hey guys, im always contemplating but now it's a fear. it's hard to even type this. what if it's the best answer? my boyfriend is right beside me. i love and care for him too much to really tell him how i feel.... why is it easier to admit to a bunch of strangers this? probably because you guys don't know me. so to you, im wandergirl, a 22 year old reckless mess. but it's like i don't wanna die, i just want life to get better. ugh I'm still trying with the systems, so ill give it a chance......
I'm not trying to influence you to CTB or not CTB, but I will share my experience.
22 years ago our family struggled daily. The house we lived in was awful. My spouse and I made a little above minimum wage and we paid almost half of that for our kids to be in daycare while we worked. My job was a dead-end role that would never get better. All of this put strain on my marriage. My wife left with the kids to live with her mother. Two days after she left, I was served an eviction notice. Apparently, she hadn't paid the rent for four months and never bothered to tell me. I was at my lowest. I reached out for help via counseling. It helped. He helped me identify small steps I could do to immediately improve the situation and larger steps to do over time. My family reunited, We moved to a smaller but safer house in a much better neighborhood. I went back to school part time. My wife and I got marriage counseling.
All of that is to say sometimes we just need someone to help us see a way out. Life still came at us pretty hard. Lost my job. Death of close family members. Wife diagnosed with MS. Wife found out she inherited two heart conditions, one of which claimed her brother 17 years ago. I was diagnosed with health problems that will claim my life someday (if I don't ctb first).. We got through it all.
I have different struggles now and no real companion to help with the burdens. You have a boyfriend you love and he loves you. You stated you don't want to die. It doesn't sound like you're ready to ctb, but that's a decision you have to make.
