(vent) idk what i'm doing, should I have sex with men for self esteem?

[girlwithflaxenhair0]

The rest of my family has been out of town for fall break, so I've been home alone with my mom the past week. I hate being around her, she doesn't get how much she traumatised me growing up, she scares me.
"Since it's just us two for a while why don't we spend some time together, get to know eachonher better"
hearing that just makes me feel sick. I know she's probably just trying to be nice, I probably sound like a mean person, but I genuinely feel sick talking to her, and being around her scares me.

I've been staying up all night and sleeping in the day, partly to avoid being around her, and partly as a deliberate attempt to worsen my mental health. I've just been feeling super lonely lately, but i've been avoiding talking to my only friend because i don't want to bother her. i just don't know what to do

I made an account on a dating app the other day i guess just because I was bored (i'm not even interested in seeing anyone). A guy (multiple guys actually) were offering me money for sex, like $200+ each. I think I might actually do it. It's like INCREDIBLY out of character for me, people usually describe me as like super shy and innocent. idk what I'm doing. I know it's probably not a good idea. I don't need the money, and the idea of having sex with a stranger (or at all tbh) scares me, but it feels good for someone to think that i'm pretty enough to pay that much money for. At least I'm worth something lol

 

[ButterToast]

The rest of my family has been out of town for fall break, so I've been home alone with my mom the past week. I hate being around her, she doesn't get how much she traumatised me growing up, she scares me.
"Since it's just us two for a while why don't we spend some time together, get to know eachonher better"
hearing that just makes me feel sick. I know she's probably just trying to be nice, I probably sound like a mean person, but I genuinely feel sick talking to her, and being around her scares me.

I've been staying up all night and sleeping in the day, partly to avoid being around her, and partly as a deliberate attempt to worsen my mental health. I've just been feeling super lonely lately, but i've been avoiding talking to my only friend because i don't want to bother her. i just don't know what to do

I made an account on a dating app the other day i guess just because I was bored (i'm not even interested in seeing anyone). A guy (multiple guys actually) were offering money for sex, like $200+ each. I think I might actually do it. It's like INCREDIBLY out of character for me, people usually describe me as like super shy and innocent. idk what I'm doing. I don't need the money, and the idea of having sex with a stranger (or at all tbh) scares me, but it feels good for someone to think that i'm pretty enough to pay that much money for. At least I'm worth something lol

I'm assuming you're using some legit sites and not sketchy ones. For the sake of your safety, go on a date first instead of just going for sex immediately. No offense, I don't think you have a good judgement on what's good or bad, but at least you got a chance to possibly filter bad people. Safety is sketchy, best case scenario you got bored guys who just want a one night stand, if you got a serial killer, the Fok.

 

[dumbgirlonline]

The rest of my family has been out of town for fall break, so I've been home alone with my mom the past week. I hate being around her, she doesn't get how much she traumatised me growing up, she scares me.
"Since it's just us two for a while why don't we spend some time together, get to know eachonher better"
hearing that just makes me feel sick. I know she's probably just trying to be nice, I probably sound like a mean person, but I genuinely feel sick talking to her, and being around her scares me.

I've been staying up all night and sleeping in the day, partly to avoid being around her, and partly as a deliberate attempt to worsen my mental health. I've just been feeling super lonely lately, but i've been avoiding talking to my only friend because i don't want to bother her. i just don't know what to do

I made an account on a dating app the other day i guess just because I was bored (i'm not even interested in seeing anyone). A guy (multiple guys actually) were offering money for sex, like $200+ each. I think I might actually do it. It's like INCREDIBLY out of character for me, people usually describe me as like super shy and innocent. idk what I'm doing. I know it's probably not a good idea. I don't need the money, and the idea of having sex with a stranger (or at all tbh) scares me, but it feels good for someone to think that i'm pretty enough to pay that much money for. At least I'm worth something lol

I wouldn't recommend doing this. Sure, ya might get an ego boost from "wow he thinks I'm pretty and is willing to pay for it!"

Don't make decisions on a whim, and I hope you're staying safe. Online hookups can be very risky, and there's a high chance you may end up trafficked.

I've been in your shoes, and I actually did it. It's a decision I still regret to this day. Please stay safe <3.

 

[girlwithflaxenhair0]

I'm assuming you're using some legit sites and not sketchy ones. For the sake of your safety, go on a date first instead of just going for sex immediately. No offense, I don't think you have a good judgement on what's good or bad, but at least you got a chance to possibly filter bad people. Safety is sketchy, best case scenario you got bored guys who just want a one night stand, if you got a serial killer, the Fok.

it's a legit site. To be completely honest, I just really don't care about my safety, if I get raped or whatever then that's just more trauma and more motivation to finally ctb. I'll probably regret thinking this way if I go through w it and something bad happens though. Going on a date first is a good idea though, thank you

No offense, I don't think you have a good judgement on what's good or bad

wdym by this?

 

[idk3]

You already know they'll sleep with you, so why do you need to follow through with this if it's just for self esteem?

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

Throwaway advice from a former sex addict: don't. It's not a good idea. Unless you're actively trying to make your life worse and eventually self destruct. Then by all means, have at.

 

[UsagiDrop]

You already know they'll sleep with you, so why so you need to follow through with this if it's just for self esteem?

Agreed.

It might up your self esteem to be wanted and desired, but the way the men will treat you, especially if they're offering money for sex, will quickly diminish it. There's also the safety risk, which I already read that you don't particularly care about, OP, but rape trauma is absolutely abhorrent to live with and die by. I think you will regret thinking that way if something happens to you, too. I wanna echo everyone else here and say: (please) don't.

 

[ButterToast]

it's a legit site. To be completely honest, I just really don't care about my safety, if I get raped or whatever then that's just more trauma and more motivation to finally ctb. I'll probably regret thinking this way if I go through w it and something bad happens though. Going on a date first is a good idea though, thank you

wdym by this?

This is a sad, and often overlooked tendency. When you're not in a good place, you might not be able to make the best judgement. I'm not saying that you cannot make good judgement when you're under pressure, but it is really hard. It's a psychological thing, the more vulnerable you are, the more likely you're going to make the wrong judgement. In this context, it's to judge if they're a "good person" or not. Again, I'm assuming, she's using a legit dating app which might lower the chance of anything rly bad happening, but I'm not quite sure if offering money is normal in wherever she lives, certainly it's not exactly normal for dates here, or at least not that I've experienced it.

Rafaeli, E., Bernstein, D. P., & Young, J. (2010). Schema therapy: Distinctive features. Routledge.

 

[girlwithflaxenhair0]

You already know they'll sleep with you, so why so you need to follow through with this if it's just for self esteem?

that's true, but them saying they would and them actually paying me for that just feels different

Throwaway advice from a former sex addict: don't. It's not a good idea. Unless you're actively trying to make your life worse and eventually self destruct. Then by all means, have at.

I'm definitely not a sex addict, I honestly don't care about the sex, I just want to feel wanted I guess. But also I kinda am trying to actively make my life worse. I'm still very hesitant/scared and I know I might probably regret it

I wouldn't recommend doing this. Sure, ya might get an ego boost from "wow he thinks I'm pretty and is willing to pay for it!"

Don't make decisions on a whim, and I hope you're staying safe. Online hookups can be very risky, and there's a high chance you may end up trafficked.

I've been in your shoes, and I actually did it. It's a decision I still regret to this day. Please stay safe <3.

Agreed.

It might up your self esteem to be wanted and desired, but the way the men will treat you, especially if they're offering money for sex, will quickly diminish it. There's also the safety risk, which I already read that you don't particularly care about, OP, but rape trauma is absolutely abhorrent to live with and die by. I think you will regret thinking that way if something happens to you, too. I wanna echo everyone else here and say: (please) don't.

thank you for the advice <3
I'm still not sure what I'll do but thank you

 

[Aya&Dazy]

No way. I understand you don't need the money but 200 is nothing. They'r being cheap. You don't wanna fuck with these cheap men.

 

[girlwithflaxenhair0]

No way. I understand you don't need the money but 200 is nothing. They'r being cheap. You don't wanna fuck with these cheap men.

$200 was the lowest one of them offered, others were offering higher, but is 200 really that low? idk it seems like a lot to me but I don't really have a frame of reference

i don't really mind that he's being cheap though,the fact that someone would pay anything at all makes me feel like i'm at least not worthless

 

[Worndown]

You are not worthless. You are having a difficult time.
As a guy, doing this to increase your self esteem is not a great idea. As a guy, I will tell you anyone wiling to pay any money for sex will not be looking at YOU. They are only looking for a small part of you and only until they are done. Having them walk away when finished cannot be good for you.
There have to be better ways of improving your self image. Getting out of the house for the day might be a good start.

 

[dumbgirlonline]

If I get raped or whatever then that's just more trauma and more motivation to finally ctb.

yeah I'm sorry but this…. Is a really fucked up and insensitive thing to say . Rape isn't just "more trauma". It's literally the most horrific and devastating thing to happen to an individual. Why would you want it to purposefully happen to you ?

 

[breadbaker1025]

yeah I'm sorry but this…. Is a really fucked up and insensitive thing to say . Rape isn't just "more trauma". It's literally the most horrific and devastating thing to happen to an individual. Why would you want it to purposefully happen to you ?

victims of sexual abuse can seek out more sexual abuse. its a never ending cycle, its all you know. i'm a victim of numerous sexual abuse cases and deadass my psychologist yesterday told me its normal to feel like you deserve it, because it cant be that much worse why not have more... right? it's not like any random person wants to be abused, trust me, even those who have never been abused before are on some scale very mentally ill.

 

[dumbgirlonline]

victims of sexual abuse can seek out more sexual abuse. its a never ending cycle, its all you know. i'm a victim of numerous sexual abuse cases and deadass my psychologist yesterday told me its normal to feel like you deserve it, because it cant be that much worse why not have more... right? it's not like any random person wants to be abused, trust me, even those who have never been abused before are on some scale very mentally ill.

I'm a victim of childhood sexual assault and several others growing up. I understand the feeling as I've been in OP's shoes, but seriously, just because it happened doesn't mean another time is okay too.

 

[breadbaker1025]

I'm a victim of childhood sexual assault and several others growing up. I understand the feeling as I've been in OP's shoes, but seriously, just because it happened doesn't mean another time is okay too.

thats not how victims feel. obviously, you are self deprecating and blaming. feeling like you deserve horrible things doesnt make you a horrible person or take away from other people with those experiences, that you feel you deserve.

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

Personally, I would say that it's a bad idea. I don't think that those sorts of relationships will really fill the void and it runs the risk of a lot of potentially bad outcomes, like STDs. That being said, I'm not in your shoes so I can't really say for sure; it's just my opinion.

 

[girlwithflaxenhair0]

yeah I'm sorry but this…. Is a really fucked up and insensitive . Rape isn't just "more trauma". It's literally the most horrific and devastating thing to happen to an individual. Why would you want it to purposefully happen to you ?

I'm sorry. I know it sounds like I'm treating it lightly/downplaying what it really is, and what I said was definitely insensitive. I don't mean to downplay your's or other's experiences. i'm sorry

It's not that I want it to happen to me again, but it's just that i don't care if it does. Or maybe I do want it to happen, i'm honestly not sure. Part of me feels like I would deserve it anyway, and also I do want to actively make my life worse. I know it's not healthy, and I know I should be taking it more seriously, but it's hard to really care about anything when I'm planning to ctb in the next few months anyway and when i feel so worthless

I'm rly sorry for being insensitive

 

[breadbaker1025]

I'm sorry. I know it sounds like I'm treating it lightly/downplaying what it really is, and what I said was definitely insensitive. I don't mean to downplay your's or other's experiences. i'm sorry

It's not that I want it to happen to me again, but it's just that i don't care if it does. Or maybe I do want it to happen, i'm honestly not sure. Part of me feels like I would deserve it, and also I do want to actively make my life worse. I know it's not healthy, and I know I should be taking it more seriously, but it's hard to really care about anything when I'm planning to ctb in the next few months anyway

I'm rly sorry for being insensitive

we're on a suicide forum. it's okay. wanting to die is a major aspect, but is wanting pain worse?

 

[Ampsvx123]

No, u should learn self control, discipline greatness, solitude. Grossness will taint you with filth, and it will gladly pluck your foolish youth for his selfish self.

 

[girlwithflaxenhair0]

we're on a suicide forum. it's okay. wanting to die is a major aspect, but is wanting pain worse?

personaly i want pain bc i want to cut off all other avenues besides ctb. i don't want there to be the possibility that i might change my mind. i don't want to be stuck being suicidal for years but not doing anything about it, i want more pain as motivation to actually ctb instead of just thinking about it. idk though that's just how i feel....


whether i'm (thinking about) doing this more for the self esteem boost or as a way to make my life worse, i'm not really sure anymore

 

[breadbaker1025]

me too. i hope you're okay, obviously not. if you want to talk somewhere else, my discord username is blackcoffeedeath

 

[Banshe]

From personal experience, I've been hurt doing this before. It is a big risk.

 

[AshClouds]

I never heard of a dating site where men offer women money for sex, it sounds shady to me. I agree with everyone, don't do it. Also I heard stories of women who thought they were getting paid only to be trafficked.

 

[girlwithflaxenhair0]

I never heard of a dating site where men offer women money for sex, it sounds shady to me. I agree with everyone, don't do it. Also I heard stories of women who thought they were getting paid only to be trafficked.

it's a normal and fairly mairsteam dating app, i just had guys messaging me offering money for sex. but it's not for that specifically

it's scary and a stupid decision and i'm like the opposite of an impulsive person so i'm still not sure if i'll do it or not but I'll probably be careful if i do

 

[paska_paska]

I had sex with a stranger for money once. It did give me a huge confidence boost for a few months, but after that I've been kind of disgusted with myself. I wouldn't do it again.

 

[Meditation guide]

The rest of my family has been out of town for fall break, so I've been home alone with my mom the past week. I hate being around her, she doesn't get how much she traumatised me growing up, she scares me.
"Since it's just us two for a while why don't we spend some time together, get to know eachonher better"
hearing that just makes me feel sick. I know she's probably just trying to be nice, I probably sound like a mean person, but I genuinely feel sick talking to her, and being around her scares me.

I've been staying up all night and sleeping in the day, partly to avoid being around her, and partly as a deliberate attempt to worsen my mental health. I've just been feeling super lonely lately, but i've beenT avoiding talking to my only friend because i don't want to bother her. i just don't know what to do

I made an account on a dating app the other day i guess just because I was bored (i'm not even interested in seeing anyone). A guy (multiple guys actually) were offering me money for sex, like $200+ each. I think I might actually do it. It's like INCREDIBLY out of character for me, people usually describe me as like super shy and innocent. idk what I'm doing. I know it's probably not a good idea. I don't need the money, and the idea of having sex with a stranger (or at all tbh) scares me, but it feels good for someone to think that i'm pretty enough to pay that much money for. At least I'm worth something lol

These guys will pay anyone not just you, even pay ugly girls for sex. Don't be flattered by it, they do it with anyone or in your case maybe due to your age. Leave prostitution for those who are desperate for money.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

The rest of my family has been out of town for fall break, so I've been home alone with my mom the past week. I hate being around her, she doesn't get how much she traumatised me growing up, she scares me.
"Since it's just us two for a while why don't we spend some time together, get to know eachonher better"
hearing that just makes me feel sick. I know she's probably just trying to be nice, I probably sound like a mean person, but I genuinely feel sick talking to her, and being around her scares me.

I've been staying up all night and sleeping in the day, partly to avoid being around her, and partly as a deliberate attempt to worsen my mental health. I've just been feeling super lonely lately, but i've been avoiding talking to my only friend because i don't want to bother her. i just don't know what to do

I made an account on a dating app the other day i guess just because I was bored (i'm not even interested in seeing anyone). A guy (multiple guys actually) were offering me money for sex, like $200+ each. I think I might actually do it. It's like INCREDIBLY out of character for me, people usually describe me as like super shy and innocent. idk what I'm doing. I know it's probably not a good idea. I don't need the money, and the idea of having sex with a stranger (or at all tbh) scares me, but it feels good for someone to think that i'm pretty enough to pay that much money for. At least I'm worth something lol

Your body, your choice.
I'm 49. Have slept with 22 people. But the same one for 24 years now.
Sometimes I used to wish I'd had sex with more people because it gave me a buzz, distracted me, made me feel attractive and felt like something I was good at.

But then I read something about how the sacredness of sex means it sort of leaves a spiritual imprint on your soul and you kind of end up with a piece of them forever. I don't if it was true but it stuck with me and I started think about how each person had maybe done that and as such, corrupted my mental health. Certainly one of them really messed me up and have now decided now I only ever want to have sex with someone I am in love with. (Which is proving difficult seeing as I don't love the one I live with and he expects sex).

I suppose what I'm trying to say is "there's no such thing as a free lunch". It's always a contract. Whatever the short term gain of it, there could be a longer term consequence to live with.

 

[pole]

You already know they'll sleep with you, so why do you need to follow through with this if it's just for self esteem?

because that isn't always enough.

it hits different when you want to feel more firsthand.

for many, their self-esteem and worth is tied to how others perceive of them. so you're aware that you're attractive enough for them to want to sleep with you. however, what about wanting to go deeper and feel what comes with that?

hence, the urge for wanting to go further and actually hookup. the validation that comes with feeling wanted, desired, and worthy by someone who finds you attractive, wants to be with you, the closeness and compassion, love, etc.

in the end, yeah, it's fucking empty and the other person doesn't care as much. but, for some, it's temporary relief and an escape. it feels good to be able to experience what you cannot provide for yourself, even if it doesn't last long. why? because atleast it's something.

 

[R_N]

it's a legit site. To be completely honest, I just really don't care about my safety, if I get raped or whatever then that's just more trauma and more motivation to finally ctb. I'll probably regret thinking this way if I go through w it and something bad happens though. Going on a date first is a good idea though, thank you

wdym by this?

Please don't do this to yourself. Is there any other way for you to feel validated that won't hurt you?

Or maybe some alternatives to validation. Anything other that makes you feel just as good?