spellbound
My Great Guilt
- Apr 25, 2026
- 106
These are some of my more lunatic kinds of thoughts, but I figure if there's any place to put them it'd be here. I need to externalise these feelings, be vulnerable.
I started feeling suicidal at around age 11, and it has slowly but surely worsen ever since, and it will keep on getting worse. Alongside that, ever since age 16, after my first attempt, I started to feel less and less connected to reality. I was getting trap into the death realm.
It sounds pretty stupid, but I really feel like I died that day I tried to slit my wrists. I didn't cut much at all, I couldn't have possibly died, but I do feel dead. I don't like writing about it cause it sounds really stupid and edgy, but I really do feel like that you have to believe me.
I think I died and I feel so miserable and distant to reality because there's this gap between what actually happened (my death) and what I'm currently experiencing ("normal" life).
I feel constantly exhausted, like nothing's real, heavily depressed, and spellbound by suicide. I remember before that, I was suicidal and depressed, but it wasn't like that.
It kind of feels like a bad trip, like all my thoughts are death related and I'm high, for those who know it feels kind of like a nutmeg trip, thankfully minus the awful paranoia and hallucinations.
This is really embarrassing to admit, but a lot of the time when I cut myself, I do it because I don't believe that any blood will drop. I believe that all of the blood ran out of my body, and living in this stupid delusion makes me cut myself to check. Of course, blood pours out. But I did manage to stop cutting now.
I know this is absolutely moronic but I do believe this from the bottom of my heart, that I've killed myself already. Suicide feels like me. Its familiar. There's no blood in my veins. But I still don't know why I killed myself.
I think this could be why I struggle with suicide now. I want to do it so desperately to link back this gap between what happened and what I'm experiencing, but I can't. Because I've done it already.
Anyways, this felt really stupid but I guess I did manage to say truly vulnerable stuff about myself that I can't say to anyone else and I did it sober so that's always something to be proud of.
Does anyone know why I believe such things ?
I started feeling suicidal at around age 11, and it has slowly but surely worsen ever since, and it will keep on getting worse. Alongside that, ever since age 16, after my first attempt, I started to feel less and less connected to reality. I was getting trap into the death realm.
It sounds pretty stupid, but I really feel like I died that day I tried to slit my wrists. I didn't cut much at all, I couldn't have possibly died, but I do feel dead. I don't like writing about it cause it sounds really stupid and edgy, but I really do feel like that you have to believe me.
I think I died and I feel so miserable and distant to reality because there's this gap between what actually happened (my death) and what I'm currently experiencing ("normal" life).
I feel constantly exhausted, like nothing's real, heavily depressed, and spellbound by suicide. I remember before that, I was suicidal and depressed, but it wasn't like that.
It kind of feels like a bad trip, like all my thoughts are death related and I'm high, for those who know it feels kind of like a nutmeg trip, thankfully minus the awful paranoia and hallucinations.
This is really embarrassing to admit, but a lot of the time when I cut myself, I do it because I don't believe that any blood will drop. I believe that all of the blood ran out of my body, and living in this stupid delusion makes me cut myself to check. Of course, blood pours out. But I did manage to stop cutting now.
I know this is absolutely moronic but I do believe this from the bottom of my heart, that I've killed myself already. Suicide feels like me. Its familiar. There's no blood in my veins. But I still don't know why I killed myself.
I think this could be why I struggle with suicide now. I want to do it so desperately to link back this gap between what happened and what I'm experiencing, but I can't. Because I've done it already.
Anyways, this felt really stupid but I guess I did manage to say truly vulnerable stuff about myself that I can't say to anyone else and I did it sober so that's always something to be proud of.
Does anyone know why I believe such things ?
