Venting on feelings and plan

[stilhavinightmares]

I think I'm going to try to CTB late next week. It's my dog's birthday on Wednesday and I want to be here for that because she is my whole life, and after that I have very small windows of times: Friday morning as I am usually out of the house for 3 hours for intensive outpatient program, Friday evening when my wife works for a few hours out of the house…or Sunday night, or Monday morning. I didn't book a hotel or anything and I'm not sure I will. I've been thinking about just doing it in my car at a park & ride, just lying down in the backseat (I have an SUV). Dumb to ask but what do you guys think?

I have tried everything besides ECT, TMS, or ketamine. My doctor is out of office all next week so he can't get any of those options moving. I have little hope in them anyway.

I just don't know how much longer I can hang on. I tried so much beyond what I thought I could and I'm still suicidal. Part of me just needs to try it even if ultimately it doesn't work. It feels like I have to. Even though if I fail it will ruin my life.

My job protection ends on Friday and I wanted to do it while I'm still employed for life insurance for my family. I applied to extend my leave but there's a chance they could say no and terminate me.

I feel so utterly alone and in despair. I find I can't talk to anyone about any of my symptoms openly besides my individual therapist, and she is out until late next week too. My mind doesn't let me experience life like a human anymore. I feel like an empty shell. I am so tired. I want to feel better but nothing is sustainable at this point and I don't want to try anymore.

Oh, my method is SN. I have weak antiemetics so I'm scared of vomiting it but I have enough for 4 glasses.

The anticipatory guilt of hurting my loved ones is beyond what I can express. I just can't fight anymore. There are no other options for me because I cannot wait any longer. Inpatient at the hospital is pointless for me. Meds don't work obviously.

I am in agony almost the full 24 hours of every day. The only things that make me feel even fleetingly better are sleeping, cannabis, and food. I can't not do anything anymore. I need to take care of myself.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. It's so clear how much you are suffering and how much you have tried to get better. I'm so sorry things haven't improved. I hope you can make peace with your decision- whatever that may be.

I'm not sure if anywhere public is the best place to do it. I imagine there'll be cameras up at car parks and perhaps people around. Still- it also seems kinder not to do it at home. I guess you could try and book somewhere last minute. I really don't know. I'm even scared doing it at home- even though I live alone- just in case the neighbours hear and worry.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I'm so sorry. It's so clear how much you are suffering and how much you have tried to get better. I'm so sorry things haven't improved. I hope you can make peace with your decision- whatever that may be.

I'm not sure if anywhere public is the best place to do it. I imagine there'll be cameras up at car parks and perhaps people around. Still- it also seems kinder not to do it at home. I guess you could try and book somewhere last minute. I really don't know. I'm even scared doing it at home- even though I live alone- just in case the neighbours hear and worry.

Thank you for your kind words and for just listening. I agree about somewhere public not being great, but I can't do it at home and I'm too scared to book a hotel because it would be very hard for me to maintain the lies to my family, I would cave and not do it

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot and it must be so tiring being trapped in that situation, it's very much understandable wishing to be free from it all. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I just want my family and friends not to blame me. I want them to understand I can't do this anymore and how unfair it is to expect me to. I don't want to hurt them and I don't want to leave my dog but I need to do this. I decided on booking a room, just figuring out when. I'd rather do it in the morning so my wife and dog will be home together but I'd need a room for multiple nights then, and I can't sneak away to check in because we are usually all home most afternoons together.