Venting Very bad day. Need to vent.

[gonesoon!]

Any time I try to get better or help myself, I either feel like it was pointless, or humiliated. I end up right back here. I had a dentist appointment today. My teeth are terrible. I take care of them now but I think its genetics. I have MAJOR anxiety related to the dentist. I layed down and she started pulling on the complete wrong tooth. I lost it. I had a panic attack and I could barely talk. I was shaking and crying. I couldnt feel my hands and face. Its beyond embarrassing. I let her pull on the correct one for a second but I couldnt do it. They werent able to do the work. Im in pain and Im too pathetic to let them fix it. 6 hour car drive for nothing. I hate myself. Intensely. I just want to die. Im an adult and I cant do simple shit. Its too much. I cant do this. It only gets worse. I want to get better and live an actual life but I dont think its possible. Im too far gone. I was always more inclined to do nothing. Always anxious. Its who I am. Theres nowhere to escape to anymore. Going outside makes me so anxious I get nausous. And I usually do throw up. I cant relax even though I do fucking nothing. Can't enjoy games. Music is meh anymore. Movies and tv are chores to even watch. I have just started playing music and staring at the wall. Staring at the screen. Dissociating. Daydreaming. Doing my best to not be here. Ive been doing it for maybe 2 months now. Keep in mind Ive been isolated for almost 5 years now. Its usually around 8 hours a day. I just listen to music and smoke. Clearly thats not helping anything but I cant do anything else. If I didnt do that Id just lay in the bed. Just lay there. Maybe stop eating. I mentally crippled myself. Im in pain constantly. Im an undeniable burden. I feel the end getting closer. I want it.

 

[kunikuzushi]

It's so unbearable to be brought into this world just to suffer like how you explained. I feel like what you wrote and also am going insane with nothing to do but listen to music and dissociate all day. It's meaningless suffering. I'm sorry to hear about your very bad day. It's so difficult to do anything like go to the dentist and it's even worse when things go wrong. It's like why do we have to put ourselves through this? What is it for? Again I'm sorry you're in pain and I wish you any relief from this.

 

[gonesoon!]

It's so unbearable to be brought into this world just to suffer like how you explained. I feel like what you wrote and also am going insane with nothing to do but listen to music and dissociate all day. It's meaningless suffering. I'm sorry to hear about your very bad day. It's so difficult to do anything like go to the dentist and it's even worse when things go wrong. It's like why do we have to put ourselves through this? What is it for? Again I'm sorry you're in pain and I wish you any relief from this.

Im sorry you can relate. Its miserable. It really does feel like meaningless suffering at this point. I'd love to believe its all for something, but I dont see how thats possible. Where does this lead? Who would even put up with this? I know I'm young but its been a problem for years. No reason to expect it to stop. Its not like Im trying to do it. Even though at this point I almost enjoy being depressed. It's very comfortable. Another day it is I guess