pretzelsandballoons
dopamine ridden bastard <33.
- Jul 11, 2023
- 178
lmk if this is the wrong thread
apologise in advance
it feels like i can't do this alone or probably i don't want to do this alone
something along the lines of accountability.
having someone on the phone while brushing my teeth for example.
im aware of trying to find the times where both of us are free.
i wanna be able to to lyk ive brushed my teeth or done this or that. like text it (as accountability yanno)
in terms of "sitting in silence" in call. we'd be muted n text if we want to communicate. i dont want to use my voice.
or i have this idea where if u just wanna get on, on whatever ur doing, we can just send each other bee emojis
like if we decide to send each other like every 20 minutes, just to conceptualise each other's presence
uhhh time zone UTC+1? 0? it's 6:13pm rn
i don't rlly have any hobbies. think im a pretty private person. or something.
im an onion, like shrek
a fragile onion
and i have layers
that you must peel carefully and strategically
there is a right and good way to open me up
and i wait here
for something
.
mm yes
nailed it
i guess an intro would help and bit more on my current situation
intro:
im 19
i might b gorl idk fuck around and find out ;) i wish i didn't have tits so my clothes would fit better :D hehe
i am sensitive, self-loathing, paranoid, angry, clumsy and sad.
and slow and touch-starved
and tired
and half of me doesn't care
i believe i have a bad memory and i would go far to say that i have a rapidly corroding memory.
i feel so incredibly lonely it's disgusting.
i think i am pretty particular about things.
i'm not sure.
current situation:
i attempted suicide abt 7/8 weeks ago.
i have shit memory on why i didnt. basically went to a bridge and see if i could climb over and jump off a bridge.
ppl were around. i think i waited less than 30 minutes to wait for ppl to b gone.
and then i think i was a being pussy on how cold it was.
then went home.
ive just been watching movies and shows i like.
like the first week, after attempting suicide, just watching movies and sleeping in.
been on youtube and listening to music.
and just sleeping in most of the days.
that's all im gonna say. i don't think i can live the way ive been living these past 7/8 weeks.
i tried to get drunk last weekend lol. felt like i had this cottonball in my head. only lasted what felt like maybe an hour or even less than that :( who knows, who cares. it was nice. it felt like i was in a video game, kinda sick ig.
[try taking a piss while life is just flashing images simulator 3000]
ughhhhh part of my current situation is im trying cbt out but i missed my 3rd appointment on purpose
idk try more therapy before i kill myself idk
the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never
tidbits:
i wanna kms cos of my intrusive thoughts (or rather, awful thoughts idk). i think. i dont think it matters why for me anymore. im exhausted and most of my body is through death's door.
i imagine the void and this open door, my feet or arm sticking outside death's door
i feel like i've been this corpse for a really long time
tidbit #1.1:eh idk if i wanna kms, as im thinking abt it atm. i used to think kms would be like drifting off to sleep. idk peace and all that :D hehe
i was thinking of killing myself on january but idk if that's a good time.
even though half of me doesn't give a shit abt anything, i still somewhat care for my younger brother like the dumbass i am PFT caring's awesome yayayyayyaya
just worried abt how it'll affect him ig
but im thinking of giving him a suicide note abt everything
if that makes sense
tidbit #2:
i think i would've killed myself in the future.
like idk
don't really know how to add further to that statement/thought
meh.
like,…..if i was a decent person, hypothetically
, and continued studying and getting a job, just things u need in life yanno, get the ball rolling that way, maybe after several years i'll end it.
maybe lol
idk mannnn
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
tidbit #3 i mean, i can't be the only one in my situation no?
ok so
i want someone to give me company, have someone to sit in silence with in a call. and hold myself accountable so a dumbass like me can do chores and shit
but i also want it to be beneficial to you.
so if you're in my situation hmu, hope this can also help you.
i mean it only seems fair for it to be mutually beneficial.
tidbit #3.1 you scratch my back and i scratch yours..metaphorically.
tidbit #4 im a really shit friend but im pretty good at sitting in silence and making small talk so there's that
tidbit #5 was wondering if i could make a discord server instead, where you can vent and sit in silence with peeps. but i don't know how that would work out and i'd be a shitty owner
im so sorry for this shitty long ass text. to me, it just seems like fucking various of thoughts blurt out on a fucking piece of paper. apologies!
i've like read it twice???? and made small edits from time to time ugh im done w this piece of shit.
apologies for this long ass fucking post, my gods
please don't hate me if i try this again sometime UnU im not satisfied with how i wrote this.
i got off a call with this helpline person today and it was good. it could've been better, it could've been great if i was neutral. But now I'm a tiny bit drunk and fucking unhinged and just kept yapping like there was no tomorrow. Fucking annoying ass voice fr. They mentioned I have a low self esteem so that checks out. Deserved, honestly. Whatever. Potato, potato.
I'm trying to fucking make this fucking post truthful and Good but fuck me.
FUCK ME.
i wish i could kick the shit out of god and beg him for my mercy
ughhhhh
the guy was actually decent (helpline person)
and im here being a fucking monster, can someone just stab me already holy cow
holy cow!
this is turning into a vent, huh.
screw this
tidbit #6 I wanna be able to figure shit out by myself but it'd be sick if someone was there for like, moral support or something. parallel play or sum shit like that, u feel me?
4th time reading this lol, yeah i need to explain this. so while i brush my teeth for example, you could be *not* brushing your teeth but instead cooking soup!
jesus on a fucking truck stick
why is this
"why is this" im a fucking poet. a genius, a prodigy, a legend. im immortal
okay 3rd time reading this, kind of, at this point, just give me company until the end of next week.
im planning to sort out my suicide note for my younger brother tomorrow. a family friend helps with the food and vacuuming and they're coming tomorrow so i have someone there while i figure this suicide note crap(accountability crap, something along the lines of that)
and im gonna buy some alcohol and play that "video game" again (drunk baybee) and jump off a bridge
or try to
this shit seems unsolvable now, or something, and i cba to figure this shit out again. im such an asshole
hmu beauty-ful people
i wanna apologise again but i feel like i apologised enough
o7
idk if i can pm but here's hoping lol. pm me! ;D
4th time reading this, screw me, screw this, i have a terrible friendship with commitment and im so volatile
just wondering if it's possible. i understand if it isn't. i know some of the things i want in life/in general are impossible. and i know i can be a difficult person to interact to sometimes, i know this. so it's all good <3
thanks for reading,
harper
apologise in advance
it feels like i can't do this alone or probably i don't want to do this alone
something along the lines of accountability.
having someone on the phone while brushing my teeth for example.
im aware of trying to find the times where both of us are free.
i wanna be able to to lyk ive brushed my teeth or done this or that. like text it (as accountability yanno)
in terms of "sitting in silence" in call. we'd be muted n text if we want to communicate. i dont want to use my voice.
or i have this idea where if u just wanna get on, on whatever ur doing, we can just send each other bee emojis
like if we decide to send each other
like every 20 minutes, just to conceptualise each other's presenceuhhh time zone UTC+1? 0? it's 6:13pm rn
i don't rlly have any hobbies. think im a pretty private person. or something.
im an onion, like shrek
a fragile onion
and i have layers
that you must peel carefully and strategically
there is a right and good way to open me up
and i wait here
for something
.
mm yes
nailed it
i guess an intro would help and bit more on my current situation
intro:
im 19
i might b gorl idk fuck around and find out ;) i wish i didn't have tits so my clothes would fit better :D hehe
i am sensitive, self-loathing, paranoid, angry, clumsy and sad.
and slow and touch-starved
and tired
and half of me doesn't care
i believe i have a bad memory and i would go far to say that i have a rapidly corroding memory.
i feel so incredibly lonely it's disgusting.
i think i am pretty particular about things.
i'm not sure.
current situation:
i attempted suicide abt 7/8 weeks ago.
i have shit memory on why i didnt. basically went to a bridge and see if i could climb over and jump off a bridge.
ppl were around. i think i waited less than 30 minutes to wait for ppl to b gone.
and then i think i was a being pussy on how cold it was.
then went home.
ive just been watching movies and shows i like.
like the first week, after attempting suicide, just watching movies and sleeping in.
been on youtube and listening to music.
and just sleeping in most of the days.
that's all im gonna say. i don't think i can live the way ive been living these past 7/8 weeks.
i tried to get drunk last weekend lol. felt like i had this cottonball in my head. only lasted what felt like maybe an hour or even less than that :( who knows, who cares. it was nice. it felt like i was in a video game, kinda sick ig.
[try taking a piss while life is just flashing images simulator 3000]
ughhhhh part of my current situation is im trying cbt out but i missed my 3rd appointment on purpose
idk try more therapy before i kill myself idk
the end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never
tidbits:
i wanna kms cos of my intrusive thoughts (or rather, awful thoughts idk). i think. i dont think it matters why for me anymore. im exhausted and most of my body is through death's door.
i imagine the void and this open door, my feet or arm sticking outside death's door
i feel like i've been this corpse for a really long time
tidbit #1.1:eh idk if i wanna kms, as im thinking abt it atm. i used to think kms would be like drifting off to sleep. idk peace and all that :D hehe
i was thinking of killing myself on january but idk if that's a good time.
even though half of me doesn't give a shit abt anything, i still somewhat care for my younger brother like the dumbass i am PFT caring's awesome yayayyayyaya
just worried abt how it'll affect him ig
but im thinking of giving him a suicide note abt everything
if that makes sense
tidbit #2:
i think i would've killed myself in the future.
like idk
don't really know how to add further to that statement/thought
meh.
like,…..if i was a decent person, hypothetically
, and continued studying and getting a job, just things u need in life yanno, get the ball rolling that way, maybe after several years i'll end it.maybe lol
idk mannnn
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
tidbit #3 i mean, i can't be the only one in my situation no?
ok so
i want someone to give me company, have someone to sit in silence with in a call. and hold myself accountable so a dumbass like me can do chores and shit
but i also want it to be beneficial to you.
so if you're in my situation hmu, hope this can also help you.
i mean it only seems fair for it to be mutually beneficial.
tidbit #3.1 you scratch my back and i scratch yours..metaphorically.
tidbit #4 im a really shit friend but im pretty good at sitting in silence and making small talk so there's that
tidbit #5 was wondering if i could make a discord server instead, where you can vent and sit in silence with peeps. but i don't know how that would work out and i'd be a shitty owner
im so sorry for this shitty long ass text. to me, it just seems like fucking various of thoughts blurt out on a fucking piece of paper. apologies!
i've like read it twice???? and made small edits from time to time ugh im done w this piece of shit.
apologies for this long ass fucking post, my gods
please don't hate me if i try this again sometime UnU im not satisfied with how i wrote this.
i got off a call with this helpline person today and it was good. it could've been better, it could've been great if i was neutral. But now I'm a tiny bit drunk and fucking unhinged and just kept yapping like there was no tomorrow. Fucking annoying ass voice fr. They mentioned I have a low self esteem so that checks out. Deserved, honestly. Whatever. Potato, potato.
I'm trying to fucking make this fucking post truthful and Good but fuck me.
FUCK ME.
i wish i could kick the shit out of god and beg him for my mercy
ughhhhh
the guy was actually decent (helpline person)
and im here being a fucking monster, can someone just stab me already holy cow
holy cow!
this is turning into a vent, huh.
screw this
tidbit #6 I wanna be able to figure shit out by myself but it'd be sick if someone was there for like, moral support or something. parallel play or sum shit like that, u feel me?
4th time reading this lol, yeah i need to explain this. so while i brush my teeth for example, you could be *not* brushing your teeth but instead cooking soup!
jesus on a fucking truck stick
why is this
"why is this" im a fucking poet. a genius, a prodigy, a legend. im immortal
okay 3rd time reading this, kind of, at this point, just give me company until the end of next week.
im planning to sort out my suicide note for my younger brother tomorrow. a family friend helps with the food and vacuuming and they're coming tomorrow so i have someone there while i figure this suicide note crap(accountability crap, something along the lines of that)
and im gonna buy some alcohol and play that "video game" again (drunk baybee) and jump off a bridge
or try to
this shit seems unsolvable now, or something, and i cba to figure this shit out again. im such an asshole
hmu beauty-ful people
i wanna apologise again but i feel like i apologised enough
o7
idk if i can pm but here's hoping lol. pm me! ;D
4th time reading this, screw me, screw this, i have a terrible friendship with commitment and im so volatile
just wondering if it's possible. i understand if it isn't. i know some of the things i want in life/in general are impossible. and i know i can be a difficult person to interact to sometimes, i know this. so it's all good <3
thanks for reading,
harper
