Venting very pathetic life, i hate myself

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i call myself pathetic a lot, i've probably used that word in all of my vents, but it's really the most accurate word to describe myself and my thoughts. if i could look at myself from the outside or have a conversation with myself, i'd crash out because it's all so stupid. i despise myself, i hate how pathetic i am. i've had conversations with people similar to myself and they have annoyed me. i am so disgusted by the way that i think, the things i say, and my shameful existence. i type out something i'm feeling or going through, then immediately delete it all because i'm so disgusted by how pathetic i'm being.

anyways, i'm going to type out some shameful things that i can't stop agonizing over.

i've felt genuine excitement for the first time in a long time today, all because some boxcutters i ordered got delivered today and i have new things to sh with. i'm covered in bruises and my body is sore, so i'll go back to cutting. i'm groaning just reading that back, it's so cringe.
i've already vented about my process with human interaction, and i'm so humiliated by it. it all hits the moment i'm away from people, and it's just so stupid.
i've never really had a crush before, but i think i have one now. well, i've had it for a long time. i'm not particularly close with him, idk shit about him. we have some stuff in common and he's the only person at my job who is really nice to and hasn't done something to piss me off, that's it. that was my bar. i just happened to meet him right after losing everyone, but now my mind is plagued. i don't even think it's a crush, i'm just clinging on the only decent human who is kind to me and goes out of their way to talk to me sometimes.
i'm still so lonely, i'll keep whining about how alone i am even though it's pretty much my fault. it's my fault that all my friends bailed and it's my fault i can't make new connections. i won't make new connections because i know how it'll end, but i'll keep whining. being extroverted is a curse, i just want to be around people all the time, even with my weird protocols and the instant regret that comes afterwards. i'm so scared to know people, but i'll keep talking to them to satisfy that constant urge. i'll never get close to them, but i'll keep whining about how i can't make genuine connections.

 

[justanotherfailure]

You're not pathetic. Loneliness is legitimate, not pathetic. Humans need the support of others who actually care about them to have a reason to live. Losing your friends isn't entirely your fault - they also chose to leave you, no matter how many mistakes you made - and it's okay to feel sad about that and hope to find new friends. Making connections might lead to pain, but it is also the only way to find real friends who care. As for the boxcutters and cutting, that's not pathetic or cringe. I won't say I completely relate to your pain, but I understand how hard loneliness is and I hope you can find someone who genuinely cares about you and wants to be your friend