Venting/thoughts

[KMS74381996]

I feel dead on the inside. I am so guilty and so ashamed of my past that it drives me to the edge almost every second of every day. Every memory and every thought to remind me of what person I was, the things I did, and the things I saw. I feel there is no end to this depression that I'm in. Things get better for sometime but I always land right back where I started. I hear everyone saying that it gets better but when I look at my life 5 years from now or even 10 I don't see the white picket fence, marriage, and children. I see destruction, chaos, and probably addiction. I am so afraid of becoming like people in my past that I'm self sabotaging. I am literally creating these issues for myself. But I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to cope with everything as is without using something to get me high or drunk. I'm loosing motivation. I have nothing left to give. No amount of effort will fix me. I am damaged. I feel disgusting. I stopped eating 4 days ago. In my mind why eat? What's the point in fighting a never ending battle? I'm pretty okay sticking to not eating. I just don't want anyone to notice. How do I hide this? I plan to ctb this way.

 

[not_a_robot]

Are a perfect picket-fence with marriage and kids, or destruction/chaos, your only two possible options? Nothing at all in between those two extremes?

Interesting.
Male?
Also there's no way to hide anorexia from others. Unless you put a sheet over yourself like a ghost costume.

 

[Meretlein]

Please don't CTB this way, people have done this and it took about a month to die. Sodium nitrite, nembutal, and inert gases are much better.

 

[KMS74381996]

Im not saying it has to be one or the other. I just want happiness in my life. I feel most people want to be happy. My point wasn't that I need perfection that it has to be one or the other my point was that it's hard trying to find motivation when I don't see myself getting anywhere far from this point. And I am a female. Also I don't have anorexia. I'm 280 pounds so I doubt I'd look anywhere near anorexic.

Please don't CTB this way, people have done this and it took about a month to die. Sodium nitrite, nembutal, and inert gases are much better.

I feel like this is my only option right now. And I've already started so I don't see the point in stopping. I'm willing to wait months. I just don't see the point in fighting when there isn't a point.

 

[not_a_robot]

Im not saying it has to be one or the other. I just want happiness in my life. I feel most people want to be happy. My point wasn't that I need perfection that it has to be one or the other my point was that it's hard trying to find motivation when I don't see myself getting anywhere far from this point. And I am a female. Also I don't have anorexia. I'm 280 pounds so I doubt I'd look anywhere near anorexic.

I feel like this is my only option right now. And I've already started so I don't see the point in stopping. I'm willing to wait months. I just don't see the point in fighting when there isn't a point.

I stand corrected, sorry.
Good luck.