I don't know if I just want validation for my feelings or just put them out there so they don't just sit on my chest.
But like I hate my family and most of the time I feel that people use that word lightly, but I just want to make it clear that I am not using those words lightly.
Also: Yes, I know it's probably an unhealthy feeling I also know it probably makes me an angry and bitter person, which on it's own probably drives people away from me, but I just can't help it. ( also I think most people would view me like sasuke from Naruto, and I've always seen people make fun of him etc. and dispite not liking to admit I feel like I have similar aspects in myself).
I think I am not good at trying to see the good in people, and I am not good at being forgiving.
Well starting off, who am I talking about, I feel like I generaly dislike people, the human race as a whole, nature is cruel, and millions of years of evolution shaped us into being the way we are in part ( I am not going to get a lot into that cause it is not the main point for me today). I've always sort of used a stars sistem in my head, and in my head everyone starts at zero. And I know I am harsh, judgmental, I set the bar too high, and I also do it for myself, and I know it's not a good thing... But I am going off topic.
My family: My grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, my sisters, my father, my stepmother and mother. I feel like I hate, I despise all of them, but in different mesures. I feel like the more time I spend around them the more I hate them.
My grandmother has been dead for idk like ten years now, I don't really know, which is either how much I didn't care for her or just my bad memory and Basic ADHD, she was matriarch of the family, everything came from her and sort of started with her and my grandfather. My grandfather brought the rage to the table, but she, she brought the lies, manipulation, dissimulation, the fake smiles, the plotting, the emotional balckmailing, the weponization of information.
I remember when I was a kid, my step mother would do some fucked up shit ( she was another queen of dissimulation) toward me and my sisters, and I was probably eight years old, she would do things like force us to only eat in the kichen (whilst her kisd could eat in their rooms), how if I went in the pool I had to shower outside, ( so I wouldn't wet the floor) eventhough the creepy neighbors sons would watch us, ( her kids could take those showers inside), if any of us took too long in the shower aka more than 10 minutes, she would turn off the water, school material was always the cheapest ( again for us, her kids, had whatever they wanted), there were so many little things like that, there were so many things I was not allowed, and I remember one time, I was a stupid child, I didn't know that " anything I say cand and will be used agaisnt me" so one time, my father dropped me and my sisters to saty a week in my grandma's house and I told her something my step mom had done, of course, she used that information, for her personal gain, and I got fucked, my father beat the shit out of me when we got home.
She did some good things for me too, like one time I was getting eletrecuted, and everyone was just waching and she being barely capable of walking pulled me out.
Still it never felt safe to tell her anything, she was so manipulating. For some reason she would also aways give me and my sisters the worst chores, and of course in my family there isn't a "oh I don't want to do that". if you say something like that, if you do, that infomation goes straight to my dad and get what, he would beat the shit out of us, and then he would force us to do it. So lets say she was nice, as long you were on her good side, antagonize her, and you are history, she was also very controlling.
But honestly I feel like I've hated her less, since she died, I think it's cause I don't actually have to spend time with her.
I was always more or less indifferent with my granpa cause after he got old, he was basically just a puppet of my grandmother.
My uncles are cunts, there is this rivalry between them, all sort of wanting to me my grandmothers favorite, ( which one is the best son) and again obviously they were always looking for dirt on eachother, always taking shit behind other people's back, but then being hugs and smiles, infront of them, I always hated that, and I mentioned beofre I have ADHD and that always bit me in the ass as a kid, cause I had a hard time controlling myself, my cousings always perfect in comparison, also the racism, cause I am mixed my mother has a darker skin whilst my fathers family is "white" they are polish and Portuguese, ( although we are all Brazillian, so to actually white people we would all just be latinos) and for some reason there was always this feeling as if me and one of my sisters that also has darker skin tone were inferior. And they would use us to get back at my dad. And never gave a fuck if we were alive or not, but then they want to be invited to my sister's college graduation... so they can suck their own dicks, "say how good, and nice they are, that they came to her graduation". ( Again I am biased cause I hate them, idk).
My cousing I am not close to any of them, I was to one when I was a kid, but all these problems in the family sort of drove us a part and she became an unrecognizeble person to me.
Now obviously the biggest grievances are with my closer family. I recognize that my life could be worse, so much worse, I just watched OPAL by Jack Stauber and that is much, much worse, I never starved, my mother is only partially a drunk...
But like since I was in eigth grade my only goal in life was to get away from my family, I had a plan I tried running away mutiple times, always going back because after crying for hours I knew my best chance at a decent future was to soldier on an at least graduate high school.
Sister 1: the oldest, she is a mystery to me, I can't tell if she is a narcissist, or a psychopath, or just really cryptic, ( she reminds me of characters like Itachi or Chrollo from hunter x hunter) she says she cares, but she was always so cold and distant. And she only does what she wants, and does not care about how that is going to affect others, but at the same time she was the one that took me to school as a kid, or took my report cards, cause my dad lived 400 killometers from us and my mother was more or less uselles. I don't understand her at all, but I do remember one thing. ( maybe she care a little, but she will always have herself first idk)
"One time I was probably 9 or ten, we where watching a scary movie with my dad, and I was in his bad, and it was one of these movies that sort of end with a jumpscare, I got scared, and my dad then tried to scare me more, and then he started teasing me, and tickling me, and at one point I asked him to stop, and he wouldn't cause he and my sisters were laughing at me. I started crying ( big mistake in my house... my house was the "if you wanna cry I am going to give you a reason to cry sort of house hold, needless to say all three of us were always scared of my dad), The second the first tear left my eye, I regreted it, and also the mood of the room changed in a fraction of a second. and I ran, because I actually got scared and I knew he was about to beat the shit out of me, and I ran and I hid in the farthest point of the house I could find, and it was like I horror movie, he came walking slowly after me, cause he knew he didn't neet to run, I could hear him getting closer and there was nothing I could do, and I screamed in fear as he grabbed and twisted my arm, and then he started dragging me throug the backyard, he was a doctor by the way, he was really good at hurting and living minimal bruising, I thought he was going to break my arm and it hurt so bad, and he dragged me up the stair, I couldn't stand up, and then I saw my sister at the window, and I started screamming for help, and she didnt move, she just looked, with a indiferent look in her face. that made my father happy, he even commented on it. he dragged me inside, and kicked me in to our room, told me to grab a chair and sit staring at the wall, that I was not to make any sound, and when he came back I better not be crying or it would be much worse..." She would also be me "if needed" when I was a kid.
I also always felt like my sister neve had any interest in me ( I was the youngest), idk that she was really just sort of indiferent to me. Kind of how itachi is portrayed in a big part of naruto.
Sister 2, the middle child: She was a miniature of my dad. So angry, so explosive, so sentimental, she thinks she is better than everyone alse, and at the same time that her suffering is so much worse than everyone elses, as a kid she would beat me at a regular basis, it was only when I grew up and she couldnt physically beat me anymore that she stopped, my mom is terrifyed of her, caus eshe once flipped, and beat the shit out of my mom, punching kicking, she even pulled out part of my mother's hair. She cannot take any critisism and has zero self-control. She slapped a co-worker once. and to me it was always particularly annoing cause whatever was happening to me, it was always "meaningless" or "easy" aka I was just week, because look at what she is going through. Like when I was in middle school, and I had a hard time with a subject, she was in high school, which "wait until you get to high school then you will she how hard things really are" invalidating my feelings. When I got to it and she was essentially stuying for the Brazillian version of the SAT's same, right I thought a test of my was hard, well hers was much worse. and she is still like that. You just cant talk to her at all, just to agree. and so I don't like her.
My mother: Partial drunk, I would say a functionall drunk, she basically lived most of her life on my father's alimony, that he was forced by law to pay, since me and my sisters lived with her. Obsessive cleaning. like literally swipping the house like 5 or 6 times a day, but so messy and dirty over other things. I got tired of carrying her to the bathroom, to throw up, literaly getting home drunk and not even being able to recognize me, ( she would drink everynight, but would basically just get blasted on the weekends ), and for some reason she would drag me along to those parties. I was really close to her when I was little, and before we moved towns, so that my older sister could go to college. But afterwards she changed, she became so shallow, she started to care so much about her appearence and the opinion of her "friends", so like she had curly hair, her friends basically said her hair was ugly and she should strighten it, and it was in fashion to paint the hair red. so she did both, and I swear she ruined her hair, she put so many chemicals in it, i swear it looke like straw. And I think that was a visual representation to me of the changes ir her personality, and in mother's life she had three priorities, going to the gym, running, drinking, and the church, that she was kicked out of cause of her habits. She just didnt care much about us, we were no longer on her priorities list, if she had to take me to school she would rather I dont go.
I was going away for a school trip once and as a goodamn child I made her a breakfast ( probably shit as I was an 8 year old child) and I left her a letter about how much I loved her, because I was going to leave the house before she woke up, and the next day I got home to a letter in my room titled : Love isn't enough. where she basically discoursed about how she was happy I loved her, but how that was not enough, "essentially" how I had to also be usefull, (basically her love was conditional).
Another time I went to a party with her, because she said there would be other kids there, and I was again a stupid child around 10 or 11 years old, and there were other kids, fine, and we were playing but the floor was cement, and we were playing catch, and I stripped, and scrapped ( I am not sure that is the word) my knee on the floor, I hurt like shit, I was bleeding obviously the other kids ran away and left me, and I started crying and went after my mother who was obviouly drunk and very strongly making out with a man half her age, and I went and crying, asked for help, and she just said she was busy, and puched me away and then proceeded to ignore me. I, as was my ammo, ran away and hid. I wanted to call my dad to pick me up, evethought I knew he was far away, but I knew I couldn't cause I knew there was a possibility he would kill my mother, or at least in my head there was, he had a gun, and like I said he was evry violent, my knee kept bleeding and I called my sister, sister 1. She basically said I told you so, and hanged up. so I cried for an hour, then got up and went to the bathroom and clean myself ( also cuddos to all the other adults there who saw me and ignored me) and I tried my best to bandage myself. and then I ran away, when it was time to go home, she wanted us to go to the guy's house, and I ran away, cause I didn't want to, and she didnt come after me. She just walked away with him. We where downtown it was past midnight, I was 10, and I didnt know how to get home, there was no google maps then, I sat and cried again, and ended up going back, because I told myself I was not going to ruin my future because of her. I really strongly hated her, and wished her dead, after that night it was the last drop for me. Like she died for me, after that, no longer my mother just a person I had to share a house with. And honestly our relationship was never the same after that. and I still hate her to a degree, although I don't wish her dead, I just want distance.
My father: abusive, controlling piece of shit. He beat us, treated us like shit, acted like he was god. nothing was ever good enough, literaly if I got an A (the max. cause there are no + or - in grades in brazil) it was cause the test must have been so easy an idiot like me could get that grade, but if I got a B, I was an imbecil. nothing was ever praised, "you are doing nothing more than your obligation" he would beat us for almost nothing ( by the way my mother left cause he made her give up her career, beated her, and cheated on her). And he was absolutely controlling wanted to know where we were at all times, I couldn't even choose my clothes, ( to a point where I honestly had a break down once as an 19 year old when one of my stepmoms "the better one" took me shopping for my birth day, and I was uncapable of choosing my own sweater) we would go to a store and he would let me choose like three t-shirts, but he would choose which one he would allow me to have. I have to give him points because most of the skills I have is because of him, which actually makes me feel disgusted sometimes. But of all people I hate my father the most, he also allowed our step-mother to treat us like shit. I am going to tell a few stories on my dad.
First one involving my step-mother the worst one of the two we had. just for context all my vacations were spent at my dad's house I was not allowed to go anywhere else, then there or my grandmas ( where he would take us when he would get sick of us). Anyway, I had been asking all summer to have some friends over, (because the only friends I had in life were the ones I had in the small town my mother left whe I was 7) so I had been wanting to see them for soo long, and my father finally agreed and my step mom "agreed" I sort of made so she couldn't say no ( don't worry she will get her revenge). My dad left for work, and she drilled me with so many rules, it was almost embarassing, we wached Jason goes to hell, then I made my friends help me clean the livin room with me, then we ate, and I had to make them help me clean the kitchen, then we went out for the pool, and I even told them they couldn't jump into the pool too much cause we coulnd't splash too much water out "make a mess", then we all had to shower outside, then they went home, and I was stil happy cause despite at all, I still got to see them, and I was a very lonely kid. And even after all my efforts, my step-mother pulled me aside after they left and told me we much too much of a mess, ( not even 1/3 of what her son did with his friends but anyway..) and I was forbbiden to ever invited them again. My dad was a doctor in an ICU and he would be on duty in there for like 24h stright and some times he would take me with him, which I liked cause "i had him all to myself" one day not long after this one of his friends asked me if my step-mother "was one those bad ones from the movies" if had ever done anything like it with me I was stupid enough to tell him that she had told me I was forbiden to take my friends home, oh boy, when the other doctor left, my dad was livid, he called her to ask if it was true what I said, she obviously said no, that she would never say that and I could bring them over whenever I wanted. My dad beat the shit so much that night I think I slept in the bathroom of the hospital, cause I was crying and scared.
Bonus story: of my step mom being a bitch, see she said I was waking her up at night when I would wake up in the middle of the night to pee, so she essentially "locked" me in the basement ( there was a bed there, but also so many spiders) to sleep down there, and gave me ( I am a girl) a bucket and a roll of toilet paper in case I needed to pee.
Second: I was taking driving lessons and I have anxiety, so I was having packing attack during the exams and failing at them, but since my dad was the one paying for them, he wanted to be infromed, so every time I failed I had to call him to tell and I failed 4 times, on the fourth he basically said I shoudl quit, cause I was useless and I was not cut out to drive. and I was already felling like such a failure, I went to a bridge on my way home, and stood there thinking bout killing myself, thinking about jumping, after our conversation, I was too scared to do it, also the birdge was over a highway and I didn't want to kill anyone or hurt anyone with my death, so I just went home, also no my mom or sisters didn't console me at all. something very similar happened when I failed the SAT and didn't get into colege for the second time " biology isn't even that hard to get into..." He had berated me so much the first time, that on the night I managed to get the hold of the results before anyone else knew and I saw I had failed, everything ( th e ideia of dealing with my family, and the idea of having one year added to my sentence, cause that is how I felt, I literaly had above my bed much many year were left before leaving) that I tried to kill myself for real, for the first time, slit my wrist and layed on the floor. No don't worry no one found me, I passed out and woke up at 3 in th emoring with a bit of blood around me, cleaned myself, cried a lot and went ot bed, and proceeded to be bareted the next morning.
Last I promise, althoug I doubt anyone will read all of this shit: I was so traumatized, that one time in class in my last year of high school. I had a math teacher, he was grumpy, but kind... and I have ADHD, and it sucks, sometimes I get so caught up on wanting to say something or needing to say something it can be annoying, and he was explaining something to someone else, and I kept tapping him on the shoulder, ( Yes I was 17 years old) until eventually he turned and raised his voice to say wait, let me finish, and he did a gesture, and of course he was not going to beat me, but that was not what my brain saw in those three seconds, so I flinched, and he saw, and I think he unterstood, and he froze for a couple of seconds, and the look in his face of surprise, ( because I was buliied in school so I learned to be the "tough" girl) and concern, I got so embarrased, and I felt so weak and fucked, because it was almost a reflex, I was getting ready to get slapped across the face, and I so embarraced, I started crying. I just looked at him and said, "nevermind" ( I felt like a child) and went to my desk, and I put my headphones on face down and cried, in class.
Now my father had two strokes and he is left in a bed, he can't talk or walk, and me and my sisters are the ones responsible to take care of him, and he doesnt talk he groans or moans only, and his voice changed, so I have to feed him and change his diapers, and give him his meds, and "take care" of him when he has tantrums, and have I said I hate him, the sound of his voice is enough to get my blood boiling, and I hate having to take care of him and I don't understand how my sisters still love him.
And I feel like I should be "nice" but I can't I try and I always fail, cause I hate him too much, honestly I wish he had died, we have been taking care of him for almost two years, now and I tried to kill myself other 3 times whilst he is living with us, because I still am in college and I ( its a public college in Brazil thing) can't really work, so I cant live by myself. But like every noise he makes every plea for attention or help, just makes me honestly smother him with a pillow, and he is still violent sometimes, he tryes to slap us. and I told him if he ever touches me again, I am never entering that room again, he can be in a puddle of piss, or dying I don't care.
And to finish, the point is I hate him so much, so much. I absolutely despise him and I know its probably bad for me, but I can't help it and I honestly feel like I am right in hating him.
End of monologue
But like I hate my family and most of the time I feel that people use that word lightly, but I just want to make it clear that I am not using those words lightly.
Also: Yes, I know it's probably an unhealthy feeling I also know it probably makes me an angry and bitter person, which on it's own probably drives people away from me, but I just can't help it. ( also I think most people would view me like sasuke from Naruto, and I've always seen people make fun of him etc. and dispite not liking to admit I feel like I have similar aspects in myself).
I think I am not good at trying to see the good in people, and I am not good at being forgiving.
Well starting off, who am I talking about, I feel like I generaly dislike people, the human race as a whole, nature is cruel, and millions of years of evolution shaped us into being the way we are in part ( I am not going to get a lot into that cause it is not the main point for me today). I've always sort of used a stars sistem in my head, and in my head everyone starts at zero. And I know I am harsh, judgmental, I set the bar too high, and I also do it for myself, and I know it's not a good thing... But I am going off topic.
My family: My grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, my sisters, my father, my stepmother and mother. I feel like I hate, I despise all of them, but in different mesures. I feel like the more time I spend around them the more I hate them.
My grandmother has been dead for idk like ten years now, I don't really know, which is either how much I didn't care for her or just my bad memory and Basic ADHD, she was matriarch of the family, everything came from her and sort of started with her and my grandfather. My grandfather brought the rage to the table, but she, she brought the lies, manipulation, dissimulation, the fake smiles, the plotting, the emotional balckmailing, the weponization of information.
I remember when I was a kid, my step mother would do some fucked up shit ( she was another queen of dissimulation) toward me and my sisters, and I was probably eight years old, she would do things like force us to only eat in the kichen (whilst her kisd could eat in their rooms), how if I went in the pool I had to shower outside, ( so I wouldn't wet the floor) eventhough the creepy neighbors sons would watch us, ( her kids could take those showers inside), if any of us took too long in the shower aka more than 10 minutes, she would turn off the water, school material was always the cheapest ( again for us, her kids, had whatever they wanted), there were so many little things like that, there were so many things I was not allowed, and I remember one time, I was a stupid child, I didn't know that " anything I say cand and will be used agaisnt me" so one time, my father dropped me and my sisters to saty a week in my grandma's house and I told her something my step mom had done, of course, she used that information, for her personal gain, and I got fucked, my father beat the shit out of me when we got home.
She did some good things for me too, like one time I was getting eletrecuted, and everyone was just waching and she being barely capable of walking pulled me out.
Still it never felt safe to tell her anything, she was so manipulating. For some reason she would also aways give me and my sisters the worst chores, and of course in my family there isn't a "oh I don't want to do that". if you say something like that, if you do, that infomation goes straight to my dad and get what, he would beat the shit out of us, and then he would force us to do it. So lets say she was nice, as long you were on her good side, antagonize her, and you are history, she was also very controlling.
But honestly I feel like I've hated her less, since she died, I think it's cause I don't actually have to spend time with her.
I was always more or less indifferent with my granpa cause after he got old, he was basically just a puppet of my grandmother.
My uncles are cunts, there is this rivalry between them, all sort of wanting to me my grandmothers favorite, ( which one is the best son) and again obviously they were always looking for dirt on eachother, always taking shit behind other people's back, but then being hugs and smiles, infront of them, I always hated that, and I mentioned beofre I have ADHD and that always bit me in the ass as a kid, cause I had a hard time controlling myself, my cousings always perfect in comparison, also the racism, cause I am mixed my mother has a darker skin whilst my fathers family is "white" they are polish and Portuguese, ( although we are all Brazillian, so to actually white people we would all just be latinos) and for some reason there was always this feeling as if me and one of my sisters that also has darker skin tone were inferior. And they would use us to get back at my dad. And never gave a fuck if we were alive or not, but then they want to be invited to my sister's college graduation... so they can suck their own dicks, "say how good, and nice they are, that they came to her graduation". ( Again I am biased cause I hate them, idk).
My cousing I am not close to any of them, I was to one when I was a kid, but all these problems in the family sort of drove us a part and she became an unrecognizeble person to me.
Now obviously the biggest grievances are with my closer family. I recognize that my life could be worse, so much worse, I just watched OPAL by Jack Stauber and that is much, much worse, I never starved, my mother is only partially a drunk...
But like since I was in eigth grade my only goal in life was to get away from my family, I had a plan I tried running away mutiple times, always going back because after crying for hours I knew my best chance at a decent future was to soldier on an at least graduate high school.
Sister 1: the oldest, she is a mystery to me, I can't tell if she is a narcissist, or a psychopath, or just really cryptic, ( she reminds me of characters like Itachi or Chrollo from hunter x hunter) she says she cares, but she was always so cold and distant. And she only does what she wants, and does not care about how that is going to affect others, but at the same time she was the one that took me to school as a kid, or took my report cards, cause my dad lived 400 killometers from us and my mother was more or less uselles. I don't understand her at all, but I do remember one thing. ( maybe she care a little, but she will always have herself first idk)
"One time I was probably 9 or ten, we where watching a scary movie with my dad, and I was in his bad, and it was one of these movies that sort of end with a jumpscare, I got scared, and my dad then tried to scare me more, and then he started teasing me, and tickling me, and at one point I asked him to stop, and he wouldn't cause he and my sisters were laughing at me. I started crying ( big mistake in my house... my house was the "if you wanna cry I am going to give you a reason to cry sort of house hold, needless to say all three of us were always scared of my dad), The second the first tear left my eye, I regreted it, and also the mood of the room changed in a fraction of a second. and I ran, because I actually got scared and I knew he was about to beat the shit out of me, and I ran and I hid in the farthest point of the house I could find, and it was like I horror movie, he came walking slowly after me, cause he knew he didn't neet to run, I could hear him getting closer and there was nothing I could do, and I screamed in fear as he grabbed and twisted my arm, and then he started dragging me throug the backyard, he was a doctor by the way, he was really good at hurting and living minimal bruising, I thought he was going to break my arm and it hurt so bad, and he dragged me up the stair, I couldn't stand up, and then I saw my sister at the window, and I started screamming for help, and she didnt move, she just looked, with a indiferent look in her face. that made my father happy, he even commented on it. he dragged me inside, and kicked me in to our room, told me to grab a chair and sit staring at the wall, that I was not to make any sound, and when he came back I better not be crying or it would be much worse..." She would also be me "if needed" when I was a kid.
I also always felt like my sister neve had any interest in me ( I was the youngest), idk that she was really just sort of indiferent to me. Kind of how itachi is portrayed in a big part of naruto.
Sister 2, the middle child: She was a miniature of my dad. So angry, so explosive, so sentimental, she thinks she is better than everyone alse, and at the same time that her suffering is so much worse than everyone elses, as a kid she would beat me at a regular basis, it was only when I grew up and she couldnt physically beat me anymore that she stopped, my mom is terrifyed of her, caus eshe once flipped, and beat the shit out of my mom, punching kicking, she even pulled out part of my mother's hair. She cannot take any critisism and has zero self-control. She slapped a co-worker once. and to me it was always particularly annoing cause whatever was happening to me, it was always "meaningless" or "easy" aka I was just week, because look at what she is going through. Like when I was in middle school, and I had a hard time with a subject, she was in high school, which "wait until you get to high school then you will she how hard things really are" invalidating my feelings. When I got to it and she was essentially stuying for the Brazillian version of the SAT's same, right I thought a test of my was hard, well hers was much worse. and she is still like that. You just cant talk to her at all, just to agree. and so I don't like her.
My mother: Partial drunk, I would say a functionall drunk, she basically lived most of her life on my father's alimony, that he was forced by law to pay, since me and my sisters lived with her. Obsessive cleaning. like literally swipping the house like 5 or 6 times a day, but so messy and dirty over other things. I got tired of carrying her to the bathroom, to throw up, literaly getting home drunk and not even being able to recognize me, ( she would drink everynight, but would basically just get blasted on the weekends ), and for some reason she would drag me along to those parties. I was really close to her when I was little, and before we moved towns, so that my older sister could go to college. But afterwards she changed, she became so shallow, she started to care so much about her appearence and the opinion of her "friends", so like she had curly hair, her friends basically said her hair was ugly and she should strighten it, and it was in fashion to paint the hair red. so she did both, and I swear she ruined her hair, she put so many chemicals in it, i swear it looke like straw. And I think that was a visual representation to me of the changes ir her personality, and in mother's life she had three priorities, going to the gym, running, drinking, and the church, that she was kicked out of cause of her habits. She just didnt care much about us, we were no longer on her priorities list, if she had to take me to school she would rather I dont go.
I was going away for a school trip once and as a goodamn child I made her a breakfast ( probably shit as I was an 8 year old child) and I left her a letter about how much I loved her, because I was going to leave the house before she woke up, and the next day I got home to a letter in my room titled : Love isn't enough. where she basically discoursed about how she was happy I loved her, but how that was not enough, "essentially" how I had to also be usefull, (basically her love was conditional).
Another time I went to a party with her, because she said there would be other kids there, and I was again a stupid child around 10 or 11 years old, and there were other kids, fine, and we were playing but the floor was cement, and we were playing catch, and I stripped, and scrapped ( I am not sure that is the word) my knee on the floor, I hurt like shit, I was bleeding obviously the other kids ran away and left me, and I started crying and went after my mother who was obviouly drunk and very strongly making out with a man half her age, and I went and crying, asked for help, and she just said she was busy, and puched me away and then proceeded to ignore me. I, as was my ammo, ran away and hid. I wanted to call my dad to pick me up, evethought I knew he was far away, but I knew I couldn't cause I knew there was a possibility he would kill my mother, or at least in my head there was, he had a gun, and like I said he was evry violent, my knee kept bleeding and I called my sister, sister 1. She basically said I told you so, and hanged up. so I cried for an hour, then got up and went to the bathroom and clean myself ( also cuddos to all the other adults there who saw me and ignored me) and I tried my best to bandage myself. and then I ran away, when it was time to go home, she wanted us to go to the guy's house, and I ran away, cause I didn't want to, and she didnt come after me. She just walked away with him. We where downtown it was past midnight, I was 10, and I didnt know how to get home, there was no google maps then, I sat and cried again, and ended up going back, because I told myself I was not going to ruin my future because of her. I really strongly hated her, and wished her dead, after that night it was the last drop for me. Like she died for me, after that, no longer my mother just a person I had to share a house with. And honestly our relationship was never the same after that. and I still hate her to a degree, although I don't wish her dead, I just want distance.
My father: abusive, controlling piece of shit. He beat us, treated us like shit, acted like he was god. nothing was ever good enough, literaly if I got an A (the max. cause there are no + or - in grades in brazil) it was cause the test must have been so easy an idiot like me could get that grade, but if I got a B, I was an imbecil. nothing was ever praised, "you are doing nothing more than your obligation" he would beat us for almost nothing ( by the way my mother left cause he made her give up her career, beated her, and cheated on her). And he was absolutely controlling wanted to know where we were at all times, I couldn't even choose my clothes, ( to a point where I honestly had a break down once as an 19 year old when one of my stepmoms "the better one" took me shopping for my birth day, and I was uncapable of choosing my own sweater) we would go to a store and he would let me choose like three t-shirts, but he would choose which one he would allow me to have. I have to give him points because most of the skills I have is because of him, which actually makes me feel disgusted sometimes. But of all people I hate my father the most, he also allowed our step-mother to treat us like shit. I am going to tell a few stories on my dad.
First one involving my step-mother the worst one of the two we had. just for context all my vacations were spent at my dad's house I was not allowed to go anywhere else, then there or my grandmas ( where he would take us when he would get sick of us). Anyway, I had been asking all summer to have some friends over, (because the only friends I had in life were the ones I had in the small town my mother left whe I was 7) so I had been wanting to see them for soo long, and my father finally agreed and my step mom "agreed" I sort of made so she couldn't say no ( don't worry she will get her revenge). My dad left for work, and she drilled me with so many rules, it was almost embarassing, we wached Jason goes to hell, then I made my friends help me clean the livin room with me, then we ate, and I had to make them help me clean the kitchen, then we went out for the pool, and I even told them they couldn't jump into the pool too much cause we coulnd't splash too much water out "make a mess", then we all had to shower outside, then they went home, and I was stil happy cause despite at all, I still got to see them, and I was a very lonely kid. And even after all my efforts, my step-mother pulled me aside after they left and told me we much too much of a mess, ( not even 1/3 of what her son did with his friends but anyway..) and I was forbbiden to ever invited them again. My dad was a doctor in an ICU and he would be on duty in there for like 24h stright and some times he would take me with him, which I liked cause "i had him all to myself" one day not long after this one of his friends asked me if my step-mother "was one those bad ones from the movies" if had ever done anything like it with me I was stupid enough to tell him that she had told me I was forbiden to take my friends home, oh boy, when the other doctor left, my dad was livid, he called her to ask if it was true what I said, she obviously said no, that she would never say that and I could bring them over whenever I wanted. My dad beat the shit so much that night I think I slept in the bathroom of the hospital, cause I was crying and scared.
Bonus story: of my step mom being a bitch, see she said I was waking her up at night when I would wake up in the middle of the night to pee, so she essentially "locked" me in the basement ( there was a bed there, but also so many spiders) to sleep down there, and gave me ( I am a girl) a bucket and a roll of toilet paper in case I needed to pee.
Second: I was taking driving lessons and I have anxiety, so I was having packing attack during the exams and failing at them, but since my dad was the one paying for them, he wanted to be infromed, so every time I failed I had to call him to tell and I failed 4 times, on the fourth he basically said I shoudl quit, cause I was useless and I was not cut out to drive. and I was already felling like such a failure, I went to a bridge on my way home, and stood there thinking bout killing myself, thinking about jumping, after our conversation, I was too scared to do it, also the birdge was over a highway and I didn't want to kill anyone or hurt anyone with my death, so I just went home, also no my mom or sisters didn't console me at all. something very similar happened when I failed the SAT and didn't get into colege for the second time " biology isn't even that hard to get into..." He had berated me so much the first time, that on the night I managed to get the hold of the results before anyone else knew and I saw I had failed, everything ( th e ideia of dealing with my family, and the idea of having one year added to my sentence, cause that is how I felt, I literaly had above my bed much many year were left before leaving) that I tried to kill myself for real, for the first time, slit my wrist and layed on the floor. No don't worry no one found me, I passed out and woke up at 3 in th emoring with a bit of blood around me, cleaned myself, cried a lot and went ot bed, and proceeded to be bareted the next morning.
Last I promise, althoug I doubt anyone will read all of this shit: I was so traumatized, that one time in class in my last year of high school. I had a math teacher, he was grumpy, but kind... and I have ADHD, and it sucks, sometimes I get so caught up on wanting to say something or needing to say something it can be annoying, and he was explaining something to someone else, and I kept tapping him on the shoulder, ( Yes I was 17 years old) until eventually he turned and raised his voice to say wait, let me finish, and he did a gesture, and of course he was not going to beat me, but that was not what my brain saw in those three seconds, so I flinched, and he saw, and I think he unterstood, and he froze for a couple of seconds, and the look in his face of surprise, ( because I was buliied in school so I learned to be the "tough" girl) and concern, I got so embarrased, and I felt so weak and fucked, because it was almost a reflex, I was getting ready to get slapped across the face, and I so embarraced, I started crying. I just looked at him and said, "nevermind" ( I felt like a child) and went to my desk, and I put my headphones on face down and cried, in class.
Now my father had two strokes and he is left in a bed, he can't talk or walk, and me and my sisters are the ones responsible to take care of him, and he doesnt talk he groans or moans only, and his voice changed, so I have to feed him and change his diapers, and give him his meds, and "take care" of him when he has tantrums, and have I said I hate him, the sound of his voice is enough to get my blood boiling, and I hate having to take care of him and I don't understand how my sisters still love him.
And I feel like I should be "nice" but I can't I try and I always fail, cause I hate him too much, honestly I wish he had died, we have been taking care of him for almost two years, now and I tried to kill myself other 3 times whilst he is living with us, because I still am in college and I ( its a public college in Brazil thing) can't really work, so I cant live by myself. But like every noise he makes every plea for attention or help, just makes me honestly smother him with a pillow, and he is still violent sometimes, he tryes to slap us. and I told him if he ever touches me again, I am never entering that room again, he can be in a puddle of piss, or dying I don't care.
And to finish, the point is I hate him so much, so much. I absolutely despise him and I know its probably bad for me, but I can't help it and I honestly feel like I am right in hating him.
End of monologue
