophobia

(In Sweden they only care about "big diagnoses" so they'll never list all of these officially, only hEDS, autism and asthma/allergies.)

I use lots of medicines daily, including Sertraline, two types of Benzodiazepines, one of which I have to buy myself since doctors think one can "learn to cope" with extreme 24/7 noise and deny me a proper dosage, Antihistamines, Omeprazol for heartburn and a bunch of "lesser" medicines.

I am very tolerant to medicines and things usually require a double dose to have any effect on me.

I have a quite big amount of Alimemazine 20mg capsules left since I don't use sleeping pills anymore and I always split them in 8ths.
From mom I have some pills left that might be helpful or not: Morphine 10mg, 24 pills. Palexia Depot (Tapentadol) 50mg, 30 pills, Propranolol, 10mg, 9 pills.
I once tried one morphine pill for extreme back pain after having tried to work on a friend's laptop. The pill did nothing.

I bet I couldn't afford getting Nembuthal or similar but could any mix of these pills I have access to work?
I know I'd need to get a hold of antiemitics but I have no idea how.

I deserve to have a plan for a peaceful CTB in my bed, the only place where I still feel somewhat safe.





Long version:

I'm a 39 year old Swedish guy suffering multiple disabilities and illnesses. I lived together with my mother who suffered similarly. We only truly had each other left in this world which is why we stuck together. My father died in 2003 and since then it was mostly just me and mom. More and more people left us for dead over the years after that, especially when our health started to really decline in the 2010's.

My mother, who passed away at age 71 in Feb 2022 had Crohn's disease since her early 30's as well as problems with anxiety. She ended up full-time retired in her early 30's because of her health issues. (Sweden had a welfare / public health insurance system that still worked for mere mortals back then.) My father was a gambling addict but because of him being the love of her life she fought through the anxiety this caused as much as she could for many years. Other than that, he was a really good man and the best dad I could ever have wished for.

I was born with food allergies and was diagnosed with the usual bunch of asthma and allergies at the age of 3. Growing up I always knew something was "different" with me. Since mom was always at home, she taught me lots of things and I learned how to read and spell simple words before turning 2. I was always more sensitive in all my senses, leading to lots of pain but also noticing details others would miss. I was hypermobile and had elastic skin but I never ever questioned anything. I trusted my parents, my doctor and what I was taught in school. I've always believed in Jesus and still do but I usually call myself spiritual instead of Christian since I know it's up to God to judge whether I'm "Christian" or not.

I was always bullied in school. When I was a teenager I had a half-time trainee job at a youth center from 2001-2005. I could never work more than 4 hours a day without becoming exhausted but I never quite questioned it. It was in 2008 that I met a doctor who suspected I had a neuropsychological disorder. I went through a lot of tests of all my senses and similar things and was diagnosed with atypical autism in 2010. It explained my sensitivity and why I was thinking differently than others. This was also when I started to question things and find my own answers since I felt that I had never truly known myself.

In the early 2010's, me and my mother ran out of savings that we had left from dad as well as my mother's birth home having been sold in the early 2000's. In 2015 we couldn't afford having a car anymore. That was the year her retirement changed to be based on her age instead of health. She got way less money each month. Myself, I've been retired with doctor certificates since 2008 but never acknowledged as being full-time retired by the public health insurance, ending up with me only getting money through social security since then. (About the equivalent of $350 per month.)

Now that mom is gone I get about the equivalent of $1150 per month. They quit paying my full rent last summer saying I can easily find a cheaper apartment on my own (There are none and I'm too sick to move or handle seeking a home myself) and now they quit paying my monthly medical bills for my medicines which I need to survive. I will also have to try real pain medication since my physical pain has gotten a lot worse the last year but apparently the social office thinks it's not necessary, just like the rent. They say that I "should get my money from public health insurance", which is impossible. I can only stay here thanks to a friend who helps me with money.

It's quite the contrast when looking back in time. The early 1980's when my mother retired: Your doctor declares you unable to work and sends a certificate to the public health insurance who doesn't ask questions. Case settled. Mom and many, many others get the help and money they need to live a worthy life.

Today: 10 doctors, 10 specialists, 10 "work-therapists", 10 people at the employment office, lawyers, whatever, they all declare you unable to work for the rest of your life because of multiple diseases and disabilities. Public health insurance says "you have the right to apply for support". Public health insurance has their own "insurance-medical advisors" who are basically their lawyers. They straight up tell dying cancer patients, people who are unable to move or breathe on their own, you name it, they tell them this exact thing every time: "We conclude that your ability to work is not reduced by at least 25% when compared to the regular job market as well as the tailored job market." There are no frickin custom tailored jobs! Even healthy young people fresh out of a university can't get hired anywhere. Tens if not hundreds of thousands of swedes are getting declined for both sick leave and public health insurance. Countless suicides every year are caused by this. I kept fighting public health insurance, even with the help of a lawyer who used to work for them! This was when we still could afford it. Same thing. I'm 100% able to work, they say. Apparently I've been retired since 2008 just for fun. I've applied again for like the 7th or 8th time and I know what the answer will be after them taking months just to say no. If sending in an appeal afterwards, the authority who handles that always agrees with public health insurance.

There is a joke going around some forums in Sweden where they discuss the matter. It's a cartoon picture of a man standing beside the gravestone of a friend, saying: "You just got a letter from public health insurance; They say you have to work."

Anyway, during this mess, in 2015 our lives were about to be ruined. We have been living in the same apartment since 2000, and in the same neighborhood since I was born in 1984. (My mom since ca 1978.) We had always been happy here and said we'd keep living here until we die. Neighbors were friendly and we never had any troubles with anyone. Our home was our safe haven. I never want to have a family or kids or anything, just love but there's no love for me anymore after mom. Since I'm like a confused and scared child deep inside I'd probably want to be adopted by someone who could take care of me but such things don't exist either. Only animal shelters. Humans are "passively" killed instead.

Anyway, in the summer of 2015 our Swedish neighbors had started moving out one by one. Some were old and sick. Some died. Some were young and had children, needing something larger than an apartment. Or simply safer. Some didn't dare letting their kids play outside because they were bullied by the immigrants who had quickly become the majority of residents in the area. That summer, the young couple living in the apartment above us moved out and in came a family from wherever, who smoked the most foul-smelling cigarettes 24/7, indoors. Since I have allergies and asthma we had to seal all vents since the place was built in 1970 and we basically share air. I was depressed before but this was beyond horrible since according to one part in Sweden's National Law as well as the rental contract, someone renting an apartment is not allowed to do anything that causes health issues for those living next to them. Guess if the landlord cared. (They're owned by the city and can't be touched.) They directed us to what was said in 1970 when Swedes were still smoking indoors. "They are allowed to do it." "Get an air cleaner." "Use medicines." "Open the vents again." (?!) Smoking in the staircase is "forbidden" but of course they all did anyway. Landlord didn't care. We had to get help to better seal our door to the staircase.

My mother has always been a very social people-person and able to really talk to everyone and become friends with everyone. All previous neighbors trusted her 100%. But she was hated by them as soon as they set eyes upon her. Pleading for her son's life, they told her to "never talk to them again".

Then the landlord came with some "good news". "You'll be happy to hear they'll move out on Dec 1." I told mom we still don't know what we'll get. When the day came, a middle-eastern family moved in, the father smoking the same foul-smelling cigarettes as the previous family. That day I cried for the first time since before my father died. I lost my ability to cry when he died and after 12 years, this pain and depression just made me burst open in that way. Since then I've been crying almost every day.

Mom tried to become friends with them. I tried pleading to them myself despite it being insanely difficult for me to be social because of being autistic. They kept lying to us. Mom even convinced the landlord to plead to them and they lied to them too. Once I went up and the "dad" opened the door, I saw a giant waterpipe in the back with men sitting around it and lots of smoke in the air. At the same time he said: "We no smoke. Others smoke. Many living around." Then he closed the door.

The final blow came in the middle of December 2017. All of a sudden, they start walking with shoes indoors. They start stomping and stomping and stomping, throwing stuff around, moving furniture, slamming things into the walls and radiators, slamming the doors, screaming loudly. Almost 24/7. Guess what: The landlord couldn't care less. They told us to move. We, who had basically lived there for all our lives and never done anything wrong. The neighbors broke my mind in 3 weeks. Then I started to be awake only at night when it was just a little less loud. My mom was starting to get really depressed after half a year. For the first time in my life I wanted to kill myself and was truly planning how to do it. I had to raise the dose of my antidepressants x3 to get rid of the suicide thoughts, which also caused me to gain lots of weight. I'm heavier than ever but eating less than ever.

Out of the blue, another thing happened that made me understand myself and my whole life even more. A few years ago my electric shaver broke. I asked social security for a new one and they said: "It's not included in a decent life standard." Nothing is included in their "decent life standard" yet they live in luxury themselves. I searched online on "how to shave elastic skin". (Which I had to practice myself with cheaper razors later.) The first result was a picture of a hand with its fingers wrapped around on top of each other. I thought: "I can do that, but what does that have to do with elastic skin?" Under the picture it said "Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome".

I read up on the subject and found out that I'd always had a genetic disorder known as Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobile Type or hEDS. It causes collagen, the tissue supposed to be more "tight" in the entire body to be elastic as well as joints being more mobile. It explained why I could move in weird ways, bend joints more than others but also why I had increasing joint and back pain the recent years. It usually gets a lot worse in one's 30's with this type and it can affect all organs, basically all tissue.

I demanded to get a doctor's certificate about it and was tested by a local doctor who actually had some of the rare knowledge about it. Guess what: Then public health insurance said it's my autism that's the main issue, which they earlier stated wasn't. Everything to save money by letting the weak and poor suffer. At least I have explanations for almost everything now.

My mother also became weaker as the years passed. Some of her medicines plus the depression and other things made her lose weight. She fell a few times and ended up with a spinal compression and became slightly "hunchbacked". On her 70th birthday she had a stroke. She could only crawl on the floor. Thankfully the ambulance came after quite some wait and they took good care of her in the hospital. But she ended up "brain-tired" as they call it here. She was so weak as if she had aged 15 years in 1 year. She was still kinda sharp-minded but very tired. She couldn't do much and weren't able to stay up for long periods of time or she'd faint.

The smoking mostly disappeared when the "dad" above started working a few years ago. But the noises never stopped. It just got louder and louder. I managed to find earplugs that blocked low frequencies better than most. They didn't exist in Sweden so I have to order them from the US despite the fact that I can't truly afford it. I use them almost 24/7. The smoking came back when the son in the family turned 18...

We both had lots of pain, were extremely tired and exhausted so you probably understand why we couldn't "just move out". First of all, there is an extreme shortage of apartments in Sweden and second: Safer areas cost twice as much and the landlords all price them like that because they know Swedes escape from the chaos and crime in areas like ours and many are ready to pay for it.

I can at least proudly say that I've given my mom all the love that's in my heart for all the 37 years and 3 months I had with her.

I was born with chronic disabilities and illnesses which made her change her life, learn everything she had to and were always there to take care of me. When we lost my dad - who was also an amazing, loving person - to a sudden aortic rupture when I was only 18 years old we started growing closer than ever, taking care of each other, going through the grief together and coming out on the other end as what I can only describe as a unity. One soul split between two human beings. Seeing each other suffer so extremely just made us suffer even more.

Something happened to her stomach on Feb 14, 2022 which gave her extreme pain, an ambulance took her to the hospital and for almost two weeks she was there and the doctors - new doctor every day, all clueless - couldn't find out what was wrong, how to fix it, and when she passed away from having her lungs filled with water on Feb 25 the first thing they told me was that they wouldn't investigate it. Little did they know they had all met a real life angel. An angel who didn't deserve any pain or suffering, yet losing her destroyed the tiny hope and dreams I/we had left.

I was never meant to live alone, I can't properly handle it, and now that both my mental and physical health and grief keeps getting worse and worse, neighbors still torturing me with loud noises and smoke, "society" showed its true colors. They want to put me in some "care-home", the kind of boxes where they put elderly people to suffer and die alone while trying to make them think they're having a good life, crammed into a tiny space until they self-die. They don't give a single F about what I need because of my disabilities either. They say they do but for example, I've been tortured with loud noise around the clock since Dec 2017 and I'm suffering from exhaustion disorder and hypersomnia thanks to the severe trauma of always being stressed from it and having to use earplugs 24/7. The first "apartment" they offered me was in an even louder building with the personnel admitting it was very loud around there. I can't look for apartments or move on my own. I don't have many people around me, just a couple relatives who are also getting old and sick, and they can't do anything to help.

Seeing how people live in the world around me, how the general population are living without any kind of gratitude, spending tons of money on useless things, worrying about things like what they look like, what they wear... Meanwhile I have a 24/7 job to simply survive while in severe pain, grief, exhaustion…

Our greatest wish kept getting reduced year by year. Before mom passed away we only wished to be safe again. We dreamed about being able to get our own house, hire a housekeeper and whatever else we'd need to be able to start recovering and take care of each other again. We didn't care that it would take a miracle to make that financially possible, one is always allowed to have wishes and dreams no matter what "society" tells you. I kept wishing to pursue my two hobbies: PC (Gaming, photo/audio/video editing) and TV (Would've loved to see what movies look like in UHD HDR). Of course I'm not allowed to.

When I'm able to stay awake and take my meds and eat, I'm sometimes sitting at my PC I built in 2009 playing WoW and watching some movies and series to distract myself from the hellish reality I don't want to be a part of. I'm just half a person and the missing half hurts so much, the phantom pain is excruciating. I can't even wish for having a quality upgrade for my hobbies since social security considers a phone to be a phone, PC and TV in one. I was lucky to find a cheap modern phone before I lost mom. Social security only pay a 4th of the internet subscription too and they don't pay the phone sub.

My country - Sweden - still seems to have a reputation of being some kind of welfare heaven, which it was until the beginning of the 2000's or so when the government decided to start tearing it down. There are hundreds of thousands like me, they deny us all economic support from public health insurance telling us we're perfectly healthy and can work, when in reality the politicians ruling the remains of this country simply took the money away from public health insurance two decades ago. (They used it to lower the taxes for the richest.) All of the hundreds of thousands who stand without support are not counted by the Statistics Central Bureau, which means that Sweden keeps presenting a "rising health count". They've done that for two decades or more. We're just numbers to those who rule, numbers who are counted out just so they can have more money.

I may be worthless to their power and money-worshipping "society", I may be an unwanted outcast because I was born with disabilities I didn't ask for, they all think it's ok that I'm being tortured by insane neighbors every day and night and completely ignoring that it ruined mom's health as well as caused her premature death. I will never be allowed to pursue even my little hobbies because they count as "too expensive for a decent life standard", but they will never be able to kill my love or take away my memories of love. And I love my mom and dad. I never say "loved", because love never dies.

Even though in hindsight, I think even mom had some kind of autism spectrum related thing since she could get very angry out of nowhere and so could I, we had fights the last few years where I'd be really cruel, and she was the same in the past but thankfully we believe in forgiveness. I still feel a lot of guilt every now and then because of those fights which were truly caused by the stress of being tortured by the neighbors, but I feel that living over 2 years as "undead" has made me atone for that if such a thing exists. I've even had some very personal signs related to my faith that keeps telling me that it's ok that I can't stand living anymore and that I don't need to feel guilty for wanting to end it.

Most won't be able to read all of this but thanks again for existing and for letting me post this.
Thanks also for any suggestions. I really need an emergency plan.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.

The amount of similarities between us which I just read is profound, even some of the minor issues in our medical systems (I'm Canadian) and what does and doesn't get validated as an issue. I'm hypersensitive, emotionally and physically. 37 years old. Possible ehlers-danlos or other connective tissue disorder requiring further investigation but definitely a connective tissue disorder. I'm down Borderline Personality Disorder Alley and that's a difference I see.

So my situation is pretty dismal and I'm hoping somehow that the rising grief will overcome the desire to eat. But I also think I have a good solution. A partial suspension using pressure points to focus it onto my carotid arteries. I've chosen two large chestnuts and a stretchy belt. The nuts are a good shape to occlude blood flow and have caused fainting when held in place by hand... I haven't tested the belt because I might CTB and so far I haven't been in the mood and away from a place where children will find me.
 
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SilverTiger

SilverTiger

Life is the night, I seek the warmth of the sun.
Apr 18, 2024
106
I am greatful that you wrote a record of your life, I am going to think about what you wrote here for a good while.
Do you keep in contact with anyone here?
 
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divinemistress36

divinemistress36

Visionary
Jan 1, 2024
2,376
Misophonia is hell!
 
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AAE

AAE

Member
Mar 28, 2024
9
This is just truly devastating. I'm so sorry for your loss of your mother. I hope you find peace soon.
Thank you so much.

That sounds really horrible what you are going through, it's certainly such a cruel existence where people suffer so unbearably, it sounds like you've suffered so much. But anyway I hope that you eventually find what you search for, best wishes.
It's an extremely painful existence indeed. And then knowing that society actually wants people like me to die rather than helping us, they just kill us slowly in a way they hide from the masses who are still brainwashed inside their safe bubble. Best wishes for you also.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.

The amount of similarities between us which I just read is profound, even some of the minor issues in our medical systems (I'm Canadian) and what does and doesn't get validated as an issue. I'm hypersensitive, emotionally and physically. 37 years old. Possible ehlers-danlos or other connective tissue disorder requiring further investigation but definitely a connective tissue disorder. I'm down Borderline Personality Disorder Alley and that's a difference I see.
Thanks for your condolences. Differences aside, suffering is suffering, pain is pain. I hope you find your way to peace.

I am greatful that you wrote a record of your life, I am going to think about what you wrote here for a good while.
Do you keep in contact with anyone here?
Thank you so much. I'm new here so I don't really know any people yet. So far it seems like a really great place for discussion and help and there's lots of good people here who suffer way more than they've ever deserved.

Misophonia is hell!
It surely is. Now that I'm alone it's less of an issue, in fact I used to get angry with my mother about certain sounds. Now I'd give anything to even have those moments back, minus the misophonia.





Thanks to everyone who's taking the time to care to read and reply.

It's so hard to sum up my story that it really always becomes a wall of text.
I hope you all will find your ways to peace, no matter how difficult it is.
 
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destinationlosangel

destinationlosangel

Student
Feb 16, 2024
171
I am so sorry to hear of this man. It truly is saddening seeing your situation. I hope something works out for u soon. Praying for u as that is all I can do from here.
 
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Raindancer

Raindancer

Specialist
Nov 4, 2023
317
I am so sorry for everything you have endured. It does sound overwhelming and I cannot imagine how exhausting trying to fix everything is. Hopefully you can find some peace and welcome.
 
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KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

想死不能 - 想活不能
Nov 23, 2020
1,653
Reading your story is so painful, I can tell from every word how deeply you love your mother and I want to cry for you, because such a loss is so impactful and stays with us the rest of our lives. The way you described your love for her touched me as well. I am sure she knew how much you cherished her when she died.

It is so deeply unfair what you have been through, disabled people around the world deserve so much better than the bare minimum paltry benefits that are the standard now. It makes me so angry, because if these soulless government workers could read what you've written here for us, they would see how much you are suffering due to their actions. Poverty and unsafe living conditions should not be the best they can offer.

Your post will stick with me for a long time, even though my memory is bad. It's eeiry how similar our situations are despite being in different countries, it seems pain and struggle is a universal human experience for the disabled. I'm also autistic, and while I don't have EDS I have a variety of other conditions that make my life hell like degenerative disc disease, scoliosis, chronic fatigue, ptsd, and a brain defect that's very risky to get fixed. For years I've experienced the exact same treatment that nothing I go through is "bad enough" to be seen as valid or disabling.

My grandma and grandpa raised me because I have no parents. My grandpa died when I was 18 too, and recently my grandmother had an accident which has permanently crippled her and she's not recovering. I can't be with my grandmother right now because I was forced to study and I am terrified she will die soon. I have no other family in this world and I know very soon I will be all alone and struggling to survive. My grandma is the only person that loves me even in spite of my disabilities and failures in life. So I can relate to your feelings towards your mother being your only true friend in life.

For several years I have also been forced to live around constant noise too and it drives me insane. I understand completely why this wears you down. Neurotypical people might not understand, but since I got ill especially, loud and persistent noise is grating and upsetting. I have a housemate who plays loud music and videos then sings non stop, and thinks it's their right to do so. Because I don't have that much money, I have to live in cramped conditions where I hear absolutely everything and the place is full of mold. Living in such conditions is a strain on you because home is supposed to be a sanctuary and a safe place for one to exist, not some constant disruptive shithole full of hazards.

You deserve more than just a decent standard of living, which they already won't give you. No matter what happens, I'm wishing you the best.
 
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AAE

AAE

Member
Mar 28, 2024
9
You deserve more than just a decent standard of living, which they already won't give you. No matter what happens, I'm wishing you the best.
Thank you for your entire post. The sad thing is that people like us don't have the power to help each other. The only ones who could possibly help us are the ones who would never ever do so. As for governments, they know, they know very very well. They just don't care. We're parasites to them. A cost. A number.

I wish the best for you as well. I don't know what will happen but worst case I will have to find a way to CTB before march-april 2025 when they'll be throwing me out of this apartment because of "renovation" where they will just ruin it even more.
 
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S

suffering_mo_7

Experienced
May 8, 2024
204
I'm so sorry for your suffering. I can empathize in many ways, especially the physical pain, hypersensitivities etc. I'm not alone but suffering with a ton of these issues.
 
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InboxRain292

InboxRain292

Member
May 5, 2024
14
I hope you find peace soon! Very sorry for what you've been through.
 
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E

Esokabat

Specialist
Apr 22, 2024
358
I am also autistic and I am also extremely sensitive to low frequency sounds. They keep me awake too and I appear to hear frequencies that other people don't seem to hear. I spent thousands and thousand of euros moving from one rental to the next, trying to find a quiet place to live. When I bought my own apartment, I spent thousands soundproofing my bedroom as I could hear people shutting doors, impact sounds, low frequency type sounds. My sound sensitivity caused me so much conflict, pain, money, suffering, I feel it would have been easier to be deaf. What I do right now is that I listen to an extra deep, very low frequency vibrating noise all night. It is such low frequency that it slightly vibrates my bed even. This way my brain is allowed to tune out low frequency sounds, and it masks any sudden sound. This so far worked the best for me. It took me half a lifetime to finally find a solution. This is the absolut worst part of my autism, it caused me so much suffering and most people have no idea what the hell I am even talking about. What kind of earplugs did you order from the US? Noise sensitivity really sucks. It can ruin your life. I was always envious of people in the US living in big houses on very quiet streets, far from neighbors. When I would visit the US and visit those quiet calm neighnorhoods, I always thought my life would have been heaven living like that. Instead I spent all my life trying to find a place that I could afford and was quiet. And I live in the noisiest country in Europe according to statistics. The walls here are paper thin, definitely not for an autistic mind. I am all day with noise cancelling headset, and a subwoofer playing constant extra deep low frequency sound at night.
 
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AAE

AAE

Member
Mar 28, 2024
9
What kind of earplugs did you order from the US?
Currently "Mack's ThermaFit". I've been following a website called noisyworld where there's lots of good info on this.

In 2019-2020 or so I bought the cheaper "Flents Quiet Please" which were the very best back then. I could often even take them out at night and use them again the next day and even clean them with soap and water. Sadly, for some reason they changed them and after the change they were very similar to how Mack's ThermaFit are now. But then they changed them again to another useless, soft material and they don't block low frequency noise anymore.

I can't understand this. Thanks to having the best low frequency blocking, the original Flents Quiet Please had a huge group of people all over the world buying them regularly, and they chose to ruin it all. Why can't companies like that realize that there exists a need for such earplugs in this extremely noisy world where yes, a lot of times I've wished I was deaf.

When typing this it's almost 1 am and the kid above is stomping and slamming in the other end of the apartment and has been doing so all day. I've been "hiding" here in the bedroom which is the only place where I feel just a little bit safer. The pain is unbearable.

Recently I had a very unexpected positive development in my economic situation, not huge but it would've been more than good enough to live here for the rest of my life if the neighbors didn't exist. But the harm is done.

I realized lately when reading about someone in a similar situation who said he aged prematurely from the constant stress year after year that it's exactly what's happened to me and my dear mom. It's what made me lose her in the end and the blood is on the neighbors' hands as well as the landlord and politicians, but nobody will ever care. Mom fought with all her power and so did I, we kept fighting for justice but were left to die.

Aging prematurely is precisely what's happened to me as well and it keeps going. I turn 40 this year and feel like 80 or something. I'm so weak and depressed even without all the other stuff I have to live with and there's just no help to be found anywhere. Society doesn't benefit from actually helping people so they leave the weaker ones. Everything seems to only be about money these days.

I still have no hope of finding a way out where I can "live". Because my life ended with the loss of my mom and nobody understands that I can't handle moving and there are no safe places to move unless one can buy an own house which is impossible. I want the pain to stop forever and I want to be with mom. I'm truly still a child inside of this sick, weak body.
 
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AAE

AAE

Member
Mar 28, 2024
9
How I wish it could end right now… The neighbors have me "locked" in bed for many days. Their extreme noises going on almost 24/7 is unbearable and my ears are swollen and hurt a lot since I can't be without earplugs. Tried to get up at night since they sleep for like 4 hours but my body is too weak and I just keep panicking since I know they'll start again soon. I hope someone could help me with sources sometime and if you don't trust me just say what I should do. I can't handle this torture anymore…
 
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Chips

Chips

New Member
Jun 25, 2024
1
I am so sorry that you're in so much pain. You don't deserve any of it. I hope things get better for you. Sending you much love :heart:
 
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