Venting venting. replies appreciated

[dw33ter]

I don't know what my goal is in posting this, I'm just going to vent and it'll be all over the place. Any reply is welcome if you have something to add, idk. I just feel incredibly lonely.

I just went out to collect something from a nearby store and took the opportunity to take the elevator to the top floor of the building to see if I could work up the courage to jump. The funny thing is that, I really think I could. The ground almost looked like it was inviting me to jump. Only problem was the building wasn't tall enough for me to jump off and be comfortably confident of ctb, I would like to jump from the 23rd floor at least. I'm sure I can find a building like that to jump from, the only problem is that it's likely to be a residential building. I would feel bad fucking up anyone who lives there, but I feel like I have no choice. Hopefully I'll be able to do it in the dead of the night, maybe 1am, where most people wouldn't be out and about. I'm also afraid of slipping off the ledge by accident before I compose myself, but I think I'll manage somehow.

Before you suggest other methods, know that SN is illegal where I am (I checked) and if I try to procure some anyway, I know I'll get fucked over big time by law enforcement. Same with guns. I know jumping is going to hurt. I chose this method due to the availability of tall buildings (albeit residential). I think, maybe in some way, the SI I will experience will act as some sort of check and balance – if I am truly ready to go, then I probably shouldn't have any problem hurling myself over the edge, head first. I'm still worried that the cops will come if they get a call that some freak is standing on the ledge, and I don't want to get sectioned for it, so I'm thinking of slowly visiting taller buildings and working up my nerve over time. Maybe get intoxicated or bring a blindfold on the day I ctb. I hesitate to call this an attempt, because I don't want it to fail. I'm doing this not as a cry for help, I'm doing this because I want to, I need to die. And ideally soon.

I've been incredibly suicidal over the past 4 days or so, and I've felt like talking to someone about it. But I can't. As far as I'm aware, my parents think I'm super stressed about some deadlines coming up (which is not untrue). And the last time they knew, they reacted extremely poorly. If I spill, I'm going to be the one doing damage control and comforting them, not the other way round. I have one really really awesome friend who knows some details about how fucked I am, but I don't think I should tell her. Admittedly, I'm a bit afraid she might spill the beans to my parents (?) though the chance of that is quite low, unless I tell her I plan to act imminently. But the main reason I'm probably not going to tell her is, there's nothing she can do about it. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but I doubt I am.

I think the reason why I feel like this is because I've been recovering and improving, yet I see no hope in continuing the recovery process. Me 6 months ago would be relatively pleased with the progress I've made so far, but me now doesn't see what the big deal is. I improved my situation a bit, I managed to do a bit of stuff, but there's no joy in it at all. I look ahead and I don't see anything to look forward to if I continue recovery. I don't know whether I want to recover any more. I'm honestly not sure. So yeah, I guess that's me.


If you're going to respond with positivity, I honestly don't mind, maybe it might even help. But if it's not helping me, and I ask you to stop, please do respect my wishes.

 

[jodes2]

I hope you give it more time. And maybe open up to your friend and parents. I think it's worth it. You need all the help you can get right now. And you deserve it. I'm sorry you feel so shitty. It could just be brain chemicals messing with you. Why throw everything away when there could be an easy fix just round the corner? If you haven't got an easy way to CTB, sometimes the logical thing is to just try and recover instead. I'm sorry you feel like this

 

[HadronCollider]

I don't know what my goal is in posting this, I'm just going to vent and it'll be all over the place. Any reply is welcome if you have something to add, idk. I just feel incredibly lonely.

I just went out to collect something from a nearby store and took the opportunity to take the elevator to the top floor of the building to see if I could work up the courage to jump. The funny thing is that, I really think I could. The ground almost looked like it was inviting me to jump. Only problem was the building wasn't tall enough for me to jump off and be comfortably confident of ctb, I would like to jump from the 23rd floor at least. I'm sure I can find a building like that to jump from, the only problem is that it's likely to be a residential building. I would feel bad fucking up anyone who lives there, but I feel like I have no choice. Hopefully I'll be able to do it in the dead of the night, maybe 1am, where most people wouldn't be out and about. I'm also afraid of slipping off the ledge by accident before I compose myself, but I think I'll manage somehow.

Before you suggest other methods, know that SN is illegal where I am (I checked) and if I try to procure some anyway, I know I'll get fucked over big time by law enforcement. Same with guns. I know jumping is going to hurt. I chose this method due to the availability of tall buildings (albeit residential). I think, maybe in some way, the SI I will experience will act as some sort of check and balance – if I am truly ready to go, then I probably shouldn't have any problem hurling myself over the edge, head first. I'm still worried that the cops will come if they get a call that some freak is standing on the ledge, and I don't want to get sectioned for it, so I'm thinking of slowly visiting taller buildings and working up my nerve over time. Maybe get intoxicated or bring a blindfold on the day I ctb. I hesitate to call this an attempt, because I don't want it to fail. I'm doing this not as a cry for help, I'm doing this because I want to, I need to die. And ideally soon.

I've been incredibly suicidal over the past 4 days or so, and I've felt like talking to someone about it. But I can't. As far as I'm aware, my parents think I'm super stressed about some deadlines coming up (which is not untrue). And the last time they knew, they reacted extremely poorly. If I spill, I'm going to be the one doing damage control and comforting them, not the other way round. I have one really really awesome friend who knows some details about how fucked I am, but I don't think I should tell her. Admittedly, I'm a bit afraid she might spill the beans to my parents (?) though the chance of that is quite low, unless I tell her I plan to act imminently. But the main reason I'm probably not going to tell her is, there's nothing she can do about it. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but I doubt I am.

I think the reason why I feel like this is because I've been recovering and improving, yet I see no hope in continuing the recovery process. Me 6 months ago would be relatively pleased with the progress I've made so far, but me now doesn't see what the big deal is. I improved my situation a bit, I managed to do a bit of stuff, but there's no joy in it at all. I look ahead and I don't see anything to look forward to if I continue recovery. I don't know whether I want to recover any more. I'm honestly not sure. So yeah, I guess that's me.


If you're going to respond with positivity, I honestly don't mind, maybe it might even help. But if it's not helping me, and I ask you to stop, please do respect my wishes.

I know what you mean about not wanting to freak out strangers with your suicide. I've gone through the same study: when do I do it? Where do I do it? Can I write a note to warn the finders. Would the police be the best ones to find me? They've seen it before. Heck they kill a few themselves, LOL.

 

[alivefornow]

You come through as desperate, which I can understand. But please don't act out of impulse, think it through and figure out if death is what you really want.

 

[dw33ter]

I hope you give it more time. And maybe open up to your friend and parents. I think it's worth it. You need all the help you can get right now. And you deserve it. I'm sorry you feel so shitty. It could just be brain chemicals messing with you. Why throw everything away when there could be an easy fix just round the corner? If you haven't got an easy way to CTB, sometimes the logical thing is to just try and recover instead. I'm sorry you feel like this

Thanks for your kind response, and for taking the time to read my verbal diarrhoea.

I know I need help, and I am and have been getting help – I go for therapy fortnightly which has helped me make progress so far, and it's been essentially been one of the only times I've been able to be relatively open about what I feel and my struggles. It's just that I don't know how much more I can go through. Improvement takes a lot of effort and willpower, which I am in short supply of. I don't know how much more I can persevere, and I think it's more than likely I'll break down completely instead of recover. Admittedly I have been off meds for 3 (or maybe 4) months, but those months have been the most productive and best months in terms of personal improvement. They just weren't working when I was on them. I'm considering getting back on them in my current situation. Maybe they'll actually help this time, fingers crossed.

I don't know, I don't think there's an easy fix for my situation, if I want to recover there will certainly be a lot of willpower and strength needed. But similarly, ctb isn't easy either, hence my dilemma. I will likely give it more time, if not because I want to, because of my inertia and how busy I will be in the next few days.

I'm curious to hear your point of view, why should I open up to my friend? From what I see, that will only serve to worry her, and she will unlikely be able to do anything constructive to help me. At the most, I get some comfort from opening up, but that's what I'm doing here on this forum. Do let me know if I'm being overly pessimistic or analysing the situation wrong. (Btw, parents are a nonstarter, I know that will fuck me up even more since that means I have to deal with not just myself breaking down but also them. I wish I lived in a world where they would respond in a conducive way, but alas, we can only control ourselves and our response, not others)

Sorry for the long reply, and thank you for showing care and concern for a stranger on the internet.

You come through as desperate, which I can understand. But please don't act out of impulse, think it through and figure out if death is what you really want.

Acting out of impulse is the last thing I want to do, I know that suicide is permanent. I didn't mention it above, but I have a seven day rule where I will only kill myself if I am absolutely sure that this is the only way forward for every second and every moment for seven days in a row. If I waver even slightly, or even have the slightest bit of hope, I reset the timer. I'm currently on day 4, and it's the longest period I've ever had.

 

[jodes2]

It's just a gut feeling really, it's good to be open with people about these things for support. A problem shared is a problem halved, and all that. Maybe you just need different midication? Really well done for persevering! But unless you communicate well with people close to you I strongly believe it's wrong to CTB, you should give people a chance to have their input

 

[dw33ter]

In a sense, I've given both my friend and my parents "input" on my intention to ctb. My friend believes that at the end of the day, it's my decision, and they respect that. My parents made it all about Jesus, which is why I don't intend to get any more input from them.

I just feel that while I may be able to get some degree of support from my friend, I don't want to burden her with things she can't help me with. If I share this with her, she'll get even more worried about me, and I'll have to manage that worry, which will be another source of stress for me. As it is, I'm already stretched thin, so I'd rather not take that up.

But yeah, maybe I'll ask for new meds after trying my old ones again for a while.

 

[FuneralCry]

Jumping sounds like such a terrifying method to me but I do admire those who had the courage to go through with it. I hate how other people think that they have the right to interfere with ctb attempts, going through with suicide is already difficult enough without the fear of having an attempt interrupted. But anyway I wish you the best, I would always see it as being such a terrible idea opening up to people about wanting to die but at least you have one person who is respectful of your decision.