Venting Vent, what to feel when close to ctbing

[Specific_Milk]

I can't feel good because that would mean I'm either selfish or a prick or both. I'm not allowed to feel happy for taking this decision because I'll be leaving behind a gigantic mess both physically and metaphorically to my loved ones. I want to tell at least one person before I go but I can't because they might intervene. What the fuck are you supposed to feel then... should one just bottle is alllllll up and let everything die with you in the grave with only a couple of notes left behind?? What kind of insane world do we live in where the only practical way to ensure a successful suicide is to shut the fuck up and just do it? not even allowed to say goodbye? Not even allowed to formally leave from one's work or studies with dignity, instead it having to be an abrupt shock. If only society could accept our decisions and finally allow us to live out our last moments in relative joy instead of forcing us to suffer till the very end... It makes me feel like this is a bad decision even though, logically and philosophically there are tons of ground to stand on when it comes to the rationality and the right to suicide. I guess, I will continue to feel like shit till the end...

 

[kawaiiphantom]

Hey milk, I know that pain and struggle. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's hard when you get really desperate to ctb. I wish I could hug all of my loved ones right before I die. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know it's really painful and horrible we're right here with you, I hope getting this off your chest helped a bit

 

[4everDone]

If you are not ready to disattach from things in your life then you are most likely not ready. Bottling up is not a good option for me because that would mean if I have decided to leaving this life on my own terms I am not doing it with an ease in mind, which for me is a top priority. If you act impulsively then maybe, in the process, your sorrow and neglect for yourself will be overridden by immense feeling of anxiety and you will die in fear, but at least not with those thoughts that made you question your decision.
You think it's bad because in the back of your head you understand that the aftermath will not be approved by others and it makes you feel some kind of guilt. But CTB is a process that requires complete preparedness and any doubtful thoughts can lead to an even worse outcome. If you are thinking of suicide but at the same time you think how sorry you are for your parents then maybe there is still something out there in your life you can cling to. It'd natural to feel guilt for your loved ones.

 

[kawaiiphantom]

I'm sorry. I know what that feels like and I don't know how to feel anymore either even though I know my reasons are valid.

Sometimes I feel like society's response to suicide is what makes it so fatal - they focus so much on the people affected but never the person who took their life. When you treat suicide like a crime or taboo, it only alienates the person who is suffering. It dehumanizes them. It installs fear and uncertainty, so you do not know who to trust or how to feel. Trust, understanding and vulnerability either becomes a weapon of coercion or a source of paranoia and guilt. Because there is always this looming threat that you'll be institutionalized by brute force - which oftentimes does more harm than good. Then there's the aftermath, the painful stigma that is attached to the person afterwards - that they are either unable to think for themselves, suffering from a moral failing, doing it for attention or out of their mind. And when you cannot confide in others, then they're left to fill in the blanks themselves - creating oftentimes false, harmful or negative assumptions about you that only drives you to isolate more.

You will never know if what you're feeling is truly justified, common or real - because your confidant is not allowed to answer honestly, or else they'll be criminalized.
Your death will most likely come as a shock because - you are not allowed to speak freely and honestly either - or you'll risk compromising yourself and/or making matters worse.
If you do speak freely - you risk being misunderstood, and then there's the fear of ''infecting'' someone else by trying to get them to understand your perspective: because instead of listening, they try to turn it into a heated debate or discussion.
And If by chance you do find someone who understands - you want to confide in them but you have so much bottled up already you risk darkening their doorstep, becoming a burden or accidentally saying something that might cause them to relapse.

So, you are forced to suffer in silence, to die without dignity, to be consumed by guilt, despair and loneliness on top of all the pain you already feel that brought you to your decision.
And to me, that is no way to die - but that is the way a lot of us will be forced to go.

Dude I have been feeling the same exact way lately. i couldn't have said it better myself, you've explained it so well. yeah it really sucks when people act extreme towards it and treat it like it's a crime if you talk about it :< like you said it really does make it more fatal. When you feel like you can't tell anyone about how suicidal you are without facing sometimes horrible consequences. recently someone I really love told me some harsh words when I admitted it to them. It honestly just pushed me farther into ctbing. Thanks for saying all of this, it honestly put into words what I've been having trouble expressing

 

[rozeske]

The sad reality is that is how most of us feel. This is a world that we never agreed to nor chosen to live and feel in such way. Yet we are deprived of peaceful, quick and reliable methods to use when we say enough. Not only that but we are also deprived of the comfort in confiding about our plans with a loved one without any consciousness. The world would have been a better place if our decisions to exist were respected, given a dignified way of exit and having our loved ones support in our last moments. Though our reality is far from it.

Unlike mentioned above this uneasiness feeling doesn't necessary mean we are not ready nor sure to leave. It's just what this world has left us to feel like in our last moments. Suicide on it's own is not a walk in the park. On top of all the fear it brings with it regarding your method of choice, you feel so lonely for not telling everyone about your decisions plus you are forced to worry about what the people you leave behind would feel when you are gone. This has nothing to do about your readiness to leave but it's about the current world we leave in and the sad reality of our existence.