First of all: Thanks for existing. Mass media calls it "controversial" to discuss death, the only thing we know 100% sure we'll encounter sooner or later.
Short version / Introduction:
39 year old Swedish guy suffering an awful amount of physical and mental disabilities and illnesses, being tortured with extreme noise and smoke from neighbors almost 24/7, all this for many years and having lost my best friend and other half, the only person who loves me, my dear mother I suffer from complex grief, exhaustion disorder and hypersomnia which nobody cares about. Sweden is a dystopia, "society" is indifferent and they never help people like me. I suffer on such an extreme level daily and nightly that I need a plan to CTB. I will lose my "home" march-april 2025 and really need a plan before then because miracles don't happen, only more suffering, endlessly. Please don't question the situation in my country. It's presented as great in mass media while we're tens if not hundreds of thousands who suffer without help and suicide rates are higher than ever because of this.
So far this is the list of what I can think of that I suffer from:
Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobile type (hEDS)
Atypical autism
Asthma and allergies
Highly sensitive
Social phobia
Chronic stress
Stress dreams
Hypersomnia (Periodically)
Exhaustion disorder
Brain fog
Autistic exhaustion
Complicated grief
Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
Panic anxiety (Periodically)
Dysthymia (Chronic depression)
Delayed sleep phase disorder
Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV)
Hyperhidrosis (Excessive sweating)
Fistula which can never heal because of hEDS
Joint pain
Muscular pain
Stiffness
Swallowing issues
Dizziness
Tremor
Tinnitus
Hyperacusis
Misophonia
Phonophobia
(In Sweden they only care about "big diagnoses" so they'll never list all of these officially, only hEDS, autism and asthma/allergies.)
I use lots of medicines daily, including Sertraline, two types of Benzodiazepines, one of which I have to buy myself since doctors think one can "learn to cope" with extreme 24/7 noise and deny me a proper dosage, Antihistamines, Omeprazol for heartburn and a bunch of "lesser" medicines.
I am very tolerant to medicines and things usually require a double dose to have any effect on me.
I have a quite big amount of Alimemazine 20mg capsules left since I don't use sleeping pills anymore and I always split them in 8ths.
From mom I have some pills left that might be helpful or not: Morphine 10mg, 24 pills. Palexia Depot (Tapentadol) 50mg, 30 pills, Propranolol, 10mg, 9 pills.
I once tried one morphine pill for extreme back pain after having tried to work on a friend's laptop. The pill did nothing.
I bet I couldn't afford getting Nembuthal or similar but could any mix of these pills I have access to work?
I know I'd need to get a hold of antiemitics but I have no idea how.
I deserve to have a plan for a peaceful CTB in my bed, the only place where I still feel somewhat safe.
Long version:
I'm a 39 year old Swedish guy suffering multiple disabilities and illnesses. I lived together with my mother who suffered similarly. We only truly had each other left in this world which is why we stuck together. My father died in 2003 and since then it was mostly just me and mom. More and more people left us for dead over the years after that, especially when our health started to really decline in the 2010's.
My mother, who passed away at age 71 in Feb 2022 had Crohn's disease since her early 30's as well as problems with anxiety. She ended up full-time retired in her early 30's because of her health issues. (Sweden had a welfare / public health insurance system that still worked for mere mortals back then.) My father was a gambling addict but because of him being the love of her life she fought through the anxiety this caused as much as she could for many years. Other than that, he was a really good man and the best dad I could ever have wished for.
I was born with food allergies and was diagnosed with the usual bunch of asthma and allergies at the age of 3. Growing up I always knew something was "different" with me. Since mom was always at home, she taught me lots of things and I learned how to read and spell simple words before turning 2. I was always more sensitive in all my senses, leading to lots of pain but also noticing details others would miss. I was hypermobile and had elastic skin but I never ever questioned anything. I trusted my parents, my doctor and what I was taught in school. I've always believed in Jesus and still do but I usually call myself spiritual instead of Christian since I know it's up to God to judge whether I'm "Christian" or not.
I was always bullied in school. When I was a teenager I had a half-time trainee job at a youth center from 2001-2005. I could never work more than 4 hours a day without becoming exhausted but I never quite questioned it. It was in 2008 that I met a doctor who suspected I had a neuropsychological disorder. I went through a lot of tests of all my senses and similar things and was diagnosed with atypical autism in 2010. It explained my sensitivity and why I was thinking differently than others. This was also when I started to question things and find my own answers since I felt that I had never truly known myself.
In the early 2010's, me and my mother ran out of savings that we had left from dad as well as my mother's birth home having been sold in the early 2000's. In 2015 we couldn't afford having a car anymore. That was the year her retirement changed to be based on her age instead of health. She got way less money each month. Myself, I've been retired with doctor certificates since 2008 but never acknowledged as being full-time retired by the public health insurance, ending up with me only getting money through social security since then. (About the equivalent of $350 per month.)
Now that mom is gone I get about the equivalent of $1150 per month. They quit paying my full rent last summer saying I can easily find a cheaper apartment on my own (There are none and I'm too sick to move or handle seeking a home myself) and now they quit paying my monthly medical bills for my medicines which I need to survive. I will also have to try real pain medication since my physical pain has gotten a lot worse the last year but apparently the social office thinks it's not necessary, just like the rent. They say that I "should get my money from public health insurance", which is impossible. I can only stay here thanks to a friend who helps me with money.
It's quite the contrast when looking back in time. The early 1980's when my mother retired: Your doctor declares you unable to work and sends a certificate to the public health insurance who doesn't ask questions. Case settled. Mom and many, many others get the help and money they need to live a worthy life.
Today: 10 doctors, 10 specialists, 10 "work-therapists", 10 people at the employment office, lawyers, whatever, they all declare you unable to work for the rest of your life because of multiple diseases and disabilities. Public health insurance says "you have the right to apply for support". Public health insurance has their own "insurance-medical advisors" who are basically their lawyers. They straight up tell dying cancer patients, people who are unable to move or breathe on their own, you name it, they tell them this exact thing every time: "We conclude that your ability to work is not reduced by at least 25% when compared to the regular job market as well as the tailored job market." There are no frickin custom tailored jobs! Even healthy young people fresh out of a university can't get hired anywhere. Tens if not hundreds of thousands of swedes are getting declined for both sick leave and public health insurance. Countless suicides every year are caused by this. I kept fighting public health insurance, even with the help of a lawyer who used to work for them! This was when we still could afford it. Same thing. I'm 100% able to work, they say. Apparently I've been retired since 2008 just for fun. I've applied again for like the 7th or 8th time and I know what the answer will be after them taking months just to say no. If sending in an appeal afterwards, the authority who handles that always agrees with public health insurance.
There is a joke going around some forums in Sweden where they discuss the matter. It's a cartoon picture of a man standing beside the gravestone of a friend, saying: "You just got a letter from public health insurance; They say you have to work."
Anyway, during this mess, in 2015 our lives were about to be ruined. We have been living in the same apartment since 2000, and in the same neighborhood since I was born in 1984. (My mom since ca 1978.) We had always been happy here and said we'd keep living here until we die. Neighbors were friendly and we never had any troubles with anyone. Our home was our safe haven. I never want to have a family or kids or anything, just love but there's no love for me anymore after mom. Since I'm like a confused and scared child deep inside I'd probably want to be adopted by someone who could take care of me but such things don't exist either. Only animal shelters. Humans are "passively" killed instead.
Anyway, in the summer of 2015 our Swedish neighbors had started moving out one by one. Some were old and sick. Some died. Some were young and had children, needing something larger than an apartment. Or simply safer. Some didn't dare letting their kids play outside because they were bullied by the immigrants who had quickly become the majority of residents in the area. That summer, the young couple living in the apartment above us moved out and in came a family from wherever, who smoked the most foul-smelling cigarettes 24/7, indoors. Since I have allergies and asthma we had to seal all vents since the place was built in 1970 and we basically share air. I was depressed before but this was beyond horrible since according to one part in Sweden's National Law as well as the rental contract, someone renting an apartment is not allowed to do anything that causes health issues for those living next to them. Guess if the landlord cared. (They're owned by the city and can't be touched.) They directed us to what was said in 1970 when Swedes were still smoking indoors. "They are allowed to do it." "Get an air cleaner." "Use medicines." "Open the vents again." (?!) Smoking in the staircase is "forbidden" but of course they all did anyway. Landlord didn't care. We had to get help to better seal our door to the staircase.
My mother has always been a very social people-person and able to really talk to everyone and become friends with everyone. All previous neighbors trusted her 100%. But she was hated by them as soon as they set eyes upon her. Pleading for her son's life, they told her to "never talk to them again".
Then the landlord came with some "good news". "You'll be happy to hear they'll move out on Dec 1." I told mom we still don't know what we'll get. When the day came, a middle-eastern family moved in, the father smoking the same foul-smelling cigarettes as the previous family. That day I cried for the first time since before my father died. I lost my ability to cry when he died and after 12 years, this pain and depression just made me burst open in that way. Since then I've been crying almost every day.
Mom tried to become friends with them. I tried pleading to them myself despite it being insanely difficult for me to be social because of being autistic. They kept lying to us. Mom even convinced the landlord to plead to them and they lied to them too. Once I went up and the "dad" opened the door, I saw a giant waterpipe in the back with men sitting around it and lots of smoke in the air. At the same time he said: "We no smoke. Others smoke. Many living around." Then he closed the door.
The final blow came in the middle of December 2017. All of a sudden, they start walking with shoes indoors. They start stomping and stomping and stomping, throwing stuff around, moving furniture, slamming things into the walls and radiators, slamming the doors, screaming loudly. Almost 24/7. Guess what: The landlord couldn't care less. They told us to move. We, who had basically lived there for all our lives and never done anything wrong. The neighbors broke my mind in 3 weeks. Then I started to be awake only at night when it was just a little less loud. My mom was starting to get really depressed after half a year. For the first time in my life I wanted to kill myself and was truly planning how to do it. I had to raise the dose of my antidepressants x3 to get rid of the suicide thoughts, which also caused me to gain lots of weight. I'm heavier than ever but eating less than ever.
Out of the blue, another thing happened that made me understand myself and my whole life even more. A few years ago my electric shaver broke. I asked social security for a new one and they said: "It's not included in a decent life standard." Nothing is included in their "decent life standard" yet they live in luxury themselves. I searched online on "how to shave elastic skin". (Which I had to practice myself with cheaper razors later.) The first result was a picture of a hand with its fingers wrapped around on top of each other. I thought: "I can do that, but what does that have to do with elastic skin?" Under the picture it said "Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome".
I read up on the subject and found out that I'd always had a genetic disorder known as Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobile Type or hEDS. It causes collagen, the tissue supposed to be more "tight" in the entire body to be elastic as well as joints being more mobile. It explained why I could move in weird ways, bend joints more than others but also why I had increasing joint and back pain the recent years. It usually gets a lot worse in one's 30's with this type and it can affect all organs, basically all tissue.
I demanded to get a doctor's certificate about it and was tested by a local doctor who actually had some of the rare knowledge about it. Guess what: Then public health insurance said it's my autism that's the main issue, which they earlier stated wasn't. Everything to save money by letting the weak and poor suffer. At least I have explanations for almost everything now.
My mother also became weaker as the years passed. Some of her medicines plus the depression and other things made her lose weight. She fell a few times and ended up with a spinal compression and became slightly "hunchbacked". On her 70th birthday she had a stroke. She could only crawl on the floor. Thankfully the ambulance came after quite some wait and they took good care of her in the hospital. But she ended up "brain-tired" as they call it here. She was so weak as if she had aged 15 years in 1 year. She was still kinda sharp-minded but very tired. She couldn't do much and weren't able to stay up for long periods of time or she'd faint.
The smoking mostly disappeared when the "dad" above started working a few years ago. But the noises never stopped. It just got louder and louder. I managed to find earplugs that blocked low frequencies better than most. They didn't exist in Sweden so I have to order them from the US despite the fact that I can't truly afford it. I use them almost 24/7. The smoking came back when the son in the family turned 18...
We both had lots of pain, were extremely tired and exhausted so you probably understand why we couldn't "just move out". First of all, there is an extreme shortage of apartments in Sweden and second: Safer areas cost twice as much and the landlords all price them like that because they know Swedes escape from the chaos and crime in areas like ours and many are ready to pay for it.
I can at least proudly say that I've given my mom all the love that's in my heart for all the 37 years and 3 months I had with her.
I was born with chronic disabilities and illnesses which made her change her life, learn everything she had to and were always there to take care of me. When we lost my dad - who was also an amazing, loving person - to a sudden aortic rupture when I was only 18 years old we started growing closer than ever, taking care of each other, going through the grief together and coming out on the other end as what I can only describe as a unity. One soul split between two human beings. Seeing each other suffer so extremely just made us suffer even more.
Something happened to her stomach on Feb 14, 2022 which gave her extreme pain, an ambulance took her to the hospital and for almost two weeks she was there and the doctors - new doctor every day, all clueless - couldn't find out what was wrong, how to fix it, and when she passed away from having her lungs filled with water on Feb 25 the first thing they told me was that they wouldn't investigate it. Little did they know they had all met a real life angel. An angel who didn't deserve any pain or suffering, yet losing her destroyed the tiny hope and dreams I/we had left.
I was never meant to live alone, I can't properly handle it, and now that both my mental and physical health and grief keeps getting worse and worse, neighbors still torturing me with loud noises and smoke, "society" showed its true colors. They want to put me in some "care-home", the kind of boxes where they put elderly people to suffer and die alone while trying to make them think they're having a good life, crammed into a tiny space until they self-die. They don't give a single F about what I need because of my disabilities either. They say they do but for example, I've been tortured with loud noise around the clock since Dec 2017 and I'm suffering from exhaustion disorder and hypersomnia thanks to the severe trauma of always being stressed from it and having to use earplugs 24/7. The first "apartment" they offered me was in an even louder building with the personnel admitting it was very loud around there. I can't look for apartments or move on my own. I don't have many people around me, just a couple relatives who are also getting old and sick, and they can't do anything to help.
Seeing how people live in the world around me, how the general population are living without any kind of gratitude, spending tons of money on useless things, worrying about things like what they look like, what they wear... Meanwhile I have a 24/7 job to simply survive while in severe pain, grief, exhaustion…
Our greatest wish kept getting reduced year by year. Before mom passed away we only wished to be safe again. We dreamed about being able to get our own house, hire a housekeeper and whatever else we'd need to be able to start recovering and take care of each other again. We didn't care that it would take a miracle to make that financially possible, one is always allowed to have wishes and dreams no matter what "society" tells you. I kept wishing to pursue my two hobbies: PC (Gaming, photo/audio/video editing) and TV (Would've loved to see what movies look like in UHD HDR). Of course I'm not allowed to.
When I'm able to stay awake and take my meds and eat, I'm sometimes sitting at my PC I built in 2009 playing WoW and watching some movies and series to distract myself from the hellish reality I don't want to be a part of. I'm just half a person and the missing half hurts so much, the phantom pain is excruciating. I can't even wish for having a quality upgrade for my hobbies since social security considers a phone to be a phone, PC and TV in one. I was lucky to find a cheap modern phone before I lost mom. Social security only pay a 4th of the internet subscription too and they don't pay the phone sub.
My country - Sweden - still seems to have a reputation of being some kind of welfare heaven, which it was until the beginning of the 2000's or so when the government decided to start tearing it down. There are hundreds of thousands like me, they deny us all economic support from public health insurance telling us we're perfectly healthy and can work, when in reality the politicians ruling the remains of this country simply took the money away from public health insurance two decades ago. (They used it to lower the taxes for the richest.) All of the hundreds of thousands who stand without support are not counted by the Statistics Central Bureau, which means that Sweden keeps presenting a "rising health count". They've done that for two decades or more. We're just numbers to those who rule, numbers who are counted out just so they can have more money.
I may be worthless to their power and money-worshipping "society", I may be an unwanted outcast because I was born with disabilities I didn't ask for, they all think it's ok that I'm being tortured by insane neighbors every day and night and completely ignoring that it ruined mom's health as well as caused her premature death. I will never be allowed to pursue even my little hobbies because they count as "too expensive for a decent life standard", but they will never be able to kill my love or take away my memories of love. And I love my mom and dad. I never say "loved", because love never dies.
Even though in hindsight, I think even mom had some kind of autism spectrum related thing since she could get very angry out of nowhere and so could I, we had fights the last few years where I'd be really cruel, and she was the same in the past but thankfully we believe in forgiveness. I still feel a lot of guilt every now and then because of those fights which were truly caused by the stress of being tortured by the neighbors, but I feel that living over 2 years as "undead" has made me atone for that if such a thing exists. I've even had some very personal signs related to my faith that keeps telling me that it's ok that I can't stand living anymore and that I don't need to feel guilty for wanting to end it.
Most won't be able to read all of this but thanks again for existing and for letting me post this.
Thanks also for any suggestions. I really need an emergency plan.
Short version / Introduction:
39 year old Swedish guy suffering an awful amount of physical and mental disabilities and illnesses, being tortured with extreme noise and smoke from neighbors almost 24/7, all this for many years and having lost my best friend and other half, the only person who loves me, my dear mother I suffer from complex grief, exhaustion disorder and hypersomnia which nobody cares about. Sweden is a dystopia, "society" is indifferent and they never help people like me. I suffer on such an extreme level daily and nightly that I need a plan to CTB. I will lose my "home" march-april 2025 and really need a plan before then because miracles don't happen, only more suffering, endlessly. Please don't question the situation in my country. It's presented as great in mass media while we're tens if not hundreds of thousands who suffer without help and suicide rates are higher than ever because of this.
So far this is the list of what I can think of that I suffer from:
Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobile type (hEDS)
Atypical autism
Asthma and allergies
Highly sensitive
Social phobia
Chronic stress
Stress dreams
Hypersomnia (Periodically)
Exhaustion disorder
Brain fog
Autistic exhaustion
Complicated grief
Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
Panic anxiety (Periodically)
Dysthymia (Chronic depression)
Delayed sleep phase disorder
Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV)
Hyperhidrosis (Excessive sweating)
Fistula which can never heal because of hEDS
Joint pain
Muscular pain
Stiffness
Swallowing issues
Dizziness
Tremor
Tinnitus
Hyperacusis
Misophonia
Phonophobia
(In Sweden they only care about "big diagnoses" so they'll never list all of these officially, only hEDS, autism and asthma/allergies.)
I use lots of medicines daily, including Sertraline, two types of Benzodiazepines, one of which I have to buy myself since doctors think one can "learn to cope" with extreme 24/7 noise and deny me a proper dosage, Antihistamines, Omeprazol for heartburn and a bunch of "lesser" medicines.
I am very tolerant to medicines and things usually require a double dose to have any effect on me.
I have a quite big amount of Alimemazine 20mg capsules left since I don't use sleeping pills anymore and I always split them in 8ths.
From mom I have some pills left that might be helpful or not: Morphine 10mg, 24 pills. Palexia Depot (Tapentadol) 50mg, 30 pills, Propranolol, 10mg, 9 pills.
I once tried one morphine pill for extreme back pain after having tried to work on a friend's laptop. The pill did nothing.
I bet I couldn't afford getting Nembuthal or similar but could any mix of these pills I have access to work?
I know I'd need to get a hold of antiemitics but I have no idea how.
I deserve to have a plan for a peaceful CTB in my bed, the only place where I still feel somewhat safe.
Long version:
I'm a 39 year old Swedish guy suffering multiple disabilities and illnesses. I lived together with my mother who suffered similarly. We only truly had each other left in this world which is why we stuck together. My father died in 2003 and since then it was mostly just me and mom. More and more people left us for dead over the years after that, especially when our health started to really decline in the 2010's.
My mother, who passed away at age 71 in Feb 2022 had Crohn's disease since her early 30's as well as problems with anxiety. She ended up full-time retired in her early 30's because of her health issues. (Sweden had a welfare / public health insurance system that still worked for mere mortals back then.) My father was a gambling addict but because of him being the love of her life she fought through the anxiety this caused as much as she could for many years. Other than that, he was a really good man and the best dad I could ever have wished for.
I was born with food allergies and was diagnosed with the usual bunch of asthma and allergies at the age of 3. Growing up I always knew something was "different" with me. Since mom was always at home, she taught me lots of things and I learned how to read and spell simple words before turning 2. I was always more sensitive in all my senses, leading to lots of pain but also noticing details others would miss. I was hypermobile and had elastic skin but I never ever questioned anything. I trusted my parents, my doctor and what I was taught in school. I've always believed in Jesus and still do but I usually call myself spiritual instead of Christian since I know it's up to God to judge whether I'm "Christian" or not.
I was always bullied in school. When I was a teenager I had a half-time trainee job at a youth center from 2001-2005. I could never work more than 4 hours a day without becoming exhausted but I never quite questioned it. It was in 2008 that I met a doctor who suspected I had a neuropsychological disorder. I went through a lot of tests of all my senses and similar things and was diagnosed with atypical autism in 2010. It explained my sensitivity and why I was thinking differently than others. This was also when I started to question things and find my own answers since I felt that I had never truly known myself.
In the early 2010's, me and my mother ran out of savings that we had left from dad as well as my mother's birth home having been sold in the early 2000's. In 2015 we couldn't afford having a car anymore. That was the year her retirement changed to be based on her age instead of health. She got way less money each month. Myself, I've been retired with doctor certificates since 2008 but never acknowledged as being full-time retired by the public health insurance, ending up with me only getting money through social security since then. (About the equivalent of $350 per month.)
Now that mom is gone I get about the equivalent of $1150 per month. They quit paying my full rent last summer saying I can easily find a cheaper apartment on my own (There are none and I'm too sick to move or handle seeking a home myself) and now they quit paying my monthly medical bills for my medicines which I need to survive. I will also have to try real pain medication since my physical pain has gotten a lot worse the last year but apparently the social office thinks it's not necessary, just like the rent. They say that I "should get my money from public health insurance", which is impossible. I can only stay here thanks to a friend who helps me with money.
It's quite the contrast when looking back in time. The early 1980's when my mother retired: Your doctor declares you unable to work and sends a certificate to the public health insurance who doesn't ask questions. Case settled. Mom and many, many others get the help and money they need to live a worthy life.
Today: 10 doctors, 10 specialists, 10 "work-therapists", 10 people at the employment office, lawyers, whatever, they all declare you unable to work for the rest of your life because of multiple diseases and disabilities. Public health insurance says "you have the right to apply for support". Public health insurance has their own "insurance-medical advisors" who are basically their lawyers. They straight up tell dying cancer patients, people who are unable to move or breathe on their own, you name it, they tell them this exact thing every time: "We conclude that your ability to work is not reduced by at least 25% when compared to the regular job market as well as the tailored job market." There are no frickin custom tailored jobs! Even healthy young people fresh out of a university can't get hired anywhere. Tens if not hundreds of thousands of swedes are getting declined for both sick leave and public health insurance. Countless suicides every year are caused by this. I kept fighting public health insurance, even with the help of a lawyer who used to work for them! This was when we still could afford it. Same thing. I'm 100% able to work, they say. Apparently I've been retired since 2008 just for fun. I've applied again for like the 7th or 8th time and I know what the answer will be after them taking months just to say no. If sending in an appeal afterwards, the authority who handles that always agrees with public health insurance.
There is a joke going around some forums in Sweden where they discuss the matter. It's a cartoon picture of a man standing beside the gravestone of a friend, saying: "You just got a letter from public health insurance; They say you have to work."
Anyway, during this mess, in 2015 our lives were about to be ruined. We have been living in the same apartment since 2000, and in the same neighborhood since I was born in 1984. (My mom since ca 1978.) We had always been happy here and said we'd keep living here until we die. Neighbors were friendly and we never had any troubles with anyone. Our home was our safe haven. I never want to have a family or kids or anything, just love but there's no love for me anymore after mom. Since I'm like a confused and scared child deep inside I'd probably want to be adopted by someone who could take care of me but such things don't exist either. Only animal shelters. Humans are "passively" killed instead.
Anyway, in the summer of 2015 our Swedish neighbors had started moving out one by one. Some were old and sick. Some died. Some were young and had children, needing something larger than an apartment. Or simply safer. Some didn't dare letting their kids play outside because they were bullied by the immigrants who had quickly become the majority of residents in the area. That summer, the young couple living in the apartment above us moved out and in came a family from wherever, who smoked the most foul-smelling cigarettes 24/7, indoors. Since I have allergies and asthma we had to seal all vents since the place was built in 1970 and we basically share air. I was depressed before but this was beyond horrible since according to one part in Sweden's National Law as well as the rental contract, someone renting an apartment is not allowed to do anything that causes health issues for those living next to them. Guess if the landlord cared. (They're owned by the city and can't be touched.) They directed us to what was said in 1970 when Swedes were still smoking indoors. "They are allowed to do it." "Get an air cleaner." "Use medicines." "Open the vents again." (?!) Smoking in the staircase is "forbidden" but of course they all did anyway. Landlord didn't care. We had to get help to better seal our door to the staircase.
My mother has always been a very social people-person and able to really talk to everyone and become friends with everyone. All previous neighbors trusted her 100%. But she was hated by them as soon as they set eyes upon her. Pleading for her son's life, they told her to "never talk to them again".
Then the landlord came with some "good news". "You'll be happy to hear they'll move out on Dec 1." I told mom we still don't know what we'll get. When the day came, a middle-eastern family moved in, the father smoking the same foul-smelling cigarettes as the previous family. That day I cried for the first time since before my father died. I lost my ability to cry when he died and after 12 years, this pain and depression just made me burst open in that way. Since then I've been crying almost every day.
Mom tried to become friends with them. I tried pleading to them myself despite it being insanely difficult for me to be social because of being autistic. They kept lying to us. Mom even convinced the landlord to plead to them and they lied to them too. Once I went up and the "dad" opened the door, I saw a giant waterpipe in the back with men sitting around it and lots of smoke in the air. At the same time he said: "We no smoke. Others smoke. Many living around." Then he closed the door.
The final blow came in the middle of December 2017. All of a sudden, they start walking with shoes indoors. They start stomping and stomping and stomping, throwing stuff around, moving furniture, slamming things into the walls and radiators, slamming the doors, screaming loudly. Almost 24/7. Guess what: The landlord couldn't care less. They told us to move. We, who had basically lived there for all our lives and never done anything wrong. The neighbors broke my mind in 3 weeks. Then I started to be awake only at night when it was just a little less loud. My mom was starting to get really depressed after half a year. For the first time in my life I wanted to kill myself and was truly planning how to do it. I had to raise the dose of my antidepressants x3 to get rid of the suicide thoughts, which also caused me to gain lots of weight. I'm heavier than ever but eating less than ever.
Out of the blue, another thing happened that made me understand myself and my whole life even more. A few years ago my electric shaver broke. I asked social security for a new one and they said: "It's not included in a decent life standard." Nothing is included in their "decent life standard" yet they live in luxury themselves. I searched online on "how to shave elastic skin". (Which I had to practice myself with cheaper razors later.) The first result was a picture of a hand with its fingers wrapped around on top of each other. I thought: "I can do that, but what does that have to do with elastic skin?" Under the picture it said "Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome".
I read up on the subject and found out that I'd always had a genetic disorder known as Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobile Type or hEDS. It causes collagen, the tissue supposed to be more "tight" in the entire body to be elastic as well as joints being more mobile. It explained why I could move in weird ways, bend joints more than others but also why I had increasing joint and back pain the recent years. It usually gets a lot worse in one's 30's with this type and it can affect all organs, basically all tissue.
I demanded to get a doctor's certificate about it and was tested by a local doctor who actually had some of the rare knowledge about it. Guess what: Then public health insurance said it's my autism that's the main issue, which they earlier stated wasn't. Everything to save money by letting the weak and poor suffer. At least I have explanations for almost everything now.
My mother also became weaker as the years passed. Some of her medicines plus the depression and other things made her lose weight. She fell a few times and ended up with a spinal compression and became slightly "hunchbacked". On her 70th birthday she had a stroke. She could only crawl on the floor. Thankfully the ambulance came after quite some wait and they took good care of her in the hospital. But she ended up "brain-tired" as they call it here. She was so weak as if she had aged 15 years in 1 year. She was still kinda sharp-minded but very tired. She couldn't do much and weren't able to stay up for long periods of time or she'd faint.
The smoking mostly disappeared when the "dad" above started working a few years ago. But the noises never stopped. It just got louder and louder. I managed to find earplugs that blocked low frequencies better than most. They didn't exist in Sweden so I have to order them from the US despite the fact that I can't truly afford it. I use them almost 24/7. The smoking came back when the son in the family turned 18...
We both had lots of pain, were extremely tired and exhausted so you probably understand why we couldn't "just move out". First of all, there is an extreme shortage of apartments in Sweden and second: Safer areas cost twice as much and the landlords all price them like that because they know Swedes escape from the chaos and crime in areas like ours and many are ready to pay for it.
I can at least proudly say that I've given my mom all the love that's in my heart for all the 37 years and 3 months I had with her.
I was born with chronic disabilities and illnesses which made her change her life, learn everything she had to and were always there to take care of me. When we lost my dad - who was also an amazing, loving person - to a sudden aortic rupture when I was only 18 years old we started growing closer than ever, taking care of each other, going through the grief together and coming out on the other end as what I can only describe as a unity. One soul split between two human beings. Seeing each other suffer so extremely just made us suffer even more.
Something happened to her stomach on Feb 14, 2022 which gave her extreme pain, an ambulance took her to the hospital and for almost two weeks she was there and the doctors - new doctor every day, all clueless - couldn't find out what was wrong, how to fix it, and when she passed away from having her lungs filled with water on Feb 25 the first thing they told me was that they wouldn't investigate it. Little did they know they had all met a real life angel. An angel who didn't deserve any pain or suffering, yet losing her destroyed the tiny hope and dreams I/we had left.
I was never meant to live alone, I can't properly handle it, and now that both my mental and physical health and grief keeps getting worse and worse, neighbors still torturing me with loud noises and smoke, "society" showed its true colors. They want to put me in some "care-home", the kind of boxes where they put elderly people to suffer and die alone while trying to make them think they're having a good life, crammed into a tiny space until they self-die. They don't give a single F about what I need because of my disabilities either. They say they do but for example, I've been tortured with loud noise around the clock since Dec 2017 and I'm suffering from exhaustion disorder and hypersomnia thanks to the severe trauma of always being stressed from it and having to use earplugs 24/7. The first "apartment" they offered me was in an even louder building with the personnel admitting it was very loud around there. I can't look for apartments or move on my own. I don't have many people around me, just a couple relatives who are also getting old and sick, and they can't do anything to help.
Seeing how people live in the world around me, how the general population are living without any kind of gratitude, spending tons of money on useless things, worrying about things like what they look like, what they wear... Meanwhile I have a 24/7 job to simply survive while in severe pain, grief, exhaustion…
Our greatest wish kept getting reduced year by year. Before mom passed away we only wished to be safe again. We dreamed about being able to get our own house, hire a housekeeper and whatever else we'd need to be able to start recovering and take care of each other again. We didn't care that it would take a miracle to make that financially possible, one is always allowed to have wishes and dreams no matter what "society" tells you. I kept wishing to pursue my two hobbies: PC (Gaming, photo/audio/video editing) and TV (Would've loved to see what movies look like in UHD HDR). Of course I'm not allowed to.
When I'm able to stay awake and take my meds and eat, I'm sometimes sitting at my PC I built in 2009 playing WoW and watching some movies and series to distract myself from the hellish reality I don't want to be a part of. I'm just half a person and the missing half hurts so much, the phantom pain is excruciating. I can't even wish for having a quality upgrade for my hobbies since social security considers a phone to be a phone, PC and TV in one. I was lucky to find a cheap modern phone before I lost mom. Social security only pay a 4th of the internet subscription too and they don't pay the phone sub.
My country - Sweden - still seems to have a reputation of being some kind of welfare heaven, which it was until the beginning of the 2000's or so when the government decided to start tearing it down. There are hundreds of thousands like me, they deny us all economic support from public health insurance telling us we're perfectly healthy and can work, when in reality the politicians ruling the remains of this country simply took the money away from public health insurance two decades ago. (They used it to lower the taxes for the richest.) All of the hundreds of thousands who stand without support are not counted by the Statistics Central Bureau, which means that Sweden keeps presenting a "rising health count". They've done that for two decades or more. We're just numbers to those who rule, numbers who are counted out just so they can have more money.
I may be worthless to their power and money-worshipping "society", I may be an unwanted outcast because I was born with disabilities I didn't ask for, they all think it's ok that I'm being tortured by insane neighbors every day and night and completely ignoring that it ruined mom's health as well as caused her premature death. I will never be allowed to pursue even my little hobbies because they count as "too expensive for a decent life standard", but they will never be able to kill my love or take away my memories of love. And I love my mom and dad. I never say "loved", because love never dies.
Even though in hindsight, I think even mom had some kind of autism spectrum related thing since she could get very angry out of nowhere and so could I, we had fights the last few years where I'd be really cruel, and she was the same in the past but thankfully we believe in forgiveness. I still feel a lot of guilt every now and then because of those fights which were truly caused by the stress of being tortured by the neighbors, but I feel that living over 2 years as "undead" has made me atone for that if such a thing exists. I've even had some very personal signs related to my faith that keeps telling me that it's ok that I can't stand living anymore and that I don't need to feel guilty for wanting to end it.
Most won't be able to read all of this but thanks again for existing and for letting me post this.
Thanks also for any suggestions. I really need an emergency plan.
