NSFW [Vent] I don't have anyone else to talk to about this

[threevoices]

I put the NSFW flare because I will mention kink in this story (I won't go in detail, but it's impossible to avoid in this story). Also a vent so proceed at your own expense.

Pretty much as the title says, I went through something that was really traumatic for me last summer (which was actually the catalyst of the suicidal episode that led me here lol) and no one in my life is close enough to me where I feel comfortable talking about it on more than a surface level. I have no access to a therapist because of my living situation. There's really only one person I would feel comfortable venting to about this, but he was directly involved with the person and I don't want him to have any negative memories resurface. Plus, it happened almost half a year ago and I feel like its embarrassing that I still haven't moved on really in the slightest, and we already talked. He knows what exactly happened to me and how exactly it affected me, so I don't want to beat a dead horse. I just need to talk about it again to help me process it so I can finally begin moving on and healing.

Basically, the friend I mentioned above, around a year ago I met his then-girlfriend. We started talking more around like mid-May, and pretty quickly she caught feelings for me (I wanna preface, it was an open relationship so no cheating happened, kind of, I'll get to that). I expressed I wasn't interested, partly because I was going through/had just gone through a break up, and partly because I just didn't see her like that (I'm aromantic, and she just wasn't my type otherwise). Thought everything was fine. It was not! She kept making advances towards me, and in hindsight it's pretty clear she was trying to get me to say something romantic-adjacent enough for her to feel like I did like her back, even though I made it clear I wasnt interested). It just kind of felt a little coercive I think is the right word?

Anyways eventually we start talking about kink (which I was fine with tbh) and at first it was kind of nonspecific, but eventually it became about our kinks. She found out something I'm into (which I confided with a lot of trust, I have a lot of shame and guilt around it) and instead of keeping that information safe she used it against me, not as blackmail, but essentially she tried to figure out exactly what about it I liked, and then... curated porn for me to get off to. Without asking/telling me. She also sent me many unsolicited pictures/videos that were either meant for me to get off to, or were things SHE was getting off to that I didn't realize were meant to be sexual until after. It became clear to me that she was just, using me. I was just a sex toy or something in her mind, I guess.

She also went behind my friends back about all of this, specifically omitting any information that would lead him to find out that she was pursuing me romantically at first, then sexually. She also essentially told me not to tell him anything that was happening between us, like, at all. Which made me feel scared, honestly. I felt trapped. It was harder because he was (and still is) one of my closest friends and I confided pretty much everything in him. I don't want to say she was intentionally isolating me from my friends, because I don't know her intentions regarding that, but it did feel that way. It just feels weird, the way she felt the need to hide everything from her boyfriend at the time.

All of this just really fucked me up though. Basically any progress of self-acceptance I made regarding my sexuality was entirely gone. I no longer felt safe, even inside my own body. Hell, I'm STILL scared of this woman, despite her not going to my school. I feel like I've been contaminated by her and that I can't get clean. At one point in my life I was sexually assaulted near daily for several months, and this woman still managed to affect me worse than that ever could by like tenfold. I'm relieved that we never met in person while this was going on, because I know she would have done something to me, what that would be I have no idea, and I'm glad I never got to find out.

This is pretty long, sorry, I just needed to get this all off my chest. If you read this far, I hope everything is going as well as it can for you, and if you didn't, then I still hope that everything's going as well as it can for you.

 

[timf]

There are all sorts of people you can encounter. Some want to steal from you, some want to use you, and other may simply wish to mess with you for their own amusement. Most people will simply ignore you. These can be a welcome change if you have had to deal with toxic people. Learning how to avoid toxic people can be tricky. Sometimes if you say you don't feel comfortable around someone else, people might not consider that a sufficient explanation.

You have to judge how much to share and how to develop the steely resolve not to say more than you want. People that try to force you into situations that make you feel uncomfortable are showing little concern for your welfare and should be avoided.

 

[platypus77]

I'm very sorry you had to deal with all of this.
It's clear that you've been through enough trauma to the point to off extreme stress.

I think the flair wasn't necessary, because well the site domain already implies that, and you've managed to transmit the message in a clean and thoughtful way.

Since you mentioned you don't have the resources for a therapist, there's actually enough content to help you learn the skills to cope and possibly heal.

Therapists don't really solve anyone's problems they're more like mentors to guide you, but all the work is on us.

If you're experiencing extreme emotions and need skills to cope DBT is the way (resources at the end of the thread):

New member, please help me

I have a whole book to share with you later, let's get you grounded first and talk this through. I'm with you for as long as you need.

sanctioned-suicide.net

If you're wanting to explore the trauma and repressed memories or traits, I recommend practicing shadow work: https://www.conni.me/blog/shadow-work

I went through the DBT program and being doing shadow work myself, I'm only still around because of it. Takes effort and time, but if you're really up for the work I can assure you they really help.

 

[threevoices]

I think the flair wasn't necessary, because well the site domain already implies that, and you've managed to transmit the message in a clean and thoughtful way.

Apologies!! I just put the flair to be careful, I wasn't sure if it was needed, and I'm not too familiar with the site culture. If I ever become active on here I'll keep this in mind.

I went through the DBT program and being doing shadow work myself, I'm only still around because of it. Takes effort and time, but if you're really up for the work I can assure you they really help.

Thank you for the resources!! I've heard of shadow work but not DBT, I will check these both out!