Venting Venting 12/03

[ForeverCaHa]

I feel like my venting threads are getting closer and closer together.

Recently I've found myself having to hide away to cry at seemingly random points in the day, without a trigger sometimes. My brain has started allowing itself to have brief memories of my time with my partner, and it's so painful. Our first kiss, the way he looked at me over dinner, the warmth of his hands... but then it all turns to our final argument, him begging me to stay, the sound of him crying as he left our flat - that was the last thing I ever heard from him, and I can't stand it anymore. I've never known true heartbreak until now. The thought that he died feeling unloved is killing me. I keep having visions of his body, even when I'm awake I can't stop picturing him there. My friends are supportive, but nothing they do or say can fix me now.

It's been exactly one month since he died today. I feel like time hasn't moved since that afternoon. The past month is a black hole in my memory. I guess it's my brain's way of protecting itself.

In between thoughts of him, all I can think of is how much I want to die. It's constant. Tomorrow I would have the perfect opportunity to go through with my plan, but that would mean having a close friend find me, and I can't put her through that. I need to wait until April. But the days are long, and the nights are longer.

I hate myself for what I have done. Hate doesn't even begin to describe it. I loathe myself, despise myself.

I so desperately want to be with him again. I hope he can forgive me. Just give me another chance. I pray that I can wake up next to him. I want to look after him, care for him, give him the happiness he deserves.

 

[marronfoncé]

hey op.
I'm sorry you're under this pressure.
Your text is painful to read, yet I have no clue of what happened.

I hope writing it down is something you can hold on to.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Please don't feel that your actions caused him to CTB. I know that's hard, but if he died by suicide then he already had ideation before your argument. That is a horrible burden to carry around.

One month goes by so fast, yet so horribly slow when you're in despair. I can't imagine the pain you're going through. I wish I could give you a big hug. I wouldn't tell you it's going to be okay, because I hate that. But I would sit there in the dark with you. I wish I could take away even a fraction of your pain. Grieve whatever way you need to. A month without your love is hardly any time. My heart is with you

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Please don't feel that your actions caused him to CTB. I know that's hard, but if he died by suicide then he already had ideation before your argument. That is a horrible burden to carry around.

One month goes by so fast, yet so horribly slow when you're in despair. I can't imagine the pain you're going through. I wish I could give you a big hug. I wouldn't tell you it's going to be okay, because I hate that. But I would sit there in the dark with you. I wish I could take away even a fraction of your pain. Grieve whatever way you need to. A month without your love is hardly any time. My heart is with you

My conscious mind knows it wasn't just me that pushed him there, but it's still impossible to get rid of the idea. With the argument happening not even 48 hours before he died, it's inevitable that I'll make these kind of conclusions unfortunately. My friends keep saying that if it wasn't this, it would've happened sometime sooner or later, but that's not as comforting as they maybe think it is. The entire situation is just shit, there's no other way to put it.

 

[deadbidaylight]

You're absolutely right. And I also tend to agree with your friend, as shitty as it sounds. I also understand why you'd feel guilty that it ended the way it did. It would eat at me too. The whole situation is heartbreaking. I am so very sorry

 

[Izzythebelle]

I'm so sorry. I remember my first experience with grief like that and the first month's agony. It's a unique pain that you can't ever describe unless you've been through it. The guilt you're expressing ate away at me for a long time.

Feel free to pm me If you wanna chat with someone who gets it. Best of luck, stranger.