lets put some context, I am a 32 year old woman HAHAHAHA done, thats it! what worse than that? LOL joke joke
Nothing like a good joke to dive into the darkness of our soul and deepest desires of death. I feel like venting sometimes is like a race to show who had the worst life and imagine how we could live others depressions better, but despite that I also feel that is the only place where we can let all out.
I am feeling really really tired and desperate, I can recall a life from sexual abuses, insults, punishments and trying to fit into a family and society that the only thing that do was make fun of me or attack me, I have notice my problem has being always being "to nice", but is actually being a decent human being something that basically nobody is. When I was 17 I had my third suicidal attempt, I can't remember what I take but it was an overdose of psychiatric drugs, I was so close to get it, but I started convulsing and fell out of bed so hard that I woke up the people downstairs and they went upstairs to see what was going on. Now 15 years have passed and I feel that if I had died that day I would not have missed anything, I have caressed all my dreams with the tips of my fingers only for others to destroy them.
I feel that I have make so many efforts to get what makes me happy only to lose it, one of the most demoralizing moments was when I got the job of my dreams, I was able to have my space, a happiness that didn't last because my boss was a person who constantly made fun of me in front of everyone, apart from sexually harassing me, I remember very well the first time it happened, he and another FEMALE colleague were insulting me because I did not agree to have oral sex with him, we had finished lunch and there was still an hour of recess left, so we went to sleep in the cars before resuming shift and It was something that everybody always did in the office, that day it was just the three of us and this happened, they pressured me, insulted me, attacked me, they told me I was a prude and other things when I really didn't want to, and I was so afraid of losing everything , of the consequences, because he was finally my boss, but as expected it was not the only time and after a year crying in the bathroom every day I had the courage to resign and say that I was going to take a sabbatical year, obviously never I could go back to get this job even if I wanted to. I had to go back to my toxic family, leave my dreams, start from 0, every job after that one was awful for me, I would just lock on the bathroom and cry, even my family realize how bad it was and put me into therapy.
It has being 5 years already since that, I start working again on something I really don't like, move forward, eventually find a camgirl job, and is like a joke, I am alone in my room without anyone around who can touch me but I am showing to the world the body that they have wanted to abuse since I can remember and I was a baby, because it seems that that was the only thing I came into the world for, to be used and unhappy, and you know I am not any better, I hate this job, I hate it cause I don't want to be in front of cam, I am to sad to fake to others that I am happy and naughty while I wait for hours and hours alone waiting for someone to come spend on me, the worst part is that I had to work with a studio and to put it simple of every $100 someone spend on me I only receive $15, I don't do well like everybody think, I have my own place again only since 5 months ago, but I have starve the whole time, and I have to leave this studio cause they are taking all the result of my hard work and theywont let me go as an independent model, they say I cant start from 0 but had to wait 6 months, now I am moving to a new plataform that I dont like or do well like the one I had with the studio, with all my responsibilities when I am already picking between one thing or another, to start from scratch again, faking happiness and I am so tired, I am tired of feeling miserable to go online and make enough, I can't go back to be a graphic designer cause that give me the worst panic and anxiety attacks ever, not enough self steam to start something on my own (wish I already did in the pandemic and fail) so what the fuck do I do? I leave in Colombia, so you are or incredible lucky, or a man, or an ass licker with no dignity or a hoe to do well here, I cant get online jobs as VA cause... I am Colombian and is so fucking hard even if my english is good, I don't want to leave my house to another job where I can see all this people with doble moral who would excuse their shitty selfs in your depression, I have try to kill myself so so so so many times and haven't being even close to that third time, then among all this got a dog to keep me company and is the only thing that keeps me alive, but I have figure out what to do with him, he would be okay, I just need to find an efective method to kill myself, a nice one, I think is fair if I couldn't live the life I try so hard to have at least I could chose a calm death, a gun would be perfect...
All sound so easy but so hard to get, I give up on giving up, I am tired of being sad and worrying about money my whole life, I was thinking Pentobarbital but I dont know anybody here, no vet with low standars. Thanks for reading me, help me feel... worse haahahah but light, lightly worse. Thanks
Nothing like a good joke to dive into the darkness of our soul and deepest desires of death. I feel like venting sometimes is like a race to show who had the worst life and imagine how we could live others depressions better, but despite that I also feel that is the only place where we can let all out.
I am feeling really really tired and desperate, I can recall a life from sexual abuses, insults, punishments and trying to fit into a family and society that the only thing that do was make fun of me or attack me, I have notice my problem has being always being "to nice", but is actually being a decent human being something that basically nobody is. When I was 17 I had my third suicidal attempt, I can't remember what I take but it was an overdose of psychiatric drugs, I was so close to get it, but I started convulsing and fell out of bed so hard that I woke up the people downstairs and they went upstairs to see what was going on. Now 15 years have passed and I feel that if I had died that day I would not have missed anything, I have caressed all my dreams with the tips of my fingers only for others to destroy them.
I feel that I have make so many efforts to get what makes me happy only to lose it, one of the most demoralizing moments was when I got the job of my dreams, I was able to have my space, a happiness that didn't last because my boss was a person who constantly made fun of me in front of everyone, apart from sexually harassing me, I remember very well the first time it happened, he and another FEMALE colleague were insulting me because I did not agree to have oral sex with him, we had finished lunch and there was still an hour of recess left, so we went to sleep in the cars before resuming shift and It was something that everybody always did in the office, that day it was just the three of us and this happened, they pressured me, insulted me, attacked me, they told me I was a prude and other things when I really didn't want to, and I was so afraid of losing everything , of the consequences, because he was finally my boss, but as expected it was not the only time and after a year crying in the bathroom every day I had the courage to resign and say that I was going to take a sabbatical year, obviously never I could go back to get this job even if I wanted to. I had to go back to my toxic family, leave my dreams, start from 0, every job after that one was awful for me, I would just lock on the bathroom and cry, even my family realize how bad it was and put me into therapy.
It has being 5 years already since that, I start working again on something I really don't like, move forward, eventually find a camgirl job, and is like a joke, I am alone in my room without anyone around who can touch me but I am showing to the world the body that they have wanted to abuse since I can remember and I was a baby, because it seems that that was the only thing I came into the world for, to be used and unhappy, and you know I am not any better, I hate this job, I hate it cause I don't want to be in front of cam, I am to sad to fake to others that I am happy and naughty while I wait for hours and hours alone waiting for someone to come spend on me, the worst part is that I had to work with a studio and to put it simple of every $100 someone spend on me I only receive $15, I don't do well like everybody think, I have my own place again only since 5 months ago, but I have starve the whole time, and I have to leave this studio cause they are taking all the result of my hard work and theywont let me go as an independent model, they say I cant start from 0 but had to wait 6 months, now I am moving to a new plataform that I dont like or do well like the one I had with the studio, with all my responsibilities when I am already picking between one thing or another, to start from scratch again, faking happiness and I am so tired, I am tired of feeling miserable to go online and make enough, I can't go back to be a graphic designer cause that give me the worst panic and anxiety attacks ever, not enough self steam to start something on my own (wish I already did in the pandemic and fail) so what the fuck do I do? I leave in Colombia, so you are or incredible lucky, or a man, or an ass licker with no dignity or a hoe to do well here, I cant get online jobs as VA cause... I am Colombian and is so fucking hard even if my english is good, I don't want to leave my house to another job where I can see all this people with doble moral who would excuse their shitty selfs in your depression, I have try to kill myself so so so so many times and haven't being even close to that third time, then among all this got a dog to keep me company and is the only thing that keeps me alive, but I have figure out what to do with him, he would be okay, I just need to find an efective method to kill myself, a nice one, I think is fair if I couldn't live the life I try so hard to have at least I could chose a calm death, a gun would be perfect...
All sound so easy but so hard to get, I give up on giving up, I am tired of being sad and worrying about money my whole life, I was thinking Pentobarbital but I dont know anybody here, no vet with low standars. Thanks for reading me, help me feel... worse haahahah but light, lightly worse. Thanks
