Untoten_
Will be CTBing this year.
- Jan 29, 2026
- 90
If you've seen my ramblings about what happened last month you'll know. Now this one's more of a social thing, compared to most of the posts here, this may seem silly and trivial.
On the 19th of jan what is very clearly a byproduct of my autism caused the only person I wanted live for to walk away from me. Yesterday being Valentine's Day, I survived with heavy distractions. If I slowed down I wouldn't have made it. I'm genuinely surprised I didn't have to drink.
I have all these experiences in 21 years of life, that basically every younger guy would feel like they've had fulfilling life, door kicking, rounds flying over head, executive protection, standing armed next to UHNWI's etc all of this cool shit that screams "movie about of a dude who went contractor at a young age". And yet still the one simple dream of mine, to stand at the end of the aisle with the woman I loved more than the air we breathe, me trying to grow stuff with her on our few acre farm, teaching our future mini selves to fish, our horrible little inside jokes that we already had, collecting cool stuff to hand down, it's just gone.
On top of this hearing the fact she requires an extremely invasive surgery but I can't check in on her because of "no contact" destroys me daily. I have to go through life knowing what I ruined. And the pain I caused her. Having to pretend like I wasn't working for that dream already. Having to act like I'm still not madly in love with her.
Nope. No Valentine this year (again), but man I was oh so close.
Rant over, there goes my whole "nah I'm not depressed" bullshit right. Took a day on a fucking calendar. Lord knows how I'm gonna handle when her birthday passes. Only thing I can do is try and make it to the end of July. I don't wanna go too early.
TL;DR: being picked up by Blackhawks is cool but that isn't the meaning of life.
On the 19th of jan what is very clearly a byproduct of my autism caused the only person I wanted live for to walk away from me. Yesterday being Valentine's Day, I survived with heavy distractions. If I slowed down I wouldn't have made it. I'm genuinely surprised I didn't have to drink.
I have all these experiences in 21 years of life, that basically every younger guy would feel like they've had fulfilling life, door kicking, rounds flying over head, executive protection, standing armed next to UHNWI's etc all of this cool shit that screams "movie about of a dude who went contractor at a young age". And yet still the one simple dream of mine, to stand at the end of the aisle with the woman I loved more than the air we breathe, me trying to grow stuff with her on our few acre farm, teaching our future mini selves to fish, our horrible little inside jokes that we already had, collecting cool stuff to hand down, it's just gone.
On top of this hearing the fact she requires an extremely invasive surgery but I can't check in on her because of "no contact" destroys me daily. I have to go through life knowing what I ruined. And the pain I caused her. Having to pretend like I wasn't working for that dream already. Having to act like I'm still not madly in love with her.
Nope. No Valentine this year (again), but man I was oh so close.
Rant over, there goes my whole "nah I'm not depressed" bullshit right. Took a day on a fucking calendar. Lord knows how I'm gonna handle when her birthday passes. Only thing I can do is try and make it to the end of July. I don't wanna go too early.
TL;DR: being picked up by Blackhawks is cool but that isn't the meaning of life.
