turnoverover
~
- Oct 2, 2023
- 10
ive lost 20 pounds in less than a month because im too tired to bother eating. i havent had a loss of appetite this bad even at the height of my eating disorder. i got an apple down two days ago and im still reliving how sweet it was and how my body appreciated it but i really don't care that i need food. i can drink water but the idea of drinking coffee, and any caffeine causes me anxiety without the actual caffeine-induced anxiety. its been so easy to lose weight im kind of shocked but its just proof of my cowardness that im going about my days rotting away. i can get up and move and do daily tasks but ive been too scared to push myself because i dont want to bring any attention to my condition incase i do faint or collapse.
ill talk about what i do like i reall y enjoy music. one thing ive decided to do is not to listen to anything depressing. my anhedonia doesn't leave much to desire so im listening to a lot of ambient and older music. and not really discovering anything. i wish i could watch more things but my brain keeps resorting to the ideas and visions of myself dying and again i just dont desire anything new. but i want to fill my days up with time.
i want to die so badly i dont let myself cry because its a migraine trigger but ive given myself the grace of popping a bunch of otc painkillers and getting an ice pack ready to scream into my pillow each night. i dont know what im screming about im never going about killing myslf im just too weak to. i dont have access to mental health resources and when i did i got gaslit into my abuser not being the way he is and it took me days to regain the mental fortitude to keep going as well the issues i dealt with years ago getting sent to alternative mental health facilities where i have ptsd.
im a difficult person in the end i have apologies planned out. for my convuluted brain and how its only increasing. beyond writing this today at 11:09 am i havent spoken about this to anyone because theres no one in my life i think that wants to hear it. theres no quick recovery to what im dealing with. im financially sturggling and want to finish my degree so i can have that to fill my time but beyond that im so mentally stuck i want to give up on the few people i have left in my life.
when i was 18 i bought a shotgun a 12g and drove out an hour and a half to find a field almost to shoot myself in and what stopped me was some fucking foxes. waves of guilt and si kept rushing through me that id scare them away or ruin the serenity of what they were living in the high grass and i just fucking left. and typing that is so pathetic im not sure who im writing this too but i havent told a soul two years later
i wish i wasnt undereating id force myself to eat a cracker or a shot glass of gatorade if it meant my stomach could "warm itself up and i can sleep through the day so im struggling with insomnia on top of this. on top of the physical weariness of not wanting to chew or move and the need to get a job whatever its all so mundane. everyone gets dealt a deck of cards in life and whatever good in mine have run their course
im not sure what my next plan of action is i dont have the drive to shoot myself anymore. its so gruesome i have a sliver of hope for the future with mypartner but im also coming clean about all of this soon so ill how that goes and if their patience has run thin i just dont have anywhere to turn to beyond online forums that dont have my identity attached. maybe i should leave this site
stomachs been growling for days and the only thing that would satiate me is being met with grace from the people still in my life but i dont get that. i dont know why me specifically and ive stopped wallowing in it but the reminder of the fact feels like a deep cut. years after two attempts i feel like ive regressed to something most worthy of discarding. need this life to be over already
ill talk about what i do like i reall y enjoy music. one thing ive decided to do is not to listen to anything depressing. my anhedonia doesn't leave much to desire so im listening to a lot of ambient and older music. and not really discovering anything. i wish i could watch more things but my brain keeps resorting to the ideas and visions of myself dying and again i just dont desire anything new. but i want to fill my days up with time.
i want to die so badly i dont let myself cry because its a migraine trigger but ive given myself the grace of popping a bunch of otc painkillers and getting an ice pack ready to scream into my pillow each night. i dont know what im screming about im never going about killing myslf im just too weak to. i dont have access to mental health resources and when i did i got gaslit into my abuser not being the way he is and it took me days to regain the mental fortitude to keep going as well the issues i dealt with years ago getting sent to alternative mental health facilities where i have ptsd.
im a difficult person in the end i have apologies planned out. for my convuluted brain and how its only increasing. beyond writing this today at 11:09 am i havent spoken about this to anyone because theres no one in my life i think that wants to hear it. theres no quick recovery to what im dealing with. im financially sturggling and want to finish my degree so i can have that to fill my time but beyond that im so mentally stuck i want to give up on the few people i have left in my life.
when i was 18 i bought a shotgun a 12g and drove out an hour and a half to find a field almost to shoot myself in and what stopped me was some fucking foxes. waves of guilt and si kept rushing through me that id scare them away or ruin the serenity of what they were living in the high grass and i just fucking left. and typing that is so pathetic im not sure who im writing this too but i havent told a soul two years later
i wish i wasnt undereating id force myself to eat a cracker or a shot glass of gatorade if it meant my stomach could "warm itself up and i can sleep through the day so im struggling with insomnia on top of this. on top of the physical weariness of not wanting to chew or move and the need to get a job whatever its all so mundane. everyone gets dealt a deck of cards in life and whatever good in mine have run their course
im not sure what my next plan of action is i dont have the drive to shoot myself anymore. its so gruesome i have a sliver of hope for the future with mypartner but im also coming clean about all of this soon so ill how that goes and if their patience has run thin i just dont have anywhere to turn to beyond online forums that dont have my identity attached. maybe i should leave this site
stomachs been growling for days and the only thing that would satiate me is being met with grace from the people still in my life but i dont get that. i dont know why me specifically and ive stopped wallowing in it but the reminder of the fact feels like a deep cut. years after two attempts i feel like ive regressed to something most worthy of discarding. need this life to be over already
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