Honestly, I genuinely do want to live and there are things I truly enjoy or look forward to, but I feel like a burden and undeserving of these things. I feel like I have no right to have a normal life because my mom has it sooo bad and I'm expected to fix everything for her, like I'm a horrible selfish person for wanting to live just for myself. I feel like my life is never about me and that I am a burden and take too much space. I was always expected to put my mom first. She's been alcoholic for many years and she's an unberabale person in general, nothing is ever her fault and she doesn't do shit to improve her situation, yet she expects me to do the work for her. I barely have energy for myself!!! I don't live I just exist. I was treated like a villain whenever I tried to live for myself and do things on my own.
I get suicidal in waves, it comes and goes, some days it's so unberable I research suicide methods, some others I want to become normal but I don't know where to start.
I checked therapy in my city and it is so. Fucking. Expensive. Always makes me think "maybe I should just kill myself at this point". I've done so much self help work, but I'm stuck and can't progress on my own. I have no friends and no support system for emotional needs. Sometimes I vent on the internet but it never makes me feel better.
I get suicidal in waves, it comes and goes, some days it's so unberable I research suicide methods, some others I want to become normal but I don't know where to start.
I checked therapy in my city and it is so. Fucking. Expensive. Always makes me think "maybe I should just kill myself at this point". I've done so much self help work, but I'm stuck and can't progress on my own. I have no friends and no support system for emotional needs. Sometimes I vent on the internet but it never makes me feel better.
